He grinned. When she bantered with him, he could almost forget the fight they were in. The fact that he’d just run from the house. That he’d just said he was going to run from her.
But how else was this going to end? Did he really think he was worth something? Did he really think he could just stay here and play happily ever after while people pretended to need him?
The camp didn’t need him; it had all kinds of investors. The bar didn’t need him; they had Harvey.
And Ros? Ros had always been perfectly beautiful and capable of having everything she wanted.
If she insisted on Rock staying, she’d probably just end up with an angry nightmare like his dad had become.
That was what happened when someone stayed somewhere they didn’t want to. No matter what the motivation.
“What are you thinking?” she asked, looking panicked. “Stop it. You’re scaring me.”
He went upstairs for a robe and returned when dressed to find her still sitting in the same frozen position. “Why would I be scaring you?”
“Because you have this blank, hopeless look. If you’re going to leave, if you really can’t stay, then don’t look like that. Like you’re dying inside.”
“But I am,” Rock said. “That’s what you don’t understand. I’ve been dying inside all the time. Ever since I’ve been back in Bear Canyon.”
“So even with me, no matter what we’re doing, you don’t feel alive?”
He sat on a chair and thought about it, crossing his legs, touching the scar on his face.
He couldn’t lie. There were moments here that were truly wonderful, just as there had been as a child.
He looked over at Ros. So precious. So beautiful. He’d wanted to claim her so much only hours ago. Would give anything to be the kind of person that could be with her.
Everything was confusing. He’d gone from feeling heaven to hell in a manner of minutes and didn’t know if that was what life would be like here.
But his main fear, his only real fear at this moment, was wondering what would become of him if he stayed here. No, what would become of her.
What happened when a toxic person made a family and left a whole legacy?
Rock could see it in what had happened with Connor. He’d beat the shit out of the man and his friends. Hadn’t hesitated once, could have killed them.
He’d do it again. When someone hit him, he lost control.
He wasn’t a good person like Ros deserved. He was jealous and petty and thrill-seeking. An empty person who had tried to be everything she wanted.
But deep inside, he was just a loser playing at being like everyone else. He didn’t belong here with Joe or Harvey or Ros.
He’d left this town for a reason. He couldn’t hack it here.
Part of him knew he was just looking for any excuse to escape. Because life outside Bear Canyon was comfortable, if empty.
Being here was like trying to squeeze into the uncomfortable clothes Nancy had sold him.
He could do it, but he’d never fit.
She felt like his mate, but maybe he’d just mistaken childhood infatuation for love.
No, looking at her, the heart-shaped curve of her face, he knew that was wrong.
He loved her. In fact, he loved her so much that he had to leave her. Because while she could keep him sane here, always there to stop the nightmares, she would still be much safer with him out there jumping buses.
They loved each other. That would never be in question. But a mate was more than that. Someone who stood toe to toe with you as an equal. Someone who was there every morning with breakfast, not running in the woods in a blind panic.
He wanted her, but she deserved more.
And somehow, for the first time since being back in this town, that meant more than his own happiness.
He’d always been selfish. Pursuing her, proposing to her, chasing her, wanting her.
For the first time in his life, he was truly thinking of her. Not in a shallow, ‘what does she need help with while I’m in town,’ or in a ‘what would she like me to do for her,’ but in a deep-down, ‘I would do anything for this woman’ that shook him to his center.
He sighed. “This isn’t going to work.”
Her eyes snapped to his. “How will you ever know that if you leave?”
“I’m tired of being coddled,” he said. “I see the way you look at me. You and Joe. Even Harvey. You pity me. You think I’m useless.”
“No, we don’t,” she said. “Stop putting words in our mouths.”
He nodded. “Maybe. Maybe I am. But that’s how I feel in this town. The useless teenage boy who keeps getting the piss beat out of him. But out there, I’m powerful.” The words were empty in his mouth, feeling like he was chewing on dry ash. But he had to make this convincing.
If he came off as a victim, she’d simply pity him and convince him to stay.
He had to be the douchebag on purpose for once. Shouldn’t be hard with how much practice he’d had doing it on accident.
“So you’ll leave because you feel better out there. Because it’s easier.”
It was all kind of foggy, but he was pretty sure he was doing the right thing, so he nodded.
“I knew it,” she said, standing and storming upstairs. He heard bumping and walked up to his room to see her throwing her clothes on. “Whatever, Rock. I knew you were going to leave in the end anyway. No matter what you promised.”
She was taking it oddly well, he thought, given the stoic way she packed up.
But as she passed him, he caught tears glittering in her eyes. He caught her by the shoulders, not letting her go when she shook him.
“Wait,” he said. “Don’t be sad over me, Ros.”
“Now you say that?” she scoffed, glaring up at him in disbelief. “You’ve gotta be kidding me. You came inside me, Rock. In more ways than just physical. You made me hope for things I’d been wanting since I was practically a child.” She swiped at her tears. “Things I was stupid for wanting.” She shook out of his grasp and started down the stairs. “You always come back. You act like you want me. But why should this be any different? You always leave. I’m disgusted that I listened to your promises.”
He followed her downstairs. He would at least make sure she got home safely.
She turned to pin him with one last glare. “But how could you do this after a day like today? A day when everything was going so well? You made so many promises.”
He scratched the back of his neck, feeling oddly hollow. From the moment he’d decided to leave again, it felt as if his heart had been left on the floor somewhere, bleeding out.
But he didn’t know what to do about it.
No matter how sexy things were between them or how good she made him feel or how much he loved her, he just wasn’t fit to be anyone’s mate.
He would never be healthy enough.
“You’re not changing your mind, are you?” she asked, eyes widening.
He shook his head.
“I should have known,” she said. “I can’t even believe it, but I should have known.”
She wasn’t taking it as hard as he thought she would, maybe because deep down, she had always known he was incapable of the brave things he’d claimed to be capable of.
What she didn’t know was even though he was leaving, he wasn’t leaving for the reasons he would have in years past.
In the past, he had run away for himself.
This time he was running for her.
At least he told himself as much as he followed her outside to walk her home.
True to his word, Rock was gone the next morning.
Ros woke with an emptiness that felt unlike anything else in the world and spent the morning in bed.
He’d left before, but he’d never taken so much of her with him.
It had all happened so fast, as if she were in shock. She could remember her angry, defensive words, telling him she’d always known he’d leave, guarding the hurt in her heart.
What if she had prostrated herself before him and begged? Would it have changed anything?
They had tried to make a go of it. For a few brief days, anything had been possible. One little eye in the storm of their lives.
And then he was gone, as if he’d never been there. As if he’d never even taken her in his arms.
It didn’t hurt the way she thought it would. She didn’t feel like her world was collapsing or that she couldn’t go on.
She just felt foolish and empty and robbed. Like someone had vaguely done wrong to her, but she couldn’t fully blame them because she’d done wrong as well.
She’d always been so stubborn about staying here. So sure it was the right thing to do. After all, she’d grown up here and her dad was here, and she loved it here.
Perhaps she had been too selfish. But what life was there out there in the world with his stunt work?
She’d just have to stand on the sidelines, watching him work with beautiful women and risk his life to escape his demons.
What life was that for her?
Then again, what life was it for him here? What adventures could take the place of everything he had out there?
She’d seen the nightmares in his eyes the night she’d woken up to hear scrambling in the woods and transformed to go after him.
She’d known the minute she saw him there was nothing she could do to help.
It was the glazed, panicked look he’d had as a child.
It made her wonder if one could ever undo the wounds of childhood or if no amount of love could ever wipe out the hatred.
She cursed John Brolin and everything he had stood for and walked downstairs for breakfast to see her dad seated at the table.
He was watching the TV, where they were doing an interview on a news show, a familiar face showing in the top right corner of the screen.
“So Rock went back home?” Mort asked quietly, watching the TV. “Looks like he’s due for some kind of exhibition.”
She sighed. He’d probably called his agent on the way to the airport, ready to get back to work the second he landed.
“Looks dangerous,” Mort said, looking at the screen and a huge ramp and ring of fire. “Thought he was mostly into movie stuff.”
“He’s up for anything dangerous,” Ros said. “And his people know he brings in the crowds. He could stand on his head and fart and people would watch.”
Mort snorted. “Right. Well, it won’t be long before he’s back.”
“What do you mean?” Ros asked.
“I know a mate mark when I see one,” he said, eyeing her neck, which was exposed in her flannel pajamas.
She reached up and touched the hickey. “That’s just a hickey.”
“It’s a warning,” Mort said. “He’s a good man; he just doesn’t know it yet.”
“I’m tired of waiting for him to realize it.”
“Love is patient. Love is kind,” Mort said quietly.
“Right,” she said, sitting at the counter. Had she been patient and kind, or had she just made demands?
“He’ll be back,” Mort said, nodding. “Sometimes life isn’t a direct trajectory forward. Sometimes we lurch forward and stumble back. That boy loves you with every bit of his confused soul. I’ve seen it.”
She sighed. “But I refuse to hold him here.”
“Then why not go to him?” Mort asked.
“He left me,” she said. “He didn’t tell me to come with him.”
“Because he knew you wouldn’t come.”
“Because he wanted to do that.” She gestured to the TV and the dangerous ramp. He was probably home resting after the flight, because he wasn’t there for the interview. But he’d be on TV soon enough.
“I never said you had to stay here,” Mort said. “Anyone can run the bar if you want to go to him.”
“No,” Ros said. “It’s not enough. He’s not out there because he’s afraid of Bear Canyon. He’s out there because he’s afraid of himself. Because that all means more than me. Or because I bring back his nightmares.” She shook her head. “I’m not going to love someone who just runs off on me.”
“He’ll be back,” Mort said, looking sure of himself.
She rolled her eyes, closing her heart to the idea. As far as she was concerned, Rock could stuff it. He’d gone where he thought he could be happy, and she wasn’t going to stand in the way anymore.
At least now she could forget all the fake proposals, all the childhood memories. Even if it was impossible to forget the moments in his arms.
Just a day ago, he’d been holding her and everything had seemed perfect.
How delusional could she be?
“It’s not over,” Mort assured her.
She shrugged, looking at the TV. “Unless he kills himself on that thing.”
“Good point,” her dad muttered. “Can’t have that.”
Trying to ignore that cryptic comment, she left the room.
14
A few days later, Rock was putting on his helmet and listening to the roar of the crowd, wondering why it felt so different than ever before.
For once, he had done something unselfish. Yet he’d never felt emptier or more cold.
And when his agent had come to him with this stunt for the third time, he’d actually agreed to it.
He knew it was more than slightly self-destructive. After the wonderful things he’d felt with Ros, he knew he’d never forget how good life could have been if he’d been a different kind of person.
If his dad hadn’t fucked him up.
His agent had loved his hair and been right about everyone else loving it, too, but it didn’t mean anything to Rock Brolin.
All he could think about was Ros’s soft hands and the way they’d moved over him, feeling the newly shorn tips and soothing him with her acceptance.
He revved the bike and heard the roar increase, keeping his booted feet planted on either side of him, keeping him firmly at the top of the ramp.
The announcer was still playing videos of his other stunts on the screen, getting the crowd excited, as a small sweat began to break out over Rock’s forehead.
He didn’t know what was happening. He’d never been nervous before.
Yet, as he tried to focus, her face kept showing up in front of his eyes.
For the first time in his life, he found himself longing to be back in Bear Canyon.
Had he been stupid for just running after that one nightmare?
It didn’t take a genius to know he had been. But what could he do now?
His heart was racing as if he were facing the biggest jump of his life but more intense.
He was here because he’d fucked up.
No, he was here because it was good for her.
But was she hurt right now? Was she sad? Would she cry if he got hurt doing this?
If he went back to her, would she take him in her arms or scream at his face?
He’d questioned a few times since he’d been back if he’d been right in leaving. He’d always pushed away the answer. What was the point now?
But as he kept one hand on his brake and blocked out the crowd and the announcer and the wind and the ramp, all he could see was her face.
All he would ever be able to see was her face, wherever he was.
All he could picture was pushing her up against that tree, marking her. Holding her hand as a teen. Proposing to her when drunk. Making promises he couldn’t keep about never leaving.
Breaking her heart by breaking those promises.
But perhaps life wasn’t about being perfect and never breaking one’s word.
Perhaps, if he could just keep coming back, if he just fought a little harder each time, he could slowly win what he was fighting for.
So he’d run from one nightmare. That already made him different than his dad. He hadn’t hurt anyone, physically at least. And now he knew running hadn’t helped anything.
He knew, as surely as he knew the direction of the wind or
how fast he would have to go down this ramp to make the jump through the ring, she was hurting.
That he should be with her.
But he had no idea how to go back. How to explain to her he was still going to fuck up and panic sometimes, but he could no longer pretend this was anything but forever.
No matter how many times he ran, he was still face to face with her. No matter how many nightmares, he could still wake up to see her.
He heard the announcer begin to count him down and felt his stomach sink into a hard, compressed blob of iron.
What if something happened? He’d never get to talk to her. Never get to apologize. Never get to try again to be what she wanted.
Or was he just being selfish? Should he just do this jump and get out of her life and let her be with someone else?
It was so damn confusing, and he’d never had anyone who could help him with it.
Joe had tried, when Rock had gotten in touch to donate and keep helping with the ranch remotely. But Rock hadn’t wanted to listen to the other man. Someone he thought would be a better match for his mate.
No. His mate. His.
He stepped off the bike, revved the engine, and then let go of the handles. He watched it slide down the ramp, landing in a heap at the bottom.
It could have been him, he thought with a shudder.
But he had more dangerous things to engage with right now. Like being in love and saying sorry and fighting to be the person who would be best for his mate, rather than running so someone else could be.
He heard his phone beep as he headed for the ladder leading down from the ramp and ignored it. Probably his angry agent.
Rock slid down the ladder, putting his feet on either side of it. He jumped to the ground and ran past his agent, who tried to stop him, yelling with a red face.
Rock simply laughed as he exited the stadium and headed for his private car and jumped in the backseat.
When he was in and the driver had instructions to get out of there, he pulled out his phone to gloat over the texts.
For once in his life, he’d run from the right people.
Now he just had to figure out how to run back to the one person who mattered.
Mort: Get your ass back here, the text read. Ros is in danger.
Craved by the Bear (Trapped in Bear Canyon Book 2) Page 13