I tune out the conversation around me and watch Mom and Dad speaking to Lucy and Anton. Anton seems happier after we spoke to Mom about his wish to take up photography. I know it’s wrong, but I envy them. I envy the fact that they don’t have questions storming their brains. And I’m very glad they’re here. The thought of them dying while I continue living for centuries—if Grim never releases me from the contract—pierces my heart until my eyes smart with tears.
Eventually everyone will be gone. My family and my friends. I shove that thought inside the very far corner of my mind, and when Mom turns to look at me, my smile is back in place.
“I’m leaving for Florence after finals,” Lea says.
Those words yank me back to the conversation so hard my head reels. “What?” No. No. No. I know I have Reiner and Rolf, but this is Lea. She grounds me, understands me. Rolf is being weird, and Reiner has his full-time job in the summer.
She averts her eyes and begins to fiddle with the cloth napkin on her lap. “The gallery emailed me. I got the summer job.”
“But Lea—”
Her head jerks up, pinning me with a pleading look. I press my mouth shut. Lea has been chasing this job for months. This is a great reference for her university applications and experience for her future art curator career. And here I am being selfish.
“I’m happy for you.” She looks at me doubtfully. “Truly I am.” I want to throw myself on my bed and cry my eyes out.
“I won’t make it for the Mallorca trip,” Lea says.
Reiner slings his arm on Lea’s shoulder, tugs her closer. “I’ll visit you in Florence instead.”
“What about your mom and dad?” Lea asks him, her eyes wide, looking scared for him.
“Mom’s brother will be in town and will stay with us for the entire summer. That should help cool things down a bit.” He averts his eyes, the muscle in his jaw working furiously.
Rolf and I stare at each other. We sit close, hips practically brushing, but we might as well be continents apart. This is awkward.
I break eye contact with him and say, “We could all hang out before Lea leaves.”
“I have to work on Friday. Need the cash.” Reiner sips his orange juice.
I lean across the table and squeeze his shoulder. “How’s everything?”
He rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands. “Worse. I want to kill that bastard.” His voice is a harsh whisper.
I rear back and look at Mom and Dad. They don’t seem to have heard that declaration. Thank God. I’ve never heard Reiner speak about his father with such passionate hatred. Dark circles fringe his eyes, and his cheeks look sunken. When was the last time he slept?
As if sensing my thoughts, he says, “I’m fine. Mom and Lola are fine. That’s all that matters.” The pinch around his mouth says otherwise.
Minutes later Rolf, Reiner, and Dad are deep in conversation. Reiner’s phone shrills in a horse neigh ringtone. He excuses himself and moves to the edge of the garden, his head bent, whispering into his phone. Lea frowns at him, then turns and joins Mom and me to clear everything back to the kitchen and load the dishwasher.
I turn to Lea. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” She nods, and we move to the living room, settling on the couch.
“I’m sorry about yesterday. Me snapping at you at Zaynab’s was uncalled for and stupid. Please, don’t be mad at me. I don’t want you to leave for Florence with things hanging in the air.”
“Consider it forgotten. What’s really happening with you? You seem distracted and anxious all the time. You doze in class. Even your hair looks…frazzled. Is it school? Going through withdrawal? Need to see a therapist? Is it Ro?”
“Oh gosh, why does everyone think everything’s to do with Ro?”
She shrugs. “Because since you two met, you look at each other like the sun and moon rises and sets in each other’s eyes, and have you noticed how he touches you? Like he wants to breathe you in. Then when you two kiss, my God, it’s like—”
“Whoa, Lea, stop. Take a deep breath.”
She does, placing one hand on her chest as she draws air in and out.
“It’s not Ro. I feel all this pressure. Finals, Conservatory next week…” I trail off as she raises a perfectly tweezed eyebrow. I swallow the guilt choking me.
She studies me. “I could call you out on that lie, Ana, but I won’t. Talk to me when you’re ready.” She gives the bracelets on my wrists a tug and smiles brightly. “You and me. A treat to the spa before I leave.
I hug her. God, I love this girl. My best friend. And the fact that she didn’t insist… but I’m sure it won’t be for long. Going to the spa might just be a trap to loosen me up so I can spill the details. It’s not above her. She’s done it before.
I pull back, nodding. After almost losing my family, I promised myself to grab the chances as they come.
***
We’ve been playing volleyball, girls against guys. Thirty minutes down the line, the sun’s beaten us to the ground and we decide to take a break.
“Take a walk with me.” I look up to find Rolf standing beside me. I nod, take a long swig of water from my glass, and stand up.
He opens the gate, and I step out, tucking my hands inside my faded green shorts pockets. Skirting around a group of boys on wave boards, we stroll along the Danube River. Still walking in silence, we stroll by a playground full of children. Rollerbladers with bare chests, small shorts, and skimpy dresses zip by us. Cyclers whiz by.
Last Sunday evening when Rolf and I were here, I felt as if nothing could touch us. Today it feels anything but that.
As we start towards the steps that lead to the edge of the river, Rolf gives me a sidelong glance. “You’re scared of me.” The space between us feels like oceans apart, even after a round of volleyball. He doesn’t bridge it. Me neither.
I sigh. “You kissed me. You kissed me and the next minute almost smashed my face to the wall. Can you blame me?”
He rubs his neck with one hand, shakes his head, and drops his hand. “I’m sorry. Look, can we please just walk for a short while. I want to talk to you about everything. Just not today.”
I halt. “When? What’s going on with you?”
“I don’t know.”
I want to punch something. “What do you mean you don’t know? I can’t live in fear, always wondering if you’re going to get weird on me.” I fill my lungs with air. “I need to know what’s going on, Ro.”
“I’d never hurt you, Engel. Never.”
“You almost did.”
He squeezes his eyes shut. A vein pumps furiously on his jaw, as he repeats in a fierce whisper, “I’d never hurt you.” He opens his eyes. The momentary gleam in them vanishes. “I’m trying to understand this, what’s happening to me. We’ll talk soon. I promise.”
“I’m getting tired of promises,” I mutter.
Rolf frowns, then clears his throat. “I wanted to talk to you about something else. Alone.”
I drop my arms to my sides. He reaches for my hand, pausing, as if asking for permission. I’m tired of fighting, tired of everything. As soon as his hand curls around mine, something inside of me unfolds. I melt to his touch.
After a few moments of walking in silence I say, “You said you wanted to talk.”
“In a minute.” Thunder rumbles softly in the distance.. According to the weather forecast, a storm is expected today after three days of excessive heat.
I lead Rolf to the steps going down to the river, eager to dip my feet in the water. At the same time my heart pounds at the thought. He tugs me back, peers at me, and frowns.
“We don’t need to sit down there. The bench will do.”
I shake my head. “I have to get over this sometime.”
Even as we sit on the steps, he keeps his hand around mine like he’s afraid of letting go.
“I’m fine, really.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “Yeah, you look it.”
Once we’re seated on the steps,
Rolf slips his feet from his flip-flops and dunks them in the water. I take a deep breath, slip my feet from my flip-flops, and touch the water with the tip of my toes.
The rise and fall of the water snags me. I try to shake away the memory I’ve been trying to escape for my entire childhood, but it traps me in its talons. I’m mesmerised and horrified at the same time. I’m floating, sinking, dying. My head pops above the water once, then submerges. I scream. Water rushes through my mouth and nose. I can’t get enough air in my lungs, just the damn chlorine-filled water.
Warm hands cup my face. Warm, familiar hands pull me back to the present.
“Look at me, Ana.” Fingers travel up and down my cheeks. “You’re okay. I’m here. See. Focus, Engel. Take deep breaths.”
That voice, those fingers yank me from my nightmarish memory. I suck in a deep breath, focusing on Rolf’s eyes, dark with worry. I avert my eyes to my leg now perched on Rolf’s lap.
He hauls me to his lap and hugs me to his chest. “Damn it, Ana, I die a thousand times every time you go through that memory.”
WHEN I WAS NINE YEARS OLD, the memory of being drowned was branded in my brain for life. Tuesday, our usual swimming lessons. Our class had gone to the local indoor pool. The instructor hadn’t arrived to begin our lessons. Lea stepped out to go to the bathroom. Two boys in my class shuffled forwards on bare feet. Throughout the term, they’d been calling me all sorts of names because of my parentage, and I’d been too scared to tell Mom and Dad. If I did, Mom would worry and transfer me to another school, which meant leaving Lea, so I kept my mouth shut.
The two boys leapt forwards and quickly tied my ankles and hands with a rope while my other classmates watched, too scared to do anything. They must have hidden the rope well because I hadn’t noticed it before. When they finished their handiwork, they pushed me off the pool’s ledge. By the time I emerged from unconsciousness, I was in the hospital. Turns out they’d been bullying anyone they considered weak or not Austrian enough for them. They were expelled from school.
The tightening of the arms around my waist draws me back to the present. “Let’s go sit on the bench. I need to talk to you, and I can’t do it with you trembling like that.”
I release my grip on Rolf’s T-shirt, detaching myself from his chest. “I’ll be fine. I just need a minute.”
Rolf sighs. “I should’ve known you’d say that.” The arms tighten some more. If he was to pull me any tighter, I’m sure we’d mesh and become one.
Waves lap gently against the wall. A family of ducks swims by leisurely, ducking their heads under the water and out again. I envy them. They seem so trouble-free, just swim, eat, sleep, and chase each other.
“Dad asked me to go with him on his next trip.” Rolf’s voice rumbles from inside his chest.
My body stiffens, and I lean back to look at his face. “When?”
“In three weeks.” He drops his hands from my waist and tangles our fingers together, his gaze on our linked fingers. “To Japan.”
“That’s really great, Ro. I’m so happy for you.” My voice sounds wooden, dead, and my breathing sounds forced in my own ears. I lean in and brush my lips on his cheek. “How long?”
“The entire summer.” I won’t see him, won’t see Lea, and Reiner will be working the whole summer. My sense of normalcy is quickly diminishing. “I know the distance is huge but we’ll talk all the time, right?”
I look at him—really look at him. His eyes seem more alive than I’ve ever seen them. The lines that sometimes haunt his face have faded. This is the chance he’s been longing for. Just him and his father. I should be happy for him. I am happy for him. Then why do I feel as if my feet have been swept out from under me?
“It’s okay, really. This is your chance with your dad. I’m happy for you, Ro.” I snap my mouth shut, swallowing the words choking me.
Rolf exhales, brushing his lips on the nape of my neck, and I shiver. “Thank you.”
“If you go falling in love with the girls over there, I’ll kick your butt. Personally.”
He laughs. “I’d like to see you try. And I have eyes only for you, Engel. Always you.” His laughter fades as his gaze drops to my mouth, then back up. His eyes darken, filling with deep passionate hunger. Air jams in my chest.
His fingers untangle from mine, tracing up my arms, my neck, my jaw, before he brushes his thumb on my lips. Goose bumps rush up my skin. Thunder rolls in the distance. A drop of rain thwacks my arm, momentarily cooling me. Without breaking eye contact, his other hand slips around my neck, pulling me closer. I’m ensnared, helpless, like a rabbit caught in a tiger’s hypnotizing eyes. If the world was to split into two right now, I wouldn’t care. His mouth hovers over mine for several heartbeats, his breath fanning my cheeks. “Thank you.” Several raindrops land on his forehead, sliding down his face.
“We should go back,” I say, shifting my face slightly to the side.
His lips graze my cheek. He sighs and slips one hand at the nape of my neck, holding my head in place, then leans his forehead to mine. His breathing comes and goes quickly, just like mine. Rainwater clings on his full eyelashes. “You and me. Always. I’ll come back to you. And I promise to talk to you about everything.” The hand on my face falls away. He shifts from side to side as if trying to adjust his sitting position.
“Sorry.” I giggle, lifting my butt from his lap to sit on the soaking wet step.
The hand on my neck tightens. “Don’t move. Not yet.”
“We need to get out of the rain.” As I twist to stand, my hand brushes his lap. Oh. Oh boy. Heat rises in my face. I turn away and scramble to my feet. “We—we should go.” Why am I shy all of a sudden? It’s not like it’s never happened before. It has. Often.
“Look at me, Engel.”
I do, through rain streaming down my face. He pushes the thick drenched curls from my face. My hair will be a beast after it dries, but I don’t care.
“I desire you and no one else.” Joy gushes through me. We’ve spoken about sex before. I never felt ready to venture, and Rolf being the gentleman he is, told me we had all the time in the world. Maybe it’s all this rain and frustration in the air that makes everything feel so different, urgent. His hand leaves my face. When I turn, he’s holding a small blue box.
“What’s that?” I shift so I can get a proper look.
“I never pictured doing this in murdering rain, but…” He snaps the box open. I gasp. Rolf gingerly removes the bracelet, puts the box aside, and grasps my hand. “My love for you isn’t measurable by material things, but I would like you to have this to remember me by in the days we won’t be together.”
“Rolf…,” I say as he clasps the bracelet around my wrist. I run my fingertips along the smooth blue and grey stones. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.” And deliciously intense. I stare at him through blurry eyes, rain mingled with tears. “Always you.” My voice is a shaky whisper. If only my wish to know what’s going on with him will be granted soon.
By the time we leave, the sun peeks through the grey clouds, the clothes stick on our bodies, and I’m walking on air.
***
I jolt awake to the sound of my own snoring. The class erupts into a discordant choir of laughter, which heightens my loathing for Mondays.
Way to go, Ana. You snagged the position of the class clown of the day.
I look down at my hand and groan as I watch drool slide to the desk. I wipe my mouth with my other hand. In front of the class, Herr Bauer glares, his eyebrows almost touching his nose. I sink lower in my seat, my face heating up. He turns his thin frame to face the board and continues scribbling whatever I interrupted. The attention shifts to the front of the class, and I allow air in my lungs.
Last night Grim and I must have gone to over ten places, and every collection was as heart wrenching as the next.
I brace my pounding head with one hand, more to keep it from falling off than in concentration. My eyes alternate between the board and my notebook. I’
m just glad Rolf will tutor me tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll be ready for exams on Wednesday.
Speaking of Rolf…
I glance over my shoulder one desk behind me and raise my eyebrows at Reiner. He shakes his head. He hasn’t seen or spoken to Rolf, either. He hasn’t replied to any of my texts. Wherever he is, I hope he’s safe.
The air inside the room shifts. My hand drops from my head, as I look around and zoom in on the slouching figure at the back of the class, and groan.
Zig is rapidly proving to be the bane of my existence. He smiles and waves, looking very proud of himself. I ignore him and face Herr Bauer, my heart pounding. Is there no way to stop this guy? Does he even listen?
What’s he up to? I dart a quick look over my shoulder. Zig struts confidently towards me. Before he reaches my desk, I shoot to my feet, excuse myself to the bathroom, and scurry out of the room, ignoring the teacher’s glare.
I head straight inside the girls’ bathroom. As soon as the door closes, I turn around and slam into Zig’s chest. “Gah!” I leap away from him. After checking under the stall doors and finding them empty, I round on him. “I’m in class, Zig. Studying for my exams. What do you want?”
He folds his arms across his chest and shrugs. “To rescue you, lovely. You were dying of boredom in there.”
My eyes blink open. “I was trying to concentrate.”
“You were snoring and drooling.”
I clench my jaw. Really, what does one say after being caught drooling? I lean back on the sink and rub my temples. “I can’t deal with you right now.”
Zig leans forwards, raises his eyebrows, and smiles. “I’m bearing gifts.” He hands me something wrapped in flimsy wrapping paper. “Your trench. Rikar says hi.”
At the mention of the tailor, I shudder. “Thanks.” I rub the light-as-air material, inspecting the tiny compartments for the soul vials while ignoring his eyes on me. My stomach twists as the truth of holding the trench in my hands hits me. It cements everything. What I am, not what I will become. “Doesn’t protect much during winter, does it?” I say in a quiet voice.
Reaper's Novice (Soul Collector #1) Page 14