by Susan Wiggs
I like Joey because he loves the world and makes me laugh, and I’m not going to lie to you. Being in the army has turned him into a total hunk. Of course, Rourke was already a hunk, and he’s so strong and smart, and sometimes just looking at him makes me dizzy. It’s as if my heart doesn’t want me to choose one over the other.
Okay, I lied. It’s Rourke. I’ve been crazy about him since I was in pigtails. He’s really intense, and he has this awful father he hasn’t spoken to since he got out of high school and refused to go to the “right” school, choosing instead the state school at Stony Brook, where he studies law enforcement. He fascinates me, and he’s the sexiest boy I’ve ever known. We’ve never done anything, though. We have this unspoken agreement that we’re just friends. It’s the only possible way I can see any kind of relationship with either guy working—I keep my feelings for Rourke in check and go along with the charade.
Gram likes to remind me that people like the McKnights and the Majeskys don’t mix. Besides, Rourke claims it’s not cool to like the same girl your best friend wants and he goes out of his way to hang out with other girls. Not that either of them consulted me about any of this. And sometimes, I wish I could have deeper feelings for Joey. I mean, I do, but more as a friend than a boyfriend. It probably doesn’t matter, because Rourke’s in college now and Joey’s leaving again at summer’s end. As for me...well, I need to stay with Gram so she doesn’t start feeling as if everyone has left her.
* * *
After the traditional Fourth of July parade, there was an enormous picnic at the county park by the river. At dusk, people made their way up the mountain to Camp Kioga for a display of fireworks over Willow Lake. The camp directors invited the whole town. Jenny and Nina went up together, with Sonnet strapped in her car seat in the back. “Her first fireworks display,” Nina said. “Think she’ll be afraid?”
“She’s not afraid of anything.” Jenny half turned to gaze at the little girl, cute as a Cabbage Patch doll in red, white and blue overalls, clapped her hands in delight. She was potty trained, although Nina toted along a diaper bag just in case.
Nina pulled into the gravel parking lot. “Where did Rourke and Joey say they’d meet us?” she asked.
“Main pavilion,” Jenny said, gesturing at the large, timber lodge. She spotted the guys in their gray athletic sweatshirts with the Camp Kioga logo. As always, the sight of Rourke caught at her heart and as always, she ignored the feeling. It was, she knew, yet another facet of being an adult. After losing her grandfather and going through bankruptcy, keeping herself from falling for a boy should be a cakewalk.
Except that it wasn’t. When she looked at him, she felt a searing pain that left her breathless.
“I’ll carry her,” Jenny offered, holding out her arms for Sonnet. In addition to being a welcome armful, the little girl was a shield Jenny could hold up to keep her distance.
Unlike Jenny, Sonnet didn’t hold in her feelings by any measure. She took one look at Joey Santini and shrieked with joy. The first time she’d seen him, she had decided that he was the love of her life. While it was sad that she was growing up without a father, it had its advantages. There were so many people in the little girl’s life who adored her. Surrounding a child with love was the key, not whose DNA she carried.
Like most young men, both Joey and Rourke regarded small children with the same horrified caution as a cottonmouth snake. And like most toddlers, Sonnet didn’t care. She squealed and bucked in Jenny’s arms until Jenny surrendered her to Joey. He gazed into the small, nut-brown face. “One peep outta you, and I’m giving you back,” he said.
“Peep,” said Sonnet, gazing back at him.
As they headed down to the beach with their guests to enjoy the fireworks, Rourke kept his distance, as though Joey was holding a volatile substance. It was dusk, and people gathered around the campfires strung along the lakeshore. They toasted marshmallows and lit sparklers, which the kids whirled tirelessly in circles and figure eights. When darkness fell, the fireworks began shooting from the island in the middle of the lake. Colorful starbursts were reflected in the still water, greeted by the oohs and aahs of the onlookers. Sonnet adored the fireworks, clapping her hands and chortling with each explosion. But, like most toddlers, she soon grew bored with the display and wanted to go swimming in the lake.
“Not a good idea,” Nina said. “We don’t have our swimsuits and it’s dark.”
“Mom,” said Sonnet, her Minnie Mouse voice edged by the threat of a tantrum.
“Let’s go for a walk,” Nina suggested, jumping up.
The four of them slipped away. Rourke shone his flashlight along the lakeshore trail. They passed the boathouse and then the staff pavilion, informally known as the party shack, where camp workers and counselors were already gathering now that the campers were down for the night. “Where you going, Rourke?” called a flirty female voice. He walked faster, the only indication that he’d heard.
“What’s that?” Nina asked, pointing to a large, bulky structure off by itself, well past the staff cottages.
“It’s where the caretaker lives in winter,” Joey said. “It’s empty now. Let’s go check it out.”
“It’s probably locked,” said Rourke.
“It’s definitely locked,” Joey agreed. “Good thing I have a key.”
It was a beautiful old lodge, musty with disuse and filled with peeled log furniture and camp memorabilia. Originally the camp owners’ residence, it was now used by the Bellamys as an off-season retreat or guest cottage. Joey opened the fridge but found nothing. Sonnet scurried around, exploring everywhere, helping herself to games and toys stashed in a bench. She stopped in front of the moose-head trophy over the river-rock fireplace and went very still.
“Don’t worry, it won’t hurt you,” Joey said, lifting her up. Then he set her down as though she was on fire. “God, what’s that smell?”
“I pooped,” Sonnet explained.
“God,” he said again. “It’s making my eyes water. I thought you said she was housebroken.”
“Potty trained. And the bad news is,” Nina said, “the diaper bag is in the car.”
Sonnet started to sob as though her heart was breaking. It was decided that Joey would show Nina back to the car while Rourke and Jenny put away the toys and games Sonnet had taken out. Jenny opened a window to air the place out. She tried not to laugh at Rourke’s horrified expression, but couldn’t help herself.
“You think that’s funny?” he asked.
“No, I think your reaction is funny. It’s not toxic waste, Rourke.”
“They should use kids like her in high-school parenting classes. The birth rate would go way down.”
She rounded up the cribbage pieces Sonnet had spilled. “It’s not that big a deal.”
“Maybe not to you.”
“Honestly, changing a diaper is far from my favorite thing in the world, too.” She thought how amazing Nina had been, right from the start. Changing a diaper was only one tiny facet of an awesome responsibility. Despite being so young, she treated Sonnet with endless patience and love.
“My grandfather used to come up here in the winter,” Jenny said, paging through a photo album with old pictures glued to black pages. She stopped at a shot of him standing on the dock, smiling sweetly. “He and Mr. Bellamy would go ice fishing.” She touched the face in the photo and grief crashed over her in a wave that felt almost physical.
“I’m sorry,” Rourke said. Like so many people, he seemed to be at a loss for what to say.
“It’s okay.” Her voice sounded thready and uncertain as she gently closed the album. “It’s just... I miss him so much.”
And then—she never quite worked out how it happened—she was in Rourke’s arms, and she felt such an overwhelming sense of comfort that she hugged him back, and then they were kissing.
<
br /> Finally, miraculously, they were kissing. It was the kiss she had imagined a thousand times—long and deep, the kind that made the world stand still, the kind she never thought she’d experience, even though it had been building between them, summer after summer, for years. She was lit with fire, and for the first time in her life she felt swept away. Oh, she wanted this, she had been wanting it forever, and it was even better than all her fevered imaginings. It was a perfect moment, and she didn’t want it to end. Finally, when they came up for air, she made a bold move, slipping her hands beneath his sweatshirt. He caught his breath as though she’d hurt him. The moonlight streaming through the window glinted off the pale scar on his cheek. And Jenny faced a cold truth—from this moment onward, every other kiss would forever be ruined for her.
“Rourke—”
“Sorry,” he said, moving away from her. “I shouldn’t have—that won’t happen again.”
But I want it to, she thought. She wanted to kiss him again, and she wanted whatever came next with him.
“We should go,” he said. “They’ll be waiting for us.” He headed for the door without looking to see if she followed. He stood there, holding it open. She glared at him, torn between feeling turned on and rejected. He glared right back, and didn’t budge from the door. She took one more look around and then marched outside and down the steps, and she kept going while he closed the place.
He caught up and walked fast, as if in a hurry to get away from her. The fireworks were over and the moon was high as they made their way back to the path along the lake.
“You’re mad at me,” she said. No point in pretending it hadn’t happened.
“I’m not mad at you.”
“You are. I can tell. You’re giving me the silent treatment and your eyes are all squinched up.”
He stopped walking and sighed heavily. “My eyes are not squinched up, and I’m not mad.”
“Liar.”
“Okay, now I’m mad,” he said.
“I knew it. See, I was right. So now you have to tell me why.”
“Because you called me a liar.”
“I mean before that.”
“Before that, I...this is stupid. I’m done talking about it.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and glared at her. Shadows cut deep across his face.
“You’re not mad because you kissed me,” she said. “You’re mad because you liked it.”
“I like girls, so sue me. And anyway, if you already know everything, why do you keep talking about it?”
“Because I’m trying to understand, Rourke.”
“It’s not hard,” he said.
She lowered her gaze. “It’s Joey, isn’t it?” she said softly.
“He’s been trying to figure out a way to ask you out since the beginning of summer.”
She knew that. On some level, she was aware of it. “I might not want him to ask me out.”
“Why wouldn’t you? He’s great.”
“Maybe I like somebody else.” The words slipped out, whispered like a scandal.
He gave her a hard look. Outlined by the moonlight, he appeared large and menacing. “Well, you shouldn’t.”
“Great. Thanks for the advice.” She covered her pain with sarcasm. It was, from every possible angle, an impossible situation. There was no way she could be with either boy without hurting the other. No, that wasn’t quite right. Nothing could hurt Rourke. He wore a hard shell of emotional armor, galvanized over the years by his father’s cruelty. He knew how to protect himself. But Joey didn’t, even after two years in the army. Sweet, sensitive Joey didn’t try to protect himself at all.
“What took you guys so long?” Joey called. He was waiting out by the staff pavilion, where the party was in full swing.
“Nothing,” Jenny said, and realized she was on the verge of tears. She ducked her head, hiding her face. If Joey got a good look, he might guess she had just been kissed to kingdom come. “Where’s Nina?”
“She took Sonnet home. I told her Rourke and I would give you a ride later.”
Great. Ditched by Nina, and forced to spend the rest of the evening here.
“Let’s go inside,” Rourke muttered. He, too, seemed to be avoiding Joey’s eyes.
Jenny had only been to a few parties at Camp Kioga. Mostly, they were one big mosh pit with loud music thumping from blown speakers. The lights were dim, but somehow, three girls noticed Rourke right away and drifted over, swarming him like groupies around a rock star. As she watched, he seemed to turn into a different person, with a smooth, consciously sexy smile and an easy manner as he slid his arm around one of the girls and moved onto the dance floor. The girl he chose was wearing a short skirt and tank top so tight the hardware on her bra was visible.
Jenny must have let all her hurt and confusion show on her face, because Joey came over and touched her arm. “Let’s go outside.”
As she left the party, she threw a glance over her shoulder—just in time to see Rourke watching her, as if to make certain she’d seen what he was doing. And what was he doing, anyway? Trying to convince her she was wrong to like him? If so, it was working. That ought to make him happy.
“Don’t worry about Rourke,” Joey said. “Sometimes he acts like a jerk for no reason.”
Oh, I gave him a reason, she thought.
“It’s hard on him, you know? The way he grew up.”
She couldn’t help smiling. Joey always seemed to believe the best of everyone. Things would be so much simpler if she and Joey... Could you talk yourself into loving someone because he seemed so right?
* * *
Jenny did her best. When Joey called to ask her to a movie, she readily accepted. She invited him to the house, and watched with a softening heart the way he and Gram got on. A series of TIA strokes had impaired Gram, but Joey didn’t focus on that. He didn’t shout at her as if she was deaf (she wasn’t) or talk to her as though she was a moron (she wasn’t that, either). Instead, he treated her with dignity and respect, and when he was around, Gram took on a happy glow. Jenny loved the way he treated Gram, as if she was his own grandmother.
Bruno Santini came to visit one weekend. Spending time with him, she understood exactly where Joey came from—a place of love and acceptance. He treated his grown son with unabashed affection and pride, and didn’t hesitate to open his heart to Jenny and her grandmother. “You’re the prettiest girl Joey’s ever introduced me to,” he said.
“Pop, she’s the only girl I’ve ever introduced you to,” Joey pointed out.
In August when the weather grew so hot that even the crickets fell still, Joey hung a two-seater swing on the front porch and he and Jenny would sit there late at night, gently swaying, hoping for a breeze. Jenny was beginning to think she’d never move away from this house. After Grandpa died, she still held on to the dream, but when Gram had her first stroke, that was it for Jenny. She was staying. Gram needed her. They were companionable roommates and made the best of the situation. Since Gram couldn’t do stairs anymore, they converted the downstairs den to her bedroom and Jenny had the entire upstairs to herself. Sometimes she pretended it was a loft in SoHo, but then the crickets would start up or a coyote would howl, and she’d remember: she was in Avalon.
“It’s so nice here,” Joey said, his arm slipping around her.
Jenny smiled at the irony of it. “My thoughts exactly.”
“I’m going to miss you so much,” he said softly.
“Are you afraid?” she asked.
“Nervous, I guess. But scared?” He smiled. “I know this next tour of duty’s going to be more intense because I’ll be a ranger, but it doesn’t scare me.” His smile faded. “But...leaving you. Now, that scares me.”
“Why would it scare you?”
“Because everything feels so good right now, I don�
��t want it to change.”
She paused, took in a breath of the heat-heavy air. “Everything changes. We both know that.”
“But if we were together, we’d change and grow together.” He gave a self-deprecating laugh. “I know, I’m crazy. You might go chasing off to the city and turn into a stranger.”
She laughed, too, even though his comment bothered her. “I’m not going anywhere. Gram needs me here. You have to understand, Joey, I’ll never leave her.”
He leaned over and touched his lips to her forehead. “She’s lucky to have you. And so am I.”
In that moment, Jenny felt like the lucky one. There was a nearly full moon riding high in the sky that night, and its silvery light slipped over him, illuminating a face that had become precious to her. What a gift it was to have someone like this in her life, someone who loved her without question, whose chief worry was being separated from her.
* * *
For the rest of the month of August, Rourke watched Joey and Jenny growing closer. He tried to be happy for them but, failing that, settled for acting as though he didn’t care. He ran around with girls from the camp, drank too much, slept too little and avoided his best friend. And somehow, finally, summer was winding down. He was starting to count the days until he, Joey and Jenny would go their separate ways.
The week before Labor Day, the traditional staff field day was held. Counselors and workers at the camp would compete in various events, egged on by the campers. Rourke’s event was tennis, and he easily won the preliminary rounds. In the final round, his opponent was Joey. Great, he thought. Just great. He’d be fighting his best friend for the title. Even worse, Jenny had come to watch. He could see her sitting with Nina in the bleachers. Jenny was wearing a wide-brimmed hat and drinking a glass of lemonade, and even from a distance, he could hear her laughter.