The Hitwoman Hunts a Ghost (Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman)

by JB Lynn

  I paused, considering his theory. It seemed plausible.

  “You don’t what?” Delveccio asked.

  “I don’t know about the schedule,” I said carefully. “There isn’t much time to plan and execute.”

  “I don’t care about your plan,” Delveccio informed me. “Just make sure you execute.” His tone convinced me that there wasn’t any room for discussion of the topic.

  “Yes, sir.” My stomach roiled nervously as I wondered what I’d gotten myself into.

  “Go visit your niece,” the mobster ordered. “And make sure that lizard visits my grandson too.”

  I nodded and stood as God railed, “Are you pimping me out to treat comatose kids now?”

  Chapter Nine

  I heard Katie’s screams from all the way down the corridor.

  My heart stuttered.

  “Oh no.” Even the lizard sounded worried.

  I broke into a full-out run, racing toward the sound of her cries. I practically mowed down a nurse in my haste, terrified that I wouldn’t get to her in time.

  Vinnie was nowhere in sight which meant that her room had been left unguarded.

  “Nooooo!” Katie wailed.

  “Save her!” God urged.

  Adrenaline pumping through me, I barreled into the room. The man was leaning over the bed, his back to the door so he never saw me coming. I plowed into him full force. It wasn’t the most efficient tackle, but it did the job. We both ended up on the ground.

  “Get away!” I screamed as he lifted his head from the tile. “Get away from her or I’ll kill you.” I scrambled around looking for a weapon.

  “Hey!” he protested.

  “Kill ’em! Kill ’em!” God shouted.

  Jumping to my feet, I grabbed a visitor’s chair. Hefting it overhead, I brandished it over him. “One move and you’re a dead man.”

  “Margaret! Stop this right now!”

  My grip on the chair wavered. I knew that voice. I turned in its direction and found Aunt Susan staring at me aghast.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, appalled.

  “Katie...” I started to explain, shifting my gaze to my niece who was sitting up in her bed, watching me intently. She didn’t look hurt. I’d gotten here in time. The instant relief made my start to shake. I lowered the chair slightly.

  “Katie doesn’t want to eat her vegetables.” Susan pushed past me, bending over the victim of my linebacker-wanna-be tackle. “Why on Earth would you attack Bob?”

  I looked at the man who Susan was helping up from the floor. I almost dropped the chair when I realized he was Bob, Aunt Susan’s boyfriend. “Bob.”

  “Oops,” God muttered.

  “I’m so sorry.” I put the chair back on the floor and hurried to help him up. “I didn’t know it was you. I thought Katie was being attacked.”

  “So you ran in and tackled him?” Susan asked, guiding Bob to sit in the chair I’d almost broken over his head.

  “I didn’t realize it was him. I heard her screaming and he was leaning over the bed and...” I shrugged helplessly. “I’m sorry.”

  “He was trying to get her to eat her carrots,” Susan informed me coldly. “And you barging in here and physically attacking someone is not acceptable no matter what the circumstances.”

  “Give the girl a break,” Bob said. “Considering all she’s been through lately, her reaction was understandable.”

  “Understandable?” Susan shrieked. “Understandable?”

  Bob patted her leg. “Yes, dear. She was protecting her family. You can’t fault her for that.”

  “I most certainly can.”

  “But you shouldn’t,” Bob’s admonishment was voiced softly, but laced with an edge of steel. “People have been hurting Maggie and her family. You should commend her for her willingness to put herself in the path of danger.”

  “Thank you,” I murmured. “Thank you for understanding, Bob.”

  He smiled up at me. “You, young lady, pack quite a punch.”

  I winced. “I’m sorry.”

  He shook his head. “You didn’t break anything. I’ll live.”

  “Luckily,” Susan said. “Really, Margaret—”

  “Why don’t you go find me something to drink?” Bob interrupted.

  Susan blinked at him, accustomed to being the one giving orders.

  “Really,” Bob told her sternly. “Go for a walk. Calm down and bring me back a drink.”

  She opened her mouth to reply.

  “Please,” he added firmly, before winking at her.

  “Impossible,” she grumbled under her breath as she strode out of the room. “You’re all impossible.”

  “She’s not wrong. The women in this family are impossible.” Bob looked over at Katie who was watching the exchange like it was a Wimbledon match. “That includes you, young lady.”

  She beamed, obviously proud of herself.

  “I’ll make it up to you,” I promised him.

  “Call my sister about that job she wants to give you. That’ll be penance enough.”

  I blinked. “That’s what you want from me?”

  “Yup.”

  “But I tackled you.”

  “You certainly did.”

  “But why...?”

  He held up a finger to stop me. “I like you, Maggie. And sometimes the things that don’t show up on resumes are the things that are worth their weight in gold. Like that you work hard and you’re loyal to your family. Just give her a call. Let her explain what she’s offering. I’m not asking you to take the job. I’m just asking you to consider it. Will you do that for me?”

  I nodded.

  “Good girl.” Jerking his chin in Katie’s direction, he added, “Now let’s see if you can get her to eat her vegetables without her screaming her little head off.”

  Turning to Katie, I gave her my sternest look. “Eat your vegetables, Katie.”

  Crossing her arms over her chest, she stuck out her lower lip defiantly.

  “They’ll help you grow big and strong,” I cajoled, despising the note of desperation in my voice.

  She shook her head.

  Too tired and overwhelmed to do battle with her, I shrugged my surrender. “Okay.”

  She flashed a victory grin.

  “I was going to let you visit with Godzilla, but if you’re going to be that way...” I turned my back on her. “Help me out here,” I whispered to the lizard.

  Surprisingly, he obliged by scampering out of my shirt and onto my waiting palm. I carefully placed him down on the other bed in the room. He scampered up Dominic and lay down on his chest.

  “Hey,” Katie protested.

  “Your choice, baby girl,” I told her. “You eat your vegetables and you can play with Godzilla.”

  “That’s blackmail,” the lizard said.

  “That’s bribery,” Bob remarked.

  “That’s effective,” I told them both as Katie began shoveling peas and carrots into her mouth.

  It was the first thing that had gone right all day and I didn’t bother to hide my proud smile.

  Of course forty-five minutes later, I wasn’t feeling proud. I was in full-blown panic-mode.

  “Where is she?” I asked as I neared the spot where I’d left DeeDee tied up.

  “She who?” God asked drowsily.

  I had the distinct impression that the time he’d spent with Delveccio’s grandson and Katie had taken a lot out of him.

  “The dog. She’s gone.”

  That stirred the scaly beast. “What do you mean she’s gone?”

  “She isn’t where we left her.”

  He dragged himself upward to peer over the collar of my shirt. “She isn’t here.”

  “That’s what I said.” I examined the tree I’d tied her leash around. The leash was nowhere to be seen. “But she promised,” I muttered.

  “What makes you think her word is any good?” the lizard said testily. “She can’t even construct a grammatically correct sent
ence.”

  “She’s a dog,” I snapped back.

  “So?”

  “They’re supposed to be loyal.”

  “Well it’s your fault for leaving her here. She probably got hungry and ran after the first piece of food that crossed her path,” God said.

  “My fault?” I shrieked.

  “Shhh! You’re attracting attention with your histrionics,” the lizard admonished.

  As usual, he was right. A woman and her son who had just parked their car were watching me curiously because of my shriek.

  Gritting my teeth, I lowered my voice and reminded the lizard, “It’s your fault. If you hadn’t been whining about your housing...”

  “Whining?”

  “Whining.”

  “I don’t whine,” he informed me haughtily. “I simply pointed out that the situation was deplorable.”

  “It sure sounded a lot like whining.” I spun around in a circle, hoping for some sign of DeeDee, but saw nothing. “Now what am I supposed to do?”

  “We’re supposed to go to the store and find me a decent place to sleep.”

  “But she’s gone. I can’t just…”

  “It’s not the first time you’ve lost her,” the lizard reminded me. “She’ll find her way home. She always does.”

  I considered that for a moment. Grudgingly, I had to admit to myself that he was probably right, but it didn’t make me any more inclined to take the lizard shopping.

  “Are you going to stand here all day bemoaning your lack of judgment, or are you going to fulfill your promise to me?”

  “Only if you promise to shut up,” I muttered, walking over to my car. “We’ll go to the store so you’ll stop your belly-aching and then we’ll go home and hope DeeDee is there.”

  “You seem more hostile than usual,” God remarked as he clambered out of my shirt and perched on my shoulder as I drove away from the hospital.

  I didn’t reply. I just grit my teeth.

  “I know things haven’t been easy for you.”

  “Ya think?”

  “But look on the bright side, Katie is improving and Marlene is home. Focus on that.”

  His tone, suggesting that all was right in my world, irritated me.

  “Or,” I snapped, “I could focus on the fact Ms. Whitehat has tasked me with finding a missing dog and I don’t know what the consequences will be if I don’t, Delveccio has given me an impossible timetable with this Ira guy, Aunt Loretta is on some obsessive search, and I didn’t think twice about attacking Aunt Susan’s boyfriend… Who does that?”

  “You are such a Negative Nellie.” God sighed. “If you’re not careful, that frown you’re always wearing is going to become permanent.”

  I considered rolling down the window and tossing him out of the moving car. I wondered how his “sensitive skin” would like that.

  “Really, biped,” he lectured. “You have to choose to be happy. Sure you’ve got some less-than-desirable things going on in your life, but there are some spectacular happenings too.”

  Pulling into the lot of the pet store, I parked, adjusted the rearview mirror so that I could see the television-obsessed little guy perched on my shoulder, and asked, “You’ve been watching endless hours of some feel-good-improve-your-life shit, haven’t you?”

  Flicking his tail, he huffed. “Dismiss my advice if you will, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worthwhile.”

  I glared at his reflection. He stared back impassively. Lizards don’t have eyelids so it’s pretty much impossible for me to beat him in a staring contest. He just doesn’t blink. Ever.

  Frustrated, I looked away. “Are we going to do this, or are you planning on reprimanding me about my attitude all day?”

  “Therein lies your problem. I’m trying to help you and you choose to see it as criticism.”

  “You called me a Negative Nellie,” I reminded him.

  “That,” he said, latching onto my bra strap and sliding back down into his hiding space, “is a statement of fact. No one who knows you would ever say you’re an optimist.”

  “I never claimed to be.” Getting out of the car, I slammed the door to emphasize my point.

  “But you should try to be,” he whispered softly.

  The little guy can be a pain in the butt, but he tends to be right more often than he is wrong. Maybe he was right. Maybe being more of an optimist wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

  So I tried to be.

  Guess how that turned out.

  Chapter Ten

  The entire time we were in the pet store looking for a new enclosure for God (a mercifully short time, light on lizard snark), I told myself that DeeDee would, once again, be waiting at home for us. How’s that for optimism?

  Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

  When my aunts asked where she was, I told them she’d run away again. Leslie and Loretta both tsked sympathetically. Aunt Susan, on the other hand, muttered something about insanity and irresponsibility being bedmates. It was one of her favorite sayings, something she often muttered about politicians, but this time it was directed at me and it stung.

  I set up God’s terrarium and was all set to go search for DeeDee when Piss wandered down the basement stairs, informing me on a bored meow, “She’s back.”

  “Who?

  “The psychic.”

  “Armani?”

  “You know other psychics, Sugar?”

  “Go find out what Loretta’s looking for,” God urged.

  “I’ve got to find DeeDee.”

  “You won’t,” Piss said with unnerving certainty.

  I looked her in her one good eye. “How do you know?”

  “I just do.” Her tone indicated the discussion was over. To emphasize her point, she wandered back out of the room.

  “Now you’re free to eavesdrop,” God declared cheerily.

  “I’m not going to eavesdrop on my aunt,” I told him.

  “Why?” He stretched out along the piece of driftwood that occupied most of his terrarium.

  “It isn’t polite.”

  “You’re not polite.”

  “Ha!” I scoffed. “There’s the pot calling the kettle black.”

  He lifted one of his tiny lizard shoulders in the semblance of a shrug.

  I tried a different tactic. “Why should I care what Loretta’s looking for?”

  “Because it might keep Templeton from coming down here and rooting through corners while I’m trying to nap.”

  “He was down here?” I asked.

  “That’s what I said.”

  Frowning, I decided that the lizard was probably right. I needed to know what Loretta and Templeton were searching for. I turned to ask Piss to go listen in, but she’d already slunk away. Hurrying up the stairs, I muttered, “The optimist in me thinks this will solve all my problems.”

  “Liar!” the lizard called after me, sounding quite pleased with himself.

  I found Aunt Loretta and Armani getting set up in the dining room. Apparently Loretta was catering the event since there were a dozen of her “love muffins” in a basket at the center of the table and she was pouring Armani a cup of coffee.

  “Hey, Chiquita.” Armani grinned at me, her eyes sparkling with mischief. “Getting into any trouble?”

  I thought about Ms. Whitehat and Delveccio. I nodded.

  “Good! I’ve got a message for you.”

  Inwardly I silently groaned, but I managed to keep the semblance of a smile pasted on my face. “Oh yeah?”

  “What kind of message?” Loretta interrupted curiously.

  “This and that,” Armani replied breezily, taking a muffin.

  Considering that a couple of her messages had saved my life, I wasn’t about to discount anything she said…. even if it did sound like utter nonsense, like her “meet the man” prediction a while back.

  “But I thought you came here to help me?” Loretta pouted.

  Armani cocked an eyebrow at her. “Keep your panties on.
I can multi-task.”

  “I’m looking for a lost dog,” I said. I let them assume I was talking about DeeDee, but I was really hoping that Armani could give me a clue about Ghost’s whereabouts. “Any chance your message can help me with that?”

  “Beg hers,” Armani replied.

  I frowned. “Beg who?”

  “Dunno. That’s the message, Beg hers.”

  “That’s not much help,” I said, wondering if I was supposed to be Ms. Whitehat for mercy or something.

  Armani shrugged.

  “Now can you help me?” Loretta asked impatiently. “I’m looking for something too.”

  “My gift makes me a conduit to the other side,” Armani told her. “I’m not some take-out window where you say what you want and I deliver it to you. That’s not how it works.”

  “I understand,” Loretta murmured. “It’s just that I’m so desperate to find it.”

  “Find what?” I asked.

  Loretta looked around the room, reassuring herself that we were the only three there. “You can’t tell them.”

  Her secretiveness made me nervous. “Tell who?”

  “Susan and Leslie. You have to promise me, Maggie.”

  I hesitated, not wanting to get caught between my aunts.

  “Promise,” Loretta pleaded.

  Against my better judgment, I nodded.

  “I’m going to lose The Corset Closet.”

  I gasped.

  “The Corset Closet?” Armani asked.

  “It’s my business,” Loretta explained quickly. “We sell ladies intimates, nighties, underwear.” She warmed to her subject. “Though more recently we’ve branched into toys and props. We have some tame aids like oils and flavored—”

  “She gets the idea,” I interrupted, not needing to hear my aunt describe the attributes of sex toys. There are some things you just can’t un-hear.

  “Are you blushing?” Armani asked.

  “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, dear,” Loretta assured me.

  “Can we get back to the point? What do you mean you’re going to lose The Corset Closet?”

  “I can’t find the deed to the building and someone wants to tear it down to put in a gymnasium.” She shuddered her distaste.

  I wasn’t sure if it was an indication about how she felt about losing the building or how much she’s disgusted by the idea of exercise, but that wasn’t the important thing anyway.