She laughed. ‘My friends are doing it. They sound like they are having fun…’
‘I rest my case,’ he said, smiling.
‘Did many come up from your school?’
‘Not a soul,’ he said. ‘So I can’t leave. Because,’ he spoke slowly, ‘my mother would kill me. The shame. She’d prefer me dead than a failed medical student.’
They laughed, knowing that it was a hair-breadth from exaggeration.
‘Mine too.’ It just came out, but Eilis was so desperate to show Rob that he wasn’t alone that she momentarily forgot her mother was dead.
‘They’re all the same. Mothers.’
She nodded. ‘But mine’s… mine’s…’
He waited, curious.
‘Mine’s dead.’
‘Dead?’ He almost laughed from surprise. ‘When?’
‘In May.’
‘May just gone?’ His mouth fell open.
She nodded and bit her lip.
‘And I thought my exams were hard work.’ He stared at her. Eilis wished she hadn’t said anything. It always made people embarrassed, telling them.
‘Well?’ He changed the subject much to her relief. ‘What about something to eat. Medical students need to eat. Keep our strength up.’ He spoke in the voice of an old Irish Mammy and Eilis laughed. ‘You on?’
‘Okay.’ It was the first time since she had started at college that someone had reached out to her. She grabbed on.
They found a tiny vegetarian restaurant on Suffolk Street that did beans and rice, along with a glass of unspeakable wine for the princely sum of three pounds.
‘It’s terrifying,’ she confessed. ‘Everything. The work, the lecturers, the others, the fact that I don’t fit in. The fact I don’t have nice, swishy hair, which seems like a prerequisite to being on this course – male or female.’
Rob laughed. ‘And I haven’t told anyone yet, but I have never played rugby in my life and I have no plans to take it up. I keep grunting in the manner of a rugby player. When they find out, I will,’ he paused dramatically, ‘be asked to leave.’
‘The Mammy!’
‘Scandalised!’ He drained the last of his horrible wine.
‘We just have to get through it…’ She trailed off.
‘Well,’ he looked at her thoughtfully, ‘maybe we could… help each other. We have six more years of this. Maybe we could be a support group of two? What do you think?’
‘I’d like that.’ She spoke carefully and quietly. She felt something inside her dislodge as the pain she had been carrying around her seemed to react to his lifeline. ‘So… I’ll be your friend and you’ll be mine.’
He held out his hand. ‘Deal?’
‘Deal.’ They shook on it.
‘Another glass of this wojus wine?’
‘Why not?’
They clinked and drank to themselves. ‘To happiness… may it be ours.’
And that was then, when she thought that maybe Rob would help her through life. And that maybe she might help him. But here she was, nearly forty, and things hadn’t gone quite to plan.
‘What shall I do, Mam?’ She brought the cardigan to her face, hoping there was a trace of her mother left. It just smelled of old cardigan. ‘What shall I do?’
She sat there, on the bed, with the cardigan pressed to her face, tears dampening it. Eventually, she slipped it over her shoulders and buttoned it up and went back downstairs. She missed her mother so much. But it was crazy. Wasn’t time meant to heal? Weren’t you meant to feel okay about someone’s death after a few years; sad but philosophical? Bearing up, keeping on keeping on? She wondered how she could move on but she seemed stuck.
19
The girls
The next task on the reunion-reunioners was to find addresses for the girls, now women, who were in their year at school. The school had given old records of parent’s addresses but, after twenty years, no one thought it was going to be easy.
The friends met in a wine bar in town.
‘Let’s split the names up and we can start contacting them. Is that all right?’ said Steph, seeming quite normal.
‘I’ve got an idea,’ said Melissa. She took out a pair of tiny nail scissors from her bag and started cutting the list into three. ‘That’s for you, Steph… and there’s yours Eilis. And this is mine. Done. Let’s contact them all when we can. Right, business part of the evening sorted. Let’s relax and enjoy ourselves.’
Steph collared the waiter and ordered a glass of red wine. He asked her what type. ‘Just red is fine,’ she smiled. ‘Large, please.’ She looked back at the other two who were watching her closely.
Eilis and Melissa glanced at each other. ‘It’s medicinal,’ Steph explained. ‘Heart and stuff. Red wine is good for you. You should know that, Eilis.’ The waiter returned and placed a huge glass of wine in front of her. She had begun to rely on the medicinal qualities of wine too much she realized, knowing that she would have to knock the extra glasses on the head very soon. But just this one glass would sort her out, change the fluttery feeling inside her to something warmer, more soothing.
‘No one needs that much medicine,’ said Eilis. ‘Unless you are a whale.’
‘Everything all right, Steph?’ said Melissa.
‘Never better!’ she announced smiling manically. She picked up the glass like a priest with a chalice and drank deeply. ‘And now,’ she said grasping it with both hands, ‘even better than better.’
Finally, she put the empty glass down.
‘Now I feel human,’ she announced. ‘And I don’t need anymore. I’m fine now. Just took the edge off a few… things.’ She drank some water. ‘Melissa, how has your week been? Eilis, any news to report?’
The two of them had been sitting there silently watching her. They shook their heads.
‘Have you anything to report, Steph?’ asked Melissa, suspiciously. ‘How was Rome?’
‘Great… Rome was… you know, umm…’ What to say? It was a nightmare and I am mortified beyond what a normal person could stand. And I have to leave my husband, but I am not sure how that will happen or if I can actually do it. She had kept out of Rick’s way since returning from Rome and ducked back into the house whenever she had heard Miriam’s front door opening. She was living the life of a fugitive. In her own house. It was crazy.
‘It was… beautiful,’ she said. ‘Apart from the rain.’
The only light in the entire weekend was when she went to collect Rachel from her parent’s house. Box sets had been watched and Rachel was now an expert in various card games and Nuala was teaching her granddaughter to knit and the two were surrounded by wool and patterns, Joe snoozing in the armchair. Nuala looked tired, though, paler than usual. She just needed a few walks on the Wicklow Hills thought Steph, get some colour in her cheeks. Would do us all good, she said to herself, wondering if she was too young to join the Wanderers.
‘So… how was Rome?’ asked Nuala, getting up with difficulty so that Rachel helped pull her up, and giving Joe a shake.
‘Oh it was lovely… all the gang. Miriam and Hugh, of course. Buckets of wine. You know, the usual.’ She beamed at them. The smile of the convicted. A woman facing the executioner’s axe. A look passed between Nuala and Joe, fleeting and almost imperceptible, but Steph caught it.
Nuala made her a pot of tea and Steph could feel herself trembling as she handed out the spoils of the trip – a purse for Rachel from a scary designer, which she’d had to converse in broken Italian to buy. Rachel loved it, she could tell, but her daughter just said, ‘Oh, thanks Mum.’ And for Nuala, she had bought a pink silk scarf, from a less scary shop, one she was allowed to go in and actually touch the merchandise. And for Joe? She had gone into a shop which sold clothes for the clergy and had bought him a pair of bright red cardinal socks. He was delighted. He was so easy to buy for, always pleased with everything.
‘I’ll wear these to Mass,’ he said. ‘When we next go.’
‘And when is that goi
ng to be?’ asked Nuala.
‘Ah, you know… sometime. Or maybe I’ll wear them now.’ He put them on and walked around in his socks, wiggling his toes, so everyone had to keep admiring them.
‘Ready to go, Rach?’ said Steph, standing up, eventually. ‘I don’t think I can say how good those socks look once more.’
‘Already?’ said Nuala. ‘But we’ve got used to having Rachel here…’
‘It’s nicer living here than home,’ said Rachel.
Steph wondered if she was serious. Rachel seemed happy enough at home, it was Steph she had the problem with.
‘But now you can play bridge,’ said Nuala. ‘You can teach all your friends. That’s what we used to do when I was young, get together for bridge.’
Rachel looked sceptical.
‘I can play with you sometime, if you like,’ offered Steph. ‘Granny taught me when I was young.’
‘Yeah… maybe.’ Rachel was off-hand and Steph longed to reach out and hold her close and to ask her what was going on in that teenage brain of her and explain that adults didn’t always get it right and that Rachel was loved, deeply loved for who she was and the young woman she was growing into.
She became aware that Melissa and Eilis had been trying to get her attention.
‘Steph, what’s going on? Are you okay?’ asked Eilis. ‘You’re miles away.’
‘Not hungry,’ said Steph, trying to smile. ‘Just drinky.’ She picked up her wine glass and took a large sip and immediately wished she hadn’t. The wine suddenly reminded her of Rome and so she picked up her water glass. ‘You know, she said, I think I’ll stick to water. I think I’ve gone off wine.’
Eilis and Melissa again exchanged a glance. What was going on?
The waiter returned with their food, Caesar salad for Steph, posh burger for Melissa and tuna steak for Eilis.
‘You know?’ said Steph. ‘Wine isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.’
‘Really?’ said Eilis, smiling but wondering what Steph was hinting at. ‘And I thought it was the great social lubricant. That we wouldn’t be able to even talk to people without a couple of glasses on board.’
‘I just drank too much in Rome,’ said Steph. ‘It’s nice for a few and then… you know…’ She drifted off.
‘Was Rome okay?’ said Eilis.
‘Rome was Rome,’ she said. ‘We all just drank too much.’
Melissa and Eilis waited for her to say more but it was clear that Steph didn’t want to continue.
‘This looks good,’ said Melissa and set about trying to eat the burger with a knife and fork. ‘I give up,’ she said, ‘would anyone mind if I…?’
Steph and Eilis shook their heads and Melissa picked the burger up with two hands and began to eat. ‘I am starving,’ she said. ‘I am finding food a great comfort these days.’ She thought of Cormac and wondered where he was and what he was doing. She felt adrift without him. She had texted him and phoned him but he never answered these days. It was clear that he wasn’t just busy, she was being cold-shouldered. Had she said something to make him recede like this, after so many years of being so close? Had he picked up on her feelings for him? Was he awkward and did he think the best way to let her down was to drop her like a stone?
Steph took one mouthful of her salad and put down her fork. ‘You can have mine, if you like,’ she said to Melissa. ‘I’m not feeling too great.’ She smiled as if to say that everything was all right. ‘I’ll be fine, just slightly under the weather.’
‘Steph, what’s wrong?’ said Melissa. ‘Tell us. Please. Is something going on? Did something happen in Rome?’ After unburdening herself about her own mother, she really wanted Steph to do the same. She felt so much better reaching out to her friends and sharing a problem which she had carried around all her life, she wanted them to feel they could do the same.
And then, in an instant, the Cheshire cat grin faded and tears filled Steph’s eyes.
‘Everything’s fine,’ she said. ‘Everything’s fine.’
‘It’s not, is it?’ persisted Eilis. ‘Come on, you can tell us. That’s what we’re here for.’
And Steph looked up at them, defeated. ‘You’re right, everything’s not fine. Everything’s awful. And I don’t know what to do.’
‘Go on…’ urged Melissa gently.
‘Rick is… Rick is sleeping with Miriam. I saw them… doing it,’ she said, tearfully. ‘At the communion. In the garden.’
Melissa and Eilis were open-mouthed.
‘Jesus!’ said Melissa.
‘Are you sure?’ Eilis said.
‘Yeah,’ said Steph. ‘I’m sure. I wish I wasn’t, but I’m very sure indeed.’
Melissa had reached over and grasped Steph’s hand. Eilis took the other, shaking her head in shock.
‘That’s awful,’ she soothed. ‘Jesus! That must have been terrible.’ She looked at Eilis and mouthed ‘Bastard’. Eilis nodded grimly.
Steph was really crying now. ‘Oh, don’t be nice to me, it’ll make it worse.’ She looked around to see if anyone in the restaurant had noticed. ‘It’s been going on for ages, years actually, and I was just trying to pretend it wasn’t happening at all and now… I can’t really.’ She lowered her voice. ‘You’re the only ones who know. Don’t tell anyone.’
They both shook their heads. ‘We won’t.’
‘And he’s horrible to me, too. I’m sure I’m awful to live with and everything but he’s not a nice person to live with. Not nice at all.’
Eilis and Melissa looked at each other.
‘In what ways is he not nice?’ said Eilis.
‘Oh, he gets angry and he shouts at me. He’s just got this layer of aggression all the time, ready to spill over. And it’s only ever directed at me. No one else. Not Miriam. Or Angeline.’
‘There’s another one?’ said Melissa.
Steph nodded. ‘Work colleague. 29.’
‘Has he ever hit you,’ said Eilis. ‘Has he ever hurt you?’
‘A couple of times,’ said Steph. ‘Not badly but just pushing me around.’
‘You need to get out of there,’ said Eilis.
‘We can help you,’ said Melissa.
‘I know. And I will. I’m going to get my shit together. I promise. I just need a bit more time. I’m not in danger or anything just need to try and decide how to do this.’
‘What about Rachel?’ said Melissa. ‘Is he nice to Rachel?’
‘Yeah, he is,’ Steph said. ‘In his own way. She is angry at me and not him so much. I don’t know why.’
‘Mothers and daughters,’ said Melissa. ‘So close. It’s a more complicated relationship.’
‘I suppose, I don’t know. But she wants him to go to watch her play hockey but she never asks me.’
‘But could that be one way of her reaching out to him?’ said Eilis. ‘He’s hard to get close to and this is it?’
‘I suppose, but he’s the one having an affair, not me, I’m the one who’s there for her and who wants to spend time with her. ’
‘You’ll sort it out, I promise,’ said Melissa. ‘She’s only sixteen.’ Melissa hoped it would work out for Steph and Rachel, that they would find their way back to each other again. She remembered how much she longed for her own mother aged sixteen, except in her case it was her mother rejecting her. And she was determined that Steph would move out and away from Rick. She wondered if they could move in with her for a bit. That could work. The three of them together could sort this one out.
‘And,’ continued Steph, dabbing her eyes with a napkin, ‘this thing with Angeline. He’s having an affair with an affair.’
‘Who does that?’ said Melissa. ‘Jesus!’
Steph nodded. ‘And I thought she was nice. I’ve met her at the Partners’ Partners’ Party.’
‘Was that,’ said Eilis, ‘what it was actually called? Someone went a bit alliteration crazy.’
‘An alliterative arse,’ said Melissa.
They all laughed, even Steph. ‘But
,’ she continued, ‘Angeline was lovely. Now I know why. She just wanted to see what I was like.’
‘What a cow,’ said Melissa. ‘Conniving, cunning cow. Shall I stop with the alliteration now?’
‘I found texts,’ said Steph. ‘She seems to be in love with him.’
‘Fool,’ said Eilis, ‘she’s a fool. And so’s Miriam.’
‘A fecking, flipping fool,’ said Melissa. ‘Sorry,’ she said, ‘it just came out.’
‘But I am too, aren’t I?’ said Steph. ‘I am just in this terrible mess which I can’t get out of. I keep doing the most destructive things…’
‘Like what?’ said Eilis.
‘Like… oh I don’t know, like things I shouldn’t do…’ She couldn’t mention the shoplifting, it was too shameful. She was feeling a big enough failure in front of her friends already and they were being so nice to her. She didn’t know if she deserved such kindness. ‘I just can’t help myself. I can’t quite focus enough on anything to move on. I don’t know how to change things. It’s been like this for years and years and I keep going round and round and round. I’m going mad.’
‘No, you’re not,’ said Eilis, ‘it might feel like it, but this is what life feels like. It’s not easy to live and be normal. Things always happen and you’ve just got to get through them. And you will. You’ll get through this.’
‘Yes,’ said Melissa, ‘you will, Steph. You’re strong, you’re brilliant. You’ll get through it.’
‘But I don’t know what the future looks like,’ said Steph. ‘I don’t know how it is going to end. If I knew, it might make it easier. I don’t want to be with him but don’t know how I am going to move on. I have no plan at the moment. I’ve only just realized that I don’t have to be like this for the rest of my life.’
‘But no one knows, none of us know what is going to happen,’ said Eilis. ‘We just have to keep going, you know?’
‘You have us, Steph, doesn’t she Eils?’ said Melissa. ‘We’re here for you, whenever you need us.’
‘I suppose I’m scared,’ said Steph. ‘You know, the future… that things might get worse.’
‘They might, but then it will be okay, that’s the way life works,’ said Eilis, wishing fervently that she was able to apply such wisdom to herself.
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