‘And the thing is, if you grow up any more, you’ll realize I’m just a shallow romantic cliché, a thirteen-year-old’s idea of a perfect man. You won’t care for me at all once you reach maturity, and I can’t bear the thought of losing you. You’re all I think about. I can’t sleep – well, I don’t sleep, but if I did, I certainly wouldn’t be able to – I’m off my steak, I’ve barely even investigated the men’s spring collection. Images of you possess me. If I can’t plunge my teeth into your inviting flesh, I don’t know what I’ll do.’
‘Oh, my darling,’ I sighed, and held him tightly. ‘I’ll never grow bored of you, never! Probably. Besides, romance doesn’t have to be all about biting, you know. There are other things we could do …’
I took his arm, and started to lead him out of the hall. Behind us, my fellow students danced, and talked, and lay in a pile at the side of the stage next to Wanda. I only had eyes for my Teddy.
‘What can you mean?’ he asked now. ‘Joseph explained it all to me quite carefully … You meet a girl, you get to know her, you stick your fangs in until all the blood is gone, you’re done.’
‘No offence, sweetheart, but your dad’s not someone I’d take relationship advice from. We don’t have to subsume our urges in an extended vampire metaphor. We could just have sex.’
‘Sex?’ Teddy’s eyes were round in puzzlement and faintly horrified. ‘I don’t know, isn’t that rather forward? Are you sure you wouldn’t rather I bit you first?’
‘Definitely not,’ I said firmly. I extracted the script of Fangs for the Mammaries, which I’d secreted in my handbag for this very moment. ‘Let’s go to the basement, Teddy; I think it’s time for an extracurricular drama tutorial. What I’ve got to teach you is sure to get your blood flowing.’
Teddy checked me as we emerged into the empty corridor. ‘But Heffa, my heart doesn’t beat, remember? I don’t have any circulation.’
I wrapped an arm around his waist, and tenderly pulled him onwards. ‘In that case, dear heart, you’d better bring the schlonga.’
Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
New Moan Page 22