He cursed. “Damn, Willa, don’t know how much longer I can wait.”
My back straightened at that, at those words. Evan used to say shit like that to me all the time. Micro threats to get his way. “Is that right?”
A pause. “You’re pissed all of a sudden, why?”
Jude was a good guy, but he was a guy, and in my experience, that meant if they didn’t get what they wanted, they turned into assholes. “Are you threatening to back off if I don’t make myself available to you? ’Cause if that’s the case, I have to tell you, it’s an asshole move. Maybe if I was some pining, desperate idiot, I’d be worried that you’d disappear, but I can take it or leave it, remember that.”
“Take or leave what?” he said, his voice so full of gravel, goosebumps lifted all over me.
“You,” I said, with more venom than I’d intended.
He cursed again. “Christ, Willa, that wasn’t what I was doing. I want you, I’ve made no secret about that. I’m not threatening a damn thing. I was just telling you that waiting is fucking hard. I liked talking to you this week. I wanted to see you. That’s it. No ulterior motive. No secret agenda.” A pause. “You know what? Fuck it. Whatever. I don’t need this shit, I need to go.”
I swallowed the bolder that had formed in my throat.
There was no missing the sincerity in his voice…or the anger. I winced.
I’d gotten it wrong again.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I’d reacted like I always did; assumed the worst, lashed out, went on the attack. His words stung, his disappointment and frustration with me coming through loud and clear. And yeah, hitting a little too close to the bone.
“Jude…’
“I’ll text you when I pick up Tilly tomorrow.” There was a pause. “And for fuck’s sake, keep yourself safe. I know you’re out of this psycho’s target zone, but don’t, not for any reason, leave the club without security.”
There he went, being all thoughtful again. I still struggled with the idea that Jude really was just a nice guy. I’d never believed they actually existed, and now I was pretty sure I’d ruined everything. How many times could I push him away before he gave up on me? “Jude…”
“Gotta go.”
He disconnected.
I think I just got my answer.
I heard his bike later that night, while I lay in bed, heard the engine cut off. The exterior stairs to my apartment were wrought iron and could make plenty of noise. I could admit that I was listening to that familiar sound, waiting to see if he’d come up, if he’d knock on my door.
The sound of the lower apartment door banging shut was a dull thud in the darkness.
Of course he didn’t want to see me. I made sure of that.
He’d probably be in his bedroom soon, maybe the bathroom. All that strength, those bulging muscles shifting as he showered, or climbing into bed. I wondered if he’d look up, if he’d think of me a couple floors above him.
Those thoughts scared me. I knew better than to think like that, to let myself imagine a scenario where it wasn’t just Tilly and me. That wasn’t for me, and not just because Rebecca had made me promise. Love, relationships, they were twisted, they hurt, they lied. Everyone, apart from Tilly, had cut me in a way that was deep and had left an ugly scar.
Even my mom. She’d tried to hide it, but she’d slipped up more than once, had made it clear she resented Rebecca and I, that deep down she blamed us for our father leaving, for the shitty life she had. Then later, she hadn’t tried to hide it at all. She’d left when we were old enough, like our dad.
So yeah, those scars still hurt. One more cut, and I knew there’d be nothing left. The last of me would bleed out, leaving me an empty shell.
I’d been discarded one too many times. And honestly, I couldn’t take another hit.
That’s why I’d shoved Jude away, why I’d shoved harder than he deserved.
He terrified me.
The damage he could do terrified me.
But what terrified me more was ignoring this thing—this huge, buzzing, electric tension between us, this hunger that was all consuming, because I knew deep in my gut, I’d never feel anything like this again.
But worse, that I’d never know what it was to be wanted the way I knew Jude wanted me.
Jude’s text came just like he said it would, and I hovered by the front window, waiting for him and Tilly to get home. I heard Jude’s bike before I saw it. And when they came into view, my breath stuck in my throat. Tilly wasn’t on the back, Jude had her in front of him, the solid, strength of his thighs and arms caging her in, big hands on the handlebars, making sure she was safe.
I had the door open and was coming down the stairs before he’d turned off the engine. He kicked down the stand and swung his leg over the back, then lifted Tils off after him.
I could see under the helmet she was wearing, which was smaller, and obviously made for a child, that she was smiling, wide, bigger than I had ever seen her smile.
My heart felt like it might burst in my chest from the sight of it.
Those big hands of Jude’s were undoing the strap under her chin, and he was smiling just as wide, sexy straight white teeth, flashing. He put the helmet on the seat and as he was turning back, Tilly threw her arms around him.
Jude looked taken aback for a split second, then he wrapped one of his arms around her narrow shoulders and gave her a squeeze. His head lifted, eyes coming to mine, and he gave me a chin lift. He was still angry with me. I didn’t blame him.
It didn’t matter, though, because I was close to running to him, and throwing myself in his arms, like my niece just had.
Tilly spun to me, eyes bright, face animated, a picture of pure joy.
“Did you see me!”
I grinned. “I saw you, baby.”
“You should have seen it. Jude pulled up and while he was putting on my helmet, I saw Blake heading to the bus. I told Jude which one he was and when he walked past us, Jude said his name. That’s it, nothing else, then lifted me onto his bike.” She giggle-snorted. “You should have seen Blake’s eyes go all big. Then he ran to the bus and got on, but I could see him watching as we rode off. It was so cool.”
“Wow, it sounds like it,” I said, struggling to find words, to focus on my niece, now that Jude was right in front of me, because this guy, this awesome guy, was not a fake, or a pretender. Jude was the real deal. There was no more doubt, not anymore. And he’d just gone out of his way to make my niece’s day, to make her smile when he didn’t have to. I mean, it wasn’t like he was trying to impress me. Why would he, after I’d kicked him in the teeth repeatedly.
“Can I go tell Fay?” Tilly said.
“Sure thing.”
I watched her tear off, flying up the stairs to Fay’s brownstone to pound on her front door. It opened and Tilly’s excited, “You won’t believe what just happened,” reached us before she went in and slammed the door behind her.
I turned back to Jude; he was watching me, expression wary.
“Thank you, for that, for…you made her smile. I don’t think she’s ever…” I had to stop, when embarrassingly, my eyes started to sting. “She hasn’t had a lot to smile about lately.”
His gaze moved over me, over my face, and his jaw tightened. “It was no problem. She’s a great kid.”
There was a distance between us, an invisible wall. I’d built it, brick by brick, and I didn’t know how to fix it. How to bring him close—but not too close. How to give us what we both wanted without breaking my promise to Rebecca, without earning myself another permanent scar.
“Where did you get the helmet? Did you borrow it?” I asked, to break the silence.
He glanced at it and his expression went blank. “No. I got it for my nephew. He used to love my bike.”
I didn’t know Jude had a nephew, but it wasn’t a surprise he had a family; a brother or sister, or both. The way he was, I imagined they were pretty great too. They’d have to be.
And really, there was no reason I would know. I’d never asked, and he’d never volunteered the information.
“How old is…”
“I need to go,” he said, voice grittier than I’d ever heard it.
Yeah, he was still pissed with me. But I didn’t want him to go, not yet. The least I could do was offer him a drink, a paltry offering after what he’d done for Tilly, but I couldn’t just let him go with a measly thanks. “Do you want to…”
“I need to head out,” he said, cutting me off again. “I’ve got stuff to do, paperwork from the case to tie up after being away.”
Yep. He’d given up on me. I’d blown it. I guess that saved me from my dilemma. I should be happy; he saved us both possible future drama. There was no risk of falling for him now. Still, I crossed my arms because I was afraid I’d reach for him, that I’d wrap myself around him and beg him to stay. “Of course,” I said instead.
“Say goodbye to Tils for me,” he said, then shoved the small helmet in one of the saddle bags. He swung his leg over the seat, started the bike, and without another glance my way, roared out.
13
Jude
I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing here. I tried to tell myself it was just because I wanted to make sure Willa was safe after all the disappearances, and that was true, but I also knew Raul had the security locked down, because I’d been the person he’d consulted with. That wasn’t the only reason I was here, though. The truth was, I was a damn glutton for punishment.
The music throbbed through Stilettos, the crowd heavy. My gaze skimmed over bodies; blonde hair, black, brunette, not really seeing any of them.
Finally, I found what I was looking for. Willa’s pink hair seemed brighter under the muted lighting. It was down and the way it framed her face, those delicate features…
Christ, my breath was knocked from my lungs, just from a glimpse of her on the other side of the club. And goddammit, that pissed me off. She’d made it clear she wasn’t interested in pursuing this thing between us, this fucking heat that felt like it was burning me alive.
After the texts, I thought…I stupidly thought she’d changed her mind. Lord knew I wasn’t relationship material. I was messed up in a whole lot of ways, had issues I hadn’t resolved, hadn’t even tried to resolve. But Willa drew me like no one else ever had. And yeah, fool that I was, I couldn’t stay the hell away from her.
I wanted her. I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anyone, which was why I was here, torturing myself, when I should be home, or hell, at a bar, looking for a way to firmly put her out of my mind. I’d even fooled myself into thinking that’s what I was going to do, had gone as far as arranging to meet Van for a drink at one of the clubs we frequented, but I’d ended up here instead.
Idiot.
What the hell am I doing here? I needed to leave, before she saw me, before I made even more of a fool of myself. Seeing her yesterday when I dropped off Tilly, having her talk to me like we hadn’t been on the verge of something, like we hadn’t been heading somewhere that I knew would be fucking amazing, had frustrated the hell out of me. Then she’d asked about the helmet. My nephew Louis’ helmet, and I’d retreated. I’d gotten the hell out of there.
I needed to do that now.
Still, I found myself moving closer, needing to get a good look at her before I left. Yep, total glutton for punishment.
I got a little closer, and that’s when I saw what she was doing over at one of the tables off to the side of the stage. There were a group of guys sitting around it, clean-cut business types, table covered in drinks. Looked like a Bachelor party. The guy who I assumed was the groom, sat back a little from the table, and Willa had her ass in his lap, grinding on the fucker. Every muscle in my body bunched hard as I forced myself to stay put, to not go over there and knock the asshole out. All I could do was stand there while she did her thing, dancing for him, rubbing up on him, playfully slapping his hands away when he tried to touch what he shouldn’t.
I wanted to tear his hands from his wrists and shove them down his fucking throat.
Moving around the edge of the room, I ended up behind them, at one of the tables in the corner against the wall, shrouded in shadow. There were bouncers there, good guys; some of them I knew well, but I couldn’t leave, I couldn’t leave her safety to anyone else. There was no fighting or ignoring the roaring creature inside me, a part of me I knew all too well, telling me to protect her. To keep her safe. What was new, was the almost violent need to claim her, to make her mine, in front of every asshole in here.
I had to shut that down though, for obvious reasons. Instead, I embraced my protective side, listened to my gut. I never ignored my instincts, not anymore. And mine were telling me to stay right the fuck where I was.
I watched, damn near half off my seat as they shoved bills down the sides of her g-string, couldn’t look away from the false smile on her face, the fucking dead look in her eyes as she finished the dance. And somehow managed to stay where I was when she walked away, heading backstage.
I ordered a drink while I waited for her to come back out because I was there for the night, I knew that much. I couldn’t leave until I knew she’d finished her shift, until I made sure no one touched her in a way she didn’t like, until I knew she was home safe.
My drink was delivered and I was taking my first sip when the music changed and Willa walked out on the stage, her hair, her skin, glowing under the spotlight. I ate up every inch of her. She was wearing a bright pink corset and a pale pink tutu that barely covered her ass. Her hair was up in a tight bun, like she was a real ballet dancer, and I watched, mesmerized, as she moved to the pole and started gracefully dancing around it.
She was deep in her own head, like she had been the last time I watched her dance, not seeing anyone, not in this room; she was somewhere else, somewhere she wanted to be. Holding the pole, she arched back and spun around, and at the same time lifted a hand and freed her hair, the long pale pink locks cascading down, grazing the floor. There was a look of ecstasy on her face that made my gut tighten painfully.
Releasing the pole, her fingers nimbly worked her tutu down, baring her tight ass encased in sheer lace booty shorts, to the club. I was torn between taking every fucker’s eyes out in the room and tearing my own away from her. Because this was torture.
The corset came off next, nothing underneath; just her perfect, tight, high little tits, dusty pink nipples on full display.
The table at the front erupted in cheers and bills were thrown on the stage, shoved down her panties, as she worked her way around the edge…
That’s when her eyes lifted, came right to me, and locked on.
My body went solid. Could she see me? It was dark, the lights bright on the stage.
Her eyes stayed on me, though, as she finished her dance, and I thought I might actually die from wanting her. My cock was rock hard, my chest pumping hard with every labored breath. I was goddamn losing it.
Finally, she walked off the stage and I slumped back.
Surely, she hadn’t seen me over here? But she had, hadn’t she? Her eyes had been vacant, somewhere else, until they came to me. Yeah, they’d changed then, they were here in the room. Alive.
I had to be imagining things. Seeing what I wanted to see.
I should go, but being around Willa; fuck, it was pleasure and agony combined.
It had me coming back for more, even when that feeling had guilt hammering through me so hard it could swallow me whole. I hadn’t felt anything good since I lost Kate and Louis. I shouldn’t indulge it. It wasn’t right.
Still, I couldn’t make myself leave.
A little while later, she hit the floor again, wearing a black bikini and fishnets, and any doubts I had about her seeing me or not vanished when those beautiful green eyes came right to me again and she headed across the floor, straight for me.
My head tilted back when she walked right up without hesitation, right between my spread thighs, and looked do
wn at me.
“Enjoy the show?” she said, but there was nothing but curiosity on her face.
I nodded, unable to do anything else.
A small, sexy as fuck smile curved her lips. “Then you’re going to really love this.”
My hands automatically went to her waist when she turned and pressed that sexy round ass against my lap. I had no idea why she was doing this, but I was powerless to stop her, not when I’d wanted her so bad, for so long. She spun back, and her hands went to my shoulders, moving over me, curling up the side of my neck, and my breath caught in my throat when her eyes locked on mine and she climbed into my lap, thighs straddling me.
My fingers dug into her tiny waist when her mouth went to my ear, soft lips, warm breath. “God, you feel so good,” she said.
Fuck. “Willa, you don’t have to…”
Her hips rolled, arms tightening around my neck, her lace-covered pussy grinding against my hard dick.
“So good,” she said again.
She felt fucking good to me as well. I never wanted her off my lap. We were relatively private over here in the shadows; still, I slid my hands up, cupping her face, making her look at me. Her eyes were dark with lust. “What’s going on, beautiful?”
“For once…” She shook her head. “Don’t be the good guy, Jude. Just, go with it. Give yourself this.” I felt a shiver move through her entire body. “Don’t you feel it, Christ, everywhere we touch, it’s like were sparking off each other.”
I slid one of my hands down to her ass and squeezed. “Fuck yeah, I feel it.”
She kept her eyes on mine and ground her hips into mine again, and in that moment, I didn’t give a fuck who was watching us, what this was, why she wanted this; I just had to give it to her, to me. I kept my arm locked around her shoulders, the other on her perfect ass, while she worked herself up against me.
We didn’t speak, didn’t kiss, just stared at each other, her eyes locked on mine, showing me everything she was feeling. Her mouth opened a little, and I could feel her indrawn breath, the way she held it, getting lost in the pleasure I saw in her eyes, the uninhibited hunger she wasn’t even trying to hide from me.
Ruthless Protector (A Lawless Kings Novel Book 4) Page 14