I chuckled and shook my head. I could always count on Crank to give me a laugh – even when things seemed really dark and bleak. Like now. I had to admit, although I craved solitude, having Crank there wasn't a bad thing. And hearing that he'd talked to Cara really piqued my curiosity.
“When did you see her?” I asked.
“Yesterday. We had coffee and a long talk. She's a good woman, man.”
The ghost of a smile touched my lips. Cara was a very good woman. I felt fortunate to have her in my life. Or rather, had her. I couldn't keep dragging her into my shit. She had enough on her own plate to deal with. The last thing she – or Austin – needed was me in their life.
“She is a good woman,” I said softly. “Too good for me. I can't keep doing this to her. I won't.”
“Doing what, man?”
“Putting her life in danger for one thing. She and Austin don't need that shit, man. She's worked so hard to keep that element – to keep us – out of her and Austin's life. I can't keep throwing her into the middle of our shit.”
“What if she wants to be there?” Crank asked. “By your side. Doesn't she get a say in what she does and doesn't allow into her and Austin's life?”
I shrugged. “Not when it comes to putting their lives at risk. I have to make that decision for her.”
“That's bullshit, man,” he replied. “You don't get to make all the decisions for her. Cara gets to decide what's best for her. That's not for you to say.”
“It is when she's obviously not thinking very clearly or objectively.”
He laughed and shook his head. “Yeah, and you are?”
“I'm a lot more objective than it sounds like she's being. I can see the danger, and I want to keep her safe.”
“That's not your call to make, bro. Cara is a big girl who can make her own choices. You need to respect her enough to let her do it.”
I drained the last of my bottle and tossed it into the trash can where it hit with a loud clatter. I respected Cara. Believed that she was a strong woman, more than capable of making her own choices. But I also knew that if she did indeed have feelings for me, it might cloud her judgment. And with Mills still out there – and me not knowing what I was going to do about him yet – there was still danger lurking.
I couldn't put her in the line of fire again. I wouldn't.
“Why are you pushing me so hard on this, man?” I asked. “Why are you trying to tie me to Cara?”
He smiled and drained the last of his own bottle. I reached for another and handed him one. We took the tops off and took a long pull. Crank stared out at the forest, at the sunlight as it started to slip away, signaling the end of another day.
“For the first time since I've known you,” he said, “you have something good in your life. Something positive.”
I couldn't deny what he was saying. My life to that point had pretty much been one big shitshow. Cara and Austin were bright points of light in my life. The first I'd ever had, really. There was just something about being around them that made me happy. Content.
“I really want to see you happy, brother,” Crank continued. “You are one of the best men I've ever known, and you deserve a slice of goddamn happiness. And whenever you're around those two, I can see that you're happy. I can see something… this… this… light inside of you I've never seen before. You need to hold on to that, man. Because I can see that you're headed down a real dark path here. You need to find your way back to that light. And the only way you're gonna do that is with Cara and her kid.”
I sighed and leaned back in my seat. I heard what he was saying, and deep down in my bones, I knew he was right. But I was caught between wanting to be with her and wanting to protect her. I didn't think I could do both.
“Seriously, bro,” Crank said. “You need to go down and be with her. She wants to be with you, man. You guys – for whatever reason – are good together. Don't let your fears control you, man. Let it go.”
“My fears?”
Crank nodded. “Yeah, your fears. I can see it on your face – you have something good for once in your life, and you're afraid of fucking it up. So, you're doing your damnedest to push her away. Don't think I can't see right through you, brother.”
I looked over at him and grinned. “I'm always afraid of fucking things up.”
“Yeah, but this is different. Stop deflecting.”
“When did you become a junior shrink?” I asked.
“I learned a few things along the way.”
“Apparently so.”
He looked at me, his expression stern. “I'm serious, bro. Go be with Cara. She needs you as much as you need her.”
I took another long drink. “Thanks for comin' up here, man. Means a lot to me.”
“I'm always here for you, brother,” he said. “Always.”
Chapter Thirty One
Cara
I sat in the park watching Austin play near the jungle gym. He was laughing with a small group of kids as they ran around like maniacs. Seeing their unfettered joy in just being kids brought a smile to my face.
Some of the other mothers sat on benches nearby – women who used to sit and talk with me. But given the fact that over the last few weeks Damian and his boys had made a habit of stopping by to check on me, the other women now wouldn't even talk to me. Wouldn't even look at me. Although, I knew from having spent time with them before, that they were sitting over there whispering all kinds of garbage about me. That's just what they did.
Some people had nothing better to do than stir up and spread bullshit rumors.
I looked up into the cloudless sky, admiring the deep shade of blue and enjoying the warmth on my skin. I closed my eyes and just let the sunlight wash down over me, trying to clear my mind of everything that was spinning through it.
Of course, most of what was running through my mind was about Damian. It had been a couple of days since Crank had gone up to see him – and still nothing.
When I felt somebody sit on the bench beside me, I opened my eyes and turned – immediately feeling my breath catch in my throat. Tears welled in my eyes – though I bit them back ruthlessly. The last thing I wanted was to sit there bawling in front of him.
“Hi Cara,” Damian said. “I've missed you.”
“I've missed you too,” I said as a lone tear raced down my cheek. “H–how are you? I've been worried about you.”
He reached out and wiped the tear away with his fingertip, giving me a soft smile. “I'm okay. How are you doing?”
The smile on my face felt awkward, but it was genuine. “I'm okay. I'm good.”
We sat in silence for a moment, just soaking one another in. He looked… different. He'd cleaned himself up; trimming his hair and beard. He wasn't wearing his kutte, either. Instead, he was wearing a flannel shirt and jeans. For the first time since I'd known him, Damian didn't look like a stereotypical biker. In fact, he looked good. Very, very good.
“Going for lumberjack chic?” I asked, pointing to his clothing.
He shrugged. “Trying something new, I guess.”
The other women in the park looked over at me, and I couldn't help but see them looking Damian up and down. He was a good-looking man, there was no question. And cleaned up like he was, made him even more good looking, in my opinion.
“It's good to see you, Damian,” I said. “Really good.”
He reached out and took my hand, squeezing it gently. “It's good to see you too.”
My heart was racing, and there was more emotion roiling within me than I thought I could handle. It made me realize that Damian was somebody I cared about very deeply – even more deeply than maybe, I'd previously thought. Or let myself believe. For so long, I'd let myself be caught up in how he looked, at the fact that he was a biker, an outlaw, a guy who did some bad things. And back then, I never let myself look below the surface.
But once I got past that rough exterior and let myself see him for the man he truly was, I couldn't help but see a good
man. A good man with a good heart. A man I couldn't help but be compelled by. Drawn to.
I was still at war within myself though. On the one hand, he still belonged to the Kings of Chaos. And I didn't want Austin growing up in that life, around that sort of influence. But Damian was so good with him – hell, in the short time I'd known him, he'd been a better father figure to Austin than his biological father ever had been.
Damian was somebody I could see myself being with – if not for the lifestyle he chose.
But seeing him there, without his kutte, looking more – normal, I supposed – I couldn't help but wonder at the possibilities. Would he be willing to leave that life? Would he want to go a different road with me? There were so many questions and so few answers.
All I could do was enjoy the moment and worry about tomorrow another time.
“Where did you go?” I asked.
He sighed and looked off into the distance. “I needed to get away and clear my head. After that night in the barn… it just dredged up some old ghosts.”
My smile was soft and gentle. “Crank told me a bit about that,” I said. “I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that, Damian. I'm so sorry about what happened with Mendo—”
He shook his head. “None of it is your fault, Cara. None of it. You would never have been in that position – or any of the other spots you've been in – if not for me. If anybody should be apologizing here, it's me. And I am. I'm so sorry to have brought that sort of influence into your life. Into Austin's life. It's the last thing I wanted.”
I sighed and gave him a weak smile. “It wouldn't have been my first choice to have that sort of thing in Austin's life. But if not for that, I wouldn't have met you. So, at least something good came out of it.”
“There is that.”
“Damian!”
Austin squealed and ran over to us, apparently noticing us sitting there. Damian's smile was wide and warm as he got down onto a knee and swept my boy up into a fierce hug. He set Austin back down and ruffled his hair.
“Good to see you, kid.”
“Missed you,” Austin said.
“Missed you too, bud.”
He took Damian's hand and tried to pull him toward the playground. “Swing me, Damian!” he shouted. “Swing me!”
Damian smiled. “In a minute, okay? Lemme talk to your mom for a few minutes, and then I'll come over there and swing you all the way into space.”
Austin giggled and clapped his hands together. “Into space! You promised!”
“I sure did.”
Damian had an inscrutable expression on his face as he watched Austin turn and run off to play with his friends. His expression was somewhat wistful and sweet. If I were being honest, he looked like a father watching his son with a fierce pride and joy – tinged with a trace of sadness.
He sat back down and cleared his throat before looking over at me.
“Anyway,” he said. “I guess I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry for bringing all of the shit into your world. And that I'd understand if you didn't want me around.”
I looked at him and resisted the urge to smack him upside the head. “Are you stupid?” I asked. “Are you really that stupid?”
He looked at me with a look that said he didn't understand what I meant. This time, I gave into the urge and playfully cuffed him behind the ear – something that made him smile at least.
“Look, I knew what I was getting into when I brought you home from the hospital to hide you—”
“That's not true.”
“Okay, so I didn't understand all of it,” I said. “And yeah, there are times when I feel like I'm in way over my head. And it's true that this lifestyle you lead isn't exactly what I want in my life. Or in Austin's.”
“Exactly, which is why—”
“Shut up for a minute,” I said. “Let me finish.”
He smiled but fell silent, content to simply watch me. I took a deep breath and let it out, unsure what I was doing or saying. I was just going with whatever popped into my head because I knew it was what I was feeling in my heart. And that couldn't be wrong, could it?
“Look, this isn't what I expected. And honestly, some of it has sucked. Some of it has sucked really badly,” I said. “But it hasn't all been bad. In fact, there's been a lot of good that's come out of this. Austin absolutely adores you. And I...”
My voice trailed off, and I felt my cheeks flushing.
“And you?” Damian asked.
I took another deep breath, exhaling quietly. I couldn't believe what I was saying. What I was admitting. But it was the truth. And I couldn't deny it.
“And I care about you, Damian,” I said. “I care about you a lot.”
He squeezed my hand gently and looked deeply into my eyes. There was a look of quiet intensity in his face – but also one of resignation. What he was resigning himself to though, I didn't know.
“And I care about you too, Cara,” he said. “Maybe too much.”
We sat in silence for a few moments, each of us lost in our own thoughts and emotions. Nothing about this was going to be easy. In fact, it was going to be complicated. I knew that Damian was still with the Kings – that hadn't changed. What was going to need to change was what I considered acceptable in my life. In Austin's life. Which meant that I was going to have to set some very clear boundaries.
“Look, Cara,” Damian said – and the way he said it made my stomach clench with fear. “I don't know what's going to happen moving forward. I don't know if I can get past what Mills did with the Fantasmas. There's just so much I don't know right now. I'm still trying to find a way to sort through it all.”
“I know you are,” I said. “And I'm willing to be patient.”
“What I'm trying to say is… I don't know that it's all sunshine and roses from here on out. I don't know if the danger is really behind us.”
I cocked my head and looked at him. “Mills?”
He nodded, his expression growing even soberer. “Yeah. He tried to take me out once. I don't know if he's going to make another run at me or what the score is. All I know is that he's consolidating his power at the moment. That and taking out some of the other Fantasmas.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I've seen a few things in the paper about some of them being found dead. Cops are blaming it on the violence between the clubs.”
“They're not wrong. But it's Mills trying to wipe out his competition.”
“For what?”
“I'm not sure yet. But I want to find out.”
I felt a jolt of fear steal through me. If Mills had tried to kill him once, I shuddered to imagine what he'd do if Damian started poking around – maybe seeing things he shouldn't see. I wanted him to get out of that life but knew that it wasn't my place to say so. That was a decision he was going to have to come to on his own.
“Please be careful, Damian,” I said. “We both know what Mills is capable of.”
He nodded. “Yeah, he's capable of some ruthless shit. I see that now. Don't worry though, I'm going to be careful.”
I hesitated for a moment, looking out at the playground. Austin ran around with his friends, laughing and smiling, a boy without a care in the world. He didn't know violence. Bloodshed. He knew nothing about biker clubs executing one another in dark barns. He was innocent. Sweet, pure, and innocent. And I wanted to keep him that way as long as I could.
But I also didn't want to drive Damian away with demands or ultimatums. I wanted him to want to be with us for his own reasons. Because he cared for us. Not because he feared he'd lose us if he didn't do what I wanted.
“What about us?” I asked tentatively.
He gave me a small smile. “Maybe we can just take it slow for now. One day at a time,” he said. “See where things go.”
I nodded and smiled. “Sounds like a great place to start to me.”
A broad smile stretched across his face. “Me too.” He turned and looked out at the playground. “But right now, I have a pr
omise to keep.”
He walked out to the playground and helped Austin onto the swing. My son laughed and screamed as Damian pushed him higher and higher, letting him soar in the sky. I watched them together for a while, feeling happy and content. Feeling like this was right.
But something in the pit of my belly felt otherwise. It felt oppressive, ominous, and told me not to let myself get too attached. I did my best to silence that voice, but I only succeeded in shoving it into the background where it continued to whisper.
Chapter Thirty Two
Damian
PREGNANT FOR A PRICE: Kings of Chaos MC Page 20