She pulled into the parking lot of their apartment complex. It brought back a surge of memories for her. Gray got off his bike and in the setting sun he looked so handsome that it made her chest ache. No matter what we go through, I feel as if I will always need him, he is the one for me.
They didn’t talk as they walked up to the apartment. The foyer looked the same and some of the faces even looked similar. As they walked down the hallway toward their apartment, Kristie felt déjà vu wash over her. If things had been different, then she never would have had to leave.
Gray unlooked the door and they stepped inside. The place was sealed up like a tomb. There were no open windows letting any of the setting sun in. Kristie felt strange walking into the living room.
“Place feels different,” she said, hoping her tone seemed neutral.
“It’s like a tomb,” Gray admitted. “I know.”
“Why is that?”
“I only sleep here. It feels wrong doing anything else here…without you.”
Kristie hesitated and looked over her shoulder at him. “You spend so little time here?”
Gray looked suddenly uncomfortable, and Kristie couldn’t help but wonder what he had been doing lately. Was he still chasing after Armand? She hadn’t seen Armand since that day at the bar. She didn’t like to think about it but sometimes she did for therapy. His snake-like eyes in the bathroom, staring her down. If she couldn’t sleep, sometimes she imagined Gray in the hallway, torn between coming for his wife and chasing after Armand. Always making the wrong choice. The sudden yelps and screams of people surprised by the Infernos in the bar and the sound of Rick being punched…
“Kristie?”
She was snapped out of her memories and walked into the dining room. This, too, felt empty and soulless. The separation was hurting Gray more than she realized. It was sucking out tiny pieces of Gray and spitting them out. He had no one looking after him. Kristie was trying to get better. What was he trying to do?
She sat down at the kitchen table and Gray sat across from her. He looked tired and pensive, as if he wanted to say a lot but was unsure of what to say. She fell silent and waited for him to speak.
***
“Do you want anything to drink?” Gray finally asked, breaking the silence.
“That’d be great, thanks.”
Gray got up, thankful for the chance to get out of the dining room. This had been a mistake. There was nothing relaxing about this. He suddenly saw the apartment through Kristie’s eyes and could see what she saw. That all he did was come here to sleep and maybe eat in the morning. If she needed any proof that Gray was still deeply involved in the Devil’s Advocates, the pathetic loneliness of the apartment proved it.
In the past six months, instead of distancing himself from the group, like Kristie had wanted and Rick had suggested, he had been throwing himself into it fully. He had been filling the ranks again. He still hadn’t figured out who had told Armand about the bomb idea. But he had recruited seven new members. The gang had never been larger. They were going to keep growing and strike back.
If Kristie knew that Gray was only growing more involved in the battle between the Infernos and the Devil’s Advocates, she’d never come back to him. But Gray wanted both his group and Kristie. He didn’t want to settle for a life without her. Seeing her standing in the living room, looking beautiful and bringing a light to the empty apartment made him realize that he had to get her back. He had to be with her, somehow, in some way.
“Gray?”
“Coming, sorry.”
He hurried and got her a glass of water. He was struggling mentally, trying to find a safe conversation they could talk about that wouldn’t lead to the gang. Maybe if he brought up Megan again. The baby had been so cute. But Kristie might just dwell on not having a child of her own yet. He felt frustrated.
Gray handed her the water and she took a sip. This time he sat down next to her, instead of across from her, so it wouldn’t feel so much like an interview.
“How has…therapy been?” he asked and then felt stupid for asking something so personal. She’s your wife, he reminded himself.
Kristie smiled. “Actually, it’s going well. We’ve been sort of going over the last couple of years in depth, seeing what I need to work on. It’s hard but…I think it is best in the long run.”
“Do you guys…talk about the shooting?”
Gray didn’t like bringing up the shooting. But the more he thought about it during their separation, the more he wondered if he should have brought it up more after it had happened. If he should have made Kristie talk about it instead of having her panic over every small thing and just let her fall deeper into the hole of fear. Maybe if he had tried to get her to open up about it and discuss it, things wouldn’t have gotten so fucked up.
The words hung in the air for a moment, and Kristie ran a fingertip over the rim of the glass. “Yes. We do.”
“That’s good. Right? I mean…not good that it happened. Good that you two are discussing it.” Oh my god. What was wrong with him? He had never stumbled over his words like he was doing right at this moment and he felt like a complete idiot.
“It’s good to discuss it. I probably should have right when it happened but…I thought if I could ignore it, it would go away. I could pretend it never happened. I’d wake up from nightmares just reliving it. I’d have nightlights everywhere. Everywhere I went I would see some sort of threat. But I’m working through it. That is the most I can do.”
“I should have asked you about it. I should have made you talk about it.”
Kristie shook her head. “No. I wouldn’t have listened. I would have brushed you off. I would have said it was fine. It wasn’t until I was hiding in the bathroom that night that I realized how insane it all was. It was insane for you to go after Armand when I wanted you to come back for me, but it was also insane for me to be so afraid that I hid in a bathroom stall.”
Gray wasn’t sure what to say. He knew he should have headed right to Kristie after seeing Armand and protected her. But in his thinking at that moment, he was protecting her. He was going to take care of Armand right then and there. That was all that mattered. But he knew Kristie wouldn’t see it that way.
“Gray,” she said and her voice sounded funny. “I miss you.”
Gray’s heart skipped a beat. “I miss you, too.”
“I feel like you’ve completely closed me out. Like I can’t even get to you anymore. We meet up but we never talk. Not like…this. And I love you. I want to be with you. But I’m scared. Of getting back with you and getting wrapped up in gang violence again. I know you’re still a part of the gang. I know you still are going after Armand. I’m not an idiot,” she cut him off when he opened his mouth as if to protest. “I know that I demanded you leave right away and that was probably unfair on my part. But how can we raise a child together in this sort of vicious and violent cycle? It was selfish for me to expect if I got pregnant you would leave the gang behind and we would be okay.”
“Kristie…” he replied, his voice strangled.
She watched him with those bright eyes of hers.
***
Kristie’s heart felt as if it were hammering in her chest. She didn’t know what she wanted to say to Gray. All she knew was that she had spilled her heart out to him. She wanted him to open up as well. If he opens up, then I can hope. I can truly hope for us.
“Kristie,” he said again. “When my mom died as a kid, I felt so lost. I felt aimless. I started acting up in school. I didn’t care what happened to me or what happened in my future. I just wanted to feel alive. The more I thought about my mom’s death, the more it spurned me on to do crazy shit. When I was a teenager and I fell into the Devil’s Advocates, it truly felt like the next step. And more than that…it felt like a home.”
He looked up at her now and Kristie nodded, trying to show him that she was here for him.
He cleared his throat. “The gang became my life. We were like
brothers. We had different members then but our bond was strong. Even though…even though I know we did and still do illegal stuff, they felt like my family. I felt disconnected from my uncle. I still do, for the most part. Being with the Devil’s Advocates gave me a place to belong. When they voted me as their leader, I was their youngest leader ever. It made me so happy to have…succeeded in that fashion.” He shook his head. “I sound like an idiot.”
“No. Gray, please,” she urged. “Go on.”
“I took becoming a leader very seriously. I wanted to lead this group to greatness, as stupid as it sounds. Even when members left and new ones came in, I always took it seriously as ever. It was my life. Until you came.” He paused. “I love you. So much. When Armand shot you, I swear to you, my life was over, too. I thought if you died, I would die too. I find myself trying to leave what meant the most to me for almost my entire life and have you take its place. I know I can’t have both the gang and you. It’s just…harder to leave than I thought it would be. Especially after Armand did what he did to you.”
He finished and looked away from her. Kristie felt as if fingers were squeezing her chest. This was all she had wanted to hear from him. She wanted him to truly open to her and talk to her. To share with her. His secrets and desires now lay in front of her and all she wanted to do was kiss him.
So she did.
Kristie leaned across the table and kissed him. He stiffened, surprised by the sudden kiss but then he kissed her back. Kristie wanted to melt into him but the table was in the way. As if sensing this, Gray broke the kiss and dragged her chair over to his, so that they were facing each other. Then he kissed her.
The passionate kiss reminded her of their very first kiss, what felt like decades ago. It was different than all the times that they had been having sex just to try to become pregnant. It felt as if it were truly their connection shining through now.
Gray scooped her up and put her on the kitchen table. She sat on the edge and wrapped her arms around his neck as he kissed her deeply. Kristie felt her heart flutter as his fingertips ran underneath her shirt and along her back. Goose bumps broke out across her skin. His touch was electric. She had missed it.
Kristie took off his shirt, tossing it to the floor of the dining room. She ran her hands over his tight chest before flattening her hands against him. Gray kissed her hungrily as he began to undress her. He slid off her shorts and then moved onto his knees. Kristie shivered as he opened her legs and began to work his tongue along her wetness. He started off teasing her, and Kristie found herself lost in the pleasure.
Gray flicked his tongue along her before probing it gently inside of her. Kristie was moaning and had her fingers running through his hair. He felt amazing and was murmuring her name into her thighs. Kristie arched her back slightly as Gray worked his mouth on her.
Then she could feel herself already climaxing. The orgasm came hard and fast. Kristie moaned and let herself go to the sensations. Her eyelashes fluttered as she came, moaning Gray’s name loudly.
Gray moved away from the middle of her thighs and unzipped his own pants. He’s going to take me right here on the kitchen table. A thrill ran through her.
As he entered her, Kristie lay back down on the kitchen table and let the warmth fill her. She could feel it in slow, sensual waves along her body. She wrapped her legs around his waist, and he began to move inside of her.
For some reason, it felt better than it had ever felt before. It was as if the past was completely erased as they moved together. Gray put his hands on her hips and thrust inside of her hard and fast. Kristie moaned, arching her back and wiggling her hips against his thrusts. They moved perfectly in sync. It had been ages since they had been moving in sync together.
Sweat covered Gray’s body as he rocked inside of her. Kristie could feel her own sweat along her body. She could hear Gray grunting as he worked his way toward his orgasm. Suddenly, he moaned loudly and called her name as he came inside of her. His climax was strong, and he shuddered violently.
When he finally moved out of her, they were both out of breath. He held out his hand to her and helped her off the table. Kristie gazed up at him.
“Do you want to shower?”
Gray’s eyes glinted in joy as he nodded.
Chapter Ten
A week later, Gray woke up and rolled over. His hand brushed against soft skin and he opened his eyes. Kristie was sleeping soundly next to him. Seeing her in bed with him surprised him at first before he remembered that she had come over last night.
They had slept together again last night, and it had been just as nice as the first time they had done it. Afterward, Gray had held her tightly in his arms as her breathing slowed and she fell asleep. She slept soundly the entire night. Gray, on the other hand, had kept waking up. He couldn’t believe that she was there and in his arms. He kept waking up to see her because he thought that he was dreaming.
But no, Kristie was here. The last time she had stayed the night, he had become convinced that it was going to be some terrible trick. But it hadn’t been a fluke. She was here with him.
Kristie’s eyes fluttered. “Is it morning already?”
He shook his head. “Too early. Only close to six.”
She nodded and snuggled in closer to him. Gray’s heart skipped a beat as he held her tightly. They were still a long way from working out everything but the conversations they had been having had been helping. When he held her like this, with the sky still dark outside, he thought maybe everything would truly be okay.
***
Kristie didn’t get up until almost noon. It was unlike her, but she felt exhausted from the entire week. Knowing that she didn’t have to get up for work was nice. Being in Gray’s arms was even better.
For the first time since she could remember, when she got out of the shower, Gray was cooking. He was making a late breakfast. Kristie tried to recall if she had ever seen Gray cook before, but she was pretty sure he hadn’t. The effort was nice, even though she felt confident the pancakes would be burnt.
“Wow, for a second, I thought I stepped into some alternate reality,” she joked as she grabbed herself the orange juice out of the fridge.
“Hey!” He pretended to be offended. “I am an excellent cook. I’m so good that I rarely expose my talents, otherwise everyone would be bothering me all the time for my food.”
Kristie rolled her eyes, sitting up at the breakfast counter, yawning. The afternoon light shone through the open window in the living room. She couldn’t believe that it was summer yet again. The seasons seemed to come and go all so quickly that she couldn’t keep up.
“Any plans for today?” he asked her.
“I was wondering if we could hang out.” She hoped she didn’t sound too desperate.
But Gray beamed. “Sounds good to me.”
Kristie exhaled, realizing how nervous she had been stating something that simple. For some reason, she had been worried that Gray would have said no. The fact that they were slowly working through their issues had her so excited that she felt like her heart would pop.
Of course, her mother wasn’t happy with the fact she was seeing Gray again. The lectures the past week had become almost unbearable. She knew that her mother meant well but it was still frustrating to listen to.
“Kristie, I can’t believe this. He’s dangerous. I really thought we were moving on from this.”
Irritated, she had snapped, “Mom, there isn’t a ‘we’ in this. This is about my marriage. It doesn’t have to do with you.”
“It does, Kristie. It does when it involves my daughter at risk for injury.”
“Mom. I’m not discussing it with you.”
But her mom hadn’t dropped it. She had kept talking about it throughout the evening until Kristie couldn’t take it anymore. She had asked Gray if she could come over. Instead of feeling like a married woman, she felt like a teenager trying to escape from her parents.
Her mother was furious and watched stoni
ly as Kristie packed an overnight bag. She had been hoping to guilt Kristie into staying but when it became obvious that she was leaving, she broke down and asked for a goodbye hug. Kristie gave in, not wanting to leave her mother too upset.
On the way out, her mom had gingerly pulled on her T-shirt and said, “Oh, sweetie, you should get a bigger size next time, too, okay?”
That had pissed Kristie off even more. She had regretted the hug but kept her rage inside. Driving away from her mom’s house and her tiny little jabs about her weight, Kristie had been thrilled to see Gray.
Now the possibility of returning there seemed to darken her mood. It hung over her actions and made her feel like a small kid. She hated feeling this way. It was like she had her feet in two different worlds.
“Earth to Kristie!”
Gray snapped her out of her dark thoughts. She blinked and saw him holding a carton of eggs.
“Sorry. I’m still waking up.”
He eyed her as if he didn’t completely believe her but he didn’t press the conversation. Instead he began to make eggs for her. No matter what her mother said, Kristie was going to make sure she enjoyed this breakfast with Gray.
***
“No, man, I can’t,” Rick was saying on the other end of the phone. “Megan came home with Kass only a few days ago. Kass wants to go house hunting all day tomorrow. With Megan, too, as if she has fully formed opinions already.”
“Okay, I understand. Maybe next week,” Gray said and the conversation ended.
He had been relieved when Rick had told him that they were only going to move two hours away instead of across the country. Yes, it would be harder to see Rick. But he wasn’t sure how he would have been able to handle things if Rick had left completely. He knew it sounded selfish to think that way. But Rick was his best friend and he couldn’t imagine a life without him.
Originally Gray had been wanting for Rick to come out with him to scout locations to build a new bar. That had been the next thing on his to-do list. He had even told Kristie that he was looking to build a new bar for the gang. She had simply nodded but Gray wasn’t fooled. She was probably going to bring it up in the next therapy session.
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