At some point he left the desk and opened his watch by the window. Some barmy part of himself wanted to keep track of time, to see how long it took her to make the case that they should end their marriage in a pack of lies. But he could no more read time than he could read Etruscan. So he only stared at his watch, a watch she’d given to him as an engagement present, a watch that had the words “Love is patient. Love is kind.” inscribed on the inside of the lid.
He felt neither patient nor kind. When she finished speaking, he was going to drag her upstairs. And she could tell the bedpost what she thought of his barbarity.
And then she did finish speaking. He looked back at her. She gazed at him expectantly. “May I count on your assistance in this matter?”
She’d stood up. One of her hands rested on the surface of the desk, the other on the case that contained the microscope.
He walked back to the desk, pulled out the case from under her hand, opened the clasp, and assembled the microscope as she watched. When it was done, he took a step back. Yes, it was very fine-looking indeed, and he’d been promised that it would last a lifetime.
Across the table she cast a blank look at the microscope and raised her eyes to him, eyes that were the green of a wet summer. “Well, may I count on your assistance in this matter?”
And he came to a startling realization: She was not worth it. She was not worth the microscope. She was not worth the effort he’d expend to fuck her quiescent. She was not worth the dignity and solemnity of a marriage.
“Of course,” he said. “You may be assured of my every cooperation.”
If he stared hard enough, he could make out the shape of a shoulder, the flow of an arm. She sat above him, frozen, as naked as a beached mermaid, her skin a smooth dusky expanse that glimmered faintly blue in the starlight. Her hair, like a rising tide, concealed the curvature of her breasts and half of her face.
He’d never seen so much of her, even though he could hardly see anything of her except shadow and shimmer. In her sleep, in the cool, shuttered darkness of her bedchamber in Belgravia, he’d mapped every inch of her body. He knew her by geography (the ascent of a kneecap, the bumps of her spine), by texture (the slight roughness of heels and elbows, the tiny hairs on her forearms and calves), and by taste (the milky sweetness of a nipple, the soft turmeric tang between her legs). But never by sight.
He spread his hand over her abdomen. She was warm and still, like Pygmalion’s statue brought to life. He looped his other arm about her, and pulled her torso toward him.
She resisted, but it was a resistance more of form than substance, for he applied only a slight pressure. When he had her close enough he kissed her chin, her jaw. She turned her face away, as if afraid he would kiss her on the mouth. So he kissed her ear, most attentively, and listened to her soft, ragged breaths of pleasure.
Her ear, her shoulder, the top of her arm. His hands pushed their way down her back, and cupped her soft, round bottom. He was hard again inside her. She whimpered. Such a beautiful sound, pure lust, pure pleasure.
Slowly, for the camp bed was narrow, he turned them around so that he was above her. He kissed her throat, her collarbone, her breasts. Her hips moved, flooding him with sensation.
Her fingers encircled his wrists tentatively. For a moment he was petrified with fear, that she would push him away. But her hands traveled up his arms, and finally hooked behind his neck.
His heart slowly fell back into place. His body moved into an appropriately worshipful rhythm. But her concurrence was a powerful aphrodisiac, and soon he was again drunk on desire, helplessly in thrall, holding back only to please her.
And once she clenched about him and quavered—ah, then he could not hold back anymore at all, the long-gathering wave crashing ashore, the fervent worshipper driven into ecstacy.
He thrust into her fiercely, claiming her, marking her, filling her with himself, dominating and submitting, taking and giving.
Her master and her slave.
As soon as she’d gathered her wits together, she left the bed. She picked up her nightgown and hurriedly pulled it over her head.
“Stay with me,” he said.
“I’d better not.”
“So you were only exploiting me?” There was a hint of smile in his voice. He knew very well that she was not capable of such a thing.
It took her half a minute to find the sleeves of her nightgown and thrust her arms inside, by which time he’d risen from bed and lit a lantern.
“Don’t go yet.”
“It’s late.”
“It was already late when you came.” He’d worn only a pair of pyjama trousers in bed, but now he’d put on the kurta tunic too. The three buttons at the top of the kurta, however, were all open. The flickering lantern light gilded the exposed skin of his throat and his chest. “Have a seat.”
She shook her head.
He rubbed a thumb across her cheek. “Are you going to force me to keep standing in my condition?”
Medically speaking, he was a well man and could stand any number of hours. Not to mention, they were headed up Lowari Pass in the morning. But he was still too thin, and she was still of the belief that he needed far more rest than he allowed himself.
Reluctantly, she sat down at the edge of the bed. He sat down beside her and placed his arm across her shoulders. “I won’t bite, you know,” he said. “I might lick, but I won’t bite.”
“I don’t want you to lick either.”
“I will lick only where you like, how is that?”
“No. This won’t happen again.”
“Hmm. Then why did it happen at all?” He kissed her lightly on the corner of her eye. “Have you become delirious too?”
Of course she had. A delirium of primal urges and senselessness. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“I want it to happen again,” he said, his voice low but fierce.
She shook her head.
“Why not?”
“Because it was a mistake.”
“Just as our marriage was a mistake?” His voice lost some of its warmth.
She swallowed. “Precisely.”
He rose; the tent was barely tall enough for him to stand straight. “Did your heart turn into stone when you lost Toddy?” he asked, his back to her.
Her not-at-all-stony heart seared in pain. “Please don’t make conjectures on a subject of which you know nothing.”
“You are right, I know nothing of your heart, because you’ve taken great care to ensure that is the case. But you have studied science; you understand that sometimes indirect observation can yield equally powerful evidence.”
“What are you talking about?”
“What I have seen. Irrefutable proof of your unfeelingness.”
All the excess warmth of the night drained away. Her toes were cold on the ground. “If this is something to do with our annulm—”
“It’s not.” He shoved his hand through his hair. “You’ve likely forgotten this already. But a long time ago, you received a letter from a woman named Bettie Young. You had delivered her baby by caesarean section. In that letter, she wrote that one day, when her baby was old enough, she’d tell him that when they needed it the most, God sent an angel in the form of a lady surgeon.”
She was suddenly shaking. “I remember that letter.”
“I’m surprised, because I found it crumpled and thrown away.”
“I don’t keep every thank-you letter I receive.”
“I would have thought if you kept any at all, that would be the one you kept.” He turned around and faced her. “Or are you so bitter from losing Toddy that you cannot bear to see another child not lose his mother?”
She was on her feet. A loud smack reverberated in the tent. Only as she looked down at her smarting hand in shock did she understand that she’d struck him. “Don’t you dare say such a thing about me,” she said, her voice just short of a growl. “Don’t you dare even think it.”
He rubbed
the back of his fingers against his cheek. But his expression was relentless. “Why shouldn’t I think it? Why shouldn’t I draw logical conclusions?”
“Because your conclusion is wrong.”
His lips flattened in scorn. “Then you explain it, since you know your own reasoning so much better. Why was the letter in the wastebasket?”
Bryony was having an excellent day. Leo had come to see her at the hospital to take his leave—he was traveling to Paris the week before their wedding, to give a series of lectures—and her fellow physicians, many of whom were meeting him for the first time, had been dumbstruck by her charming, beautiful fiancé. She’d floated on a sharp, superior pleasure.
And now she could add a successful out-patient caesarean section to the accomplishments of her day. The circumstances were somewhat unusual: A lady’s maid who’d left service to marry, only to return to her mistress’s employ six weeks later, after her husband died in an industrial accident. The housekeeper stressed repeatedly that the maid had been married—that the child was legitimate—as if Bryony had a special set of shoddier operations she kept in reserve for the illicit and the illegitimate.
The baby had cried loudly and lustfully when she had pried it from the womb. The attending nurse had already bathed him and swaddled him and reported that he was doing well. Bryony snipped the ends of the stitches and peeled off her bloody gloves.
She’d brought printed booklets with her on how to care for the surgical wounds that resulted from a caesarean section. While the surgical assistants cleaned and packed the surgical implements, Bryony gave a booklet to the housekeeper, went over the most salient points, and reassured the housekeeper that a nurse from the hospital would also come to check on Mrs. Young and the baby every day for three weeks.
The surgery had taken place on the table in the servants’ hall in the basement of the house. As the housekeeper studied the booklet, a cultured female voice drifted down from narrow windows near the ceiling that opened to the small garden between the house and the mews.
“There you are.”
Then Bryony heard his voice. “I thought you said it was the servants’ half day. I can see people in the servants’ hall.”
No, it couldn’t be Leo. He was on his way to Paris. And he would not show up at some woman’s back door as if he were conducting an affair.
“Really?” said the woman. “The house is quite empty.”
“Perhaps this is not such a good idea after all.”
But the voice sounded so much like Leo’s.
“Oh come, you are here already.”
The door closed. Footsteps crossed toward the front of the house. Then up the stairs.
“Miss?” the housekeeper asked.
Bryony turned toward her blindly. “I beg your pardon?”
“I was just asking if you and your ladies would like some tea?”
“For Miss Simpson and Mrs. Murdock, yes. None for me,” she said. “And do you have a powder room that I can use?”
The housekeeper gave her the directions to the powder room. Bryony took the steps up from the basement, through the green baize door, and found the main stairs that led up from the front hall. She climbed up with a quietness that belied what she repeated madly to herself: It couldn’t be Leo, it couldn’t be Leo, it couldn’t possibly be Leo.
He would never do anything like that.
Would he?
The bedrooms for the master and the mistress of the house were usually two stories up from the ground floor. She walked ever more softly as she set foot on the landing.
“Still like to have your door open, I see,” said the man.
Bryony jumped. The door was almost immediately to her left. And if she were to take two steps closer and look through the opening, she would—
She covered her mouth with her hand. A woman lay on an enormous bed, completely naked.
“And I still undress faster than you,” said the woman. She batted her eyelashes.
“With commendable speed,” said the man.
She would not think of him as Leo. She would not, even though she shivered every time he spoke.
He moved. His face became visible in a mirror on the far side of the room. Her mouth opened, but no scream would emerge. For a moment the world teetered on edge. Then she descended the stairs with the swiftness and silence of a ghost, shaking every step of the way.
She had never forgotten Toddy. She had never forgotten her three years of incandescent happiness. And she had never, contrary to what she’d made herself believe, reconciled herself to her loss. All along she’d been waiting for another fairy godmother to come along—because that was what Toddy had been, her friend, her faithful companion, her fairy godmother who’d dispelled loneliness and breathed magic into her life.
Leo had possessed that magic. Whenever he arrived at a gathering, excitement reverberated to the rafters. When he spoke, his audience listened hungrily, as the children had done with Toddy. And when he smiled, young ladies literally swooned—two separate instances of it at the first ball he’d attended in London.
But most important, he’d included her in that magic. In those better days, when he looked at her, it had always been with great interest and singular attention, as if she mattered, truly, significantly, not just to him, but to the world at large. And the world at large had noticed. Society, which had never known quite what to do with an odd duck like her, had warmed perceptibly toward her because he had seen something in her.
And she had seen him as the long-awaited successor to Toddy, the new guarantor of her happiness, the one who would banish the dogged monotony from her life, restore laughter and splendor, and usher in a new golden era. And she’d loved him for it, with the uncritical fervor of an adolescent and the faith of a child.
Her Leo, so bright, so beautiful.
And in the end, so catastrophically flawed.
It was bizarre, thinking back, to see that she hadn’t been angry. Not that day, and not in the week that followed—her anger had only come when she saw him again, before the altar, on the day of their wedding. Until then she’d known nothing but shame, such shame that she’d gone straight home to bed, to whimper under the cover, such shame that she could not look herself in the mirror, such shame that she was convinced every conversation in every drawing room must be about nothing but her ignorance and her gullibility.
In time anger had superceded shame. And in time misery had superceded anger. But the shame was always there, a dark, sorry thing that infested the subterranean layers of her heart. It kept her close-mouthed about what happened, because she could not face that shame.
Or the pain of reliving his betrayal.
“You are not really interested in a letter from someone you’ve never met,” she said. “You want to know why I no longer wanted to be married to you.”
He stared at her, his gray eyes the color of rain. “Fair enough. Why?”
“Because I realized that you were a callow youth, full of yourself, and full of the sort of frivolities that I despised. It shamed me that I’d chosen so poorly. That of all the men in London who would have made me a suitable spouse, I had to pick a self-centered popinjay.”
He was very still, not even breathing, it seemed.
She exhaled. “And there you have it. Good night.”
Bryony was awake for a full five minutes before she realized that Leo was in the tent with her. She bolted upright. Judging by the light coming in from the gap between the tent flaps, she’d slept well past sunrise.
“There is something you are not telling me,” he said quietly.
He sat cross-legged in the far corner of her tent. Even in the relative dimness inside, she could tell that his eyes were bloodshot. In his hand he held a mug of tea, tea without any steam curling above it.
“How long have you been here?”
“I’m not sure. An hour, maybe.” He took a swallow of the tea. “I came in to tell you it was time to get up, but I decided to let you sleep some more. I
don’t imagine you slept very well last night.”
“I’ll be fine. If you will step out, I’ll get ready and we can start.”
“I’m not stepping out,” he said calmly. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what it is you are hiding from me.”
“What makes you think there’s something I’m hiding from you?”
“Because I wasn’t that callow a youth, I wasn’t that full of myself, and I wasn’t that frivolous. And self-centered or not, I most certainly was not a popinjay.”
“You certainly think well of yourself.”
“Other than your virulent dislike of me, I have no reason to think that I grate on people particularly. And you were the one who proposed. How did I go from a man you wanted to spend a lifetime with to a man you couldn’t stand?”
“Sometimes much can be discovered in the space of a few weeks.”
“A few weeks? You refer to the length of our engagement?”
She rubbed her temple. She’d said too much already.
“You were still working,” he said. “We saw each other alone only on Sundays, with one dinner with your family during the week, and perhaps one visit with Will to check on the wedding preparations. And I was gone the whole week before the wedding. Even if my character were truly rotten, there was no time for you to discover it.”
He frowned. “Was someone feeding you rumors?” “Do I look like the sort of person people come to with rumors?”
He looked at her steadily. “Then what was it?” She got off the bed. “Leave me alone.” “I already told you I won’t. We can stay here til the end of time, if you like.” “I need to use the facilities.” “Tell me and you may use the facilities as much as you like.” He was adamant. “Even our criminals are formally accused and informed of their crimes. You tried, convicted, and sentenced me without ever giving me a chance to defend myself. I deserve better than that from you. I deserve at least the truth. Or am I truly to think of you as heartless and capricious?”
Not Quite a Husband Page 9