by Tess Adair
Derek’s face relaxed, the suspicion melting out of it. “Oh. Okay. Yeah, I don’t know. It might be nice to not have to…see everybody else for a little bit.”
As his defensive demeanor relaxed, she saw an unexpected vulnerability rising to the surface instead. His eyes looked tired, his shoulders hunched. He seemed burdened, beleaguered. Perhaps that shouldn’t have surprised her.
“I think that would be a good idea for you. I can write you a note to bring to your parents, or speak to them directly if you like.” She leaned back, studying him. “Would you like to talk about Violet at all? You don’t have to, but you certainly may if you want to.”
“Uh, yeah,” he said. His eyes locked with hers briefly, and he nodded, looking all the world like he was perfectly ready to speak. But then he didn’t say anything else. He held her eyes a moment before letting his gaze fall to the floor, where he proceeded to stare at the dull grey carpet. His face looked blank, like it couldn’t quite hold on to any particular thought. After a moment, he scrunched up his nose and brought his hand up to swipe roughly at his eyes. Was he crying?
“Take your time,” she encouraged him, settling back into the hard, unyielding plastic. “We can take as long as you need. There’s no pressure here.”
He took a deep breath, then another. Then he spoke.
“I just…I keep forgetting it, you know?” The words came out of him slowly, as if he had to pick each one individually from a turbulent sea. “Like, I’m in math class, and everything is normal, and I forget, so I turn right to ask her a question—only her seat is empty. And when I see it’s empty, I kinda remember but I kinda don’t. I think she went to the bathroom or something. And then I think I’ll ask her later, but that’s when I remember that I won’t see her later. And then class keeps going, but all I can think about is the last time I saw her, and everything we were still supposed to do. I don’t know.”
Logan nodded slowly, giving him time to add more before she interjected. “It sounds like she was very important to you.”
His gaze drifted up, floating along the posters taped up near the front of the classroom. “I had most of my classes with her. We tried to pick everything together this semester. I don’t know. Some of the classes I don’t care about that much, but she wanted them and she said they were good for schools to see in our college applications. She wanted to learn more about business, but that class is boring as fuck. Oh shit—uh, I mean—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.”
Logan let a real, unpracticed smile unfurl across her face. “I don’t care if you curse, Derek. Say whatever you want.”
Derek smiled back at her, a little sheepishly, a little shyly. “Cool,” he declared. “I never get to say real shit at school.”
Logan kept her smile in place and gave a small shrug. “I know we’re on school grounds, but you don’t have to think of this as school. I’m here as resource for you, not as a disciplinarian. And after what you’ve been through, I’d say a little cursing is not only allowable but perfectly appropriate. Your situation sucks. It fucking sucks. It’s okay to say it.”
“Thanks. That’s cool.” He wore a surprised half-smile himself, but after a moment, his expression turned softer and more contemplative. “I do miss her, you know,” he said. “She was great sometimes. I feel like nobody really got it, but she was the smartest person I knew. And she was funny, but I don’t think she wanted anyone to know that.” His expression turned darker. “I guess it isn’t always a good thing to be funny like that, though. Funny and smart, maybe. I don’t know, sometimes I think she was too smart. Too smart to be here, anyway.”
Logan already agreed with him, but she wanted him to unpack his thoughts a little more. “What do you mean she was too smart to be here? You think nobody appreciated how smart she was?”
“That’s part of it,” he said, nodding. “But also…I don’t know, I think she’d get bored. And when she got bored, she got mean.” He made a kind of clucking noise as he shoved his hands in his pockets. It looked to her like he wanted to shrug out of responsibility for what he was saying. “I never got why she liked doing some of that stuff, but now I think it must have been because she was so bored. It’s like if she couldn’t get a real challenge, then she was gonna do whatever else she wanted.”
“What do you mean? What else did she want to do?”
He paused, a look of concern frozen on his face. Perhaps he felt he shouldn’t incriminate her in any way, even if she couldn’t get in trouble for it.
“It’s okay,” Logan assured him. “I know she had some conflicts with a few of the other students. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”
“No, I do want to tell you. I don’t know, I guess I feel bad remembering some of the bad stuff. It feels like I’m only supposed to remember what was good about her, like that’s all that matters now. I mean, it’s not like she can defend herself anymore. You know?”
“Hm,” Logan answered, no real hint of agreement in her voice. She studied her boot for a moment, noting the piece of dried grass stuck to the side. “You can’t help what you remember about her. She wasn’t perfect, just like you and I aren’t perfect. Most people have little defects and shortcomings; it’s part of what defines us. If you intentionally try to block those things out of your memory, then you aren’t really remembering the right person at all. And I don’t think Violet would want you to remember her wrong, do you?”
Derek took a moment to absorb her words before he slowly nodded. “I guess that’s true. I don’t think she ever tried to hide what she did, anyway.” He looked out the window for a moment, like he was gathering himself back up. Still gazing at the clear blue sky, he spoke. “She could be kind of dark and awful sometimes. I never…sometimes the things she said, I didn’t know where it was coming from. I’d ask her if she wanted to see some movie, and she’d say no, but she would go see it if I wanted her to. But it felt like…it felt like she wanted to go just so she could make me feel guilty for making her do it. So then I’d try to find a movie she wanted to see—literally any movie, I would go through and name anything that was out, anything that was playing here. But she didn’t like a single one. Ever. No chick flicks, no action, no comedy, no anything. She said they were all too dumb. So one time I asked her if there was anything playing at the theater in the next town—you know, maybe if there was something that wasn’t coming here. Still nothing. And I asked her why, I mean really why, and she said she couldn’t stand to spend two hours being reminded how stupid people were, how so many people could be tricked into believing it was worth it to waste their money on the same stupid thing, over and over. And…I don’t know, I think I pushed her too far. She got really quiet, and she said there was no point to anything. Everyone had always been stupid, from the beginning of time until now, and everyone always would be, until we do something so stupid that we all die. And…god. I just shouldn’t have…her voice got kinda weird. She said the only interesting thing she could think of to do was kill herself. I don’t know. It seemed like a joke to her. But some people really…really try to do that, you know? So it’s not funny. I mean, she wasn’t trying to be funny. But, like, you can’t even…you can’t say that shit, even if you don’t mean it. Because some people do mean it, man. They really do.”
“I take it you don’t believe that Violet did mean it?”
“Not really, no. I think she was bored by everything, and I think she hated most of our friends, and her parents, and this town. But she never tried to hurt herself. She just liked to say some shit. She told me once that she’d never do it, because she needed to know what the rest of the world was like. See, I finally did get her to go to a movie one time. I found this theater over in Billings that plays more, like, those indie films and foreign films. When I told her about it, she was so excited. We spent the whole day in the city, and then we went to go see this Argentinean movie. I think that was probably the happiest I ever saw her. Finally something new, you know? After that, she said
that no matter what, she had to travel the world someday. She wanted to see every other kind of place there is, you know? See everything. I mean, she’d still say all that other shit, too. As soon as she was upset about anything, all of a sudden the whole world sucked again and she might as well kill herself. But I knew she wouldn’t ever do it.” His gaze drifted again, like he couldn’t look Logan in the eye when he remembered the worst of it. “But some people really do it, you know? They do.”
Logan felt her right eyebrow rise with intrigue, but she pushed it back to neutral. “What do you mean, Derek?”
Derek shifted uncomfortably, his eyes gaining focus once more. “I mean, I only know what I heard. I didn’t really know her that well. I mean, we had, like, one class together, so I spoke to her a couple of times. Mainly for class. But I don’t think she’d say I was her friend or anything. I probably should have talked to her more, but I didn’t even know, you know? Her name’s Suzanne, and I guess a lot of people think she’s weird. I always thought she was pretty normal. She helped me out one time when I missed a class, so I thought was cool. But I think a lot of the girls thought she was ugly, and they liked making fun of her sometimes. I never got why Violet was into that. She used to make up these shitty names for her and get the other girls to say it. I think she just liked that they would do it because she said so. She liked it when people did what she said. But I never thought it was funny. Anyway, when we started going out, she hadn’t done it in a while I think. Finally got bored of it maybe. Or maybe she felt bad. I don’t know. She wouldn’t talk about it. I didn’t even know about what happened with Suzanne until, like, a month ago. Missy told me. I think she hoped it would make me break up with Violet or something. I don’t know.”
“What did Missy tell you about Suzanne?”
“Oh, well, I knew about the flagpole prank that someone played on Suzanne, back in sophomore year. But I didn’t know that Violet was behind it. So Missy told me that. And she told me that before she switched schools, Suzanne tried to kill herself. She tried to hang herself in her room, I guess.” Pure disgust washed over his young, still-forming features. “Missy made sure to mention that Suzanne was too fat for her noose, so she just fell down on the floor instead. She’s so full of shit. Why the fuck would you ever say that to me, you know? You really think I’m gonna laugh at some girl who tried to kill herself, just so you can pretend you’re funny? Damn.”
Logan nodded silently, letting the full cruelty of Missy’s statements wash over her. Perhaps, after everything, it was a kindness that she’d never gotten to stay in any one school for too long of a stretch. “It must have been difficult to discover that Violet was responsible for that.”
“I guess I wasn’t that surprised.” She could hear a bitter, brittle note in his voice. “I never really knew what Violet got out of pushing people around like that, but I knew she did it. Anyone…I don’t know, anyone a little off, anyone weird…she made fun of them at some point. I mean, she wasn’t as bad as she used to be. She didn’t rile anyone else up anymore. But if we were alone, she’d just talk shit. About everyone. I guess she talked about her friends a lot, too.” His mouth pursed into an empty almost-grin. “Sometimes I think I was the only person she actually liked. Maybe she didn’t even like me that much.”
Logan paused. She was starting to feel an uncomfortable affinity for Violet Buchanan, though the girl remained something of a mystery. Not as dissimilar from Judith Li as either girl likely believed, Violet seemed like another kid who didn’t quite fit, who couldn’t quite find contentment. But what did that matter now? Besides, maybe Logan was wrong. For all she knew, Violet’s cruelty had nothing to do with feeling out of place herself. But there was little point saying any of that to a grieving teenage boy. So instead, she stepped back from her own head and tried to think of something more comforting.
“It sounds like Violet might have had a hard time expressing her affection for other people. But that doesn’t mean she didn’t care about you.”
“I guess.” His eyes made a rotation around the room again, and she could see his brain working in his face, his thoughts searching. “I know she had a hard time sometimes. It could be hard…looking the way she did. Honestly, most of the time, I wished she didn’t look so good. It kinda sucks sometimes when every other fucking guy wants to hit on your girlfriend, you know?”
A smile of recognition washed over Logan’s face before she could stop it. “Was it hard to feel like you had her to yourself?”
“Yeah, it was. That was it. You know, these guys, they just come after her. Jason was the worst, but he wasn’t the only one. Some of these dudes, they’ll just keep coming. It was like I couldn’t even leave her alone at a party without them all swarming around her like she was a fucking buffet or something. I don’t know. Violet used to say it felt like they all thought she owed them something, just because she was there. No matter what she said, they’d keep coming. And, man, I don’t know for sure what it was, but these last few weeks…I just wonder, I guess….”
He trailed off and his eyes glazed over a bit. Logan fought the urge to lean forward, and instead kept her posture neutral, allowing only a slight tilt to her head.
“What do you wonder about, Derek? What happened in the last few weeks?”
His eyes focused again, and his back straightened out as he met her gaze. “Violet got kind of weird. Not like…I mean, she was just really stressed out. She thought someone was stalking her. I don’t know. She got these notes, and she thought someone was in her yard. I don’t know if it was real or not. It’s like, I totally believe it could be—some of these guys go too fucking far, you know? I mean, Jason’s a fucking idiot, but it doesn’t take brains to follow someone home, I guess. But then I think—maybe she was imagining it. Violet wasn’t crazy, but—maybe it’s, I don’t know, kinda normal to think someone’s stalking you after you’ve been dealing with all these assholes, you know?” He shrugged, and she got the sense from the motion that he was giving up all hope that he’d ever know the truth. “Or maybe someone thought they were being funny. Or maybe it was Missy being a bitch. Maybe it was fucking anything, you know?”
Logan nodded, studying him carefully. When she spoke, she let her words form slowly, hoping he wouldn’t take her more seriously than necessary. “What if we assumed, just for a second, that someone was following her. What would be your first guess about who it was?”
“I don’t know. Someone who hated her, I guess. Maybe someone she fucked with. Maybe someone who hated her for some other reason. Who knows, you know?”
Logan felt a forlorn half-smile push across her lips. “Someone who thought she owed them something, perhaps.”
He nodded. “Yeah. Something like that.”
Something like that.
Logan took a cursory lunch from the cafeteria, despite the fact that a single glance at it told her that she might have found a primary source of the country’s health problems. She brought it back to her makeshift office and shut and locked the door, determined to procure a few minutes of freedom. With Violet’s file spread across the desk before her, she picked up her plastic fork and took a stab at the puddle of green beans on her plate.
Naturally, at that moment, her phone buzzed in her pocket. Without looking, she knew it was Knatt. Only rarely did she get calls from anyone but him. She answered the call and set it to speaker phone, then placed it on the desk near her plate.
“Why Knatt,” she said with feigned surprise, “how sweet of you to want to keep me company on my lunch hour. It’s the little things like this that show you care, you know.”
“That is not why I have contacted you, Miss Logan.” He sounded as stiff and British as ever.
“No, really? But you’re usually so sentimental.”
“I require an update on your progress in the case you are currently pursuing.” She would have said he sounded even more like a stick in the mud than he normally did, but she wasn’t sure such a thing was possible.
“Yo
u require an update. That’s interesting.” The sinking feeling in her stomach told her that she already knew what was coming, but she felt an urge to pull it out of him as painfully as possible.
He allowed a split second hesitation before he spoke again. “Require, request. Whichever you like.”
“Require, request. You’ve never been much for inexact phrasing, Knatt. And the word you chose was require.” She paused to take a bite of her green bean mush, chewing as slowly as she could. “It’s an interesting choice.”
She could almost feel the impatience rolling off him. “Do you have an update, Miss Logan? Have there been any developments?”
“Sure there have.” With another bite, she finished off her greens, which ultimately bore a texture closer to soup than vegetables. Then she moved on to the pitiful apple slices in the next section of the plate.
Knatt’s voice sounded strained, like someone had wound him too tight. “Are you going to tell me what you’ve learned so far?”
With a loud crunching sound, she finished her chunk of apple. “Well, for starters, I’ve learned that teenagers are assholes. Well, I guess I would say I relearned that. I’m sure I used to know it when I was one.”
On the other end, Knatt let out a frustrated cluck. “Is anything you’ve learned so far actually relevant to the case?”
“Sure it is.”
“Would you care to tell me what?”
“I don’t know, Knatt. The thing is, I don’t feel terribly compelled to share information with someone when I’m pretty sure that they’re withholding something from me.” She crunched on another piece of apple to give him a moment.
Finally, he sighed. She imagined the exasperated lines of his face growing taut on the other end. “Very well. Your activities in Montana have not gone unnoticed by the community at large. I received a call this morning from a member of the Order of Shadows.”
The sinking feeling she’d noticed at the beginning of their conversation intensified. “I see. So. Have they been monitoring me?”