“Yes, well, I know it’s not easy for you to understand, but these days friends sometimes …” I twirled a sparkler. “And it’s just for fun. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Oh.” She looked troubled. “It’s just that you two seem to like each other so much.”
“We do, Grams. It’s not that.”
“Well, what is it then?” she asked.
“We don’t want the same things.” It was the truth, but saying it out loud took some of the wind out of my sails. Last night had been so magical.
“Such as?”
“Well … I want a family. He doesn’t.”
She flapped a hand. “Oh bother, of course he does. Even if he says he doesn’t.”
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, Grams.”
“You can’t give up just because a fellow plays hard to get, Stella.”
“He’s not playing at anything. We talked very honestly about things last night, and … I understand why he is the way he is. You were right. He does have something eating at him from the inside. But he’s not broken. Wounded, maybe, but not broken.”
“Well, you know what they say about how to heal a wound …” Grams lifted her cup to her wrinkled lips.
I sighed. “Yes. I do. But he might not want to heal that wound, Grams. It’s … deeply rooted in him. In his sense of honor. He guards it, almost protectively.”
“Whatever for?”
I picked up my coffee and sipped, giving it some more thought. “I think maybe because he’s so conflicted about it. He feels shame, but also pride. He wants to be forgiven for things he’s done, but doesn’t think he should be. He questions himself. Is he a good person who did bad things? Or deep down, is he something else?”
Grams clucked her tongue. “I knew men like that. They came home after the war with such tortured souls. So heartbreaking.”
“It is,” I went on, feeling protective of him. I shouldn’t say anything more to Grams.
“But it’s not hopeless, Stella. He just needs someone who can make him feel loved unconditionally.”
I smiled ruefully, but a lump popped into my throat. “It’s not that easy, Grams. Ryan is who he is. And he doesn’t want love.” But I knew in my heart, I could love him like that. So easily. I was halfway there already.
“Nonsense. Everybody wants love.”
“Not him. He likes living alone. He’s not going to change for me, and I’d never ask him to. He’s entitled to the life he wants.”
“But Stella—”
I stood up. “Listen, Grams. I’m feeling a little tired, and I need to call Emme and let her know I’m planning to stay a couple more days. I will be glad to invite Ryan to dinner, but I have no idea if he’ll come. And even if he does,” I went on, loudly so she’d be sure to hear it, “it doesn’t mean there’s anything serious or even romantic between us.”
“All right, dear. Whatever you say.”
I left her in the kitchen and took my coffee with me upstairs. In my room, I set the cup on the dresser, shut the door and threw myself facedown on the bed. Why did I feel like crying all of a sudden? What was the matter with me?
Last night I’d been so sure I could remain emotionally detached, but this morning I was a mess. Had I made a mistake saying I’d stay? Was I offering up my heart knowing he’d smash it to pieces? Was I tying myself to the tracks of an oncoming train?
Christ, maybe I’d been right to avoid hot sex all these years. It had me in knots.
I flipped over onto my back and reached for my phone.
Emme picked up right away. “Hello?”
“Hey.”
“Hey! How’d it go last night?”
It sounded like she was driving to work. Suddenly I missed the everyday routine of my life and I was almost sorry I’d come. “Good,” I answered, but my tone said there was a but coming.
“What’s wrong?”
I bit my lip. “I like him.”
“Oh no.”
“Yeah.” My voice wavered. “A lot.”
“What’s a lot?”
“A fucking lot.” I stared at the ceiling and admitted it. “Like I’m falling for him.”
She gasped, then tried to backtrack. “Well, okay. Maybe it’s not the end of the world. How does he feel?”
I closed my eyes. “Not the same.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Pretty sure.”
She sighed. “I’m sorry, Stell. It hurts, I’ve been there.”
The lump was back in my throat, and all I could do was nod.
“You headed back today? Want to come over tonight?”
“Actually, I think I’m staying a couple more days.”
“Why?”
“Ryan asked me to.”
“What? Wait a minute, wait a minute. I thought you said he didn’t like you. Why would he ask you to stay?”
I rolled onto my stomach, propping myself up on my elbows. “It’s not that he doesn’t like me. He does. We have fun together. He just doesn’t want anything more than fun.”
“And you do?”
“I don’t know what I want,” I admitted. “I’ve never really been in this position before. I need advice.”
“Okay. I’m going to ask you something, and don’t get mad.”
“Okay.”
“Are you sure it’s a good idea to stay up there? If he’s already made it clear he doesn’t have feelings for you, and you’re sure you’ve got feelings for him, how can this lead to anything but disaster?”
“I don’t know,” I said irritably. “My brain is all jacked up on hormones. That’s why I’m calling you for advice.”
“My advice is to run, Stella. Get out of there with your heart in one piece. I can appreciate the risk you’ve taken, and I applaud you for being brave and getting out of your comfort zone, but I’m worried for you now.”
I didn’t like what she was saying, but how could I argue? I was worried for myself.
“So what are you going to do?” she asked quietly.
“I’m going to think about it. I’m too tired to make the drive right now, anyway, so I’m going to take a nap and then decide.”
“Okay. Let me know.”
“I will. Thanks.”
Setting my phone aside, I curled up in a ball and closed my eyes. What should I do? Grams thought I shouldn’t give up. Emme said to get out now. It was barely after five in the morning out west, or else I might have called Maren to break the tie.
I saw both sides. Grams was right—Ryan needed love and acceptance, no matter what he said. But Emme was right too—he could break my heart if I let him.
And I was fairly certain I’d let him.
My head said run.
But my heart—the stubborn fool—said stay.
In the past, there wouldn’t have been any doubt which part of me I should listen to. Get out of there with your heart in one piece, Emme had said. And if our positions had been reversed, which they had plenty of times in years past, I’d have told her the same.
But somehow I knew that even if I left right this minute, it was too late for my heart to remain whole.
I’d leave a piece of it behind, and I’d always wonder if I gave up on it too soon.
Twenty-Three
Grams
I was feeling pretty sorry for Stella. It was clear she had it bad for Mr. Woods, and in my opinion, he felt the same, but he was being a typical man—stubborn, stubborn, stubborn.
But what did I know?
In my day, a girl wouldn’t have spent the whole night with a fellow until they were married. Why buy the cow and all that. But we also didn’t wait until we were thirty to get hitched. Nobody wanted to be called an old maid. (And nobody wanted to wait that long to have sex, either. At least nobody I knew.)
These days girls seem so focused on so many other things. They say they want love and family, but they don’t prioritize it. Do they think love grows on trees? It doesn’t! So when you find it, you’ve got to be willing to fight for it
. Protect it. Give it room to grow.
I don’t know, maybe I’m too old-fashioned. But I had such a wonderful life, so full of love, and I want that for my granddaughters too. There’s nothing like feeling as if the sun rises and sets on you, as far as your fellow is concerned. And in turn, there’s nothing better than doing your best to keep that fellow so starry-eyed and head over heels, he wouldn’t dream of any other life.
I could see it happening with Ryan and Stella, I truly could. They were perfect together, and the sooner they realized that, the better. I thought the pie would do it, but I could see winning this battle was going to take some heavier artillery.
It was time for meatloaf.
Twenty-Four
Ryan
All morning long, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was happening with me. It wasn’t a bad feeling, necessarily, just different. I was more relaxed in my body, more at ease in my mind. There was a sort of calm inside me I wasn’t used to, but there was a fair amount of anticipation too.
That afternoon, I was helping set up for a wedding reception scheduled for tomorrow night in the barn. All I could think of was Stella and I out back last night, and I kept glancing onto the patio and remembering her mouth on me. (Hopefully, no one noticed the erection I was trying to hide.)
The bride and groom came in to check the progress, holding hands and wearing expressions of pure joy, proclaiming their excitement over every little thing. It was kind of disgusting how happy they were, but also kind of nice. I’d let Brie dictate every detail of our wedding, and I couldn’t tell you one thing about it now. I hadn’t given a fuck about the flowers or the attire or the music or the food. I’d asked her what I should wear and what time I should be there and she told me. In no pictures was I smiling.
These two were head over heels. What would that be like, to be so happy, so secure in your love for another person and their love for you? Could it ever last? Could you really trust someone with your deepest dreams and fears and believe they’d never abuse that? It was hard to imagine.
I was still thinking about it when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and looked at the unfamiliar number on the screen. Was it Stella? It was a local number, so maybe she was calling from her grandmother’s house phone.
“Hello?”
“Oh, hello. Is this Mr. Woods?”
It wasn’t Stella, but the voice was familiar. “Yes. Mrs. Gardner?”
“Yes. How are you, dear?”
“I’m fine. Is everything okay?”
“Yes. I’m sorry to bother you at work, but I was just wondering if you’d like to join Stella and me for dinner this evening. We’re having meatloaf.”
My stomach rumbled. I loved meatloaf. But I wasn’t sure about having dinner over there. Taking Stella to a restaurant was one thing, but a family dinner felt so … personal. Like it came with expectations. “Uh, I’m not sure.”
“Oh, do you have plans already?”
“No,” I answered before I could stop myself.
“Perfect, then we’ll see you around seven?”
“Um … Okay.”
“Splendid. See you then.”
She hung up before I even knew what hit me.
I stared at my phone in disbelief. Man. That woman was crafty as fuck.
Guess I was going to dinner.
While I had my phone out, I decided to try to reach Bones, but he didn’t answer. I left a message.
“Hey, Bones. It’s Woods. Listen, give me a call, okay?”
After hanging up, I slipped my phone back into my pocket and got back to work. If he didn’t call me back by tonight, I’d try again tomorrow.
Twenty-Five
Stella
Eventually I’d fallen asleep, then I’d woken up from my nap and gone for a run, hoping it would clear my head.
It didn’t.
Drumming through my mind were tons of reasons to get the hell out while I could, but my heart clung like a child to some balloon string of hope. I felt paralyzed.
I came home, cleaned up, and had lunch with Grams in town, although I wasn’t very hungry and barely tasted my food. Emme had called twice, but I didn’t feel like talking and didn’t want to be told what to do.
After we got back, I wandered into the yard and sat on the swing Ryan had hung in the birch tree for me, idly swaying side to side. He hadn’t called, and I wasn’t sure he was going to. Maybe he’d changed his mind about—
“Stella, dear!” Grams called from the back porch. “Come look who just popped in for a visit!”
My heart started to race. He was here! I jumped off the swing and started for the house when someone else joined Grams on the porch. I stopped in my tracks. It wasn’t Ryan—it was Emme.
“Hey, sis,” she called, grinning at me.
“Hi,” I said, shaking my head. I hurried onto the porch to hug her. “What are you doing here?”
“I had the weekend free and I missed you both. I thought I’d shoot up and see what was new.” She gave me an innocent smile that didn’t fool me for one second. She’d come up here to sniff around, that’s what she’d done.
“You had the weekend free?” I asked suspiciously. “You never have a whole weekend free.”
She shrugged as we went into the house. “I was free tonight. And Coco said she’d handle tomorrow night’s wedding. October isn’t a super busy month.”
“You look lovely, darling. Just lovely!” Grams assessed my sister from head to toe.
Emme was lovely, of course. We had the same long blond hair, but Emme’s was always styled in tousled waves or blown perfectly smooth or braided into some fancy style. She wore feminine clothes in bright colors and patterns like polka dots and florals. Today she had on a red flared skirt and a pink turtleneck. Her lipstick matched her skirt. She was a few months pregnant, not that you could tell, but she still wore heels—strappy red suede.
Only Emme.
“Where’s Nate? He didn’t come with you?” I sank into a kitchen chair, suddenly feeling shlubby in my jeans, T-shirt, and cardigan.
“No, he has Paisley this weekend, and said he could use a little father/daughter time. And it’s good for him.” Emme sat down opposite me, her spine ramrod straight, her ankles delicately crossed. With her chin propped in her hand, she batted her lashes at me. “So what’s going on?”
“Stella has a beau,” Grams bubbled, “and we’re having him over for meatloaf dinner tonight.”
I rolled my eyes. “Grams, we don’t know that for sure.”
“Yes, we do. I called and invited him.”
I sat up straighter. “You did?”
“Of course.”
“Called him where?”
“On his pocket phone. He gave me his number once in case of an emergency.”
“Grams, this isn’t an emergency.”
She smiled sweetly. “Now don’t you worry about a thing. I’m going to the store right now for everything we need, and dinner is going to be perfect. My meatloaf has a secret ingredient that makes it taste divine.”
“So—so he said yes?” I asked, trying to adjust to this news.
“He did indeed. What man in his right mind would turn down meatloaf? It’s comfort food!”
“I have no idea.” I leaned back in my chair, shaking my head.
“Grams, can we help with dinner?” Emme asked.
“That’s kind of you, darling, but I’ll handle the cooking tonight. Why don’t you two head into town for some shopping? Emme, maybe you can help Stella find something pretty to wear tonight.”
Emme grinned at me. “Sure, Grams. We can pick up dessert, too.”
“Emme Devine, if you think I’d serve store-bought dessert at my house, you’ve lost your marbles!” Grams admonished.
“Sorry, don’t know what I was thinking.” My sister got to her feet and tapped my shoulder. “Come on, Stell. Let’s take a ride.”
“I came to rescue you,” Emme said, starting her car. “I don’t have a white h
orse, but I do have a white Honda.”
“Lies,” I told her, buckling my seatbelt. “You came to get a look at Ryan.”
“Okay, maybe I did want to meet the man who has my unflappable big sister in such a tizzy. But I also came to make sure you were okay. You didn’t answer my calls.” Emme backed out of Grams’s driveway and headed for town.
“Sorry. But I figured you were calling to see what I’d decided, and I hadn’t decided anything.”
Emme looked over at me. “I’ve never heard you like this. You’re really into this guy, huh?”
“Kind of. I’ve never met anyone like him. He’s complicated and moody and quiet, but he’s also funny and kind and sweet. And he’s beautiful. I can hardly be in the same room with him without wanting to tear his clothes off.”
Emme giggled. “Should make for an interesting evening.”
I groaned, dropping my face into my hands. “What is this, Em? What’s wrong with me that I know this guy doesn’t want me, but I can’t stop wanting him?”
“Why are you so sure he doesn’t want you? I mean, why would he agree to come to your grandma’s house for dinner if he wasn’t interested?”
I sighed. “Again. It’s complicated. And confusing. He likes being with me, but he’s told me multiple times that ultimately he prefers being alone. He doesn’t ever want a wife, doesn’t ever want kids, and he lives way up here. There are so many wrongs and only one right.”
“Which is?”
“The way we fit together,” I said. “Not just physically, although that part is unbelievable, but the way we balance each other out. It feels really good. I’m my real self around him, and he’s his real self around me—at least, I think he is. My gut tells me he is.”
“I cannot wait to meet this guy.”
I looked over at her. “Please don’t embarrass me.”
Her jaw dropped in mock protest. “I’m shocked you would even think it of me.”
“I just know it’s going to be bad enough with Grams trying to play her matchmaking game. And sometimes you can be … dramatic.”
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