He stared down at the table glumly. I turned my chair to face him and took both his hands in mine.
‘Why?’ I demanded gently. ‘Why didn’t you tell me the truth? If you were in love with me like you say, then why keep me in the dark?’
‘In love with you?’ He looked at me surprised. ‘Hetty, you were a mate, I loved you as a friend, but you were – you are – Dan’s girl, I’d never have—’
I interrupted him with a gasp as I realized my mistake. ‘Oh gosh.’ I sprang up and away from him, feeling like the world’s biggest idiot.
‘It was Anna, not me. Of course it was. You were in love with Anna.’
Joe pressed a hand to his forehead and groaned. ‘Yes. I’m sorry if I gave a different impression.’
‘Dan and you. Both of you chose her. Not me. Oh no, Hetty was just the silly girl who didn’t notice what was going on under her own nose.’
‘That’s not true.’ He reached a hand to my shoulder but I shrugged him off.
‘Go,’ I said in a muffled voice through my tears. ‘Please go.’
‘Hetty, you are wonderful. I’ve always cared for you. I thought at the time Dan didn’t deserve you and I told him as much when he came to see me to ask for my advice. I couldn’t understand why he’d cheat on you.’
I stared at him. ‘So Dan knew you’d seen him with Anna?’
Joe nodded. ‘He was mortified. In fact, I think he cried. But I don’t think Anna knew, unless Dan told her. You know, there were so many times when I almost told Dan how I felt about Anna, but something held me back. She was so beautiful I thought I didn’t stand a chance. After I saw them together I was so upset. Not just for myself but for you too. That’s why I severed all ties with the three of you. It felt the right time to make a fresh start. I assumed that at some point in the last fifteen years, the truth would have come out.’
I hung my head and let the tears flow. ‘Dan and Anna have kept it a secret all this time. How do we carry on from here?’
Joe stepped forward and gently pulled me into his arms. ‘Look at the life you’ve built for yourselves. Don’t throw that away over something that happened when you were kids.’
I waved my arm around the kitchen. ‘But this has all been a lie. Maybe he only came to Cornwall for me because Anna turned him down. His dad had passed away and he needed someone to help run the farm. Maybe if she’d said yes, this would be her kitchen, her life with Bart, and because she’s so perfect, she’d have probably gone on to have more children like I wanted. Maybe,’ I finished with a sniff, ‘all this time I’ve been second best.’
‘And when he did come to Cornwall?’ Joe raised an eyebrow. ‘Were you still single? There seemed to be history between you and Gil, judging by the way you greeted each other.’
‘Gil and I were … I was just …’ My face burned like a furnace. ‘He celebrated my eighteenth birthday with me. At the time he felt like the only friend I had. We got very close very quickly.’
Joe waited. ‘And Saturday? You seemed to be getting on pretty well when I found you then too.’
I stepped away from him and lifted my chin defiantly. ‘You don’t get to judge me, Joe. You just don’t.’
He sighed and scratched a hand distractedly through his beard. ‘You’re right. And I’m not judging, I … Hetty, I’ve spent a long time searching for someone to fill the gap in my heart that Anna left. Promise me you won’t be too hasty to do the same with Dan.’
I acknowledged his words with a nod. Right now I was angry and sad and hurt. I felt cheated and lied to, and I didn’t know who to trust.
Wordlessly, I began to crimp the pastry edges of my pie, binding the top with the base and sealing in the filling, pinching and turning, pinching and turning, just as Gil had shown me to do fifteen years ago. Joe watched for a moment and then stood up. He took an envelope from his pocket and set it on the table.
‘You are a fabulous woman, Hetty. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be okay. Here. Your prize money. And Gil asked me to pass on his number; I’ve written it on the envelope.’
I didn’t look up until he’d gone.
Chapter 25
So now I knew everything. Joe had been in love with Anna and Dan had fallen for her charms too. I got it; she was pretty, funny, adorable. But now, fifteen years later, where did that leave us all? It was a mess and not just for the adults, for the kids too.
As soon as my summer pie was out of the oven I set it on the cooling rack and picked up my keys. Dan would be back soon and I didn’t know what to say to him. Or how to be around him other than very angry. Outside, the steep hills beckoned. What I really needed was a good stomp up towards the fells with Rusty panting along beside me; today I missed him more than ever.
I pulled the door closed behind me, picked up a tennis ball from the yard, released Fern and Jake from their kennels and set off across the meadow.
The clouds had begun to thicken over Brant Hill, my destination, but I didn’t mind. If anything, a gloomier sky mirrored my mood. The dogs set off joyously, looking for jobs to do. That was the difference between Dan’s working dogs and Rusty, who’d never done a useful day’s work in his life. Rusty had always been simply happy to be by my side, stopping when I stopped, sniffing at anything I showed an interest in, like a wild flower or a bird’s egg fallen from a nest, whereas Jake and Fern were permanently primed and alert, waiting for instructions to gather sheep.
Having said that, I thought fondly, it was unfair to say Rusty hadn’t been useful. He’d loved me unconditionally right from the first day he’d arrived on the farm. He’d allowed me to cry into his fur for weeks after my miscarriage seven years ago and the constant patter of his four paws trotting behind me everywhere I went became the soundtrack to my days.
I crossed the stile through the drystone wall at the edge of the meadow and struck a path up towards Brant Hill. The ewes largely ignored us as we passed but the lambs scampered away, nervous at the sight of the dogs. Fern was already ahead, sniffing at a tuft of wool caught in the thorns of the brambles and Jake stood on the wall before leaping off and flattening himself to the ground in front of me, eager to play. I threw the tennis ball as far as I could. He darted off to get it and for the next few minutes the two of them took it in turns to fetch it.
Fifteen minutes later I’d reached the summit of Brant Hill. The wind was stronger up here on the exposed hilltop and I found a rock to sit on, next to a patch of heather that was covered with a lacy spider’s web. I leaned against the drystone wall behind me and looked down in the direction I’d come.
Below me the fields were dotted with our Swaledales and their remaining lambs. The farmhouse, sturdy and white, nestled into the side of the valley and across the other side of the river, I could see Ian and Jayne’s farm, not white like ours but built from traditional stone: a long, low house with stables and a cowshed for their small herd of cows.
This landscape was as familiar to me as my own body. It had been my home, my life, since I was a teenager. Now I felt as if my claim on it was as delicate as the gossamer threads of web on the heather beside me. The clouds shifted, revealing a brief glimpse of the sun and its unexpected appearance made me squint. I closed my eyes and rested my head back against the wall. Suddenly the dogs barked and I sprang to my feet, blinking.
Coming towards me, arms pumping, was a short, round figure. The dogs, recognizing him, bounded off to greet him and I raised an arm to wave.
‘Tim!’
‘I read somewhere once that the best views come after the toughest climb,’ he puffed, wiping an arm across his forehead. ‘In other words, all the hard work is worth it in the end.’
‘I’ll take your word for it.’ I smiled wanly. If that wasn’t a metaphor for my current situation, I didn’t know what was. Although at the moment my view still wasn’t that great. ‘How did you find me?’
‘Naomi and I were driving Dan home and we spotted you with the dogs on the hill. You don’t mind if I join you?’ he wheeze
d, setting his rucksack down and opening his arms for a hug. ‘Because I’ll bugger off if this is a private party.’
‘Pity party, more like,’ I said, half laughing as I submitted to his hug. ‘And no, I don’t mind at all.’
Which was true. In fact, watching him take out a blanket, flask, mugs and assorted plastic tubs, humming tunelessly to himself, I thought Tim’s laid-back attitude to life was exactly what I needed right now.
‘Before you ask, I know everything,’ he said with a kind smile, lowering his portly body to the blanket. ‘Well, not everything. For example, I don’t think I’ll ever remember which towels I’m allowed to use from the linen cupboard, but you get my drift. Right, tea and a sandwich?’
He peeled the lid off one of the tubs and waggled it at me. My stomach growled and I realized I hadn’t eaten anything since the bowl of Jane’s soup last night.
‘Thank you.’ I bit into the sandwich, recognizing it as the rye bread Naomi sold in the farm shop. It was filled with tender beef and there was watercress and horseradish in there too. ‘This is good.’
The two of us chewed in silence for a moment and I thought how bizarre it was that even in such crappy times as these, good food and easy company, on a rug on a Cumbrian hillside, could bring me such comfort.
‘So Dan was at your house for a while?’ I asked.
Tim brushed crumbs from his moustache and poured us both a mug of tea. ‘Yes. He’d been in a hurry to get back but Naomi persuaded him to give you some space. I helped him have a bath and then get into some clean clothes.’
My head throbbed with the intense sadness of the day; only a few short hours ago, we couldn’t wait to be home and alone together. How quickly things could change.
He chuckled. ‘I know I shouldn’t laugh but Otis insisted on supplying him with one of the shirts from his new collection. Dan looks like a cross between a pirate and Adam Ant. Very frilly.’
I managed a sort of smile at that. ‘How is he?’ I asked.
Tim threw crusts to the dogs, who’d settled at the edge of the blanket waiting for exactly that.
‘Physically okay. Mentally …’ He hesitated. ‘He’s worried to death about you. Hence me being sent forth to check on you.’
‘And Anna and Bart? What does he think about his other family?’ I asked, unable to keep quite all of the bitterness from my voice.
Tim eyed me with sympathy. ‘He’s very confused. It’s been a huge shock, coming straight after the accident. He feels burdened with responsibility and guilt.’
I shuddered. ‘It’s like the summer Mike died all over again.’
‘In what way?’
I paused to sip my tea and looked at Fern, wishing she’d come closer like Rusty would have done so I could ruffle her fur. But her gaze was fixed on the plastic tub of cake Tim was opening. ‘Both of us changed our university plans and stayed in Carsdale to run the farm. Dan had to grow up overnight. He made the decision to follow in his dad’s footsteps in the end, but a part of him has always resented the fact that he didn’t get to train as a vet and an even bigger part feels guilty about it.’
Tim bit into a slice of buttered fruit loaf and held the tub out to me, I shook my head.
‘It was a bad year for all of us,’ he said. ‘Did anyone ever tell you that Naomi and I nearly moved to Texas that summer with the boys?’
I looked at him in surprise. ‘Never. I can’t imagine her living anywhere but here.’
He wiped butter from his chin and swallowed his last mouthful. ‘Yep. Earlier that year, I was headhunted by an oil company in Dallas. Same job as I was doing here but it had the full executive package: a ranch, swimming pool, plenty of room for horses, a great school for the twins. They were initially offering a five-year contract. I thought it was perfect; we could have a US adventure and then return to the UK in time for the boys to go to secondary school. But Naomi had already had the idea for opening the farm shop and asked for Mike’s permission and he was thinking it through. I knew she would be torn, so before I told her about the offer, I went to see Mike and Viv behind her back.’ Tim shot me a guilty look. ‘She idolized her dad and I knew that if I got him on-side it would be a lot easier to persuade Naomi to come with me. Mike agreed that it was the opportunity of a lifetime and they were excited for us, so he went to see Naomi and said no to her farm shop plans. She was furious with him, accused him of treating her unfairly because she was a woman.’
‘Poor Naomi.’
‘I know.’ Tim took a deep breath and shook his head. ‘And I’ll never forgive myself for creating that ill feeling.’
I frowned. ‘But I thought planning permission for the farm shop was already in place when Mike died?’
‘That was the worst part about it for me; he thought her business idea was great really,’ he said. ‘Mike applied for planning consent on her behalf, thinking that when we returned from the States, the project would be there for her to pick up. He also amended his will so that it made it clear that she would own the buildings and surrounding land.’
‘Gosh.’ I blinked at him. ‘I had no idea.’ Dan and I had been so wrapped up in each other that spring and had been studying hard for our A levels. Naomi and Tim were married with kids; our lives were completely different.
‘I told Naomi about the job offer and because she was so mad with Mike, she agreed we should leave England. I resigned from my job, giving them three months’ notice, and we made plans to leave in the summer. Then when Mike died everything changed again; there was no way Naomi was going to fly off to America leaving her little brother to cope with Viv and all the funeral arrangements. So we delayed our flights by a couple of weeks. Luckily, we hadn’t found tenants for the cottage by then so we still had a home.’
My stomach twisted with guilt. During those weeks I’d been so determined to put our relationship behind me and mend my bruised heart that I’d tried to put Dan out of my head. I’d been having a carefree time, sowing my wild oats with Gil while Dan had been going through hell. I shifted my position, folding my legs underneath me and reached for the flask. There was enough left for half a cup each and I shared it out between us.
‘Tell me about Dan.’
Tim spooned sugar into his tea. ‘He went downhill as soon as you’d disappeared off the face of the earth. Viv phoned your parents, who told her where you were. Neither Viv nor Naomi could understand why he’d finished the relationship when he was so obviously still in love with you. Everyone told him to get in the car and go and find you but he refused, saying that you deserved better.’
‘He said that?’
Dan had looked dreadful when he eventually did come to Padstow but I’d put it down to his dad’s sudden death. No one had ever told me how much Dan had been suffering when I left. And because he’d been the one to finish with me, I’d never given his feelings a second thought.
Tim nodded. ‘He only left the farm once and that was to go and talk to Joe. We’d been relieved that he was finally turning a corner and going out to see his friends again. But when he came back he was in an even worse state.’
I bit my lip; now I knew why. I gave myself a shake; this was Tim’s story, I didn’t want to get sidetracked. ‘What happened about the job in Texas?’
‘As soon as Naomi read Mike’s will and realized he’d loved her idea for the farm shop she was overwhelmed. I knew she wouldn’t be able to tear herself away from Sunnybank Farm then, so I told her the US job had fallen through. She started work straight away and has never looked back.’
I looked at him. His lovely kind face still rosy from his brisk climb, his thin dark hair plastered to his head. ‘You sacrificed your job for her. That was incredibly kind.’
He shrugged. ‘Going to Mike behind her back was a huge mistake. Huge. Naomi never really forgave her dad while he was alive and I’ve had to live with that on my conscience ever since.’
My heart went out to him. He had been such a good husband; I hated to think of him still feeling guilty. ‘Have yo
u ever thought about confessing?’
‘I did. Last time Naomi came to stay with me in Inverness for our anniversary.’
‘And?’
‘I won’t lie; she was mad that I’d gone behind her back. And she was upset that she’d given her dad such a hard time before he died. But after she’d calmed down, she said we’d had such a good life together, she wasn’t going to throw that away. She forgave me and although it was one of the hardest things I’ve done for a long time, I’m glad it’s out in the open. We had a really good talk and we’ve decided to make a few changes to our lives in the next few years. I’m going to scale back on my job and spend more time at home.’
I touched his arm. ‘I’m glad. You were young, Tim, and it all worked out in the end. You can’t feel guilty for ever for one mistake.’
He looked at me then, knowingly, and I realized where this whole conversation had been leading.
‘You and Dan were even younger than us when you got together. You’ve grown up together. You were his only serious relationship.’
‘And he was mine,’ I said indignantly. ‘And I would never have been unfaithful to him.’
‘It was wrong, he knows that, but he was only eighteen and it was only once. He assured me and Naomi that.’ Tim looked at me intently. ‘I hope in time you can forgive him, like Naomi has done me.’
I blushed then, remembering my eighteenth birthday with Gil on the beach. That was only once too. Except, of course, I’d seen him on Saturday in London and look what had nearly happened …
‘It might have been once. But look at the consequences,’ I replied.
Tim sighed softly. ‘I know, Hetty, the consequences are huge, but it doesn’t make the crime any worse, does it?’
I stared at my hands, at the gold ring on my finger. The logic was right; but I was pretty sure my hurt and anger were justified. It felt as if I was looking at my past through a windscreen. Anna’s revelation had been the stone that chipped that screen and shattered it into a million fragments. My life as I’d known it was a blur.
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