by Beck, J. L.
The words seem foreign as they come out of my mouth. I’ve never taken notice of a girl for who she was, never settling down, or caring enough to have an actual conversation, one that didn’t at least end with my cock stuffed in their mouth, or pussy.
“You aren’t fucking her? And she isn’t using you?”
A bubble of laughter passes my lips. “I’m not fucking her, and she isn’t using me, no. The condo was my idea, the shopping, all of it. I want to keep her close, but not suffocate her.”
Vance looks at my face like he is trying to crack some kind of code. After another second, his facial features soften. “Okay, I’ll try my best to be nice to her. I was just worried about you, man. Your dad’s a real douchebag, just like mine and honestly seeing you around a chick that you weren’t trying to have sex with was weird.”
“I know, and that’s the only reason why I didn’t throat punch you yesterday.”
Vance snorts beside me like I’ve said something funny. “You wish you could throat punch me. Remember the last time I slugged you?”
Rubbing at my jaw as if I can still feel the pain from his knuckles there, I smile. Ava. The first girl we ever fought over, the last girl. Vance thought I wanted his girl, and maybe at first, I did. Then she shot me down, pushing us forever into the friend zone. Which was okay with me since deep down I knew Vance wanted her. He was just too damn stubborn to admit it.
“Yeah, asshole, I fondly remember your douchebag fist connecting with my jaw.”
“Exactly, so think again before punching me, prick…” Vance gives me a malicious grin before turning back toward the board. The professor starts to talk, and immediately I space out. My thoughts drifting to someone else, somewhere else. I have to stop thinking about her like this, like she’s some trophy I’m going to win.
She’s a friend, a girl who needs me, who doesn’t want my cock, social status, or money. She just wants a friend, a protector. You can do this, Clark. Curling my hand into a fist, I press it against my temple willing the thoughts of her naked against my sheets away. Her bright red hair fanned out against my pillow, her breathless moans filtering into my ears, with her sweet taste lingering against my tongue. Stop. I scream to myself, barely holding on to my sanity.
As if sensing my discomfort, Vance leans over. “You okay?”
“Yup,” I say, lying through my teeth. I’m far from okay, so far I’m not even sure where okay is anymore. The class seems to drag on forever, my thoughts swirling around and around like water that refuses to go down the drain.
When the professor finally dismisses us, with an assignment that I never heard, I can’t get out of my seat fast enough. I stand, shoving my shit into my backpack.
“Bye, loser,” Vance hollers as he rushes down the stairs and out the double doors, no doubt meeting Ava somewhere. I’m not far behind him, bounding down the stairs with excitement and nervous anxiety, and all for one girl. One girl that I can’t have.
I make it two steps out the door before some girl cuts me off. Holly. I try and think back to when I first met her...some party. She brushes her long blonde hair over her shoulder and I move with the motion.
I think her name is Holly. The light bulb goes off inside my head. Yes, I remember now, big tits Holly. My eyes wander down her body to her way too large boobs on her tiny frame.
Yeah, I remember those tits.
“Hey Clark, I haven’t seen you around,” she pouts, her red painted lip jutting out into a frown.
“Yeah, I’ve been busy.” I give her a monotone answer while continuing to stare at her tits. Maybe if I fuck this chick really quick, I wouldn’t be so horny around Em all the time. I could just take some pressure off. Mellow out a bit. It’d be so easy to do.
“What are you doing right now? Want to get a second breakfast?” Her voice enticing, teasing. I still haven’t taken my eyes off her double Ds.
Fuck, my dick must be broke. The sucker doesn’t even stir at the sight before me.
“Come on, Clark… I know a classroom that’s empty right now, we could go and…” She steps closer, placing one of her well-manicured fingers on my chest, trailing it down over my shirt-covered abs. My tongue darts out over my bottom lip, as I notice her hardened nipples strain against her shirt. I could do whatever I wanted to her right now. A thought that two weeks ago would have had my dick so hard it would have broken my zipper off. A thought that now has my cock flatter than an airless balloon.
Yup, definitely broke.
Her overpowering perfume invades my nostrils, making me sick to my stomach.
No, I don’t want her, not even a little bit.
“Sorry, not today. Maybe another time,” I say, trying not to be rude, because I already know there won’t be another time. Holly’s pout deepens. I know she wasn’t expecting that, expecting me to turn her down, but even with her tits right in front of me, I can’t bother to get hard. My cock wants someone else, someone forbidden, off limits.
Emerson.
Shaking my head, I look away from Holly, my eyes catching on something, no not something, someone over her shoulder. Wild red hair and a heart-shaped face with two big blue orbs collide with mine. The air in my lungs evaporates. She’s so fucking beautiful, without a spec of makeup, and in a pair of loose fitting jeans and too big sweatshirt she should be the least attractive girl in sight, and yet I can’t seem to pull my gaze away from her.
Holly peers over her shoulder, her eyes finding the person who stole my attention. Jealousy flickers in her eyes. Shit. This is bad. I move to step away from her, but at the last second, she catches me, wrapping a slim arm around my neck, pulling me down, sending our lips crashing against each other’s.
I freeze, stunned, my eyes still on Emerson’s face, a face that is now brimming with horror and sadness. With two hands, I gently shove at Holly, pushing her away, but it’s too late. Emerson has seen the kiss and is now turning to walk away. Fuck, no.
This cannot be happening right now. Brushing past Holly, I all but run across the grass, but it’s too late, Emerson is already running away from me, her red locks blowing in the wind, leaving behind nothing but the linger of her scent.
Anger boils inside of me. How the hell am I going to do this? I can’t just fuck her out of my system, not when I can barely kiss her, or touch her. Clenching my hand into a tight fist, I slam it into the nearest wall, which happens to be a brick one.
Fuck my fucking life.
56
Emerson
I shouldn’t care. Clark is not mine and he never will be, but for some reason seeing that blonde plant her lips on his hurt. It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.
Even as I run, my hair blowing in the wind I can still feel the pain in my chest. It’s like a dull knife has been left in my chest, the pulsing pain mounting with every breath I take.
Emotions I don’t understand assault me. Red hot jealousy coming to the forefront. Jealousy? To be jealous, I would have to be developing feelings and I’m not. I could never… Clark isn’t the kind of man I would ever go for, and dating, it will never happen. I’m too broken, too afraid to develop a physical connection with a man.
I barrel around the corner, my cheeks heated, and my hands fisted at my side. My mind is clouded with this strange feeling so much so that I don’t even see the two people walking toward me until it’s almost too late. I gasp a few inches before I run face first into one of them, we both halt.
“Emerson,” Ava shrieks, clutching onto her chest, her green gaze widening.
“I’m sorry. I… I’m in a hurry. I wasn’t watching where I was going,” I apologize, feeling ten times worse than I did before. Way to go. Take out your friends before you even make them.
“It’s okay, you just scared the shit out of me, that’s all,” she starts giggling. In my mind I know the normal thing to do would be to chime in, join in on her laughter, but in that moment, I feel more like crying than laughing. Unable to make the corners of my mouth go up even slightly, I fight
the tears that are knowingly glistening in my eyes.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. All of this, college, my past, Clark, it all sits heavily on my chest, making it hard to breathe. Where did I even plan on going when I ran away from him? I don’t know anyone here. The last thing I need to do is find myself having a panic attack in the middle of the sidewalk.
I feel Ava’s eyes on me, watching me wearily. I hate that everyone looks at me like I’m a scared animal or something. I wish I didn’t have anxiety… I wish I didn’t fear people, touch, or happiness… I wish he never…
“Hey, you okay?” Ava’s voice breaks through my thoughts.
“Yeah, I’m fine—”
“No, you’re not,” she cuts me off, clearly not buying my runaround excuse. It’s then that I notice there is a person standing beside her. Vance. He’s watching me, his lips pulled into a thin line, his glossy hair disheveled like he’s been running his fingers through it or maybe Ava has, the leather jacket he’s wearing is sculpted perfectly to his body, encasing his upper body like a glove. He’s unnaturally quiet, and the green in his eyes darkens when he sees me watching him.
“Why don’t we go have some coffee?” Ava’s question pulls my attention back to her. Lifting her hand, she places it gently on my upper arm. I can feel the panic rising inside me, slithering through my veins like a snake. I glance over at Vance once more and before I can answer, Ava’s mouth opens again. “Just us two, Vance was just leaving.”
Ava makes a motion with her eyes that says get out of here.
“I was?” Vance questions, a thick brow raised, then as if he remembers something he continues, “Oh yeah, that… yes. I better get going. I’ll see you around, Emerson. Love you, babe,” he tells Ava and gives her a quick kiss on the corner of her mouth. Their interaction though short is sweet and I can only hope that someday I’ll get to experience love or at least some semblance of it.
“Come on, let’s go have a coffee and a brownie from the coffee place around the corner. Both will cheer you up, I promise,” Ava insists. Grabbing onto my hand, she starts walking, tugging me along the sidewalk until I fall into step beside her. For being such a tiny girl, she’s got a lot of strength behind her.
The walk to the coffee shop takes less than two minutes and as soon as we push open the door, the bell above it chimes. The smell of coffee penetrates my nostrils calming the ache in my chest. It’s so strange what a scent can do to you, the memories good and bad it can stir. Two of my favorites are books and coffee.
We order two coffees, one with extra sugar since I like my coffee on the sweeter side, and one with three creams, as well as two brownies at the counter before finding a table next to the window. The coffee shop is quiet, and a hidden gem as Ava calls it among the college coeds. Most of the people that come here come to study, or just mellow out.
As soon as we’re seated, Ava turns to me, her hands cupped underneath her chin. “What’s going on?”
I shrug, chewing on the inside of my cheek. “Nothing. I had my first class today. I have another one this afternoon, but that’s it for the day. I decided to go light my first semester.” For more than one reason.
“First days can be tough, I know all about that, believe it or not…you wouldn’t believe my story if I told you.” There’s a faraway look that appears in her eyes. “I promise it will get easier, there’s only one way you can go and that’s up. Once you settle in, make some friends, everything will work itself out.” Ava sounds so confident, so sure of herself that I almost do believe her, but then reality smacks me in the face and I remember who I am and that I’m not like her, not normal. Not by a long shot.
“I don’t think so. I’m not good at making friends, at least not easily,” I tell her, nibbling on the edge of my brownie.
“I disagree, I’m your friend and that happened quickly and with ease,” she implores. “Even Vance likes you.”
My eyes bug out of my head at her confession and she grins at me as she takes a bite of her brownie.
“Vance likes me?” Could’ve fooled me. I’m not even sure he likes himself.
“He does, in his own, Vance kind of way.”
“Well, his idea of like and my idea of like must be two different things.”
Ava bursts out into laughter, which makes me smile. She reminds me of the sun with her shiny chestnut brown hair and blemish-free skin that has this radiant glow about it.
“If Vance was here right now, he would agree with you. He doesn’t like many people, but you’re growing on him.”
“Like a weed or a flower?” I joke, and Ava beams.
“See, you’ve got this, and you think it’s going to be hard to make friends?”
“It is when you’re like me.”
“Like you? What’s that supposed to mean?”
Again I shrug. “Weird and scared of everything.”
“First of all, we are all a bit weird, second, you are not scared of everything. You are not scared of me… or Clark. You’re just shy, you need to come out of your shell a little. Maybe you should come out with us this weekend.”
“Out? Like a club?” Not going to happen. No way in hell could I subject myself to that. I’d probably have an anxiety attack the moment I got there, or worse, in front of everyone.
Ava shakes her head, blowing on her steaming cup of coffee. “More like a party at someone’s house. I think there is one at Rem’s old frat house.” She pauses and then smiles, her eyes lighting up again, “Oh, you’re going to like Remington and Jules, they’re so nice and cute together.”
I don’t want to be rude and say no, but I can’t agree right now. The idea of going to a party makes my skin crawl. Men, alcohol, sex, it’s the perfect combination for mass chaos.
“I don’t know.”
“I’m sure Clark will come with us. I don’t see him not going. He’s smitten by you.”
Ha, if only she knew what I saw a short while ago. He’s not smitten by me, and even if he was, it wouldn’t matter. It’s never going to happen. We hardly know each other. And I don’t date, and from the sounds of it, neither does he.
“I’ll think about it, okay?” I don’t want to be rude and tell her I won’t come at all, but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to change my mind about it.
The rest of our coffee date we spend talking about less nerve-wracking subjects, like teachers, classes and the best places to eat around here. We exchange numbers, and with a quick glance at my phone, I notice that we’ve been sitting here for well over an hour.
“If you need anything, a friend to talk to, someone to have coffee with, or even if you want to hang out, I’ll gladly volunteer.”
“Thank you, Ava, we need to meet up again,” I tell her, even though I’m not sure that we will. This all happened by happenstance, and while I was glad to have the distraction I know I’ll have to face Clark eventually.
“We will meet up again,” she says, oozing confidence. Wrapping me up in her arms, she gives me a tight squeeze before releasing me. Then we part ways her heading to a class across campus while I head to my abnormal psychology class. Maybe I’ll learn something about myself there.
I recall Clark mentioning something about it being the building next to a giant statue of a wild cat, the university’s mascot. Walking with my head down, I try and stay out of everyone’s way. My phone chimes in my pocket and I pull it out looking down at it. It’s a text from my father. My fingers tremble as I enter the passcode on my phone and open the text.
It reads: Call me. We need to talk.
I can feel the anger in the typed out words. Why wouldn’t he just call me himself? Because he knows how much you hate doing something he wants you to do. Gritting my teeth, I shove my phone into my pocket and continue down the sidewalk. I’ll respond to him later. Forcing myself to look up and straight ahead, I see the statue Clark told me about and almost break out into a happy dance.
I’m so proud of myself. Entering the building, I read the class numbers off inside my head
as I pass the doors. 301, 302, 303… ding, ding. The door to the classroom is open, so I walk in. Of course there are already a few fellow students in their seats, getting their books and whatever else they need out. Moving like a shadow, I try and find a seat in the back of the room but close to the door so if I need to escape, I can do so unnoticed.
My ass hasn’t even hit the chair yet when I see her… the blonde Barbie-like girl that was kissing Clark earlier. She’s pretty. Prettier than me by a long shot and I wish I had even a sliver of the confidence she has. Her gaze sweeps around the room as if she’s looking for someone, soft feminine laughter falling from her lips. Ignoring her presence altogether, I start to tug my books out of my bag and set them on the table in front of me.
They start walking toward me, and my stomach tightens, a boulder of anxiety rolling around inside of it.
“Don’t sit over there, Claudia. She’s garbage.” The Claudia chick giggles, but doesn’t listen to her friend. In fact, she slips farther down the row until she’s in the seat directly in front of me. This is going to be bad. I can already tell.
Blondie follows because where one sheep goes, they all go.
“Seriously? I don’t want to sit next to trash, let’s move,” the blonde sneers, her eyes like daggers as they rake over my face. I should be hurt by her words, after all, she’s calling me trash but I’m not. I’m more insulted by the fact that Clark would kiss someone as disgusting as her. It’s obvious she has a rock for a heart.
“Shut up, Holly, even garbage needs a friend. Plus, she needs to be warned about Clark. Not that I think he would ever dip his dick inside her.” Claudia’s eyes rake over my clothing, assessing me. I know what she sees, what they all see.
An ugly girl drowning in her clothing, hiding, but they have no idea the secrets that I’m keeping, the pain I’ve endured. I’m silently suffering, alone, but I would never wish for them to endure all that I have.
“Clark is just a friend.” My voice trembles even though I don’t want it to.