by Aria Ford
I didn’t know I could feel like that.
I smiled. At least now I knew how amazing it could be, to sleep with someone. I would probably wish I didn’t know soon enough, I thought wryly. If I had any more lovers they would seem disappointing, after him.
I drained my coffee. I sighed.
“Well, that’s that,” I told myself. I made myself walk back through to the kitchen of memories and put my cup under the tap, rinsing it out. The I went upstairs. I should work.
I opened my sketch pad and started drawing. I looked at the other pictures I’d made previously, hopeful, uplifting shapes and colors, lines that reached up and out and inspired joy and lightheartedness. I sighed.
“I can’t work on this now,” I told myself tightly. If this brand was about cheerful optimism—and I couldn’t imagine a clearer interpretation of the word “daisy” than those words—then I was going to be out of the game for quite a while.
I closed the sketch pad and reached for my laptop instead. I was busy checking my mail when someone called.
“Hey? Oh! Hi!”
It was Carla. I felt a sudden lift in my mood. I hadn’t heard from her for ages.
“Carla!” I said cheerfully. “How’s work?”
She laughed. “Well, it’s going okay, actually. Just got back from lunch. Exciting new projects. Wish you were here.”
I smiled. “Well, I’ve brought work with me. The collection’s starting to develop well.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah.”
I described some of my work to her. When I was finished, she laughed.
“Well, you sound like you’re very productive,” she said. “It’s great. You sound so happy.”
“I am happy,” I said. At least, Kyle had made me happy. The thought of leaving him wasn’t happy, though.
“Well, good,” she said, sounding content. “Are there nice guys in San Diego?”
I chuckled. “You can’t spit without hitting one,” I relayed.
She giggled. “Oh! Well! Remind me to head down there for my summer break too!”
“I will,” I told her.
“Well,” she paused. “I hope you meet someone. It’d be great to see you give Luke a well-deserved slap in the face.”
“Luke?” I frowned, feeling tense. He was my ex-boyfriend, and a particularly difficult sort. “Why do you say that?”
“Oh! Well, I heard from Skyler that he’s in town?” she paused. “Sorry. I just thought you might have seen him around. Thought I’d warn you.”
“Oh?” My heart started to thump. Luke and I had met when I was visiting Rodney, shortly after he started his new job with Kyle’s dad. I knew he lived somewhere close. I had no idea he was in town, however. The thought left me with a discomforting feeling.
“Well,” my friend said, “I guess I’m being silly. It’s a big city. No reason why you might see him—I just hoped he could get a smack from you. He sure does deserve one.”
I laughed. “I think so,” I agreed nervously. I tried to laugh, but it came out sounding forced.
“Well, I…oh heck,” she said. “I just saw Bryanne. I should go.”
Bryanne was our boss. I nodded. “Sure. See you.”
“Bye.”
I sat there feeling odd. Luke?
I had broken up with him a few months ago. At the time, he had taken it badly. I had been glad when he had gotten a job in his hometown of San Diego and returned. Less chance of bumping into him on the street.
“Come on! Bethany!” I shook my head at myself, trying to persuade myself this was all ridiculous. “What do you think he’ll do to you? Hey?”
I sighed. Luke had always had some violent tendencies. He had tried to choke me once, though he’d said it was just pretending and he’d gotten too involved. I was never so sure. And when he lost his temper, he often clenched his fists at his sides, as if it was an effort not to use them in anger.
I had been relieved when we’d finally split, mainly because of that undertone of violence. I never felt safe with him, not ever, I realized slowly. I always had a feeling that if I disobeyed him, if I made him mad at me, he’d hurt me.
It was only now, when I had finally met someone like Kyle, I could see what it felt like not to feel like that.
I hope I never have to talk to him again.
I sighed. Stood and stretched. I realized I had been sitting in my office for about an hour. It was sunny outside, the sunshine falling in warm blocks of orange on the carpet. I sighed.
“I could do with a walk,” I told myself. I stretched, yawned and stood. I took my drawing equipment with me. Maybe I would feel inspired out in the fresh air.
I was tired, I realized as I walked down the sidewalk, heading toward the nearby park. I wasn’t surprised—I’d been up for a long time last night and woken fairly early.
I was still smiling fondly at the memories of that morning when I reached the park. It was quiet at this time of the afternoon. The trees reached up into a wind-still day. The paths were uncluttered, the only people in the place either quietly walking their dogs on the lawn or sitting in the sun on benches, reading.
I found a bench and settled down. I stretched and yawned expansively, enjoying the summer’s warmth. I took out my sketch pad and held my pencil poised, waiting to see if inspiration hit me.
I heard childish shrieks and watched a little boy, running alongside his dad. He was trying to get his kite up into the air, I realized. It trailed behind him. I watched, smiling, as the father helped to lift it and they ran together.
That’s what it means to be a dad.
I sighed. The little boy had dark hair and a pointed chin. He made me wonder if that was what the boyish Kyle had looked like. The way he looked up at his father tugged on my feelings.
Kyle had probably trusted his father like that, I thought. The betrayal of trust was cruel. I blinked, feeling my eyes damp as I thought about how confused and hurt the inner child of Kyle must be.
You really care for him, don’t you?
I snorted.
It was silly of me, I knew. My heart was just busy recovering and healing from a painful relationship of my own, and here I was letting myself get hurt again.
But this time, I thought, lifting my pencil and absently noting down a sketch of the kite as it launched up into the air, long tail sinuous in the gently moving wind, I wasn’t going to be hurt on purpose.
Kyle, I reckoned, wasn’t the sort to go ripping big holes in someone’s emotional defense. He might be defensive, aloof, hesitant. But he was kind. I had seen that in him from soon after we’d met.
“Well, I guess I should just be pleased I met him,” I said quietly. I finished drawing the kite. Watched the little boy laugh and point up, tugging on the string with his other hand. I wasn’t going to let myself think about the future. Like the kite, I wasn’t going to fetter my relationship with Kyle.
I would let it soar. And if that meant I lost it, well—it was free.
I sniffed, feeling my heart ache. I noted down some words in my sketch pad. Innocence. Freshness. Lightheartedness.
Then I stood and rolled my shoulders experimentally, feeling restless. I tucked the sketch pad into my handbag. Walked on.
I passed an ice cream stand on the corner. My mouth was dry and I had a few coins in my pocket. I scratched around, found the right amount, and headed over.
“Chocolate, please,” I requested. I thanked the guy, paid for my ice cream, and headed off.
It was good ice cream, stiff and flavorful. I licked it, savoring the sweet, rich flavor. I was walking along, eating and looking at the lawn, my mind still playing with ideas around my work. I was in another world.
I saw feet and the trace of jeans just before I walked into the guy. I looked up.
“Oh,” I said quickly. “So sorry! I wasn’t looking.”
I looked up. I stared.
I froze.
“Bethany?” the person said. He stared at me. I shivered.
&nbs
p; I turned around.
It was Luke.
“Hey,” he called to me. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t look back: just walked the other direction.
When I reached the end of the road I stopped, eyes shut. I was sweating. “Dammit, Bethany,” I said to myself. “Stop shaking. It’s okay. He can’t hurt you.”
I stood there, letting out a long, shuddering breath, and then another. After a while, I felt ready to walk on. I finished my ice cream as I went around the corner to the house. While I walked, I considered my reaction. “Why am I so scared?”
I frowned, thinking about it. My reaction to Luke had been so instant, so overwhelming. I was still shivering, just a little—a slight tremor in my torso.
I reached home and let myself in, locking the door behind me. I leaned on it, letting out a long, steady exhale. I recalled what had happened when we broke up.
“I won’t ever stand for someone else having you,” he’d said to me. “I’ll kill you first.”
I closed my eyes and let out a long sigh.
What if it was true? Would he kill me if he saw me with somebody else? I shrugged.
He’s not likely to see me with somebody else, I decided. After all, I was only in town four more days. The risk of him seeing me at all was minimal. And who was he going to see me with? The few times I’d spent with Kyle, he hadn’t seen me—he couldn’t have done—and so he didn’t know about that. I was safe.
Chapter 17: Kyle
I was at home, tidying up my apartment. It wasn’t often I spent much time in it and I did have very high standards for neatness. It wasn’t really untidy, though—I don’t own much that can get untidy—and I had to admit to myself that I was really just trying to make myself busy.
I didn’t want to think too hard about Bethany.
When I thought of her, my heart lit up. I smiled. I couldn’t help it. The thought of her sweet body, her gentle smile, her delicious playfulness. I had no idea what it was about her—all of that and none of that—but she made my life worth living just by existing in it.
I stopped what I was doing and stared at the wall as that thought and all it meant hit into me.
“Come on, Kyle. Don’t you think you’re going a bit, well, too fast?”
I sighed. Yeah, let’s be honest. I was falling for her badly.
I was on my knees at my drawers, organizing my tie collection. I dropped a Dior tie into the set and stood, stretching my back out.
I should really know better, I reflected, than to trust someone to go this far into my heart.
All the same, though, I couldn’t help being so attached, so quickly.
My phone rang. I grabbed it, suddenly alert. What if it was her? Or my dad, asking why I wasn’t at work? A mixture of joy and adrenalinecc ran through my veins.
It wasn’t either of them. It was Chase, one of my acquaintances from my playboy years.
“Chase?” I was amazed. “What the hell, man? It’s been ages.”
“Hi,” he chuckled. “Good to hear you. How’s it been?”
“Okay,” I commented.” Haven’t seen you in a long time!” I hadn’t seen him since I stopped living that lifestyle about two years ago.
“I thought I saw you in Diamond the other day,” he said.
I blushed. “I was there.”
“Hey!” Chase sounded happy. “Great. Well?”
“What?”
“Well, are you coming out later?”
I chuckled. “That’s really nice of you to say that,” I said. “But no…I don’t do that anymore.”
“Come on, Kyle!” he sounded exasperated and a little disappointed. “Let’s do it. Where’s your sense of adventure?”
I felt myself smile. “I found something nicer.”
“Oh?” he sounded curious. “What’s that? Are you saying you’ve settled down?”
I smiled. Let him guess. “Maybe,” I said.
“Wow,” he sounded amazed. “Good for you.”
I smiled. I couldn’t help it. “Thanks, Chase,” I said.
“Well, then. Good luck, man.”
“Thanks, Chase. Same there.”
As the call ended, I found myself sitting there with a silly smile. I had never really thought about that before. But clearly it was in my mind, or why had I said that now?
Well, why not?
I laughed. Here I was, with my phone in my hand and my sock drawer open, sitting in my room and dreaming about a girl.
“Maybe other people did this years ago,” I told myself. As a teenager I had other things on my mind than navigating the space of relationships. Maybe other people had gone through this years ago. But I hadn’t. Well, I was just glad I was feeling it now—it felt wonderful.
Come on, Kyle. Enough dreaming. Let’s go for a walk.
I swung my arms, letting the circulation flow through my shoulders, realizing that I had been sitting cramped up almost all afternoon. I decided to go for a walk. I took my jacket, my wallet and my keys, and headed down. My phone slapped against my thigh as I tugged on my jacket.
As I headed into the sunshine, I realized that I didn’t know what time it was. For a workday, that was unthinkable. I grinned. It had been way too long since I took time away. I reached into my pocket out of habit, finding out how late it was.
“Only three P.M.,” I told myself. It looked later, with the sun slanting in long orange lines across the path, making thinned-out shadows of the trees. I smiled. I didn’t know if it was just imagination, or whether, since meeting Bethany, I was starting to appreciate the natural world more.
It must be her artistic influence on me.
I grinned and, as I drifted past a beautiful bed of daisies, I stopped, snapped a picture, and sent it to her. It was a good reply to her last text. Better than anything I could have thought up.
I was feeling proud of myself—pictures are worth a thousand words—when I turned along the street into the park. While I walked briskly round in the fresh air, letting the warmth and the sunshine seep into me and stretch out the aches in my body, I wondered seriously whether there was a chance for me and Bethany. I hoped so.
I smiled to myself. There was no reason why not, I reckoned. She liked me. I really liked her. And something in me told me I could trust her. I was very reluctant to trust anyone—understandably, given my background—but she seemed almost like I could try. I let myself entertain the idea.
The park was starting to get crowded by the time I left—people coming back from work early, or kids coming back from school. I could hear them moving about—running feet, shouts. Someone had brought a radio and it shattered the peace of the garden. I stood, stiffly, and headed up the pathway.
I reached my street and checked the time, seeing it was four thirty. I should probably go back home. See if I needed to go out to buy anything as ingredients for dinner. I rolled my shoulders, considering a trip to the gym. My phone showed no new messages and I had to allow that I was a little disappointed. I had kind of hoped that Bethany would reply with some comment to my picture.
I sighed.
“Come on, you. She’s probably resting,” I told myself with a frown. After all, I’d woken the poor woman up early. I grinned to myself, the memories of earlier flooding back.
I opened the door, headed upstairs to my apartment and checked the shelves of the pantry. I didn’t have much in the way of things to eat. I headed down to the store.
By the time I was back, I still hadn’t heard anything from Bethany. I remonstrated with myself briskly.
“Kyle, you took more than a day to reply. Stop expecting anything more of her.”
I sighed. Grinned at myself. It was five thirty. I could go to the gym and then cook dinner and get an early night’s sleep. I considered inviting Bethany out for lunch tomorrow.
Why not?
I knew it would probably be hard to fit it into my schedule, but it was worth it. At the thought of the fact that she was only in town a few more days, my heart clenched tightly. I didn
’t like that thought. I might as well try to spend as much time with her as I could.
I sighed and texted her. Join me for lunch at Waddington’s at twelve tomorrow afternoon?
I put my phone in my pocket, reminding myself sternly not to check it again until much later. Then I went to the gym.
When I got back, I started cooking something quick—stir-fry vegetables. I enjoyed cooking. I was busy adding coconut milk and wondering if I’d got the ratio of oil, coconut and ginger right yet, when my phone rang.
My mind instantly jumping to thoughts of her, I ran for it.
“Hi?”
I sighed as I heard Dad’s voice and greeted him, feeling like someone had hit me in the chest.
“Kyle,” he said at once. “I heard you had to reschedule the meeting today. You’re ill?”
“I was,” I said quickly. “I feel better now.”
“You went through the proper channels? I don’t want you taking it easy because you’re my son. You know I don’t tolerate laziness.”
I was speechless. “Who are you?” I said.