by Lisa Gerkey
I know he isn’t only talking about Staci. I’m a lot different now than when we first met in Memphis. For a day, I almost forgot that Kennedy. Josh made me forget.
My heart is breaking, but I don’t want him to see how much it hurts me to walk away from him. He was with Staci when we met. He’s done nothing wrong. We’ve done nothing wrong. But, if I stand in his way and keep him from his child, that would be wrong. It isn’t meant to be between Josh and me.
“I know you think I’ll look for drugs, but I won’t. I’ve come too far to mess it up, and it’s all because of you. I just…I need to get away while you deal with you and Staci. I’ll go to Jaycee’s for a while. I’ll be safe there. You just do you for a while and stop worrying about me.”
“I don’t want you, or me. I want it to be us! Don’t you get it, Kennedy?”
“Get what, Josh? What is it I’m supposed to get?”
“I fucking love you, Kennedy. I don’t know when it happened, or how. It’s been like free falling off a damn cliff with you. I fell, and I landed hard. I love you. I would never turn my back on a child, but even if there is a baby, I won’t be with Staci. I can’t. I don’t love her. It’s only you.”
I can’t listen. I’m afraid to consider that Josh and I can have a future. I didn’t believe it before, and now that Staci has dropped the bomb, it’s even harder now to think it can ever happen.
I pick up the phone he got for me earlier, but it’s almost comical because I realize I have no one to call. I don’t know anyone’s phone number. I’m sure Josh is waiting for me to say something, but I don’t know what to say. He loves me. He says it’s true and maybe it is. I don’t know how to tell because the only people who have ever said that are my parents and Jaycee.
“Fine. I get it, Kennedy. You need to get away. I’d probably want to do the same thing if I were in your shoes. It isn’t over between us. If you’re determined to go somewhere, let me take you to Jaycee’s house. Phoenix is out there. He’s probably got people working for him, too. You need to be careful.”
“No. You can call my sister to come get me, but nothing more. You’ve done enough for me. Please get your own life straightened out, Josh. I don’t think we always have a choice in what fate has in store for us. It is what it is. I’ll always be thankful you came into my life when I needed someone the most.”
I put my two bags by the front door and sit on the couch while I wait for Jaycee. Josh sits in his recliner. I’d say he’s ignoring me, but I know that isn’t true. I can feel his eyes burning a hole through me.
A knock on the door interrupts the silence. Grant and Jaycee come into the apartment when Josh opens the door.
“What the hell’s going on, Josh? What did you do to her?” Grant demands. There’s some animosity already between these two.
“It’s complicated. I didn’t do anything to her, but…Staci was here when we got home earlier. It didn’t go well, and Kennedy wants to leave.”
“I never took you for a cheater, man.”
“I didn’t cheat! I broke up with Staci. It’s no secret we messed around a few times, but I don’t want her.”
I feel sorry for Josh. He has to explain himself to everyone.
“Guys, Josh didn’t do anything wrong. He’s helped me. He has things he needs to take care of instead of worrying about me right now. If you don’t want me to stay with you, I can find somewhere else to go.”
“No, Kennedy. That’s not necessary. We want you to come home with us. Don’t we, Grant?” My sister gives her husband a stern look that says he shouldn’t argue.
“Yes, you’re welcome to stay with us.”
I start to pick up my bags, but Josh stops me. “I got it. I’ll follow you down.”
When we get to Grant and Jaycee’s truck, they both get inside. Josh opens the back door and tosses my bags across the seat, and then he closes the door before I can get in. My sister and her husband being close by doesn’t faze him one bit. He pushes me against the truck and kisses me.
I kiss him back with everything I have. He wraps his arms around me and holds tight. “I don’t want you to go, but I get it. I’ll talk to you, okay? You got your phone?”
“Um hum. Yeah, I got it.”
“Good. I have the number, and I programmed mine into yours earlier, so I know you have mine. This isn’t over, Kennedy. Not by a long shot. When I get my shit figured out, I’m coming for you, so you better be ready.”
I want to believe him, but I won’t get my hopes up because I’m afraid I’ll end up with my heart completely broken. I don’t want to go back to the same dark place I was before. The symptoms are still there. I yearn for the drugs, especially when I need to escape. The cravings have weakened a little, mostly because I stayed focused on Josh. He’s gone now, but I need to stay strong.
Funny how I don’t believe the little pep talk I give myself nearly as much as I’d like to.
***
“No. Hell no. It’s not going to happen, and I don’t want to hear another word from either of you about this.” Grant glares at my sister and me.
Jaycee is lucky to have a good man like him in her life. She thought she had that with her first husband, David, but there was nothing good about him. It just took a few years before he let his true colors show. Thank God, Grant is making up for all the terrible shit she’s been through with everyone else. I’m proud he always looks out for Jaycee and protects her.
“Grant, I don’t want Kennedy going to Kentucky alone. I’ll be perfectly fine. I just want to go with her, get her all settled. I’ll be back here with you in no time. Two nights. I’ll only stay two nights. I promise.”
“He’s right, Jaycee. You need to stay home. Stop worrying about me. You have a baby to think about now. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you… again. Please listen to your husband.”
I’ve stayed with Grant and Jaycee a few weeks. Even avoided running into Josh. He’s texted my phone several times, but I haven’t responded. I can’t deal with only half knowing what’s going to happen between us. It either is, or it isn’t.
I think he and I aren’t anything.
Staci is definitely pregnant. Grant and Jaycee saw her leaving the OB’s office last week. There’s no way Josh would ever be with me over the mother of his child. I know what he said, but I don’t believe him. He’s talked about how he and Jeff grew up with terrible parents. Without a mother.
Clayton doesn’t seem bad now, but Josh says that’s only because he’s changed. He’s proud his dad has his life together now, and they are working on building their relationship, but that doesn’t change the hurt he caused when Josh was growing up.
Jaycee and I saw her lawyer, and we took care of all the paperwork for my inheritance. I’ve only bought a new car since I got the money. I don’t even know what happened to the clunker I drove before.
Most of the time, I’m confident I won’t fall off the wagon with the drugs, but then sometimes—sometimes the cravings are so intense, I wonder how much longer I can keep fighting before I give in.
I won’t give in. I can’t. It isn’t an option. I remind myself to stay strong. The connection between Josh and me may be gone, but I don’t want to disappoint him. I wouldn’t be where I am now without his help.
“I’m so proud of you, Kennedy. You’ve been through a lot, but you’re on the other side of all that now. Good things are waiting for you. I know you want to find Lindsey because you’re scared Jayson will get to her, but please be careful. No one knows more than me how dangerous those damn Phoenix men can be. Just be smart, okay? If you run into any sign of danger, reach out to Grant or me.”
I’ve told Grant everything I can think that will help the authorities find Jayson. I know Grant has connections. Jaycee’s told me about the work he does. She works with him sometimes, but since she’s pregnant, they only allow her to work from home or the office.
“I’ll be fine. I have some ideas. Don’t worry about me. I promise I’ll call yo
u every day.”
Jaycee has a familiar look on her face. Something is on her mind. Before, nothing would hold her back, but since I’ve been staying with her and talked with her about our past and how I felt about things after Mom and Dad died, she’s worked hard to give me space. She doesn’t try to tell me what to do anymore, nor does she try to convince me she has all the answers. I think my sister finally understands my problems are mine to fix.
“What about Josh?”
Exactly what I knew was coming. We haven’t talked about Josh. I let her and Grant both know right away I didn’t want to think about him or talk about anything that went on between the two of us. How else am I supposed to forget about him and put it all behind me? I’ll always remember, but I can pretend I don’t. That’s what I’ve been doing. Pretending I don’t care, that I don’t think of him every minute, night and day.
“I’m sure he’s with Staci, and they’re probably planning their wedding and getting ready for the baby.”
I don’t tell Jaycee that he texts me every single day. He’s miserable with his life. He wants me, or so he says, but he can’t turn his back on his baby. I totally get that. I’d never ask him to desert his child. I won’t ask Josh for anything. Any possibility of a relationship between Josh and me is gone now. I don’t like it, but that’s my reality.
“I know he cares about you, Kennedy. Don’t write him off too quickly. It’s always been weird between Josh and Staci. I don’t see a future for those two together.”
“Yeah, well, they have another life to think about now. I know Josh a little bit from the time I spent with him, Jaycee. He won’t let his child grow up without a father. I’d never ask him to.”
“Who says he can’t have you and his child in his life, Kennedy. This isn’t the old days. People co-parent and raise their children in separate homes all the time now. It happens so much it doesn’t even seem odd. I get that you need to let him take care of his situation, but I hate that you won’t talk to him at all.”
“Wait. How do you know I don’t talk to him at all?”
“He sends me text messages, and he calls me sometimes. We’ve been friends a long time, Kennedy. It would be too awkward to talk about anything that went on between you intimately, of course, but…he tells me almost every day how much he loves you, and I believe him. He was a basket case after he came back from Memphis. Then you called him and had him out looking for you… A guy doesn’t go to all that trouble for a woman unless he feels something for her. I think you love him, too. I know he’s helped you…so much. You remind me of the sister I grew up with. I’m proud of you and how far you’ve come. I think we owe this to Josh. He’s a good man.”
I nod my head. I hear everything Jaycee’s telling me. She’s been right before. Could she be right now? Is there still a chance Josh and I can be together? I don’t know. I can’t sit around and do nothing while I wait to find out. While Josh is getting his life figured out, I’ll focus on my life, and I’ll find Lindsey. Hopefully, soon we can all come together and figure out a way to get Jayson Phoenix and put him behind bars.
Chapter Nineteen
Josh
“What do you think?” Staci steps into the foyer and spins around in circles with her arms spread wide.
“I don’t know what to think. No. I do know, actually. This is all moving too fast. We need to slow things down.”
Staci convinced me to join her and her parents for dinner. I wasn’t expecting her father to surprise her with the key to a new house. Her, not me.
I keep telling Staci, I’ll be here for the pregnancy, and I’ll be a good father. She and I can co-parent. That doesn’t mean we’re a couple. She doesn’t understand that, and I don’t think her father quite gets it either. Her parents made comments throughout dinner that leads me to believe they assume we’re still getting married.
“Is the thought of being with me that bad, Josh? We’re so good together. Remember? Do you remember how things were between us before you met her?”
“Yeah, I remember. We hooked up and had sex. We fucked, Staci, and nothing more.”
“Well, it’s certainly more now, isn’t it? We’re going to be parents. I don’t want our child raised in two separate homes. Please. We can do this. I know we can. I’ll help you forget all about that girl. Trust me, Josh, I’ll take care of everything.”
Yes, please make me forget, I think to myself, but no, that isn’t right either. Kennedy takes up my thoughts, night and day. I don’t want to forget her, I want to find a way out of this mess and get back to her.
I’ve tried to remember when I had sex with Staci without protection. I can’t recall a single time. She isn’t far enough along to blame it on the alcohol, the same night I proposed. Things don’t add up.
I’m afraid to say anything. What if she’s telling the truth? What if things got heated one night and I don’t remember forgetting the condom? I don’t want my son or daughter thinking I didn’t want him or her.
“I don’t want you to take care of anything, Staci. I’m doing the best I can here. I won’t leave you to handle this alone, but I can’t live in a house with you and pretend. Don’t you get it? I can’t do it. I care about you, but…”
“But, you want to run back to the needy little whore you found in Memphis. I get it, okay? But, there’s something you need to get, Josh! I will never allow trash like her around my child! If you choose her that means you’re choosing to turn your back on this baby.”
I don’t know who the hell this woman is. That’s clear now. The fun girl I met up with at the sex club, and occasionally outside of the club—that girl was all an act. The real Staci doesn’t appeal to me. At all.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to turn my back on the baby, but the more time I spend with Staci, the further Kennedy slips away.
I can’t even go after Kennedy. Not yet. She won’t listen to me until things are resolved with Staci, and that sucks because I’m tied to Staci forever.
My phone rings. I take it out to see who’s calling. I don’t recognize the number.
“Hello.”
“Joshua. Oh, I’m so glad you answered. This is Maggie. There’s been an incident.”
“What kind of incident? Is everyone okay?”
“No, honey, everything isn’t okay. If you want answers, it would be best if you came here.”
Maggie hangs up before I can ask for more details. I have no idea what’s going on. At least I have an excuse to get away from Staci for a while. I’ll forget about her and our situation here while I worry about what’s going on with Dad and Maggie. I hope like hell the old man isn’t drinking again.
“I have to go, Staci. Something’s going on with Dad. I need to go.”
“I’ll go with you!”
“No, Staci. You won’t. We aren’t together. I need time and space to think about everything. Besides, you need to take care of yourself and the baby. And, Staci—just so you know—whatever I decide, it won’t include us getting married or living in this house together.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Josh. Didn’t I hear a few days ago that Kennedy’s already left Nashville? She’s never going to settle down. You’ll run back to me when you figure out that girl has nothing to offer you.”
Staci bitches and moans the whole time I drive us back to the apartment where she left her car. I let most of what she says go in one ear and out the other. She could be right about a lot of things, but she couldn’t be more wrong when she talks about me loving her if I give it a chance. I know what love feels like now, and I know who love looks like. It damn sure isn’t Staci’s face I see every damn time I close my eyes.
***
I park my truck in Dad’s driveway. It looks like they have company. Besides Dad’s truck and their car, there’s another shiny, new car. I climb up the steps on the porch two at a time and knock. I barely pull my hand away before the door opens.
“Josh, I’m so glad you came. Come in.” Maggie backs away fr
om the door to let me come inside.
Dad’s sitting in his recliner with the remote control in his hands. He looks fine.
“Somebody going to tell me what the hell’s going on? You both look fine. What am I doing here?”
I hear a noise in another room. The dogs are sacked out on the floor beside my dad’s chair so I know it isn’t them.
“Your little lady showed up here a few days ago.”
“My lady? Who? What are you talking about?”
“Kennedy. She came here to see Lindsey, but Maggie wasn’t ready to talk about her yet, so she decided to stay for a few days. We hear her in there every night. I guess she has nightmares or something. I understand why she thinks she needs the shit. The dope is a crutch she uses to get through everything, but well…I know how hard you worked to get the girl clean. I followed her to Pete’s Bar and brought her ass back to the house and had Maggie call you. Anyway…she’s in the guestroom.”
“You’ve got her locked in the damn bedroom? Seriously? What if I hadn’t shown up? What were your plans then?”
“You’re here, aren’t you?”
He smirks, and hands me the key to the bedroom.
My heart pounds against my chest with every step I take down the hallway. Kennedy hasn’t been out of my head for more than a minute since we’ve been separated. This isn’t how I pictured things going when I saw her again, but fuck, I can’t seem to care about anything other than I’ll see my beautiful mess of a girl.
I unlock the door and push it open. I barely duck down in time to miss a loose object flying toward me. She’s pissed. I can’t say I blame her.
“He called you, didn’t he? Of course, he did. I can’t take it anymore, Josh, I can’t. I know you want to save me, and apparently, you have your whole fucking family in on it, but you can’t. It’s hopeless. I’m hopeless. Don’t you get it? I don’t want anything except something to make these feelings go away. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t do anything except think about you! I want to forget everything, and there’s only one thing that will help me do that right now.”