‘Man, you’re gonna love ’em. Come on, I’ll show you. Grab that bag from under my seat. You do have a TV, don’t you?’
We went inside. Dad was watching the game in the living room.
‘Hi Dad, this is Joe, he might be my new boyfriend now Teddy has dumped me, but maybe we’re just good friends. I haven’t decided yet. Anyway, we need the TV. Your game is nearly over, isn’t it? Would you mind going upstairs and listening to the last eight innings on the radio? Thanks, bye.’
Joe waved a friendly goodbye as Dad trudged out of the room, and then started messing with wires behind the TV. He passed me something called a ‘joypad’ and switched on the strange gray box he’d attached to our television.
‘Okay, this game’s called Phalo. We each play a ’roided-up space fascist, and the idea is to shoot each other repeatedly until one of us has an epileptic fit, you got it?’
I nodded uncertainly as the game began. Time went by in a blur as I was shot, stabbed, grenade-tagged and ‘tea-bagged’ over and over again. It was utterly mystifying, but Joe seemed to be enjoying himself, and seeing his happiness made me happy. I struggled to master the controls with limited success, and was pleased when the game was interrupted by the phone ringing.
Joe answered it. ‘Hello? No, I’m sorry, she’s dead. Yeah, that’s what I said. She’s totally dead, I blew her head off with a shotgun and then shoved a plasma grenade down her neck-hole just to be sure. Okay, thanks for calling, bye!’
‘Who was that, Joe?’ I asked anxiously. It would be easy for someone to get the wrong impression of my state of health from what he’d said, which would be awful.
He shrugged, and I was just about to express my annoyance by hurling the joypad at his stupid were-head when the phone rang again. He grabbed it before I could get to it.
‘Hi again. No, nope, I didn’t mean literally dead, no. Yeah, I was talking about a video game. Yes, I suppose it could have been misconstrued. No, you’re right, someone would have to be very dumb to jump to the conclusion that Heffa was dead from that one ambiguous conversation. It’s good that you called back to check. Okay, I’ll tell her you called, bye again.’
‘For crying out loud, Joe, who was that?’ I demanded.
‘Huh? Oh, on the phone? It was Teddy someone, Teddy Cutlety? He’s glad you aren’t dead, says, “Hi.” Ow!’ Joe screamed in pain as the joypad smashed on his forehead.
‘Why didn’t you let me talk to Teddy, you hairy moron? I think you’d better go. That’s quite enough “fun” for one evening, and if Teddy calls back, I think I’d rather you weren’t here.’
Joe looked upset as he gathered his stuff together. ‘Okay, Heff, I need to go and meet the others now anyway.’
At the door, I tried to reassure Joe, just in case I needed him later on. ‘That was fun, Cahontas. I’ll see you tomorrow, maybe you can think of some other games we can play together?’
His mood brightened, and I let him give me a goodnight lick on the forehead. I waved goodbye and closed the door. I felt bad. We had had a fun evening – I’d nearly forgotten about Teddy until a minute ago, and that was all thanks to Joe Cahontas. But then, Teddy had called. Maybe he did still love me, and maybe Joe could get lost after all. It was very confusing. I needed to get some sleep.
I got into bed, but I was still wide awake. What if Teddy called back? I couldn’t risk missing him again. I thought about the play we’d started studying in English today, Antony and Cleopatra. It seemed to have many convenient resonances with the events of my own life. Teddy was just like Antony, callously abandoning me to swan off to Rome, or Romania, or wherever he had gone. If I wanted him to come back, I would have to prove how much I loved him by pretending to be dead, just like Cleopatra did.
The phone rang again. I answered and recognized Teddy’s voice on the other end of the line.
‘Hello? Sorry about that, I ran out of change. Can I speak to Heffa please?’
I lowered my voice and answered. ‘No, sorry, Heffa’s dead. She stabbed herself in the chest with an asp, and died with the name “Antony” on her lips.’
‘Antony? Who the hell is Antony?’
‘Um, not Antony. Sorry, she died with the name “Teddy” on her lips.’
‘Well, I suppose that’s better, but why do you insist on playing such silly games? Do you have any idea how much it costs to phone Spatula from Romania? I’m just phoning to check you’re okay, and haven’t done anything stupid in my absence, like base jumping.’
He’d seen through my ruse, how frustrating. But he did sound concerned about me, so on balance I was glad I wasn’t dead.
‘Teddy, why did you leave me? I can’t stand it, I can’t go on, it’s really boorrring without you. When are you coming back?’
‘Soon, my darling, soon. Just be strong and remember that I …’
The line went dead. Typical, even the Romanian phone company was determined to keep us apart.
Hearing Teddy’s voice in my ear had been sweet agony, and all the feelings I’d managed to suppress while I was with Joe came rushing back. The hole in my head returned, as large and painful as ever, and I tossed and turned for ages before drifting into a fitful, dreamless sleep.
chapter 13
* * *
ruff and tumble
I didn’t meet up with Joe the next day at school. I spent the morning mulling over the events of the day before. Joe was fun to be around, he really seemed to care about my happiness and he was, y’know, right there. Teddy was my soulmate, but on the other hand, he had left me, swanning off to Romania for two whole weeks. Could any relationship survive that kind of trauma?
I went to find Miss Shirley in her office. She had a good head on her shoulders. ‘Miss Shirley, I need your advice.’
‘Of course, Heffa, sit down.’ She gestured for me to join her on the window seat.
‘I love my boyfriend, Teddy, but he’s really upset me by going away. Is it okay to come on to one of my male friends while he’s gone, just so he gets jealous enough to come back?’
‘Well, don’t you think you might run the risk of ruining your relationship with both of them? Wouldn’t it be better to be honest about your feelings, rather than callously and calculatingly moving people around in your life like they were pieces on a chessboard?’
She was frowning at me, but her milky old eyes were filled with kindness. She was trying to give me the best advice she could – it wasn’t her fault that her old-fashioned morals were hopelessly outmoded in today’s media-saturated, hyper-sexualized society. I’d simply have to solve this one myself. Maybe I just wouldn’t tell Teddy about Joe and me: that seemed like a realistic and uncomplicated solution.
I thanked Miss Shirley for her help and left. I still wasn’t sure what the best thing to do was, though. Where else could I turn? Dad? The only emotions he felt were joy when his team won the game, and sadness when they didn’t. My other school friends? Experience told me that they would be strongly on the side of faithfulness, and would likely know a catchy song about it, too.
Suddenly, the answer came to me. Trashy women’s magazines! They’d been a fantastic source of information about vampires, I was sure that they would provide me with the moral compass I needed now.
I left school and drove to the Economart to scoop up the latest issues of all my favorite mags. As I left the store, I saw Joe Cahontas, Fidaux and the others trying to jimmy open a gumball machine. They didn’t notice me, engrossed as they were in their act of petty larceny, so I put my head down and dashed for my car, hoping to get away without any awkward conversation.
I was halfway across the lot when I felt a hand grab my shoulder. I dropped the magazines as I was spun back around, and looked up, expecting to see Joe.
It wasn’t him, though: it was a tall, blond boy I didn’t recognize. He was tanned and wore a blazer over a blue linen shirt. He was accompanied by two other blond, chino-clad, well-groomed youths. The overall impression of moneyed smartness was slightly spoiled by th
e dirty bandages covering their hands. Their eyes were hidden by their Ray-Bans, but they were all smiling at me with perfect white teeth.
‘You’re Heffa Lump, aren’t you?’ said the guy who’d grabbed my shoulder. I nodded suspiciously. ‘You really should come and see us at Spatula Country Club, I think you’d fit right in. I’d love to take you out on the lake and watch you handle my twenty-footer.’
‘I think you must have the wrong person …’ I turned to leave, but he stepped in front of me.
‘No, it’s you we want, Heffa Lump. The Reshuffle is imminent, and you must join us or die.’
The Reshuffle? I’d heard that phrase before. From Ms Crabtree? Or from Joe? What did vampires and werewolves and preppies have in common, and what did it have to do with me? I didn’t really want to die, but I didn’t think my feet were the right shape for deck shoes either …
Before I could think of an answer, one of the other boys screamed: ‘Brad, look!’
He pointed towards the other side of the street. I turned, and saw – to my horror – a groaning horde of zombies emerging from the alley next to the hardware store, heading straight for us. I stood rooted to the spot with terror. Zombies, right here in the center of Spatula, in broad daylight, and my protector on the other side of the world!
The preppy trio hovered indecisively, as scared of the approaching zombies as I was. As the horde crossed the street and entered the lot, I heard their gold chains clinking in time with their rhythmic shambling. The lead zombie was pointing at me, moaning, ‘We neeeed herrrr braiiinsss’ to encourage the others. Crap. Where was the Post-it note to save me from this, Teddy?
Brad the preppie snapped out of his paralysis. ‘We can’t let those filthy zombies snatch her. Grab her, my brothers. We’ll take her back to the fraternity house; she’ll be very slightly safer there.’
Before I could protest, his sidekicks seized my arms and started to drag me behind Brad, who was making for a silver saloon car. I struggled, but they held me tightly. They were much stronger than they looked; they’d probably done gymnastics at prep school. We reached the car, and as they turned me around to shove me inside, I spotted Joe Cahontas and the others, still selfishly struggling with the gumball machine, completely oblivious to my predicament.
I screamed at the top of my voice: ‘Joe, help me, I’m being kidnapped!’
To my relief, the four of them looked up. Joe gestured to the others and they sprang into action. Joe and Sweep immediately headed towards me, while Fidaux and Laddie started to run at the approaching zombie horde with long, loping strides.
When the latter duo were a few meters away, they leaped into the air, arms outstretched before them. There was a concealing wisp of grayish special-effect smoke, and then they landed. But where a moment before had been the familiar, lanky, hairy forms of Laddie and Fidaux, there now stood a pair of giant, slavering wolves, at least six feet high at the shoulder. They were an impressive sight, although I did think a proper transformation sequence might have been a lot cooler than a momentary puff of smoke.
They fell upon the zombies, their claws and teeth rending through putrefied flesh like Joseph Kelledy’s meat slicer through a leg of ham. I looked away in disgust. The werewolves’ brutal dismembering was effective, but totally savage and animalistic, with none of the balletic grace of Teddy’s family.
Joe and Sweep had transformed, too. They crouched a few feet away from us, eyeing the preppies hungrily. The huge black wolf that Joe had become bared its teeth and growled.
Brad gestured to his friends to let me go, and they seemed only too happy to comply. The three of them backed slowly away and then clambered into their car. As they pulled away, I heard Brad say, ‘H-head for the Gap, will you, Chad? I think I might need a new pair of chinos.’
Fidaux and Laddie stalked across to join us; their fight with the zombies had been as brief as it was one-sided. I rushed over to the black wolf and hugged his mane with relief. ‘Oh thank you, Joe, I thought I was finished for sure that time. If you turn back to your human form, there’s a big kiss waiting for you.’
The wolf grinned, its tongue lolling out of its mouth. I waited. The four wolves stood before me, tall and fluffy and majestic. Wolf-Joe cleared its throat and gestured with a toss of its head.
‘Oh right, sorry,’ I said, and turned my back. I caught a whiff of transformation smoke and then, a second later, Joe’s once-more-human arm reached over my shoulder, holding a handful of bills.
‘Would you mind popping into the store and buying us some more clothes?’ he said. ‘It’s kind of chilly out here.’
‘Oh sure, I’ll just be a minute,’ I agreed, trying my best not to think about where the money had been stashed.
‘We’ll be hiding behind that dumpster,’ Fidaux added. ‘And get some Pepto-Bismol, will you? I think I ate some bad meat.’
I rushed back towards the store, concentrating very hard on not looking at anything at all. Ten minutes later, I was being driven home in Joe’s van. I felt safe in his company, and of course I was grateful to him for saving me, but I wasn’t happy.
‘Joe, that’s the second time that the zombies have come after me, not to mention that I’ve been attacked by goths, and kidnapped by vampires, and manhandled by preppies. There’s something deeply weird going on in Spatula, and I think you know what it is. If you want this ride to finish with a happy ending, you’d better let me in on what everyone else already seems to know.’
‘I’ll tell you what I can, Heffa,’ he agreed, more eagerly than I’d anticipated.
‘Well, first of all, I keep hearing about something called The Reshuffle that’s supposed to happen soon. What’s that?’
‘I’m not entirely sure. I’ve heard the werewolf elders talk about it, but it sounds a bit crazy to me.’
‘Stop stalling, Cahontas.’
He looked across at me, almost apologetically, and continued. ‘Well, I’m a werewolf, right? And you already know all about vampires and zombies?’
I nodded, and he went on. ‘Well, all the supernatural beings in the world are connected to each other, and they exist in a sort of a – what’s the word? – a hierarchy, with the most important creatures having certain powers and privileges over the ones lower down. You follow me?’
‘Is that why you hate vampires so much, because they’re higher up the pecking order than you?’
I was guessing, but Joe’s angry reaction told me I was right.
‘Honestly, I don’t even care about the stupid hierarchy. I don’t even believe it makes any difference, but those lousy vampires are so snooty about it. They get all high and mighty just ’cos they’re number one on some stupid list. It’s totally lame.’
‘Okay, okay, you don’t care about the list, fine. But you still haven’t told me what The Reshuffle is.’
‘All I know is, each creature has a favored subculture, and the more kids there are who follow that lifestyle, the more powerful those creatures become, and the ones with the most support will be numero uno when The Reshuffle comes.’
‘Of course, that explains why that horrible Ms Crabtree had all those goths hanging round. They were her support, right?’
‘You got it. The vampires have been feeding the teens round here Emo for weeks, hoping to get an army together. The hip-hop kids that are always hanging out in the park are rooting for the zombies. They’ve been tight ever since Thriller. And all the punks are shouting for the banshees. They love a good caterwaul.’
‘How about the preppies who attacked me today, which ghoul or ghost do they support?’
‘The preppies?’ He sneered dismissively. ‘They’re total mummies’ boys.’
‘My goodness, it all makes sense now. This Reshuffle must be coming soon, right? You can hardly move in this town for youth culture.’
‘I guess so. Whatever it is, wherever it takes place, it’s definitely on its way. It’ll probably happen within the next sixty pages or so.’
I was silent then. This was
a lot to absorb; these supernatural machinations had been going on right under my nose ever since I’d arrived in Spatula, and I hadn’t noticed a thing. It didn’t really affect me one way or the other, though. Except …
‘This has got something to do with me, hasn’t it? Tonight, the preppies and the zombies were both after me, and the first time I heard about The Reshuffle was when those goths tried to recruit me. They all think I can help them win The Reshuffle somehow, don’t they?’
‘I don’t understand that part, but it does seem like it, yeah.’
So Spatula was full of warring supernatural tribes, and the one thing they had in common was that they were all after me. That was so unbelievably thoughtless of them. I wasn’t some pawn to be shoved this way and that, I was the narrator. I shivered as if a thousand demons had just paraded over my grave. ‘I’m scared.’
Joe smiled, and for a second he made me feel like it was all going to be fine. ‘Don’t worry, Heff, you got Joe Cahontas and his fearsome werewolf clan to protect you.’
‘That’s a point, where’s your army of supporters?’
‘Ah, I told you, we don’t really care about this Reshuffle crap, so we didn’t bust our nuts with a recruitment drive. What does it matter who’s number one?’
‘Wow, Joe, you’re so cool. I wouldn’t be surprised if you won anyway.’
‘Thanks, you’re pretty cool, too.’ He turned to look at me, serious now. ‘I got you, though, right? You’ll be my supporter, won’t you?’
I looked back at Joe’s sweet face and those puppyish brown eyes, and I came very close then to blurting out something that I wouldn’t be able to take back. Then the image of Teddy dripping with gore as he battled the goths flashed heatedly through my mind.
In the end, I said nothing. I knew that soon I would have to choose between my virile vampire and my winsome werewolf. Between losing my Eternal Cool or taking more and more reckless chances.
Then again, maybe the zombies would kill me and eat my brains first.
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