by T L Swan
I love you.
xxx
I click out of my messages and turn my phone off. I am not getting into a fight with her tonight while she tries to talk me out of it. My wedding tomorrow is the only thing I am sure of in this whole messed up situation. I sit on the bed and my eyes turn to the letter I found today. It’s like my very own private wedding present from my Alastar. I slowly turn it over and slide my finger under the heavy deep red wax seal. I take out the heavy paper and I smile as I see the handwriting. It’s the same as Alchron’s and Alastar’s. It is from him. My love has written this letter for me
* * *
My darling Emmaline.
My apologies that it has taken me so long to write you. I haven’t had the strength up until now.
It has been three months since I held you in my arms, three months since I felt the warmth of your love.
Three long months since fate stole you from me again.
I have done this before. I know how hard this grief is, and yet every life it feels that bit harder and my loss with your death, so much greater. I am a shell without you.
It is unbearable, my love, to lose you again and again.
I have made a decision and I hope and prey that it breaks the curse and lets you live a full life.
I need to explain to you why I have decided on the decision I have, and it has not come to me easily and will pain me greatly to execute. I couldn’t explain this to you when were living as I would never want you to live as I do.
Petrified that every day may be your last.
As fate would have it, my love, we have been gifted the ability to remember each other in our lives, throughout all of our lives. Our ring somehow controls my ability to find you, but unfortunately it doesn’t have any power to save you. For some ungodly reason, once we find each other, your days become numbered.
I am sick with worry throughout my life knowing that I will eventually bear your loss. There are twenty-three lives that we have lived together, yet I only remember fifteen. I do not know what happened in those missing eight lives, but I do know I will trace them and recover any remaining memories of our time together, and hopefully recover some kind of clue as how to fix this curse.
The two lives that you do remember, The Princess with Alchron and Henry with Elizabeth, are the only two lives that I didn’t know about the curse of losing you before at the time of living them. These were the only two lives where I passed first.
I need to break this curse for you.
I want you to see our daughter Ester grow up.
She lives every life without her mother and it breaks my heart. A child should never bear this loss once, let alone in every life.
It is hard for me to write this, and I have no idea how I am going to go through with it. I can’t even imagine a cold life without your love surrounding me.
In our next life, my darling, I am going to resist you. I am going to take our ring and hide it and push you away. I will stay away from you at all costs and trust me, I will die a little every day knowing that you love me and yet I am not in your arms.
I am doing this, not because I don’t love you, please know that.
Just the opposite, my darling. I love you more than life itself and truly wish that it was me who passed in your place.
You need to know that I love you desperately and how deeply I care for you.
Please forgive me for putting you through pain, because even though you do not remember our past lives, I know you will remember the way we feel about each other.
I need to try and save your life and not because of them, the people in the past.
But for you.
For me.
For our daughter.
Our love is too perfect to die with our bodies and we have proven that time and time again.
Ester is playing with her blocks on the floor as I write this. She misses you. I miss you. You always leave me this tiny, perfect, curly haired piece of yourself, as if knowing I need a purpose to live. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t think I could go on without you.
I don’t want to finish this letter. I don’t want to say goodbye and I am sure you would be laughing at how long it has taken me to write through my tears.
I promise you, my love, with every single ounce of my being.
We will be together again.
Like your memory, our love is eternal and so very precious.
Until we meet again.
I love you.
Alastar
xxx
* * *
With shaking hands, I hold the letter as the tears pool in my eyes. I put my hands over my mouth in shock. Oh my God.
He was trying to save me.
He kept saying he was trying to protect me. I close my eyes as the final piece of the puzzle clicks in. Brielle was right. He wasn’t telling me the whole story.
He is still protecting me by not telling me about this curse. He doesn’t want me to be scared of dying even though he is petrified. I sit back on the bed as a clear as day memory comes to the forefront of my mind, and I frown, the pain too much to bear.
* * *
I lie somewhere between life and death in my hospital bed. Alastar and Ester are in the room with me. I have fought this illness with everything that I had, but it wasn’t enough.
I can’t win this battle.
The room is silent and Alastar gently pushes my hair back from my forehead and smiles softly.
I need to say this.
“You are a brave man, Alastar O’Shea, for loving me.”
He smiles.
“You knew, didn’t you?” I whisper.
“Shh, love.” He bends and gently kisses my forehead.
“I tried, I’m sorry. I tried my hardest to beat this. To stay with you,” I whisper.
His face screws up in pain and his eyes fill with tears. “To spend one day in your arms was worth it,” he whispers.
The tears fill my eyes and I frown knowing it’s time.
“Alastar, get Ester.” I hold my hand for him to bring her up to the bed.
He screws up his face and bends to pick up his daughter who is playing on the floor. Our little girl with the blonde ringlets and the large blue eyes. He sits her on the bed next to me and she leans over and squeals in delight as she grips my face.
“I love you, baby,” I whisper.
She gargles and laughs in joy, and I smile at the happiness she holds within her. She’s a true gift in life.
My eyes rise to my beautiful, broken Alastar. Tears stream down his face. He is inconsolable. “Take care of Daddy,” I whisper to Ester. “I love you, baby. Mummy loves you very much. I have written letters for you and Daddy will give them to you on your birthday each year.” She continues her happy playing on the bed with her blocks.
I hold my hand out for Alastar and he brings his head down to mine, our foreheads touch. “I love you,” he whispers through his tears.
I close my eyes in pain. “I love you, too.” I run my fingers through his stubble one last time.
He sobs loudly.
“Find me, Alastar,” I whisper.
“I will. You know I will.” He smiles into the side of my face. “We get to do this again, baby. Our love will never be over,” he whispers.
I strain a smile. “Yes,” I murmur as I feel myself losing consciousness. “Find me, Alastar,” I breathe.
And to the sound of his soft sobs in the silence, I turn and walk toward the light.
* * *
A gunshot rings out and I jump with a start.
Holy fuck.
I pant as I try to control my erratic heartbeat.
Did that just happen? How did I just remember that?
He knew,
All along he knew.
I put both of my hands over my mouth so I don’t cry out loud.
Alastar loses me in every life.
I die young.
In every life.
He didn’t push me away to give me a choice, he pus
hed me away to try and save my life.
Oh God.
My heart hurts.
This man, this beautiful man who I love with all of my heart, finds me and loves me… even though he knows what pain he is going to put himself through by doing so. My mind goes back to his painting that he won the award for.
Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow. By Aesop.
Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow…
Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow…
That sentence has just taken on a whole new meaning. The shadow is my death. He had been focusing on my death and he had lost sight of the substance. Me.
Oh, my poor Alastar. My poor darling man. He hasn’t told me because he hasn’t wanted me to live in this shadow. The fear of dying.
He is still protecting me.
I get up on shaky legs and walk to the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I turn on the light and stare at my reflection in the mirror.
The gunshot rings through my head and I see Henry fall to the ground… Elizabeth’s father killed him when he was trying to rescue her from the cellar.
How can that be?
I put my head into my hands as my face screws up in pain. I weep for Alchron and for Henry and I now know why I only remember those two lives.
Alastar died before me in those two lives.
He sacrificed his life twice for me and I remember—I remember how painful it was.
Sadness falls over me.
This is why he worries about me.
This is why he has to control all things in his environment because he has no control over the shadow of fate. His anxiety is borne from a fear of the future. He’s scared of watching me die and not being abled to stop it.
I walk into the dark bathroom and turn on the shower. I hop under the hot water in shock and allow myself to weep.
* * *
I sit on the bench seat in the early morning fog. The sun is just coming up over the trees and I face the water as I watch the ducks and birds. The large trees hang over the grassed clearing, creating a canopy. Ashford Castle is a magical place and I have no doubt that I have sat in this exact position whilst thinking before. I feel like every thought is an awakening, every memory a trigger to another. Knowledge is simmering under the surface. I only have to scratch to reveal it.
I’ve been here before. I can feel it so deep within my soul.
I haven’t slept but I’m not tired. I’m focused on the job at hand. I just have to get through today.
I feel him before I see him and I look toward the hovering fog beneath the trees as he comes into sight. I smile softly as my heart flutters because he is just so…
Stop it.
His eyes search mine and I know that he knows.
“Hello.”
His deep husky accent makes me smile. “Hello, Twinkle.”
He stands next to the seat as if sensing my inner turmoil. I pat the chair next to me and he sits in silence, picking up my hand to take it in his.
I swallow the roughness in my throat because I honestly don’t know if I can make the words leave my lips. I can already feel the tears forming but I have to stop. I have to get through this.
I turn to him and kiss his hand that is in mine. “What a brave beautiful man you are.” I smile.
He raises a brow in question. “Are you okay, my love?” he asks.
I nod and my eyes hold his. “I can’t marry you today, Twinkle.”
His eyes stay fixed on mine. “Why?”
“I know about the curse,” I whisper as the pain starts to close over my throat
He frowns. “How?”
“I found a letter yesterday in the library that you wrote to me after my last death.”
“What letter? I didn’t write a letter.”
I smile softly. “Its okay, you may not remember writing it. But it is what it is.”
He frowns as he thinks.
I kiss the back of his hand. “You know how much I love you?”
He shakes his head. “Don’t,” he whispers.
“I can’t let you go through this again.” I smile through tears.
“Emmaline,” his voice croaks in panic. “What are you talking about?”
“You lose me in every life and yet you still find me.” Pain lances my chest as the reality of the situation hits home. “Why?” I whisper.
“I would search for you forever for even one day of your love.”
I screw up my face as the tears form. “I can’t do this to you, baby,” I whisper.
He pulls my face into his and we kiss gently through my tears.
“I can’t let you go through every life in fear,” I whisper. “I’m not doing this to you again.”
He starts to shake his head frantically. “No, no, no, Em.”
“We can break this curse, Alastar.” My eyes search his. His nostrils flare as he tries desperately to hold in his tears. “No, I can’t do it. I can’t let you go.”
I want to howl to the moon and he pulls our heads together so our foreheads touch.
“The plan that you had was for us to spend a life apart to try and break this curse?” I ask.
His eyes drop to the floor and he nods once.
“We are going to do it,” I whisper. “We have to try.” I shake my head. “I am leaving to go back to Australia this afternoon.”
His eyes fill with tears this time and I run my hand through his stubble as I stare into his beautiful face.
He pulls me into an embrace and we stay in each other’s arms for an extended time and my chest starts to wrack with tears.
He shakes his head angrily. “No.” He stands. “No. I’m not letting you go.”
“You have no choice.” I stand with renewed purpose. “The decision has been made.”
“By you.” he snaps.
I nod. “Yes.”
His eyes ignite with fury. “Why do you think I came back for Emmaline?”
I frown. “Because you couldn’t stay away,” I whisper.
He shakes his head. “No.”
I frown.
“I made a conscious decision to come back.”
I frown.
“I came to the realization. What point is life if you are constantly scared of dying?”
My eyes hold his.
“I don’t care how long you have. I only know that you are the reason I live.”
His bottom lip quivers. “And I will take any time I can have with you. Every day is a gift,” his voice cracks betraying his hurt.
“Alastar, I won’t put you through this.” I shake my head. “This is my choice. Fate has stepped in and handed me that letter. I was supposed to know this. I am supposed to act on this.”
“And what about Ester?” he yells, infuriated.
I frown and step back as my heart free falls from my chest.
“You are supposed to give birth to her. You have been drawing her for eight weeks. The wee child with the ringlets in your notepad is our daughter Ester.” He shakes his head in an outrage. “Why did she come to you if she was never meant to be born?”
I stare at him through my tears. “Ester needs her mother for more life than one. She will return to us next life,” I whisper through the lump in throat.
“What if you break it completely and we remember nothing?” he yells in a panic. “What if I never find you again?”
I screw up my face in pain. This had crossed my mind, too. “Then I will have peace knowing you are not anxious all the time, that you are not suffering and dreading the future.”
“Do not use me as an excuse.”
I stare at him and I kiss him softly on his lips, tasting my own salty tears. “Twinkle, I love you.”
His tortured eyes hold mine. “No, Em. Don’t do this. Please. I beg.” The tears run freely down his face.
I hold his cheeks in my hands as I try to calm him down, even though my heart is completely breaking. “Alastar, listen t
o me,” I whisper.
He shakes his head, too distraught to function. I bring his eyes to meet mine.
“Not all fairy tales have happy endings, Twinkle.” I kiss him softly on the lips. “But all fairy tales have a hero and this time, it’s me,” I whisper sadly.
“Em,” he whispers.
“I love you.” I sob. “The next life is ours.”
He holds me tight for an extended time.
“Find me, Alastar,” I whisper through my pain. “Because of us, find me.”
* * *
“Can I get you a drink or anything?” the stewardess asks.
“I stare out the small round airplane window as I see London disappear beneath me, and I turn to her in slow motion. “Can I have a vodka, lime and soda please?” I ask flatly.
She smiles warmly. “Of course, dear.” She disappears up the airplane aisle.
I have never felt so distraught. I came to London because I wanted to learn about history.
I guess I got the full package with optional extras.
The sound of the engine drowns out the sound of my heart sobbing and I stare into the clouds as we fly.
I don’t feel like a hero.
With every mile that we fly farther away from my love, a part of me dies.
He will find me in our next life.
I know he will.
Because of Us.
He has to.
Epilogue
Another time. Another place.
A young dark haired girl walks through the flea markets with her grandparents, excited to be finally be in London, visiting from her hometown in the USA. At eighteen years of age, with large brown eyes and olive skin, she is wearing a white dress and has a camel colored handbag worn across her body. She is pretty and has a mischievous personality. Her grandparents stop to look at a furniture stall, but she keeps wandering until she gets to a jewelry stand. She peers through the old glass cabinets at the antique rings. She smiles as an emerald ring catches her sight.
She points to it through the glass. “Can I try this on, please?” She smiles at the kind, old lady.
The old lady smiles and carefully removes the ring from the cabinet to hand it over. She slips it on her finger. Oh, she loves this ring.