by Anne Rice
Over the phone, Rose talked endlessly to Uncle Lestan about this or that play she’d seen, or concert, or what was happening with Shakespeare in the Park, and how they wanted to go to Boston this weekend, just to see it, and perhaps visit Harvard.
The summer before Rose’s senior year, she and Aunt Marge met Uncle Lestan in London for a marvelous week of visiting the most wonderful sites after hours and with private guides. Then Aunt Marge and Rose went on to Rome, and to Florence and to a whole string of other cities before returning to New York just in time for school to start.
It was sometime just before her eighteenth birthday that Rose turned to the internet to research the ghastly Amazing Grace Home for Girls where she’d been imprisoned. She had never told anyone she knew about what actually happened to her there.
The news reports confirmed everything Louis had told her long ago. The judge who’d sent Rose there had gone to prison. And two lawyers had gone with him.
On Rose’s last night there, apparently, a boiler had exploded, setting fire to the entire establishment. Two other explosions had destroyed outbuildings and stables. Rose had never known there were stables. Local firefighters and police had converged on the school to find girls wandering the grounds dazed and incoherent from the shock of the blast, and many had had visible welts and bruises from being beaten. One or two had shaved heads; and two had been taken to local emergency rooms due to malnutrition and dehydration. Some girls had the words SLUT and ADDICT written on them with felt-tip pen. Newspaper stories reflected contempt and outrage. They railed against the school as a racket, part of the unregulated religious Troubled Teen Industry in which parents were bilked out of thousands of dollars to pay for “reformation” of teen girls they feared were in danger of becoming druggies or dropouts or suicides.
Everybody connected with the place had been indicted for something, it seemed; but charges eventually were dropped. There was no law requiring regulation of religious schools in Florida, and the owners and “faculty” of the place dropped out of the record.
But it was easy to trace Dr. Hays and Mrs. Hays. They had both died within months in a fiery home invasion. One of the other more notorious teachers had drowned off Miami Beach. And yet another had been killed in a car wreck.
Rose hated to admit it but this gave her a great deal of satisfaction. At the same time, something about it bothered Rose. A terrible feeling crept over her. Had someone punished these people for what they’d done, done to Rose and to others? But that was absurd. Who would do such a thing? Who could do such a thing? She put it out of her mind, and it was dreadful, she told herself, to be glad these people were dead. Rose did a little more reading on the Troubled Teen Industry and other scandals besetting these unregulated Christian schools and homes, but then she couldn’t endure another moment of thinking of it all. It made her too angry, and when she became angry, she became ashamed, ashamed that she’d ever—. There was no end to it. She closed the book on that brief and horrid chapter of her life. The present beckoned.
Uncle Lestan wanted Rose to follow her own star when it came to college. He assured her nothing was off-limits.
She and Marge flew to California to visit Stanford and the University of California at Berkeley.
Stanford, near beautiful Palo Alto, California, was Rose’s final choice, and Rose and Marge moved the July before school started.
Uncle Lestan met Rose in San Francisco for a brief holiday in August. Rose fell in love with the city, and had half a mind to live there and commute. Uncle Lestan had another suggestion. Why not live near campus as planned, and have an apartment in San Francisco? It was soon arranged, and Rose and Marge moved into a spacious modern condo walking distance from Davies Symphony Hall and the San Francisco Opera House.
Their small house on a tree-lined street in Palo Alto was charming. And though the change of coasts meant a new housekeeper, and two new drivers, Rose was soon settled in and loving the California sunshine.
After her first week of classes, Rose was in love with her literature professor, a tall, wiry, and introspective man who spoke with the affectation of an actor. Gardner Paleston was his name; he’d been a prodigy of sorts, publishing four volumes of poetry as well as two books on the work of William Carlos Williams before he was thirty. At thirty-five, he was brooding, intense, bombastic, and utterly seductive. He flirted openly with Rose, and told her over coffee after class that she was the most beautiful young woman he’d ever seen. He e-mailed her poems about her “raven hair” and “inquisitive eyes.” He took her to dinner at expensive restaurants and showed her his large, old Georgian-style home in old Palo Alto. His mother and father were dead, he said. His brother had died in Afghanistan. And so he haunted the house, now, what a waste, but he couldn’t bear to give it up, filled as it was with the “rag-and-bone shop of my childhood.”
When Uncle Lestan came to visit, he took Rose walking through the quiet leafy streets of Palo Alto. He remarked on the magnolia trees and their hard, rustling green leaves, and how he loved them from his time “in the South.”
He was mussed and dusty all over and Rose realized that she’d often seen Uncle Lestan this way, exquisitely dressed, but dusty.
It was on the tip of her tongue to tease him about flying about in the stars, but she didn’t. His skin was more darkly tanned than usual and looked almost burned, and his beautiful thick hair was almost white.
He wore a dark blue blazer and khaki pants and black shoes shined to look like glass, and he talked in a low, gentle voice telling her that she must always remember: she could do absolutely anything in this world that she wanted. She could be a writer, a poet, a musician, an architect, a doctor, a lawyer, whatever it was, that she wanted. And if she wanted to marry and make a home for her husband and her children that was fine, too. “If money can’t buy you the freedom to do anything you want, well, what is the good of it?” he asked. He sounded almost sad. “And money you have, Rose. Plenty of it. And time. And if time can’t give us freedom to do what we want, what good is time?”
Rose felt a terrible pain. She was in love with Uncle Lestan. Beside Uncle Lestan, all thoughts of her teacher, Gardner Paleston, simply faded into nothingness. But Rose didn’t say a word. On the verge of tears, she only smiled, and explained that yes, she knew this, that he’d told her this long ago when she’d been a little girl, that she could be and do anything she wanted. “The trouble is I want to do everything!” she said. “I want to live and study here, and live and study in Paris, and in Rome and in New York; I want to do everything.”
Uncle Lestan smiled and told her how proud of her he was. “You’ve grown into a beautiful woman, Rose,” he said. “I knew you’d be pretty. You were pretty when I first saw you. But you’re beautiful now. You’re strong and healthy and, well, you’re beautiful. There’s no point mincing words about it.” And then he turned suddenly into a tyrant, telling her that her driver had to go with her wherever she went, that he even wanted her driver sitting in the back of her college classrooms when there was room, or right outside of them. Rose argued. She wanted freedom. But he wouldn’t hear of it. He had become an overzealous and intensely European guardian, it seemed to Rose, but how could Rose really argue? When she thought of all Uncle Lestan had done for her, she fell silent. All right. Her driver would go everywhere with her. He could carry her books. That would be nice, though these days with iPads and Kindles, she didn’t have to carry many books.
Six months after that visit, Rose received a letter from Uncle Lestan saying that she would not be hearing from him so often anymore but that he loved her, and he needed this time to be alone. Be assured of his love, and be patient. He would eventually come round. And in the meantime she was entirely safe and must ask his attorneys for whatever her heart desired.
That had always been the way, really. And how could she ask for more?
A year passed without her hearing from Uncle Lestan.
But she had been so busy with other things. And then another year
, but it was all right. It would have been wicked and ungrateful to complain, especially when his attorney in Paris called regularly every month.
Two weeks into her junior year, Rose was hopelessly in love again with Gardner Paleston. She was in three of his classes and certain that she could become a great poet someday if she listened to every single word he said. She’d gone to the campus clinic and gotten the information and pills she needed to prevent any accidental pregnancy, and she was just waiting for the time to be perfect for them to be together. Gardner Paleston called her every evening and talked to her for an hour. She had more potential than any other student he’d ever had, he said.
“I want to teach you all I know, Rose,” he said. “I’ve never felt that way about anyone before. I want to give you all that I can, do you understand what I’m saying, Rose? Whatever I know, what I’ve learned, whatever I have to pass on, I want to give it to you.” It sounded as if he was crying on the other end of the line. Rose was overcome.
She wanted desperately to talk with Uncle Lestan about Gardner but that was not to be. She wrote long letters and sent them to the attorney in Paris, and received the most touching little gifts in response. Surely they came from the attorney, she thought, but then each arrived with a gift card signed by Uncle Lestan, and these cards were more precious to her than the pearl necklaces or amethyst brooches they accompanied. Surely Uncle Lestan would one day see Gardner’s exceptional talent, his passion, his genius, for what it was.
As she sat dreaming in class, Gardner Paleston became the most sensitive and brilliant being Rose had ever imagined. He was not as beautiful as Uncle Lestan, no, and he looked older actually, perhaps because he didn’t have Uncle Lestan’s health, she couldn’t know. But she came to love everything about Gardner including his hawklike nose, his high forehead, and the long fingers with which he gestured dramatically as he strode back and forth before the classroom.
How disappointed he was, he declared, how crushed, he said bitterly, that “not a single student in this room understands a tenth of what I’m saying here!” He bowed his head, eyes closed, fingers pressed to the bridge of his nose, and trembled. Rose could have cried.
She sat on the grass under a tree reading over and over William Carlos Williams’s poem: “The Red Wheelbarrow.” What did it mean? Rose wasn’t sure she knew! How could she confess this to Gardner? She burst into tears.
Before Christmas, Gardner told Rose the time had come for them to be together. It was the weekend. He’d carefully prepared everything.
Rose had a big fight with her favorite driver, Murray. Murray was young and dedicated, and fun really, but just as obnoxious as all the other paid guardians. “You stay two blocks behind us,” said Rose. “Don’t let him see that you’re following! I’ll be spending the evening with him, you understand, and you can wait outside, quietly, unobtrusively. Now, Murray, don’t ruin this for me.”
Murray had his doubts. He was a small muscular man, of Russian Jewish descent, who’d been a San Francisco policeman for ten years before getting this job, which paid him three times what he’d made before. He was also a very honest, straightforward, and decent guy, like all the drivers, and he let it be known he didn’t approve of “this professor.” But he followed Rose’s orders.
Gardner picked up Rose about six o’clock that evening and drove her to the mysterious old Georgian mansion in old Palo Alto, following a curved drive through the manicured garden up to a porte cochere that couldn’t be seen from the street.
Rose was wearing a simple lilac cashmere dress for this blessed evening, with black stockings and black leather shoes, her hair free down her back, with a small diamond clasp over one ear. The soft leafy grounds of Gardner’s house were beautiful to her in the gathering darkness.
It had been a splendid place once, that was obvious, with old creaking hardwood floors, richly paneled walls, and a broad central stairway. But now it was littered with Gardner’s books and papers, the huge dining room table a glorified desk with his two computers and various notebooks strewn about.
Up the stairs they crept, over old worn red carpet, and down the long dark hall to the master bedroom. A fire blazed in a stone fireplace, and candles burned everywhere. Candles on the mantel, candles on the old high-mirrored dressing table, candles on the night tables. The bed itself was a delicate antique four-poster, with an old “rice design,” Gardner explained, which his mother had inherited from her mother.
“Just a full bed, a small bed,” he said. “They didn’t make queen and king beds in those days, but this is all we need.”
Rose nodded. On a long coffee table before an old red-velvet couch sat trays of French cheese, crackers, black caviar, and other choice tidbits. There was wine there, uncorked, waiting for them.
This was Rose’s dream, that this, her first experience, would be one of the highest love, and that everything would be perfect.
“I take Holy Communion,” whispered Gardner as he kissed her, “my innocent one, my sweet and gentle one, my flower.”
They had taken it slowly, kissing, tumbling under the white sheets, and then it had been rough, almost divinely rough, and then it was over.
How could anything have been so perfect? Surely Aunt Marge would understand—that is, if Rose ever told her. But perhaps it was best to tell no one ever. Rose had kept secrets all her life, kept them close, sensing that to divulge a secret could be a terrible thing. And perhaps she would keep this night secret all her life.
They lay together on the pillow, Gardner talking about all that Rose had to learn, all that he wanted to share with her, how much hope he had for her. Rose was just a child, a blank slate, he said, and he wanted to give Rose all he could.
It made Rose think of Uncle Lestan. She couldn’t help it. But what would Uncle Lestan have thought had he known where she was now?
“Can I tell you things?” Rose said. “Can I tell you things about my life, about the mysteries of my life that I’ve never told anyone?”
“Of course you can,” Gardner whispered. “Forgive me that I haven’t asked you more. Sometimes I think you’re so beautiful that I can’t really talk to you.” This actually wasn’t true. He talked all the time to her. But she sensed what he meant. He hadn’t said much about wanting to hear her talk.
She felt close to him as she’d never felt close to anyone. Lying beside him felt so perfect. She could not tell whether she was sad or supremely happy.
And so she told him what she’d never told her friends ever. She told him about Uncle Lestan.
She started talking in a low voice, describing the earthquake and that sudden ride up into the stars, and into the Heavens. And she went on to describe him, and the mystery that he was, and how her life had been guided by him. She said a little about the horrid Christian home, skipping quickly to the night she was rescued—again, the dramatic ascent, the wind, the clouds, and those stars again above her in the naked sky. She spoke of Louis and Uncle Lestan and her life since … and how she sometimes thought about her mother of long ago, and that island, and what an accident it was that Uncle Lestan had saved her, loved her, protected her.
Quite suddenly Gardner sat up. Reaching for a white terrycloth robe, he stood, wrapped it around him, and walked away towards the fireplace. He stood there with his head bowed for a long moment. He put his hands on the mantel and he let out a loud groan.
Cautiously, Rose sat back against the pillows, pulling the sheet up to cover her breasts. She could hear him continuing to groan. Suddenly he cried out, and as she watched, he rocked back and forth on his bare feet with his head thrown back. Then came his low, angry voice:
“This is so disappointing, oh, so disappointing! I had such hopes for you, such dreams!” he said. She saw him trembling. “And you give me this, this stupid, ridiculous cheap high school vampire babble!” He turned around and faced her, his eyes wet and glittering. “Do you know how you’ve disappointed me? Do you know how you’ve let me down?” His voice grew louder and louder.
“I had dreams for you, Rose, dreams of what you might be. Rose, you have such potential.” He was roaring at her. His face had grown red. “And you feed me this foolish, pedestrian schoolgirl trash!”
He turned to the left, then to the right, and then went towards the bookcase on the wall, his hands moving like big white spiders over the books. “And for God’s sakes, get the damned names right!” he said. He drew a large hardcover book down from the shelf. “It’s Lestat, damn it,” he said, coming towards the bed, “and not Lestan! And Louie is Louis de Pointe du Lac. If you’re going to tell me ridiculous childish stories, get it straight, damn it.”
He hurled the book at her. Before she could duck, the spine caught her in the forehead. A fierce stabbing pain spread through her skin and gripped her head.
She was stunned. She was maddened by the pain. The book fell down on the comforter. The Vampire Lestat was the title. It was old, and the paper jacket was torn.
Gardner had gone back to the mantelpiece, and once again he moaned. Then he began again. “This is so disappointing, so disappointing, and on this night of all nights, Rose, this night. You can’t begin to know how you’ve failed me. You can’t begin to know how disappointed I am. I deserve better than this, Rose. I deserve so much more!”
She sat there shaking. She was in a rage. The pain went on and on in her head and she felt a silent fury that he had hurled this book at her, hurled it right at her face, and hurt her in this way.
She slipped out of the bed, her legs wobbling. And in spite of her trembling hands, she pulled on her clothes as quickly as she could.
On and on he spoke, down into the crackling fire, crying now. “And this was to be a beautiful night, such a special night. You cannot imagine how you have disappointed me! Vampires carrying you up into the stars! Good Lord in Heaven! Rose, you don’t know how you’ve hurt me, how you’ve betrayed me!”