The Hitwoman Hunts a Ghost (Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman)

by JB Lynn

“I need you to find something.”

  I thought about challenging her assumption that I was ready and willing to do her bidding, but was afraid what that might mean to my safety.

  “How can I help you?” I chirped in my best Insuring the Future professional voice.

  “I need you to find a dog.”

  My hands stilled over the keyboard. I’d been asked by mobsters to kill people, but I’d never fielded a dog request before. “Any special kind of dog?”

  “A missing dog.”

  “I thought you saw everything,” I blurted out without thinking about what the ramifications might be for the flippant comment.

  The icy silence that emanated from Ms. Whitehat indicated that she wasn’t amused.

  My stomach churned nervously.

  Finally she spoke, her tone even colder than usual. “This is a very important dog and it’s paramount he’s found.”

  Suddenly the image on my computer screen flickered and the Insuring the Future logo was replaced with the image of a little white dog with curly hair and big black eyes.

  Freaked out that the shadowy organization had enough control to attack Future’s system, I spun around in my chair to spot the culprit. I came up empty.

  “This is your target”.” Ms. Whitehat’s tone was matter-of-fact, like it was normal to send a hitwoman after a dog.

  Staring at the cute, trusting face of my four-legged target, bile rose in my throat. “I can’t kill a dog.”

  “Who asked you to kill it?” Whitehat sounded as horrified as I felt. “I don’t want it dead. I want it returned. Track it and catch it.”

  “I really don’t have any expertise as a dog catcher,” I said carefully. “I wouldn’t even know where to start looking.”

  “You own a dog.”

  “Yes, but”—”

  “A dog, I believe, that had been owned by a contract killer who went by the name Gary the Gun.”

  I winced as she reminded me none-too-subtly that she had the upper hand since she knew I’d killed Gary the Gun. (But it was self-defense….sort of.)

  “I have faith in your rather unusual abilities, Ms. Lee. I have no doubt you’ll be able to perform this task.”

  “I’ll try,” I said weakly.

  “Good. And you won’t be working alone.”

  “I won’t?”

  “No, you’re being paired up with a partner for this assignment.”

  “Does he have experience as a dog catcher?”

  “No, she doesn’t.”

  I didn’t really understand why two people who didn’t have a clue what they were doing would be better than one clueless soul, but I wasn’t about to argue.

  “Your partner will contact you soon.”

  “How will I know who she is?”

  “She’ll introduce herself,” Whitehat drawled drily. “Now thank me for calling Insuring the Future.”

  “What?”

  “Your boss is coming.” My computer screen switched over to an already completed claim form screen.

  “They record these calls you know.” I could just imagine trying to explain this conversation during my monthly audit with Harry.

  Miss Whitehat chuckled. “We can circumvent the phone system and your computer. I think we can handle deleting this call. Now, stick with your script and thank me for calling.”

  “Thank you for calling Insuring the Future,” I said obediently. “Have a nice day.”

  I hit SEND as the unmistakable of odor of pepperoni teased my nostrils. I knew, without turning, that Harry stood directly behind me.

  “I need to talk to you in my office,” Harry said. “Now.”

  Still shaken by the phone call, I followed him to his office without thinking twice. As he closed the door, I wondered if Whitehat had the room under surveillance.

  “You have to talk to her for me,” Harry practically begged.

  “Her?” I asked, confused.

  “Armani. She told me she needs some time to give me my Scrabble reading. Do you know what that means?”

  I watched my boss pace nervously across the length of his office. Granted, it was only five paces, but he milked it for all it was worth. “That she needs some time?”

  He shook his head. “No. It means it’s bad news and she’s just trying to figure out how to break it to me.”

  “I don’t think that’s it.” I considered telling him he’d failed to pull any vowels, but I didn’t think that would be a comfort to the distraught man.

  “But I need to know what it is. I need to know how much time I’ve got. I need to prepare.”

  “Prepare?” A little part of me delighted in his desperation.

  “For the end,” he declared solemnly.

  “The end of what?”

  “The end of my life.”

  “You think seven Scrabble tiles are going to tell you when and where you’re going to buy it?” I asked incredulously.

  Harry cocked his head to the side and examined me closely. “You’re not a believer?”

  “A believer?”

  “You don’t think she has a gift?”

  I shook my head slowly, knowing full well that Armani’s predictions had saved my tail a number of times. “I didn’t say that. I just think you should wait to hear what she has to say instead of planning your funeral or whatever the heck it is you’re doing.”

  “You think so?”

  I nodded, finding it surreal that I found myself comforting the letch who’d, up until recently, made my work life a living hell.

  “But you’ll still talk to her for me, right?”

  “Yes, Harry. I’ll talk to Armani for you.”

  “Thanks, Maggie. You’re the best.”

  “Remember that the next time I ask to take a personal day,” I replied dryly.

  Chapter Three

  After work I went to the “premium care facility” where my niece Katie temporarily resides.

  A while back she was seriously injured in a car accident that left her in a coma and killed her parents. An accident that left me with the ability to talk to the animals and the responsibility of being Katie’s legal guardian.

  But Katie’s on the mend now and it’s only a matter of time until she leaves Apple Blossom Estates.

  I waved, nodded, and smiled at all of the familiar staff as I hurried through the maze of hallways toward Katie’s room.

  It took an effort to keep my smile in place when I neared my destination and spotted Tony/Anthony Delveccio standing in the doorway. (If the cops and Feds can’t tell the identical twin mob bosses apart, I’m not even going to try.)

  Cell phone pressed to his ear, Delveccio was involved in an intense conversation. He moved to the side and waved me into the room absentmindedly when I reached the doorway.

  I passed the first bed in the room where Delveccio’s grandson, Dominic, lay, small and motionless beneath the hospital bedding. Every day I hoped to see a change in the little boy’s condition. Every day I was disappointed.

  “Aunt Maggie!”

  The sight of my niece, sitting in the hospital bed, throwing her arms wide in greeting, brought a lump to my throat and the prickle of tears to my eyes.

  Rather than letting her see me cry, I rushed over, scooped her up in a tight hug and asked, “Who did you see today, Baby Girl?”

  “I saw Doctor Donald and Doctor Sindhu and Doctor Brian,” she told me excitedly. “And I saw Shelby and Michelle and Carol and of course, Lewis.”

  “Of course,” I said with a smile, gently placing her back in bed. Lewis is the orderly who delivers meals and he was quickly becoming Katie’s favorite person. “What did Lewis give you today?”

  She looked around furtively before revealing in a stage whisper, “An extra chocolate pudding.”

  I heard a chuckle from behind me.

  “She takes after you,” Delveccio said. “Charming an older guy out of his pudding.”

  A love of chocolate pudding is one thing Delveccio and I share. We also share some int
eresting history. Namely, that he’s the reason I became a hitwoman.

  “Hi, Mister D”.” Katie waved to the nice mobster.

  “Hi, Katie. Did you show your aunt what I gave you?”

  Katie whipped some sort of handheld computer game out from beneath her bed sheet. “See?”

  I looked at it suspiciously.

  “It’s completely age appropriate,” Delveccio assured me.

  I nodded.

  “And it’s not violent or sexy,” he said.

  “You didn’t have to give her a gift,” I said quietly, trying to figure out what it meant when a mobster bestowed a gift on one’s family member.

  “But I love it and don’t want to give it back,” Katie whined.

  “You don’t have to, sweetheart,” Delveccio soothed. He gave me a hard look, daring me to argue with his decree. “Tell her.”

  “You don’t have to give it back,” I assured Katie, telling myself it was because I didn’t want to deal with the kid’s temper tantrum, not because I was afraid of the man who could order my death with one phone call.

  “Have you been in touch with our mutual friend?” Delveccio asked.

  I shook my head.

  The mobster squinted at me, trying to determine whether I was lying to him.

  I wasn’t. I hadn’t heard from Patrick Mulligan, my murder mentor and almost lover, for a few days. His sudden absence from my life had left me with a sense of being unmoored, but I’d done my best to ignore the feeling since I had more than enough on my plate to keep me busy.

  “You hear from him, tell him I’m trying to get in touch,” Delveccio said.

  I nodded, staying silent. It hadn’t been too long ago since Delveccio had been threatening to have me kill Patrick. Maybe the hitman/cop was just laying low for a bit.

  Delveccio walked over to his unconscious grandson, bent down and placed a tender kiss on the boy’s forehead. “I’ll be back soon,” he whispered.

  Touched by the display of affection, I looked away. Focusing on Katie I asked, “Did Aunt Leslie come to see you today?”

  “Uh-huh. And Aunt Loretta and Templeton. He done a magic trick for me.”

  “He did?” Templeton, Aunt Loretta’s current fiancé, is a man of many talents, but there’s something about him, despite the fact he’s saved me more than once, I just don’t quite trust. Plus, he sort of looks like a rat.

  “With a quarter,” Katie explained, reaching under her a pillow and holding up a coin for me to examine.

  “Pretty cool.”

  “Very cool,” she corrected.

  “See you tomorrow, Katie,” Delveccio called from the doorway, beaming at my niece affectionately.

  “See ya, Mr. D.!”

  “You’ll keep Dominic company?” Delveccio asked, glancing toward his grandson’s still form.

  “Uh-huh. And when he wakes up, I’ll tell the nurse to call you ASS-CAP.”

  Laughing softly, Delveccio corrected, “ASAP. Have them call me ASAP.” Still chuckling, he left the room.

  “What’s ASS-CAP mean?” Katie asked as soon as he was out of earshot.

  “ASAP. It means as soon as possible,” I replied.

  “Oh, that’s good.”

  “Why is that good?”

  “Because,” she explained carefully, “an ass is a mule or donkey. Mommy told me that once.”

  I imagined my sister Theresa telling her daughter that she was calling her husband, who I always referred to as Dirk the Jerk, a donkey.

  “And a cap is a hat,” Katie continued seriously. “And I think a donkey would look funny in a hat, don’t you?”

  Unable to argue with the kid’s logic, I said, “You’re right. Plus, a donkey has big ears… how would that work with a hat?”

  Katie’s eyes grew wide as she considered the possibility. I could practically see the gears in her little brain spinning before she flashed me a mischievous grin.

  I narrowed my eyes and peered at her with exaggerated suspicion. “What are you thinking?”

  “What would an elephant’s hat look like?” Katie asked, bursting into giggles.

  “That would have to be a really big hat.”

  “Really big”.” She squealed with delight.

  “Speaking of elephants, why don’t I read to you for a while?” I reached for a Babar the Elephant book that rested beside her bed.

  “Three?” She bargained.

  “One,” I countered, knowing full well it wasn’t the end of negotiations.

  “Two,” she wheedled.

  “Two.”

  “And Where the Wild Things Are?”

  “You’re pushing it, kid,” I teased, but the truth was I was glad she was getting back to her normal self. For so long after the accident, I’d worried she’d never open her eyes again. Then I’d worried she’d never have another conversation. Now, I just worried I wasn’t up to the job of parenting her.

  Before I could begin reading the book, Katie piped in with, “You know who else would look funny in a hat?”

  “Who?”

  “Godzilla!”

  Chapter Four

  The idea of having Godzilla harassing me again about needing a new place to live forced me to run into a tiny, hole-in-the-wall pet shop on the way to pick up Aunt Leslie from her Narcotics Anonymous meeting like I’d promised.

  I was in the rear of the store, back where they keep all the creepy-crawly things that pet owners who love sweet, fluffy animals are grossed out by, when my phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number, but answered anyway as I picked up the first glass container I saw.

  “Hello?”

  “Hello, Ms. Lee.”

  Startled by yet another call from Ms. Whitehat, I almost dropped God’s new home.

  “I’ve been informed that the dog you’re looking for prefers bacon-flavored treats,” Ms. Whitehat said.

  I spun around in a circle, trying to figure out how she could see me.

  “They’re closer to the front of the store.”

  I swallowed hard, totally freaked out that she was watching me.

  “Good hunting, Ms. Lee.” She hung up.

  Realizing that she was probably still observing me, I did my best not to act totally creeped out as I finished my shopping and returned to my car.

  Despite the fact I bought the first glass enclosure I spotted, I was still a little late getting to the church.

  Fortunately, someone had been kind enough to wait with her until her tardy limo service showed up, so all she said when she got into the car was, “I had the best coffee.”

  “In a church basement?”

  “Did you tell Armani I said hi?” she asked, changing the subject. “Did you have a good day at work?”

  “Yes and no.” I tightened my grip on the steering wheel of the car as I remembered my exchange with Ms. Whitehat.

  “Did you see Katie?”

  “Of course.”

  “She was in good spirits today,” Leslie said.

  “She certainly was.”

  “Her resilience is amazing.”

  “It certainly is.”

  We lapsed into silence, each lost in our own thoughts.

  When we got back to the Bed & Breakfast, DeeDee was out in the yard with Aunt Susan, who was busy attacking a bush with pruning shears.

  The moment I got out of the car, Susan demanded, “You have to do something about her. She’s driving me crazy.”

  “Were you barking in the basement?” I asked the Doberman in my sternest tone.

  “Bark no,” she whined.

  “Not the dog, your sister,” Susan huffed.

  Ever since my younger sister, Marlene, gave up her life as a streetwalker, she and Susan had been going at it. For some reason I couldn’t fathom, Susan had decided it was my job to keep Marlene in line.

  Since I hadn’t been able to boss Marlene around when she was ten, I was fairly certain she wouldn’t listen to me now. Still, I had to try. After all, my aunts were kind enough to put a roof over
my head and would be helping out with Katie when I finally brought her home.

  “I’ll talk to her, but I’m not making any promises.”

  “Maybe you should ask Armani for advice on how to deal with her,” Leslie suggested, picking up a branch and throwing it for the dog to fetch.

  Aunt Susan rolled her eyes at the suggestion and returned to viciously attacking the bushes. “I don’t care how you do it, just do it.”

  I sighed heavily. After a long day, working and visiting with Katie, I would have much rather taken a hot shower and vegged in front of the TV with God and beaten him in a round or two of Wheel of Fortune. Instead, I was going to lecture a grown woman.

  I knew before I entered the house and trudged up the stairs that it wasn’t going to end well.

  Still, I did my best to sound upbeat when I knocked on Marlene’s closed door. “You have a second?”

  She didn’t answer, but I heard movement from the depths of the room. So I waited patiently, lifting the corner of my mouth in a semblance of a smile.

  Marlene yanked the door open and leaned in the doorframe, her expression sullen.

  “Hey,” I said with faux cheeriness.

  Marlene folded her arms across her chest. “What do you want?”

  “Honestly, to take a hot shower and to sit in front of the TV, but that’s not happening.”

  Dropping her arms to her sides, Marlene asked, “What does Aunt Susan want you to do instead? Kick me out?”

  “Nobody’s kicking you out,” I said quickly. “She just wanted me to see if I can arrange some sort of peace deal.”

  “Maggie Lee, the great negotiator,” Marlene mocked.

  I shrugged. “It’s been a hard time for everyone.”

  Marlene nodded slowly.

  “I know Susan can be a pain in the ass with her ways of doing things, but she means well.”

  Marlene sighed.

  “And I know you’re a grown woman who doesn’t like being told what to do,” I continued, not quite sure where I was going with my little peacekeeping speech.

  “Here comes the giant ‘but,’” Marlene said.

  “But,” I said slowly, “could you cut her some slack?”

  Marlene’s eyes narrowed and I knew she was preparing an argument.

  “For my sake?” I pleaded quickly. Sure, it was a cheap, emotionally manipulative move, but it was the best I had at the moment.