by Beck, J. L.
I click on the text and realize it’s a voice recording which leaves me even more confused. Why would someone send me a voice recording? Whoever it is must have the wrong number, still, curiosity gets the better of me and I use my thumb to press play.
“Should I fuck your pussy or your ass?...Maybe I’ll fuck both. Tell everyone you were a whore that begged me to take both of your holes…”
“Remington...”
My heart beats out of my chest, my pulse seeming to race faster and faster with each word that meets my ears. I grip my phone so tightly in my hands that I can feel the metal digging into my flesh.
“What-what is this?” I turn to Remington who is looking down at his phone, pure fear and horror taking over his features. Oh...oh my god… I remember this day, the first time he touched me… but I didn’t know he was recording what happened. Was this… had he planned this all along?
“You recorded us?” I push from the bed, refusing to be anywhere near him.
“Jules…” He looks up at me like he knows he’s lost me for good.
“What did you do?” I stammer. “Who sent this?” I yell, still not getting the response I want. When he moves off the bed and takes a step toward me, I shake my head, feeling the tears sting my eyes. Betrayal cuts through me, slicing so deep I can hardly breathe, hardly think.
Why did he do this? Is he still trying to hurt me? Is this part of his game?
“I didn’t…” he starts. “It’s not what you think. I don’t know who sent it, but I can assure you that this wasn’t my intention. I would never… I’d never...”
When he reaches for me, I slap his hand. My entire body starts to shake, my mind reeling. Who has this recording? Who sent it? Why did he do this to us? There are a thousand questions coursing through my mind and no answers in sight.
“Did you even love me? Did you even care? You took my virginity...was that what this was? A game for you to see if you could get in my panties? Was I just another conquest? Another notch on your bedpost?” The downcast look he gives me confirms my assumption, and the room seems to grow smaller around me.
“I can’t believe you.” My stomach churns, knotting and twisting so painfully it feels like someone is stabbing me with a knife. “Actually, I can. This is who you are, who you’ve always been.” The words come out bitter, angry, and the voice emitting the words doesn’t even sound like it belongs to me.
“Wait, just let me explain, Jules.” Remington’s voice cuts through the fog encasing my mind. He reaches for me again and this time I let the fury burning inside me out.
“You did this!” I grit my teeth, my hand rearing back to slap him. I slap him so hard my hand stings, the pain a welcoming feeling beside the sadness clinging to my heart. His head swings to the side with the blow and I shove him toward the door.
“I can’t believe you did this. Was it all just a game? A sick fucking joke? Huh? Tell me! Tell me right now!” I scream, uncaring who hears me.
“No.” His head hangs in shame and I refuse to let him act like he is the victim in this.
“No… No… you don’t get to act like you’re the one hurt here. You fucking did this. Was it revenge? Was everything you told me a lie?” I don’t know why I’m asking these questions, they don’t matter anymore. My heart shattered in two the moment I heard the first word of that voice recording.
“It’s not like that. I didn’t send this.”
“You’re a liar. A fucking liar.” I shake my head, unable to believe anything he says. I thought we had found love again, but it was just a joke. A knock sounds on my bedroom door, and a moment later, Cally walks in with a horrific look in her eyes.
“Did you get the text?” she whispers and that’s when something inside me snaps. Losing Remington the first time hurt, but this time...I feel nothing...he shared our very first moment together with everyone, every single fucking person.
“Jules, please...let me try and make this right…”
I’m shutting down. I no longer hear his words or see his face. There is no friendship, no love, everything was a lie, built on lies, and spread as a joke by him.
“Leave,” I whisper.
He looks at me like I’ve slapped him. “Please, Jules don’t…”
“Leave!!!!” I scream, pointing toward the door. I can feel the tears in my eyes, my chest heaves, and my heart slams against my ribcage so painfully it might as well be beating on the outside of my body.
“Let me explain this to you first…It isn’t...”
“Leave, or I’m calling the cops,” I scream, shoving him in the chest, and he lets me, he lets me shove him. “I hate you, I can’t believe I let you do this. I trusted you and you…I hate you so much. You’re dead to me…I never ever want to see you again. We’re done, all of this, it never existed. To me, you never existed...” I hit him over and over again, and then just like I asked, he turns around and walks out of the bedroom. My hands fall to my sides and I stare coldly at the spot he was just standing in.
As soon as I hear the front door close, I sink down to the floor. I’m distinctly aware of my knees slamming into the carpet, my stomach clenching into a tight knot, pain searing every single cell in my body. It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.
This is what he wanted. This was his revenge.
He used me, and I played right into his fucking hand like a stupid girl. Stupid. I was so fucking stupid to believe he wanted me. He warned me when I first got here, he told me what he was going to do, and I let him…I let him do this to me.
“Jules.” Cally’s voice registers in my ears, but I don’t react. I’m too far gone, too broken to feel anything. Through tears, I watch as she sinks to the floor in front of me, her arms wrapping around me. I can feel her holding me tightly, but nothing will fuse me back together again. I thought I was hurt before, shattered beyond repair, but nothing compares to now.
“I… I... need to leave.” I push to my knees abruptly, and then onto my shaky legs.
“What? You can’t leave, Jules, not in this state.”
Ignoring her, I grab a bag out of my closet and start stuffing clothing into it, not even paying attention to the items I’m grabbing.
Where will I go? Who can save me from him?
I pause, thinking to myself. Only one word comes to mind: Sebastian.
He’ll protect me. He’ll make sure his brother doesn’t come for me.
“Jules, you can’t leave, where will you go?” Cally’s voice is filled with fear, with worry, but it doesn’t register in my mind. I search the room for my phone, pick it up, ignoring every single message that lights up the screen. Scrolling to Sebastian's number, I hit the green call button. It doesn’t even ring once and his deep voice is filtering into the speaker.
“Jules?”
“Can you pick me up, please?” My voice is numb, no emotion to it whatsoever.
He did this to you. He used you. Stole from you.
“Of course, where are you?” I can hear him moving around, the sound of keys jingling in the background.
“My house,” I respond.
“Okay, I’ll be there in a few.”
I hang up the phone, power it off and shove it into the bag with the rest of my stuff.
“Jules, please, just talk...you need to talk about this. I can help you fix this, we can report it to administration. They’ll make him pay for hurting you.”
Pay? He’ll never pay for hurting me, and if I stay here, I’ll just get hurt more.
I shake my head, my throat burns, bile rising from my stomach and into my throat. I feel sick, and the last thing I want to do at all is feel, because feeling means pain, and pain is a reminder of what he did to me. He ruined me. He made me love him deeper than I ever loved him before, and then he ripped me to pieces, ripped the love right out from under me.
“No,” I croak. “I’m leaving. If he comes back here, tell him to leave. Do not tell him where I went…” I sling my backpack over my shoulder. The frown on Cal
ly’s face deepens, but she nods her head in agreement and I leave the room, heading for the front door.
I’m numb, broken, the lies and betrayal cut through me so deep that the pain doesn’t even register in my mind anymore. The wound in my chest bleeds with every beat of my heart and I hope for the day when my heart stops beating for a man that never loved me, that merely used me as revenge. When Sebastian's SUV pulls up in front of the house, I slip through the door, hoping I never have to return to this place again.
There's nothing here for me anymore...nothing.
19
Remington
It’s so hard for me to focus on my steps, my eyes blurring with tears. My heart beats so furiously it feels like I’m on the verge of a heart attack. I’ve lost her...in the same week I got her back, I lost her. The hate I have for myself rivals any anger, any revenge, I ever wanted.
She didn’t deserve this. My head hangs low, I’m ashamed. I know I’ve lost Jules, I know it deep in my heart...but that doesn’t mean I can’t make the person who sent out that text pay. Without Jules, I have nothing to live for, which means it won’t matter if I get thrown in prison for killing the fucker that I know did this.
Every muscle in my body burns with an urge to act out in violence, and I curb it by clenching my hand into a fist, my nails biting into my palm. I jog back to the house, even though it’s the last place I want to go. Blood pounds in my ears, the hole in my chest burns, as Jules words play on repeat inside my head.
You hurt her...you got your revenge…
The words fuel my burning rage, my hate for myself and everyone around me. I’ll destroy them all, everyone, including myself. When I finally reach the frat house, I open the door, sending it flying into the wall. Thomas is the first to notice me, our eyes clash, and I know he got the message with the recording too. I can tell even without asking, the look on his face one of complete horror.
“It wasn’t me,” he says, his voice laced with sympathy.
I haven’t told him how I feel about Jules, but he isn’t stupid, he knows she means more to me than anyone else. I’m not worried about Thomas though. I know exactly who it was, and still, I have no way of finding him right now, which only makes me more irrational. I can’t hold the burning rage in any longer and slam my fist into the nearest wall. Pain radiates up my arm, but it doesn’t hinder me, instead, it’s a welcoming feeling. Uncurling my fist, rivulets of blood drip down over my knuckles.
You did that to her heart. You broke it. You made it bleed.
“Dude, are you okay?” Alan’s voice cuts through the air and I turn around, swinging my fist at him. It connects with his cheek, and he falls back against the couch from the blow. He raises a hand to his face, shock appearing before anger and I dare him to stand up to me, to try and fight me. I want it. I want his fists...I want to feel pain. I want someone to hurt me...because fuck do I deserve it.
“Don’t fucking talk to me. None of you. I hate you all...each of you will pay for this.” My lip curls, the need to make all of them bleed burning deep in my veins, but even in my irrational state, I know this isn’t their fault. This is mine, all fucking mine.
I ruined us. I hurt Jules. They didn’t. I fucking did.
Knowing I have to get out of here before I do something stupid, I stomp up the stairs and into my room. Once I’m alone, I lose my damn mind. Tears sting my eyes, slipping down my face, my entire body shakes as I break and destroy every single thing inside the room. I hate this place. I hate the person I’ve become. I hate it all. I pummel the wall with my fists until all I feel is the warmth of blood coating my skin.
It drips down onto the floor, and I stare down at it. Jules’ words haunt me. She thought it was a joke, she thought it was revenge. Curling my hand into a fist, I beat it against my head.
Why was I so stupid...why did I let my feelings rule my actions?
All I can do is ask myself why? Why? Why did I do this?
I hate you…I trusted you…I hate you so much. You’re dead to me…
I'll never be able to forget the look in her eyes as she said those words. I had lost her all over again, and because of such a childish fucking thing. A bet… something I had played, had done since freshman year. No one had ever gotten hurt before, not until now.
My fingers slice through my hair, grabbing two fistfuls, I pull on it so hard I think I might pull it straight from my scalp. The sting of pain runs ripples across my scalp, but it’s not enough. I want to feel the physical pain. I’ve never craved pain so much in my life.
My hands are already bloody, my knuckles aching, but it’s not enough. It will never be enough… no amount of pain can rival what Jules is going through right now. Not only did I break her with this, but I shattered her… I tried to reason with myself, but she wouldn't forgive me, not ever. Fuck, I wouldn't forgive me. I didn't deserve her forgiveness...her love. Plain and simple, I didn't deserve her, but I couldn't stop loving her.
Tears fall from my eyes. I can’t stop punching the wall, over and over again, the drywall sticking to my bloody fists, but I don't stop.
I want to hit something else and nothing's quite as appealing as one person's face.
Cole. I need to find him, he did this. He hurt her, threatened her… he sent that fucking recording. I'm fucking sure of it.
Nothing else matters to me. I told Jules I wouldn't go after him, but that was before, before my entire world exploded. Now he would pay, just as I was. He would suffer.
Before I realize it, my feet are moving on their own, carrying me out of my room and down the stairs. All the guys have congregated in the kitchen, their heads snap up when they see me coming. I don’t pay them much attention...my focus on one thing, and one thing only.
Which is probably why I don’t see that one of the guys standing among my roommates is my brother Sebastian. Confusion… What the hell is he doing here?
I was ready to throw a punch at any of these fuckers, but Seb? I open my mouth to say something, but I don't even get a word out before he’s on me. His face is a mask of barely controlled fury, and I know he knows.
His fist slams into my face once, twice, three times…the impact of his punch jarring. Then he releases me with a shove, making me stagger backward. My knees almost buckle, and I have to lean against the wall to keep myself upright.
I deserve this… I deserve it so much.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? How could you do this to her? I can’t even believe you are my fucking brother.” He shakes his head in disbelief, and I want to tell him I can't believe it either, but I keep my mouth shut.
“I’m so fucking ashamed of you.”
Every single one of his words slices through me like a hunting knife carving through my chest. The words are bad, but they are nothing compared to the tone of his voice. I’ve never heard him sound like this. The agony in his voice. He means everything he’s saying…and he should. I’m a disgrace to my family, to the male race.
My father didn't raise me like this. He raised my brothers and me to be good people, not pieces of shit and immature bastards. I can barely look into Sebastian's eyes, the shame, the guilt it owns me. I think of my father… I doubt I’ll ever be able to look him in the eyes again, because I know that it will never be the same, he’ll never see me as just his son.
I'll always be a reminder of the pain I inflicted on Jules and though my family has forgiven me for some fucked up shit… they will never forgive me for doing this.
“I would have been pissed and disappointed if you did this to another girl…but Jules? I can’t even find the words to tell you how I feel right now. Jesus fuck Rem, we’ve known Jules our whole fucking life. She is like a sister to me, like a daughter to our father…”
The air is sucked from my lungs, and my thoughts start to swim, my head spinning.
“Fucking say something!” Sebastian spits in my face before pulling his fist back and punching me in the stomach so hard I double over and slide to the floor. My knees hit the flo
or first, the impact vibrating up my body.
Say something. What could I possibly say? There is nothing I could say that would make this any better. I can’t defend myself, because there is nothing to defend. Everything he has said is true. I did this…to Jules.
I. Fucking. Did. This.
I don’t even care. I want to forget…to live in pain, to let it own me. But Sebastian isn't like everyone else, and he cares for Jules like her brother did, and so I know he won’t let me forget hurting her. He’ll protect her...make things right. He will do everything I should be doing right now.
“Why? Just fucking tell me why?” he growls, and I gaze up at him, tears leaking from my eyes.
“I was angry with her. I felt betrayed,” I croak. I know it’s a shitty reason, now looking back on it, my pain was nothing more than heartache, but it felt deeper like losing her was losing a piece of my soul. I had already lost my mother, so when Jules left, there was nothing left. I thought I was heartbroken back then, but the pain I’m feeling now is so much worse.
“Angry for what, Rem? Because her father got a job somewhere else and moved away? That’s your big fucking reason for doing all of this? She was fifteen, Rem, what the fuck was she supposed to do?”
A spark of fury ignites inside me, and somehow, I find my voice again.
“She wasn't supposed to leave me!” I scream back at him. My skin heats, and my stomach rolls, bile rising into my throat. I’m disgusted with myself. And my emotions are out of fucking control. I didn’t even mean to yell at him, then again maybe I did. I want him to punch me again. I want him to hurt me for what I did to Jules. I don't deserve anything else but the pain. I don’t even deserve to live. I don't deserve shit...just pain, heartache, and death.
“You are the most selfish, self-absorbed person I have ever met in my entire life. You never deserved her, never. She loved you, and you destroyed her. You literally could've ripped her heart out of her chest, and it would have hurt less.”
He is right, I could’ve, and once again there is nothing for me to say. There are no words that can be said to take back what's happened. A loud knock on the front door startles all of us.