by Beck, J. L.
No. She shouldn’t even be here and crawling into bed and holding her isn’t going to make forgetting her any easier. Shoving all the thoughts away, I pull the comforter up to her chin and slip from the room, closing the door softly behind me.
Then, I strip down to my boxers and make myself comfortable on the couch. It takes me forever before my eyes start to drift closed, and even when they do, my thoughts circle around her.
Lily… the one thing I can never have.
72
Lily
It takes me forever to open my eyes, far too many bottles of liquor are stacked on top of them. My hands slide across silky sheets, sheets that are definitely not mine, and as I breathe deeply into the pillow beneath my head, I discover it smells like lemongrass and citrus, two things that, I, myself, do not smell like.
Shit, this isn’t my bed. Panic zings through me. Realizing this, I bolt upright in the bed and force my heavy lids open. It makes my head hurt even more, but I push the pain away and scan the room. My vision blurry and my head swimming, as I do so. It feels like I’m on a boat, traveling on rough seas.
My stomach churns, and I press a hand to my mouth. Oh, sweet baby, Jesus.
Don’t throw up, don’t throw up.
Barely containing the vomit that was just rising up my throat, I decide to give myself a moment to recover and retrace my steps from last night.
Did I go home with someone?
No, I wouldn’t do that. My gaze drops down over my body. The clothes I was wearing last night are still in place, the only thing missing are my boots, which I find sitting beside the bed.
Scrubbing a hand down my face, I release a soft groan, racking my brain for memories of last night. I remember being at the party with some guys who invited me, then Rem and Jules showed up. I hung out with them, Rem stepped away to call someone while Jules and I did a line of shots. After that, everything is black. Well, minus the dream with Sebastian, where I told the asshole, I hated him. That I remember.
Breathing through my nose to ease the churning in my gut, I slowly move to the edge of the bed. There’s already a constant drumming behind my eyes. I need some Advil and water, stat, but before that, I need to figure out where I am and get the hell out of here.
Reaching the edge of the bed, I lean over and grab my boots. My fingers have just barely grazed the fabric of said boots, when I hear the door to the bedroom creak open, and catch sight of the hulking shadow of a man standing in the doorway.
I fully expect for one of the guys I was partying with to walk in. Instead, Sebastian greets me with a scowl. “I’m surprised to see you up so early after drinking all that liquor last night.”
Without answering him, I grab my boots and start to pull them on my feet, ignoring the dizziness I feel as I lower my head.
“You know you couldn’t even walk on your own, right? Getting that drunk is reckless and irresponsible. Do you have any idea what could have happened to you if Rem didn’t get you away from that party?”
“Are you seriously giving me a lecture, right now?” My throat hurts, and the words come out raspy, but I don’t care. I push myself up from the bed, ignoring another dizzy spell. “I don’t need you or Remington to babysit me. I was fine where I was… and with who I was.”
“Debatable,” he says through his teeth, and I’m surprised by the amount of anger contained in that single word. I pretend not to notice and head toward the door with my head held high. I expect him to step away and let me out of the room, but instead, he crosses his arms over his chest. With his wide shoulders filling the door frame, there is no place for me to go past him. He is like a wall in front of me.
“Move,” I order.
“No, you’re going to listen to a whole lot more lecturing before you go anywhere. Plus, how are you going to leave? You gonna walk the ten miles to campus?”
If I wasn’t feeling like shit and had more comfortable footwear available, I would probably say yes, but since neither is the case, it’s going to be a hard pass. “Can I, at least, take a shower and get something to drink before I have to listen to more of this?”
Sebastian’s frown turns into the ghost of a smirk and for some reason that pisses me off even more. “Clean towels are in the bathroom cabinet next to the shower. I’ll make you some coffee,” he says, before unfolding his arms, turning his back to me and walking away.
I didn’t realize the amount of tension in this room, and my body until Seb is gone, and my shoulders slouch down.
How can a simple conversation be so intense?
Shaking my head, I find my way into the bathroom. First thing I do is turn on the water and hold my mouth under the faucet. The cold water hits my parched throat, and it feels so heavenly that I drink until my stomach protests.
After that, I start stripping out of my clothes and turn on the water in the shower. It’s not until I step under the hot stream that it hits me. I’m in Sebastian’s bathroom… naked, using his shower, shampoo, and soap, after sleeping in his bed. I suddenly feel like an intruder, like I invaded his private space, all of this feels terribly intimate. I almost laugh out loud. I had his dick in my mouth the other day, not sure how much more intimate and personal you can get.
When I’m done with my shower, I wrap myself up in one of the fluffy towels and dry my hair with a second one. I already feel a million times better, but then I look at the discarded pile of clothes on the floor, and cringe. I don’t want to slip back into the old dirty clothes I slept in. I wonder what the chances are that Sebastian has some clean clothes for me to wear?
Testing my luck, I sneak out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom, wondering if I should go and find him or just try to find something myself. Not wasting too much thought on it, I waltz over to the dresser like I own the place and open the first drawer. Bingo. The drawer is filled with stacks of folded T-shirts. I grab one, drop the towel around my body, and pull on the shirt in one move.
Opening the second drawer, I was hoping for shorts or sweatpants. Instead, I find socks and boxer briefs. Like an idiot, I stare at the black underwear for a moment, imagining them on Sebastian… imagining me pulling them down and freeing his hard cock…
“Looking for something?” Sebastian says behind me.
I’m so startled, I jump back what feels like three feet. My heart slamming against my ribcage in an irregular rhythm as I turn to face him, now only a foot away.
“I-I was just looking for something clean to wear,” I explain.
“Looks like you’ve already found something.”
Luckily, his shirt goes to right above my knees, so he can’t see that I am not wearing anything underneath, but when his gaze wanders down to where my panties should be, he must realize it anyway. The air between us sizzles. Zings with heat. I can feel it in my core, rippling through me. I have to ignore the connection, the simmering heat.
His eyes snap back up to mine, the hazel in them has turned darker, turning almost dark honey or maybe his pupils are dilated. Either way, he looks like he is about to devour me, and I’m not sure if I’m scared or excited by the sudden turn of events.
“You don’t happen to have some clean sweatpants I can wear, do you?” The question hangs in the air between us. Licking my dry lips, I wait for something to happen, and then it does. Sebastian lunges forward, taking me by surprise as he slams his lips against mine.
His hands land on my hips gripping onto me possessively while pulling my body toward him. Even though the kiss is deep and passionate, it only lasts about two seconds. It’s then that he must realize what he just did.
Breaking the kiss, he stumbles back. Before I realize it, my hand is flying through the air, my palm connecting with his cheek, the sting of the hit radiating across my hand. The sound of my hand on his face fills the room.
His head snaps to the side, his jaw clenched so tightly I can see the muscles tightening along it. Through it all his eyes stay glued to mine, a mixture of shock, and desire flickers in his hazel depths. S
hame paints me from the inside out. How do we keep ending up like this? Inside my head, all I hear is this was a mistake.
I don’t want to be a mistake.
I don’t want to be anything.
Another moment passes between us before those two feelings fade molding into a ball of regret and sadness. No. I don’t want to be a regret to him. I don’t want to see sadness in his eyes. Emotions are a fickle thing, and mine are spiraling out of control like a plane that’s been shot down out of the sky.
I want to replace those feelings with something else… need, want. I want to feel anything but the things I’ve felt since losing my entire family, ten years ago. Crossing the space separating us, I sling my arms around his neck, pulling him down to me. This close, I can feel how much he wants me; how much he needs me. Knowing I shouldn’t, but that I’m going to anyway, I press my lips to his.
His whole body stiffens at first, but in the next instant softens, his arms come around my waist, deepening the kiss. I feel like I’m melting… melting into his touch. He shudders against me, and I swear I can feel his walls crumbling. All the tension, all the resentment and anger between us falling away, leaving only us standing in the room.
We kiss for what feels like an eternity, but still, it’s not enough, and when his hands wander from my waist to my lower back and then fall to my ass, I almost burst with need. His touch is electrifying, it ignites something deep inside me. His fingers trail even lower until he is at the hem of the shirt brushing against my bare skin.
He groans when he makes contact with my flesh, and as if that was the final straw, the one that made him snap, he grabs onto me, his fingers digging into my skin. In one swift move, he picks me up. Instinctively, I wrap my legs around his middle, and my arms around his shoulders as he carries me like this to the bed.
Oh, my god, this is it. I’m going to lose my virginity.
I always thought I would be nervous and scared when it happened, but right now, I’m feeling none of those things.
All I’m feeling is lust and need as he gently deposits me onto the bed. Only then does he break the kiss. His eyes bleed into mine as he hovers over me. Indecision paints his features, and I know already that he’s second-guessing this, us. Something overcomes me, and I know I can’t let things end the way they did last time. Yes, this is wrong, but some of the best things end in tragedy. I know without a doubt, I will regret this, but I need him. I need this, and I need it now.
“Please…” The word comes out as a needy whimper. I want this so bad. I want him so bad. Apprehension gives way to something deeper, and I know he feels it. The connection between us, the heat. He wants to reach out and touch it, taste it, and I want to let him. Licking my lips, I gaze up at him through hooded eyes. Time stands still, as I wait with bated breath for him to make his choice.
I know the instant he’s come to a conclusion, because like a rubber band pulled far too tight, he snaps and falls back on top of me.
His perfectly sculpted lips mold to my swollen ones, and his body weight presses deliciously against me, pushing me deeper into the mattress. Leaving me no way of escaping him. As if I would.
Nudging my thighs apart with his legs, I feel his hand snake between us. All he does is graze his fingertips over my drenched folds, and I mewl like a cat in heat. Breaking the kiss, he smiles devilishly against my skin, before starting to nibble at the flesh along my neck.
“I knew you’d be wet for me,” he pants, as he gently rubs against my clit. I almost come right then. The rough pad of his fingers combined with his low husky voice vibrating through me has the power to coax the orgasm right out of me.
Raking my nails over his shoulder, I wish he wasn’t wearing any clothes. Fisting the material in my hands, I’m about to pull his shirt off to make my wish come true when he brings one finger down to my entrance and dips it inside, slipping through the wetness with ease. He teases me, dipping in and out a few times before sliding it in all the way.
All thought evades my mind in an instant, leaving me with nothing but pure ecstasy as the tingling deep inside my belly gathers, building, and on the verge of exploding.
“Fuck, you’re so tight,” he growls, thrusting his finger inside while keeping his thumb on my clit. His finger feels so big, I can only imagine what it would feel like with his cock inside of me. Closing my eyes, I give in to the feeling, letting it overcome me. It rushes in like water, suffocating me, drowning me in its sweet goodness.
“This is mine.” He hisses, biting along my collarbone. The sensation sends shivers down my spine. “Say it. Tell me it’s mine. Tell me you won’t let anyone else touch it.”
Sweet baby, Jesus.
He’s so intense, but I can’t deny him. “It’s yours, all of it. All of me. Only you.”
I can feel the heat pooling in my belly. My climax is near, snaking up my spine, gaining speed with each thrust.
“Good girl,” He purrs with approval and starts to fuck me with his finger, adding a second one to the mix, stretching me slowly as he does so.
With the added finger it doesn’t take long before I’m exploding around him. Clamping down on his fingers, I stifle a whimper by sinking my teeth into my bottom lip. The climax is more intense than any I’ve ever experienced before. My whole body is on fire, every cell scorched by the flames, leaving behind my spent body in a pile of ashes.
Sebastian shifts on top of me and my eyes flutter open. His gorgeous face is closer now, and my heart skips a beat when I think he might kiss me again. He doesn’t though. Instead, he hovers there, studying my face like I’m some fine piece of art.
I can feel his incredibly hard cock pressing against my inner thigh, telling me that he wants me just as bad as I want him. So, why doesn’t he move? Why doesn’t he take his clothes off and drive into me? Why doesn’t he claim me like I know he wants to?
“I want you so bad, but we can’t… we just can’t,” he answers my silent questions.
I want to object. I want to yell at him, shake him until he comes to his senses, but the truth is, he’s right. We can’t. There are a magnitude of things wrong with us coming together, but the biggest one is the fact that he’s the dean, and I’m a student.
There must be some kind of rule against student and faculty relationships. He could get in serious trouble, not to mention all the people who would look down on us.
Even with all the endorphins still flooding my brain, dread and disappointment hang heavy in my gut. I don’t know why I thought it would be different this time.
I should’ve expected it, because, of course, I knew all of this before. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve thought about it. I’ve spent many nights since coming here staring up at the ceiling of my dorm room wondering if we would ever cross the line like this.
In every dream or thought, we put everything behind us. We did what we both craved. But this isn’t a dream, this is reality. Still, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I can’t help but want him, and I don’t know how to make it stop. I have to find a way to make it stop.
* * *
After a very awkward, very uncomfortable drive back to the dorms, I spend the rest of the day in my room, recovering physically from being hungover, and mentally from the realization of what happened between us, and the fact that it can’t happen again.
“So, are you ever going to tell me where you stayed last night?” D asks. I feel bad about not telling her, but I just don’t think I should tell anyone, not even her. If the truth gets out, and Sebastian loses his job, I’ll never forgive myself.
“Some guy, I didn’t even catch his name,” I lie. “I do know he wasn’t a student here. He was at the party with a friend he told me.”
“Sure, he was…” Delilah looks at me suspiciously. She’s opening her mouth, no doubt in an attempt to dig deeper for information when my cell starts to ring beside me. Grabbing the buzzing device off my nightstand, I focus on the number. It doesn’t look familiar, but it’s local, so I answer it anyway
.
“Hello,” I say, giving Delilah an apologetic smile.
“Good afternoon, this is Ashley from the campus bookstore calling. I’m trying to reach Lily Kline.”
“That’s me.”
“Hey, Lily, just wanted to let you know that all of your books just came in and are ready for pick up.” Books? What? It takes a good second for it all to click in my mind, most likely from all the liquor saturating my brain. Sebastian told me he would buy me my books the other day. I just didn’t think he would actually do it.
“Hello?” The friendly voice calls, and I realize, I haven’t said anything in way too long.
“Ah, yes… yes, thank you. I will be coming by later to pick them up. Mhm… just double-checking, have they been paid in full or do I need to bring some money?”
“Nope, you paid everything online when the order was placed.”
Yup, definitely, Seb.
“Okay, thanks again.” I hang up the phone, and swing my gaze over to D. Her eyebrows are raised, and I know she is expecting an explanation for all of this sooner rather than later.
“What? It’s just my book order.”
D, blinks slowly, her button nose wrinkling as if she’s smelt something bad, or worse my lie. “It’s not the books I’m giving you this look for. It’s because I know you’re hiding something, and I want to know what it is.”
“I’m not hiding anything.” Getting the words past my teeth is hard. Delilah is my closest friend, and while I don’t think she would tell a soul about Sebastian and me. I don’t want to risk word getting out. Rumors spread like a wildfire on campus.
She gives me a look that says she doesn’t believe me but doesn’t push the issue. “Let’s go get some dinner since you slept all day, and we can pick up your books on the way.”