by D T Dyllin
“No,” I snapped, jumping into an already closing elevator heading up. Several people glared at me as the doors reopened and closed. No matter how I tried to talk myself down, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong. I tripped exiting the elevator, almost face planting, but it didn’t slow me down one bit. I had to get to Kyle. I had to see with my own eyes that she was okay in order for my nerves to calm.
I sucked in a sharp breath as I entered the suite. My gaze immediately zeroed in on the broken bedroom door that was hanging off the hinges. “Kyle!” I bellowed. “Billy!” Please let her be okay…please let her be okay…please God let her be okay…
I was across the floor and in the bedroom, just in time to see Billy take down the bathroom door like he’d apparently taken down the bedroom door. I didn’t say a word, I just pushed past him, my heart in my throat. I didn’t know what to make of what I was seeing. The full length mirror that’d been on the wall was shattered—pieces of long blonde hair were strewn about and everything was covered in blood. I struggled to breath, stumbling over to the shower, which was running, to pull open the glass door.
“NO!” I roared. Kyle was lying at the bottom of the shower, eyes closed, with blood leaking down from a gouge in her left wrist. Her lips were tinged blue. “No, no, no, no, no…” I dropped to my knees, feeling for a pulse. “Kyle, darlin’, come on, don’t do this to me.” I lifted my head to meet Billy’s eyes. “Call 911. Now.”
“I already did.”
When? When had he? I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around Kyle’s wrist as tight as I could, twisting it and then tying it off. “Clothes—I need—”
Billy handed me a pair off my sweats and a t-shirt for Kyle. I turned off the shower and dried her the best that I could, covering her naked body. EMTs rushed into the room just as I was setting her on the bed. “Make sure no one takes any pictures and don’t let anyone else in here,” I barked at Billy. He nodded and turned away.
I watched as the EMTs checked her vitals. One of them lifted his head to meet my gaze. “She’s alive, and we’re going to do our best to keep her that way.” I exhaled a shuddery breath. She was alive. She was alive. I wanted to drop to my knees and thank the heavens—Pray to God for not taking her from me.
Time shifted abruptly for me, like I blinked and the EMTs had already loaded Kyle up on a stretcher, oxygen mask attached, as they ran at top speed from the room. Kyle’s bloody engagement ring glittered at me from the bathroom counter, one of the small stones left untarnished. On impulse I snatched it up and put it in my pocket, the thought that she’d taken it off making everything seem worse somehow. Like the ring was accusing me of something. I followed, stumbling, in a daze after the stretcher, my eyes locked onto Kyle’s small helpless form.
I failed her again. I couldn’t keep her safe. If she dies, it’s my fault.
43
~Noah
How am I here at the hospital again with Kyle? How? How the fuck am I here again? And again she almost died? She looked so small, so vulnerable. I’d seen her like that too much lately. Somewhere in there was the girl who was a fighter. She’d just lost herself somewhere along the way. It was my job to help find her to fix her—I’d failed. I’d fuckin’ failed.
Her arm was bandaged, the bleeding stopped. A transfusion had been made. Now she was lying there, eyes closed, face pale, and unmoving. The doctor said she’d be fine, but I needed for Kyle to look at me and tell me herself. Until then, I couldn’t breathe. My chest was too tight, oxygen refusing to enter my lungs. Why would she do this? Why had she tried to take her own life? I’d barely been able to keep it together at the hotel. The scene that met me stirred up my PTSD. Even now, I was struggling not to completely fall to pieces. I have to be strong for Kyle. No excuses. No excuses. NO FUCKIN’ EXCUSES. And yet I hadn’t stopped making excuses for her. I could see that now.
I hung my head, forced to face the truth. Kyle wasn’t well. Did her suicide attempt have something to do with her body dysmorphic disorder? Or was it something more? I stood and gently ran my hands through her butchered hair. She didn’t so much as twitch. I let this happen to her. It’s my fault. When will I stop failing her?
I hadn’t been able to see past my own pain ten years ago, and I hadn’t been able to see past my own issues the second time around. Kyle needed me. She’d needed me so many times and in so many different ways and I hadn’t been there. I’d left her to face her demons on her own because I wasn’t strong enough to tackle mine.
I sagged back into the chair by her bed, taking her hand in mine. “I’m so sorry,” I choked out. “So sorry. I swear to you—I swear—you come back to me and I’ll stop failing you. I’ll do anything—just come back to me.”
I was the one who should have seen how wrong everything was in Kyle’s life—with her. It wasn’t just the body dysmorphic disorder or the blackbird thing or even the drugs. Kyle’s friends were the who’s who of country music. I use the term friend loosely, not that they didn’t all seem like genuinely nice people. Or that they didn’t care about Kyle on some level. But Kyle wouldn’t have been so lonely if those people were real. The kind of lives they all lived took a lot out of people. I saw it in their eyes at the listening party. Some of them had the same look of veterans fresh from war. The difference between me and Kyle was that I’d had people who I could count on—Billy for one. All she really had was me and I hadn’t been there for her. No one, I don’t care who you are, is that strong of a person. “You come back to me, darlin’, just give me one more chance. Just one more and I won’t fail you ever again.”
“Noah?”
I sat up, meeting Kyle’s confused green gaze. “What—” She squeezed her eyes shut suddenly. “Oh. I—” Tears slipped down her face. “I’m the blackbird.”
“What?”
“You couldn’t figure out who was doing all those things to me because it was me all along. I’m the blackbird. I just wanted to fly. I wanted my freedom. Part of me just forgot to tell the rest of me.”
“From what?” I rasped. “From me?” Did she regret rekindling our relationship? I wasn’t sure my heart couldn’t handle it if that was the case.
“No.” She met my gaze again. “I’ll always want to be with you. In a way that was part of it. I’m tired, Noah. Tired of being Kylie James the country music star. I just want to be Kylie James the woman. And your wife.” She sucked in a ragged breath. “But of course that’s too late now. I went and fucked everything up.” Her green eyes dipped away from mine as if she was ashamed.
I shook my head, the words trapped in my throat. She’d done all those things? Why? Because she couldn’t see any other way out? “I love you, Kyle, no matter what. We’re gonna get you better, I promise. You don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do. Give it all up. Walk away. None of that shit matters to me. I just want you. You didn’t fuck it all up. I did. I didn’t see how bad you were hurtin’. I’ll help you get through whatever it is you’re goin’ through. I won’t let you down again.”
“That’s good to hear,” a tall elderly woman said as she entered the room. She was in what I would call a power suit. Silver streaked her brunette hair. I stood and she offered me her hand. “I’m Anne Montgomery. Marie called me. She’s in the waiting room. She gave your security the go ahead to come back here. Although I thought I’d just be talking to Noah since no one knew you were awake yet, Kylie. I wanted to get a genuine feel for what I’d be dealing with.”
I tilted my head in question but before I could say a word, she continued. “Kylie obviously had a psychotic break. I already talked to Billy, good guy by the way, he filled me in on what he saw at the hotel, and his suspicions that Kylie was behind the blackbird harassments. The fact that Kylie is already lucid and remembers what happened is a very encouraging sign. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop by the way.” She winked at me. “Or what I mean, Kylie seems aware of her actions…now. I can help her. I run the best rehab and counseling center in the country, at least i
n my opinion.” She chuckled good-naturedly. “I’d be personally overseeing Kyle’s treatment. I specialize in cases like hers. It’s why Marie contacted me. We’ve been friends for a long time. The business you’re in—it breaks a lot of people. No one would have to know what happened tonight. My staff is paid very well to keep quiet. I believe that Kylie’s break was aided by all the drugs she was taking. It depletes the serotonin in your system making pre-existing conditions worse and causing ones that weren’t there before. The break may not have happened for a long time or not at all if not for…the extensive habit.”
I was still reeling from what she’d said about Billy’s suspicions. It explained a lot of his reactions to things that had been happening lately. But why hadn’t he talked to me? I mentally kicked myself for even asking that question. He probably thought I wouldn’t believe him, which would have been the case. “But her system was flushed—” I started to protest, snapping back to the present.
“The damage was already done. If Kylie has any other preexisting disorders then there’s already an imbalance there. A lower amount of serotonin to start with.”
“How did you know I have a disorder?” Kyle asked, eyes wide.
“Your symptoms told me. I’m really good at what I do. I told you, it’s my specialty. So how about it? Will you let me help you?”
44
~Kylie
“How long do you think I will have to be there?” I asked Anne. As if I could argue my time down. Who was I kidding? I knew she was right. I’d snapped. Had a complete fucking break down, like so many celebrities before me.
“Hard to say, but at least six months. You’re handling this very well, I might add. It’s very encouraging and suggests a very quick treatment period. Plus—” She pointedly nodded at Noah. “It seems you have a rock solid support system in him…and Marie. I know she doesn’t show it the way others do, but trust me when I say that woman cares a lot about you. Enough to say that she’ll support you giving up your life in the spotlight. That makes the difference in a lot of cases between success and failure. We still will need time to deal with your addiction problem and the counseling will help with the rest of your…issues. The drugs were the catalyst, Kylie. Your hormones, and brain chemistry have been altered. You’re lucky things weren’t worse.”
Worse? How could they have been worse? I gulped. “Okay. When—when—would I leave for treatment?”
“As soon as you’re discharged from the hospital with a clean bill of health. I’ll leave you two alone. I’m going to go over details with Marie. She’ll take care of all the arrangements. We really just needed you to agree.”
I nodded. “Okay,” I said again. I had nothing else really to say.
After Anne left, Noah sat on the edge of the bed and took my hand within his. I felt so tiny next to him. “I’d be lyin’ if I said a part of me wasn’t pissed. You should have told me—fuck, Kyle.” His voice broke and his gaze darted away from me for a second before his baby blues were back on me and blazing. “Don’t ever fuckin’ think you can check out on me like that. I would have died right there on the bottom of that shower with you.”
I remembered thinking he would be better off without me. “Noah—I got things so jumbled in my head. I was so confused—I still am. I just—” How did I explain to him any of it?
“Then you should have talked to me. There’s nothin’ you could do or say to turn me away from you, don’t you know that by now?”
I wanted to believe him so desperately. “But you let me walk out the door—”
“I was a stupid kid. Now that I have you back, I’m never lettin’ you go again.”
“You really mean it?” I lifted my uninjured arm to run through my mangled locks. “Now my outside matches my fucked up inside. Why would you want to deal with any of that?”
“The heart wants what the heart wants. And darlin’, mine wants you.”
I sniffled. I couldn’t help it. I’d thought I’d lost him. Even when he came back into my life I never quite believed he was there to stay. I still wasn’t sure if I could. “Noah I want to believe you but I’m not so sure I can. How can I trust anyone else when I can’t even trust myself?” I’d convinced myself Noah was cheating on me. I’d thought he was flirting with someone who didn’t even exist at the listening party. I couldn’t trust my own mind. I didn’t know what had been real and what hadn’t with Noah since he’d re-entered my life.
“Look here.” He cupped my face within his large hands. “You and me, we’ve been through a lot of shit together. You know me, Kyle. You know me. Don’t you get it? I love you—what’s on the inside, not what you look like.”
“But I’m broken inside.”
“So am I…without you. Fuck, Kyle. Just trust me, please. Trust me like you used to.”
I thought back to the little boy that I’d developed an instant crush on. The same boy that had been my first real kiss, or the first one I counted. He’d been the first boy I’d had sex with, and the first boy I’d been in a relationship with. I did know him. I was pretty sure I knew him better than myself, especially now. “I trust you, Noah. I trust you.” I couldn’t not. I had to take the leap of faith. I had nothing left to lose and everything to gain.
Noah smiled, stretching the small scar on his chin. I leaned up and kissed it. “You just get healthy for me, okay, darlin’? You get healthy, and when you have everythin’ straightened out, I’ll be here waitin’—waitin’ to be your husband. If that’s what you still want.”
“Of course I still want that. You’re kind of the only thing I know for sure I want anymore.”
“All right then. We have a plan.” He dipped his hand into his pocket and produced my engagement ring. It was freshly cleaned, and sparkled like the hope that was again glimmering inside of me. He gently slipped the ring back on my finger. “Anytime you have doubts about us—just look down at your finger and remember that I never really let you go. And don’t—” His voice cracked. “—don’t ever take it off again.”
“I won’t.” My eyes fluttered, exhaustion finally taking hold of me again. Or maybe it was just relief. Relief that I still had Noah, or realization that I’d never not had him. Either way, I slipped into unconsciousness, where, for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t plagued by nightmares. All I saw was Noah.
Epilogue
~Noah
~Six months later
I liked Kylie, the girl I call Kyle, from the first moment I laid eyes on her. Somewhere between first collision and first kiss, she stole my heart. Everything between then and now doesn’t really matter. I’ll love her until the day I die, and probably beyond. She makes me go. Life without her isn’t living. I discovered that the hard way. That’s why I didn’t care how broken she was when I got her back, I only cared about fixing her.
Today, after six long months of her being in treatment, she came home to me. It’s the happiest day of my life. The tough stuff isn’t over, far from it, I know that, but Kyle is going to be my wife again. Nothing can lessen that joy for me.
And I can tell she’s actually going to be okay this time because I found some lyrics she’s been working on. If Kyle is consistent about one thing in her life, it’s that her music is a glimpse into her state of mind. She may not know what she wants to do with the rest of her life yet, besides be with me, but her words tell me that she’s okay with that. She’s finally in a good place—we’re in a good place, and I’m determined to never let us sabotage our own happiness again.
Sometimes you have to spiral all the way down
Before your sanity can be found
There is no good without bad
Smiles without sad
I’ve found my peace
My new lease
On life…
Our life.
I think Hell exists on Earth. It’s a psychological state, or it can be a physical state. People who have severe mental illness are in Hell. People who have lost a loved one are in Hell. I think there are all different
kinds of hells. It’s not a place you go to after you die. ~Al Franken
Body Dysmorphic Disorder affects one in 100 people and can drive its sufferers to suicide.
NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Helpline:
800-950-6264
For more information:
www.nami.org
One in three returning troops are being diagnosed with serious Post-Traumatic Stress symptoms. Less than 40% will seek help.
PTSD Veteran Helpline:
1-877-717-PTSD (7873)
For more information:
www.ptsdusausa.org
Acknowledgements
Boy, my acknowledgements are super redundant. *lesigh * But just because I write practically the same thing in all of them doesn’t mean I love or appreciate anyone any less than authors with kick ass acknowledgements. It just means that by the time I finish a book my creativity is temporarily spent. Apparently that includes thinking up unique things to say here. Sooo… without farther ado…
This is the part where I get to thank all the people who made this book possible. I really hope I don’t leave out someone important. I know I say something similar in all of my acknowledgements, but Holy Cow, Batman! The thought of forgetting to thank someone important is SUPER stressful. It’s like when your mind goes blank when trying to take an important test. *pulls the covers over my head* But here I go anyways…as usual… EEP!
First I’d like to thank my amazing Hubby, who is supportive and patient beyond the realm of what I imagine any normal man is . . . dah dah da duuuh . . . Super Hubby! (Copy and paste! I’m just going to put that in every book because it makes him smile.)
Next I would like to thank my parents for encouraging my love of reading and crazy imagination during my most impressionable years. Carnegie Library rocks! (Again...copy and paste! Lol)