by Nhys Glover
“He’ll come back down in the morning. He knows what we face,” Prior said.
“He’ll be careless during the battle. Unless this is resolved, he’ll care little for his own safety. And we cannot afford to lose him,” Landor said softly, the pain in his voice almost more than I could stand. It wasn’t just me who had lost something precious. Landor had too.
I returned to my place beside the fire. I needed to sleep. Hopefully, without nightmares this time. Tomorrow... or today... would be a big day, and I’d had very little sleep in the last nights. I needed to get as much as I could now.
Reluctantly, the others settled down around me again. I briefly wondered if Zem was sleeping soundly. It hurt a little that I really didn’t care. Laric was right. You didn’t hurt someone you loved like Zem had hurt me. No excuse was good enough for that. I’d believed I was safe with Zem. That he’d never hurt me. And though he hadn’t physically hurt me, he had done something worse. I still reeled a little from the impact of his callous words.
And he was wrong. It had been love-making. He’d been able to make me doubt that experience because of what had happened with Airshin all those years ago. After what that bastard had done to me I’d never been able to see sex as anything but a degrading act. Until the Goddess had forced my hand. Then it had been a revelation discovering the pleasure and affection to be found in the sexual act.
But maybe I’d pushed my boundaries too fast. Maybe Zem was right that I jumped in too quickly.
Sharing love with all of them as we’d done had pushed me out onto a very narrow and unsteady branch. It had only taken a few words from Zem to make that branch shake and give way beneath me. It had taken so little to turn that powerful bonding experience back into something dirty and disgusting, because I hadn’t truly stepped away from that belief. Because I hadn’t chosen to be with Zem or any of them. Because I’d let the Goddess make that choice for me. And so that belief had simply remained avoided and unchallenged until Zem’s own insecurities brought it back up again.
Yet that belief was false. I knew that now. Sex... or love-making... was not dirty or disgusting. And I wasn’t a whore for having enjoyed it. Last night in the ocean we couldn’t have forged our bond without love and respect. No matter how Zem chose to view it, it had been love-making. And it had been beautiful. The proof had been the incredible abilities we had begun to display shortly after. Therefore Zem was wrong, the old me was wrong. And though I hated the way the Goddess had brought it about, She had been right.
As She ultimately always was.
Though I wouldn’t have expected it, I found I drifted back to sleep without trouble. The tears and emotional turmoil had taken their toll, I supposed. Whatever the cause, I awoke to the darkness just before dawn, refreshed and ready to deal with Zem.
Mentally, I called up Spot and he landed on the sand twenty strides down from where my men slept on. I mounted and turned toward the volcano, gritting my teeth and praying I could do what needed to be done to resolve this breach. Landor was right. If Zem was feeling bad about what he’d done he might not be as careful as he normally would be. And we couldn’t afford to lose him. The Five needed him, even if I wasn’t sure I did anymore.
Dawn’s first light was colouring the sky a pale lavender when I reached the cave where Sky had spent eons of his existence. I knew Zem was still here because Storm was perched on a crag nearby. She radiated concern for her human and relief that I had arrived to fix his problem. I laughed at the absurdity of that hope. As if I could fix Zem’s problem.
We landed without issue, and I walked down the tunnel in complete darkness, knowing what lay at the other end. When I entered the eerie cavern, with its glowing stones and roof of star-like insects, I felt the chill in the air. Shivering, I glanced around for any sign of my missing husband.
I found him in the spot where Sky had lain for eons. Why he’d chosen that place of all the equally hard rock surfaces of the cavern to lie upon I didn’t know, nor cared.
“Zem,” I said as I approached.
“What are you doing here?” he answered immediately, no hint of grogginess in his voice. So he had not slept. That was an answer to a question I hadn’t really cared to consider.
“We have to resolve this before the Devourer priests arrive. There’s no time for our own issues. They can’t be allowed to get in the way.” My voice sounded stark and stilted.
“That’s very mature of you. Having a harem has been a growing experience for you, hasn’t it? The lass I knew a moon ago would have sulked for a quarter moon after what happened yesterday, no matter that the world depended on her.”
“Aye. I have grown up. Fast. And I know you are having problems with it. I’m sorry for that. But you need to remember what Rama said to you a hundred suns ago. Or what feels like a hundred suns ago. He warned you that this might happen.”
He sighed, and I heard him shift, though I could barely see his outline in the shadowed spot he’d chosen to lie. “Don’t you think I know that? The crazy thing is that what I thought would be the problem didn’t turn out to be the problem. I... I’d really accepted our situation and my new place in your life. Or I thought I had.”
I leaned my back against one of the glowing stones, not wanting to sit down. That would give away my height advantage, and I needed any advantage I could get.
“But you couldn’t have, could you? Calling me a whore and reducing what we did to nothing but sex... That showed you haven’t. You accepted me having sex with the others, but only if I loved just you. After I muddled my way through my own insecurities, that’s what I was left with.”
He sighed heavily again. “Maybe that’s partly true. I’ve spent all night trying to sort through what happened, why it happened. What it came down to was only one thing. No matter the reason, no matter the justification, I did the unthinkable. I hurt you. And nothing else seems to matter. Not even The Jayger. I should be mature like you’re being. I should put the world ahead of my petty concerns. But you aren’t a petty, personal concern. You’re everything to me. I don’t care about the rest of the world, only you.”
Zem paused for an infinite moment, and the silence of the glowing cavern was complete. I held my breath, not wanting the sound to interfere with the deafening and pregnant quiet.
When he spoke again his voice sounded rusty and clogged with tears. “Rama told me that if I had to spend my life proving to myself I was good enough for you, then that’s what I needed to do. Well, yesterday I proved I’ll never be good enough for you. I think the Goddess only gave me this brand because we were already close. It would have been odd if I wasn’t one of your harem. But I never had what was needed. I couldn’t save my family and now it looks like I can’t save the world, or you. Landor called me a waste of space. Amongst other things. And he was right.
“I know you can never forgive me, because I’ll never be able to forgive myself. But I want you to know that I’m so very sorry. If tearing out my tongue could have stopped me saying what I did, I’d gladly have done it.” He paused for a small moment to draw in breath.
I took the opportunity to fill my own starved lungs as well. I felt raw, my hurt feelings chaffed by his apology because this had never been about being sorry. I knew that he could regret hurting me until the stars fell from the skies but, while ever he held those beliefs about us, himself—or whatever it was that tied him in knots over being part of The Five—he’d do it again. And hate himself even more when he did so. Or me. Eventually, he’d start really hating me.
Zem went on. “I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, Flea. I’ll never respect anyone as much as I respect you. I was wrong in everything I said. You were magnificent in the water the other night. Magnificent! You were the Goddess Incarnate. And every man there idolised you. It wasn’t love-making for us men; it was worship. That I demeaned the experience for you, that I took away your due... for that I am so very, very sorry.”
My heart softened a little. Just enough. This was what I rea
lly needed to hear. I sat down at his side. Not touching him. I wasn’t ready to touch him. But it was a start.
“I dreamed you held me down while the Devourer high priest dissolved me. I dreamed you were Airshin... I never want nightmares like that again. I never again want to feel the kind of pain you inflicted on me yesterday. You’re right, I don’t forgive you. Not yet. But I likely will. Because, if there were scales for what is good and bad in our relationship, most of it would be good. And so this goes on the bad side, and it is bad. I am not going to try to soothe your guilt by denying it. But I am not guiltless. I shouldn’t have followed you yesterday. I should have let you be as Landor said. And I let your words affect me worse than they should. And that’s because a part of me believed them to be true, no matter what proof there was to the contrary.
“So all I can tell you is this. If I mean anything to you, then work to rebuild our bond. Not just yours and mine, but the one between you and the others. Because, right now, they hate you. And if we can’t get back to where we were, I’m afraid—I’m really afraid—we’ll fail. And we can’t afford to fail. If my life means anything to you, then make this right with all of us.”
Zem nodded. “You’re right, of course. And I’ll do what I can to fix what I’ve broken.”
I pressed myself against his shoulder for a moment and then stood. “Come on. The Devourers will be here soon. And we have to see if our powers are still... there. If they are, it’s important that you allow the others’ magic in. My lightning too. We all need every power we can garner.”
“Aye. I will do what I can,” he said.
That he didn’t use the word try, appeased me a little. Because Zem could do a lot when he set his mind to it. More than anyone.
By the time we reached the beach again, the sun had appeared from behind the volcano and plans were well under way for the arrival of the Devourers. A lookout had been placed on one of the smaller peaks not far from the sea. They’d been given signalling lamps in case the ship arrived overnight, and mirrors to reflect the sun for daylight hours. We expected them to sail into sight some time mid-morning, though.
It was a solemn affair, the breaking of our fast. Sky and Shardra seemed most distressed by the tension between The Five. I had no desire to explain it to them, and neither did the others. So we ate, and then we wandered up the beach a little way to see what we could still manage to achieve.
Instead of sitting with our backs together, we took our original positions sitting in a circle facing each other.
“Zem has apologised for what he said yesterday, and that needs to be the end of it. He will be working to make it up to us, and we have to let him. There can be no place for hard feelings between any of us. What we face is too important to let anything get in the way,” I told them, meeting each eye in turn, even Zem’s.
“An apology to you isn’t enough,” Laric snarled.
“I know it isn’t enough,” Zem fired back. “Do you think I’d ever assume it was? I can think of nothing that would be enough. So I’m left with an apology. And a promise to do everything in my power to make this right. For all of you.”
He met each gaze, and spent a little longer on Landor. I could see Zem’s heart was breaking at the stiff way his friend treated him. But he deserved it. The man I had dived off an airling for had intentionally hurt me, and it would be a long time before I would be all right about that. These men had only just started to build their relationship with Zem, and by hurting me, Zem had damaged that new bond more than he’d damaged his bond with me. As I’d said, I had a lot of good on my scales for Zem; he didn’t have that kind of balance with the others. In fact, he’d been jealous and competitive with all but Landor since we started out together. It would take a lot for their bad feelings to be put aside.
Our first task was to see if we could still read others from a distance. While they focused on me, I thought about Shardra, wondering how her night with Sky had gone. Better than my night, I knew.
Immediately I was in her mind, feeling the loving warmth she felt for her halfling. If it was possible, it seemed their bond had grown even stronger with time. I envied her that.
Drawing away from her, I focused on the crewman on the mountainside keeping watch. He was bored and not paying close attention. Annoyed with him, I yelled in his ear to do his job. He nearly swallowed his tongue as he sat up and looked around him in astonishment. When he couldn’t see anyone, he decided it was a message from the Goddess and turned the eyeglass in the direction the Devourers would be coming.
The horizon was empty, thank goodness.
I pulled back and opened my eyes.
“So your power is still there,” Laric said. “That’s a relief.”
“Our power. It’s not mine,” I said, casting a glance Zem’s way. He also seemed relieved, though his mind was closed to me so I couldn’t be sure.
“And you can speak to other people beside Calun,” Landor observed. “That might be good for influencing the Devourers.”
I nodded. “I think we can assume that there has been no intrinsic damage done to our bond. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep trying to strengthen it again though. But clearly whatever we did that first night together outweighs what happened yesterday.”
That’s when the cry went up. I couldn’t believe it. I had barely left the crewman’s mind and already he was seeing something on the horizon. I wanted to check, and so we took precious moments to verify the crewman was actually seeing something and not just being hyper-vigilant because the Goddess was watching him.
Sure enough, I saw through the glass what he had seen. A very small mark on the horizon. It was hard for me to imagine that was a mast, but it was definitely something.
I drew back and jumped to my feet, calling up the airlings as I did so.
“We can do this, right?” I asked my men unsteadily.
“We can do this, spitfire!” Laric answered for them all.
It was enough.
Chapter Ten
When Zem took off for the tree-line in the next moment, I was confused. Was he running away? That wasn’t Zem. I sent out a question and got told he needed to be alone to try something. Moments later, I saw a tree explode, the billowing smoke wafting into the still air.
“He has fire, it seems,” Landor announced with a slight smile. Since Zem’s apology a lot of the tension had left my pale husband, and I was glad for it. Landor had known too few people in his life, and he didn’t need to have two of those he’d come to love turn on each other.
I called up the airlings, and they landed on the beach not far from the campsite. By the time Zem returned to us, we were already mounted and confirming last minute plans: We would fly in using the arrow formation Zem and I had learned during the war. Sky would hide in the middle of the formation until the very last moment, when he’d drop his load. We would do our best to keep the Devourers attention away from Sky.
Shardra and Redin stood anxiously to one side watching us prepare. I didn’t need to be a mind-reader to know they were anxious and afraid for us. If Redin turned away when Sky kissed Shardra goodbye it was only to be expected. I felt sad for the man who had so clearly given his heart to someone he could not have. Though, if Sky was right and his essence was already depleted, he might not survive the opening and closing of the portal. Redin would then need to step up and be the man Shardra needed to get her through the halfling’s loss.
“Can you carry that rock so far out?” I asked Sky worriedly. He’d seemed to have no problem yesterday hefting the thing, but carrying something that heavy over a long distance might be another matter all together. Why hadn’t I thought to check before this?
Sky smiled. “I could carry a rock twice as heavy. It is the unwieldy shape that keeps me limited to this size. Flying a few leagues with it will be nothing, I assure you.”
I had to believe him. There was no time for refining our plan. The ship was now clearly visible on the horizon and there was no more time to waste.
As we flew low over the water to mask our approach, I considered our plan yet again. It seemed too simple. Nothing that simple could succeed. The Five’s task was to blow up the row boats, take down the masts and set the sails alight. It was meant as a distraction so Sky could lob his mighty stone into the quarter deck, where it could fall through to the hull and tear a hole in the wood so large the ship would be scuttled.
It was also important that Sky got in and out as fast as possible, as he would become the Devourers’ target if they realised what he was. It was one thing to have a Seer tell them what their target needed to be, it was another to recognise that target when they saw it.
What if the sickly young seer had been called on for more information and forewarned of our new plan? From the look of her, I doubted she could have done more without a substantial rest, and the leader of the Devourers had seemed confident he had all the forewarning he needed. After all, how would we know they weren’t going to come in to shore as planned? We had a seer, aye, but they didn’t know she operated independently of their hag. Or did they?
I scanned my memory for information on Shardra. Then I let it go. It didn’t matter. Our course was set. No matter what awaited us at the ship, we would follow our plan.
While I focused on calming my mind, I felt Spot’s anxiety. Airlings were not meant to fight. It went against their peace-loving natures. And yet, because these five had claimed us as their own, our battles had become theirs.
No, this was not just a human war like the last one. If the Devourer had its way the airlings would all die too. Therefore, like me, the airlings would do what the Goddess required of them.