by Beck, J. L.
“What the hell was that? Why were you acting so weird with Clark and Emerson?”
Knowing damn well that I can’t lie to Rem, at least not successfully, I say, “They saw us… together, on campus.”
Rem’s mouth pops open, and his eyes narrow. He’s going to say something smart-assed, and then I’m going to punch him.
“You know Clark isn’t going to say anything, he is like family now. You can trust him.”
Okay, so I don’t have to punch him. At least not yet. I’m about to tell him that we’ll talk about this later, that I don’t want to talk about this in front of the girls. I don’t want Lily thinking crappy about herself or…
“They caught us having sex in Seb’s office.” Lily blurts out like it’s no big deal. Like a fish out of water, my mouth opens and closes, and then opens again. Did she… seriously?
Rem and Jules just stare at us wide-eyed for about three seconds before they break out into the loudest fit of laughter I’ve ever heard. Jules holds her stomach like she is trying to hold it together, and Remington wipes tears from his eyes.
“You should’ve seen your face. You looked like a dead fish.” Remington mocks, making a sad attempt at mimicking my facial expression from a moment ago.
“It’s not funny, asshole.” I slug him in the arm before averting my gaze to Lily to see if she’s okay. She looks, well, a little less worried and less like she’s carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.
“It kinda is.” Rem snorts.
“No, it’s not. What if someone else had found us that night?” I question annoyingly.
All he does is shrug, “They didn’t. It was just Clark and Emerson. No need to get your panties in a bunch.”
Shaking my head, I swallow down all my anger. I don’t have the patience for this right now. Rem doesn’t understand what’s at risk for Lily and me. He doesn’t know the danger that being together brings, and yet still here we are standing outside a restaurant together like two lovers. I want this with her, and only her. In that moment, all I can think is, if it’s worth it, I’ll find a way to make it work. I’m not giving Lily up. Not ever.
We part ways from Rem and Jules, and as I’m walking around the car to climb into the driver’s seat, my phone goes off. Without looking at it, I reach into my pocket and turn it off. I’m pretty sure I know who that is, and I can’t talk to the lady at the gallery right now, not with Lily here. I want to make sure I got her the gallery spot first before I tell her about it. Nothing like getting her hopes up just for them to be crushed later.
Climbing into the car, I wait until Lily is buckled up before pulling out of the parking spot. While driving home, I realize how happy tonight has made me. It wasn’t anything crazy, just a simple dinner with family, but somehow it was so much more.
Seeing the carefree smile on Lily’s face after we got all the awkwardness out of the way, how she enjoyed herself, felt good, and sharing her with the world, being able to kiss her and show everybody that she is mine, it felt better than I ever could’ve imagined.
“I’m gonna hop in the shower, and then we can crawl into bed,” Lily yawns as we enter the foyer giving away just how tired she is.
Once she disappears into the bathroom, I fish my phone out of my pocket and turn it back on. Excitement bubbles to the surface. I can call the gallery back now and surprise her later.
My excitement fizzles to disappointment as soon as I look at the screen and realize that it’s not a message from the art curator like I had thought, but a text message from an unknown number. Opening the message, my heart sinks into my stomach, bile rising up my throat. There are two pictures in that message, both of them are of Lily and me; one of us kissing, and the other is of us entering the house together.
My hand squeezes the phone tight enough to snap it when I see the message attached to the pictures.
Unknown Number: Wonder what the University would think if they saw these images?
The need to type out a reply, to scream at this person for threatening Lily, for threatening me pulses in my veins. Without even knowing them, I want to hurt them. To make them pay. But that won’t happen, not with these pictures dangling over my head. I have no choice. I have to play nice. With shaking fingers, I type out, what do you want? Instead of the lengthy, anger riddled message, I want to. Then I slide the phone back into my pocket and hope like hell I can keep this hidden from Lily because if not, I’ll most likely lose her forever.
80
Lily
“Why are you peering down into your iced coffee like it killed your cat or something?” Del questions as she shoves down into the seat beside me. Meeting up in the library to study is the easiest for me. Studying at home is boring, and studying when Sebastian is home isn’t really studying, not when all I want to do is climb him like a mountain.
Tapping my pen against the wooden surface, I answer, “Just thinking…”
“About?”
“Stuff.”
“What kinda stuff? Butt stuff? Or stuff, stuff?” Del wiggles her dark brows, before tossing a few strands of her dark brown hair over her shoulder. No matter what, she always finds a way to cheer me up.
“Just stuff.” I shrug, unsure if I want to really get into talking about mine and Sebastian’s relationship with her. Delilah and I are good friends, but I don’t want to burden her with my insecurities or problems.
Delilah’s lips form into a pout, and she leans into my face, real close, almost like she’s examining me. “Does this have something to do with that hot mountain of a man, known as the dean?”
I hate it when she calls him that. Or Mr. Miller. Or Dean Miller.
“Maybe, but I think it’s all in my head…” I chew on my bottom lip, “Yeah, it’s probably nothing.” It has to be nothing because there is literally no proof of any wrongdoing. The only noticeable thing is that Sebastian is acting different, but I can’t really pinpoint how. He’s the same, nothing’s really changed not in the sense of him being close or caring for me, but more in the sense of uneasiness. He seems anxious, and almost angry sometimes, and it seems to come out of nowhere.
Del’s gaze widens, “Oh no, do you think he is cheating on you? Because if he is…I’ll help you dispose of the body. I know a really...”
“No. Stop.” I shake my head, grinning. Delilah is too good of a friend. “I really don’t think that’s it. He wants to spend every minute of the day with me and, though, I don’t have a lot of relationship experience, I feel like if he were cheating that wouldn’t be the case. I don’t know. I just feel like he is worried about something.”
“Hmm, sounds like you need to talk to him. Figure out what’s going on. I’ve dealt with cheating men before but to be honest, beyond that, I don’t have much more experience and definitely not with a guy like Sebastian.”
Puzzled by her explanation, I ask, “What do you mean, a guy like him?”
“Like a guy who has his life together,” Del giggles. “I’ve dated more of the, I’m taking a year off college kind of guys.”
“Those are the guys you should be dating, silly. You’re in college. Now is the time to be dating douchebags, assholes, and fuck boys. Not when you’re thirty and looking for a man to settle down with, to get married and have kids.”
Del shrugs, “Yeah, I guess you’re right, but if that’s the case, maybe you should be taking your own advice. Maybe Sebastian is too serious? Maybe that’s the problem?”
I think about what she’s said before I shake my head. “No, I don’t think so. For being the dean, and having all that authority, he’s really laid back.”
“I’ll bet he is…” Delilah giggles again while opening up her textbook.
“Are you always such a child?”
“Yes, yes, I am.” She answers before diving headfirst into a stack of notes. While Delilah might be childish on the outside, laughing and teasing, she takes her academics serious.
With the fun over we reroute our attention back to our books, tryi
ng to at least get a little more studying in. I’ve just finished a chapter of biology notes when two girls sit down at the table next to us. Jesus, there is an entire row of tables ten feet away, but they have to sit right on top of us. I try not to be bothered by it, but cripes.
I catch one of them giving me a friendly smile, out of the corner of my eye. I’m pretty sure her name is Ana, and I share a class with her, but I can’t remember which one. Probably one of the boring ones. My guess being math or social studies. Classes I spend time thinking about art, instead of what’s going on in class.
“Did you hear the rumor about the new dean?” Ana whispers to her friend, but she might as well be yelling it with how close they’re sitting to us. My ears perk up at the mention of Sebastian. I know it’s rude to eavesdrop, but I can’t help it. Del’s eyes snap up, and she gives me a knowing look, before directing her gaze back down to her books.
“The one where everyone keeps saying he is super hot?” The other girl giggles, and suddenly, I have the urge to accidentally drop my book on her face. Wonder if she would think he was still hot then?
“Well, that is no rumor, have you seen the man’s abs?” Ana retorts. “I’m talking about him banging a student.”
“No way!” The other girl practically shouts, and Ana reaches out, covering her mouth with her hand.
“Shut up. You’re going to get us kicked out.” Ana pulls her hand away, and the girl frowns. Ignoring her friend, she continues, “I heard someone saw him with a student. Like them getting into his car and him taking her to his house.”
My throat tightens, and my heart beats so fast, I think I’m on the verge of a heart attack. This can’t be happening. This is my worst nightmare brought to life.
“Who is the girl?”
I wait with bated-breath for Ana to say my name but a second ticks by and then another before I see her shrug her shoulders.
“No clue. Whoever saw them was too far away to make out who the girl was.”
“Boo! That’s too bad.”
“I know, I would love to know who she is, so I can ask her how she got him and if she is willing to share…” Ana winks at her friend, and I can feel the bile climbing up my throat. I’m going to vomit all over the place if I don’t get out of here. I can’t listen to any more of this.
“Ready to go, Del?” I ask, already gathering up my books and notes, while stuffing the papers in between the pages. I can’t do this. I can’t.
“Yes,” Del says a little louder than necessary and the girls beside us look at us like we’ve grown a second head. Shoving my shit into my backpack, I wait as long as I can for Del who is slower than the ice age, might I add, before I start walking away. I’ll just wait by the circulation desk for her.
As I walk, my heart sinks lower and lower into my belly. Tears prick at my eyes, and I blink them away. I cannot. I will not have a mental breakdown in the university library over this.
“Hey! Wait up,” Del calls from somewhere behind me, and I stop, my shoes squeaking against the linoleum. My chest rises and falls, but it doesn’t feel like I’m getting any air into my lungs. Del comes to stand in front of me. Her face is a blur, tears fill my vision, but I can still make out the mixture of fear and sadness reflecting back at me.
“It’s just a rumor, Lily. No one knows that it’s you.” She whispers, her voice soft.
“I… I know…it is.” All I can focus on is getting away from everyone. Everything. I can’t handle this right now. “I… I have to go. I’m sorry.”
“Lily, wait…” Delilah calls, but I’m too fast. Wiping at my tear-stained cheeks, I rush out of the library. I have no idea where I’m going to go. Pulling out my phone, I dial the first number I can think of.
“Lily. Hey, what’s up?” Jules’ sing-song voice fills my ears melting away a thin layer of my anxiety.
“Can you… I don’t mean to inconvenience you or anything, but I need a ride back to Sebastian’s place.”
“Oh, my god, stop it, Lily. You’re not an inconvenience. You’re basically family. More like a sister than a friend.”
“That means a lot to me. I’m just feeling crappy today, and I want to go back to the house and sleep for a while.” Forever.
“Yeah, sure, where are you at?”
“Umm, I’m near the library. I’ll wait for you out front.”
“Okay, see you soon.” We both hang up at the same time.
Heading back toward the library, I find one of the benches out front and sit down. My head falls into my hands, and I suck oxygen in through my nose to ease the ache that’s forming in my chest. I thought the anxiety attacks were gone. It’s been so long since I had one.
As I sit, waiting, trying to calm myself, my thoughts run rampant. This was a mistake. If anyone finds out that it was me… my stomach twists, and twists and all the anxious anxiety I’ve been feeling ripples through me.
I love Sebastian, truly I do, but we can’t keep hiding this. We can’t keep pretending like what we’re doing is okay, when it isn’t. Love is a risk I’m willing to take, but to stay with him, one of us will have to make a sacrifice.
* * *
After Jules gave me a ride home, I took a shower and then a nap. Waking up, I felt a little bit better but still not one hundred percent. In my mind, all I can hear is Ana’s voice. All I can see is my name sprayed on the walls of the school. It kills me that we’re doing all of this in secret. The one thing I never wanted to be is the one thing I’ve become. I won’t be his dirty little secret. I won’t. Something has to change.
Trying my best to get my emotions under control, I make myself a cup of coffee and sit down in the living room. I should paint or draw, or do something, but I can’t. Five minutes later, I hear Sebastian’s jeep pulling in the driveway.
As soon as he enters the house, a calm overtakes me. It’s like his mere presence has the power to soothe any ache or pain from my body. The front door opens, and I hear him depositing his stuff on the dining room table.
“What’s going on, Lily? I’m worried about you, baby.” He practically growls as he stalks into the living room and over to where I’m sitting on the couch. When I look up at him, there are tears in my eyes.
Stupid emotions. His hazel eyes soften further, and he looks at me like I’m a piece of glass that’s about to shatter, and maybe that’s because I am. I’m about to break, and I don’t know if Sebastian will be able to piece me back together again.
Without even a second thought, he takes me into his strong arms, pulling me into his chest. My hands fist at his shirt, and I inhale deeply into the crook of his neck. We’ve done a lot of things. He’s seen me in a couple of low times, but he’s never seen me this broken. Carefully, he sits on the couch, never letting me go and positioning me on his lap.
“What happened? Are you okay? I will kill whoever hurt you. I swear to God.” Though I don’t think Sebastian would ever hurt a fly. I know he means it. The warmth of his body seeps into me, and I lift my head from the crook of his neck and press my lips to the throbbing pulse beneath the surface.
I can’t give him up.
“Tell me what happened, Lily, because I’m about two seconds away from losing my fucking mind.” Sebastian tenses, and that angelic jaw of his turns to stone.
“Earlier, I was in the library with Delilah, we were studying, and…” I don’t know why it’s so hard to talk about. Why the words get caught in my throat, but they do.
Those hazel orbs I love so much flicker with rage, “Who hurt you?”
“No one hurt me,” I answer finally.
His shoulders sag with relief, but the tension in his body isn’t gone just yet.
“If no one hurt you, then why are you crying?” His voice is low and reaches somewhere deep inside of me. It causes an ache, a different kind of one, to pulse deep in my core. One of his hands comes into view as he cups me by the cheek and forces me to look up at him. “What happened, Lily?”
Licking my suddenly dry lips, I spill th
e beans, “There’s a rumor. Someone said that they saw us together.”
“What?” Sebastian blinks, and his eyebrows shoot up his face.
“Okay, bad wording. The rumor is that you’re sleeping with a student. The person spreading said rumor doesn’t know who the girl is, but that doesn’t matter. Someone saw us together. Someone knows.”
The way Sebastian is looking at me right now has me confused. He looks, well he looks like he’s not all that concerned, and that bothers me. It bothers me a lot.
81
Sebastian
I don’t know what’s worse, seeing Lily cry over this or knowing that I’ve kept the secret of someone knowing from her. Guilt from the secret I’m keeping burns through my veins. I can feel the words pricking against the tip of my tongue. I want to tell her that I already know but telling her won’t make things better. Not now.
It’ll just push her away, and I can’t lose her. Not now, not ever.
“It’s going to be okay, Lily. I promise you that nothing bad is going to happen,” I try to soothe, knowing damn well, that it’s a lie. I can’t promise her that we are going to be okay. Not when I have no idea what’s going to happen. This lie, the blackmailing, the rumor. It could all blow up in my face. It could cost me so much more than just Lily.
Lily stares up at me, her crystal blue orbs hold my gaze and remind me of the ocean. I want to dive right inside them.
“You don’t know that. If someone finds out, you’ll lose your job.”
My lips tip up at the sides, “I don’t care anymore, Lily. It’s just a job. I can find a new one somewhere else. I cannot find a new you.”
Her eyes grow to the size of tennis balls, while tears slip from them and down her cheeks, but I don’t think they’re sad tears. There is happiness lingering in her eyes, a happiness I’ll do anything to keep there, forever.