A vaguely tense silence fell once they were alone in the messroom again. Mac fiddled with the kit, making sure everything was perfectly aligned. He was simply too aware of their proximity, that was all. Too aware that the kiss had changed something. It had been a mistake on both sides and they were both doing their best to pretend it hadn’t happened, but it had and now it was just…there.
But they couldn’t talk about it. If they did, it would be tantamount to admitting attraction and Mac didn’t want that conversation. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to think about it because if he did, he couldn’t control the pull that came in its wake.
A pull towards something he really didn’t want. Territory he was more than content to be exiled from. This pull was stronger than anything he’d come across in ten years of voluntary exile. And for the first time it felt like he was in a place he might not want to be in for much longer.
A lonely place.
He didn’t like that feeling. It was a relief when Julia broke the silence.
‘Mac?’
He looked up. Hell…there was a plea in her eyes. She wanted something from him and if she asked, it might take more strength than he had to refuse.
‘Mmm?’ It was a noncommittal sound.
‘Do you think…if it stays this quiet…?’
She was hesitant. About to ask for something that might not be entirely professional? Mac’s mouth went curiously dry.
‘I was hoping…’ Julia’s smile was mischievous ‘…that we might be able to sneak out and go and visit Ken.’
Mac was quiet again.
He was driving the late-model SUV that was the SERT team’s road vehicle, having checked with Control that it was all right for them to head into the city to visit the hospital Ken had been admitted to. If necessary, they could head for the helipad or any other job at a moment’s notice.
This car had only the front seats. The back was packed with all the equipment they could need in an emergency but there was no stretcher. It was used as an advance vehicle to get to a major incident first, an area where no ambulance was available or as back-up for a serious case. An ambulance had to be dispatched as well for transporting any patients and sometimes, if the patient required treatment beyond the skill level of an available road crew, they would have to abandon this vehicle to travel to the hospital and then retrieve it later.
Julia was becoming increasingly aware of how quiet Mac was as she listened in on the radio traffic. The blips advertising a new message were coming thick and fast. An ambulance was being dispatched to a three car pile-up. Someone else was reporting an NFA from another scene. No further assistance was required there because it was a DOA rather than the cardiac arrest that had been called in. A crew patched through advance notice of a critically ill stroke patient they were transporting to a receiving emergency department and a vehicle was being sent to a rural area to be on standby while the fire service dealt with a house fire.
Busy but nothing out of the ordinary. Julia had her fingers crossed that a call wouldn’t come in the next little while. Long enough for them to visit Ken and see how he was getting on. And long enough to find out why Mac seemed to have withdrawn again.
Not as much as he had the other night, travelling back from the train crash but enough to worry Julia and chip away at this morning’s relief when it had seemed like they could get past any awkward aftermath of that kiss. His message had been received loud and clear. They were a good team and that was all, but they’d never had this odd tension between them before. Silences that became loaded so quickly.
And Mac had made a tentative step towards friendship this morning, hadn’t he? She could reciprocate and maybe that would be enough to fix things properly.
‘So…’ Having made the resolution, Julia impulsively reached out to turn down the volume of the radio. ‘Fair’s fair, Mac.’
He shot her a wary glance.
‘I mean, I’m feeling at a disadvantage now. Like I haven’t had my turn.’
The look was a frown this time. ‘I’m not following you. What have I had that you haven’t?’
‘Information.’
‘Such as?’
‘Well, you know a lot more about me than I do about you.’
Mac was staring into the side mirror, watching for an opportunity to change lanes. ‘Not that much.’
‘Enough,’ Julia said firmly. She switched off the tiny voice at the back of her mind that was suggesting she might be making a mistake here. ‘It’s my turn,’ she continued. ‘I want to know about you.’
Mac was still concentrating on his driving. He changed lanes twice and then indicated an upcoming turn but Julia was watching his face just as carefully and she saw something in the softening of his features that suggested her interest might not be unwelcome. That encouragement was more than enough to switch off that annoying little voice.
‘You know heaps,’ Mac said. ‘How old I am, where I come from, where I did my training. How I like my coffee.’ He gave her just the hint of a crooked smile. ‘All the important stuff.’
Julia laughed, shaking her head. ‘That last one’s going to come back and bite you, mate. And I’m not talking about work stuff. I’m talking about the kinds of things friends might talk about. We are friends, aren’t we?’
Friends. It was such a nice, safe word. She could definitely detect a lessening of any tension in the atmosphere now.
‘You want to talk about football? Wrestling, maybe?’
Julia’s breath hitched. No, not wrestling. ‘That’s boy stuff,’ she said dismissively. ‘I’m talking family. Like what you know about me. Brothers, sisters, ex-wives…that sort of thing.’
Oh…God! What on earth had made that come out? This wasn’t the time to diffuse tension by cracking stupid jokes.
Mac looked as startled as she was herself. ‘You want to know about my ex-wife?’
Julia swallowed. ‘You have one?’
A tiny pause and then a huff of sound that had an unmistakably ironic twinge. ‘No.’
She had to laugh again, to hide the flash of…what was it, relief? Elation? Something entirely inappropriate, anyway. This was supposed to be a joke. Something light that would make Mac smile.
‘That’s two,’ she told him sternly. ‘Any more and I can’t promise you’ll survive the retribution.’
Mac chuckled. ‘OK, shoot. My past history is an open book.’
Was it? Could she ask about the blonde woman?
No. She didn’t want to know. It was none of her business because this was about friendship, not romance.
‘Brothers?’
‘Nope.’
‘Sisters?’
‘Nope.’
‘You’re an only child?’
Mac sighed. ‘Did you really get your degree with honours?’
Julia ignored the insult. ‘I wouldn’t have picked it, that’s all.’
‘Why? Do I seem spoilt? Self-centred and socially insensitive or something?’
‘Not at all.’ The idea of applying any of those criticisms to Mac was ludicrous. ‘I was kind of an only child myself, you know, what with Anne turning into my mother.’
Mac turned off onto another road and Julia saw the sign indicating the route to the Eastern Infirmary—the hospital they were heading for. This conversation would have to end very soon and she hadn’t stepped off first base, really. Mac was going all silent again so it was up to her to say something.
‘It’s just that you’re such a people person,’ she said carefully. ‘You get on so well with everybody and you love kids. I had this picture in my head of you being the oldest in a big family. The big brother, you know?’
Mac turned into the car park. ‘I wish,’ he said quietly, choosing an empty slot to swing the vehicle into. ‘A big family was something I always dreamed of.’ He pulled on the hand brake and cut the engine.
Something inside Julia died right along with the engine.
The tiny hope that this could have been
something. That they didn’t have to bury that kiss and make it go away.
It was something in Mac’s tone. A wistfulness that told her a big family was a dream that mattered a lot. Something he hadn’t had as a child but he could—and should—be able to realise it as a father.
The road that led further than that kiss could never go in that direction and she owed it to Mac not to let either of them take it further.
Not that he was showing the slightest sign of wanting to but she could have kept hoping and now she wasn’t going to. And that was good. Any potential for an emotional ride that could only end in a painful crash was being removed.
‘Come on, then.’ Julia reached for the door latch. ‘Let’s go and find Ken.’
Their spinal injury patient from the train carriage was still in the intensive care unit but he was awake and seemed delighted to see his visitors.
‘Hey, Jules! You’ve come to see me.’
‘I said I would.’ Julia’s smile was lighting up her whole face and it wasn’t just Ken who was captured by its warmth. Mac had to make an effort to look away and find something else compelling enough to compete with that smile.
‘I probably won’t need surgery.’ Ken sounded tired but quite happy to discuss his treatment with the person who’d played such a big part in his rescue.
‘That’s fantastic,’ Julia said. ‘So the doctors are happy with you?’
‘So far. They’ve warned me it’s going to be a long road to any recovery and they said we won’t know how bad things will end up being until after the spinal shock wears off, and that can take weeks.’
Julia was nodding, her face sympathetic. Then she glanced up at the wall behind his bed which was plastered with get-well cards.
‘So many cards,’ she said. ‘You’re a popular man, Ken. I reckon I’d be lucky to get two if I was lying in that bed.’
‘I doubt that.’ Ken’s tone was admiring. So was the gaze he had fixed on Julia. Mac felt a kind of growl rumbling in his chest. He cleared his throat.
‘What was the verdict?’ he asked. ‘As far as damage?’
‘A fracture/dislocation in C6/7 and a fracture in…um…I think it was T8. Does that mean anything?’
Mac smiled. ‘Sure does. Any changes in your symptoms in the last couple of days?’
‘The pins and needles have gone from my hands. I’ve got them in my feet instead but they say that’s a good thing.’
‘It is,’ Julia agreed. ‘And the earlier you see an improvement, the more likely things are to end up better than you might expect.’
‘Pretty much what my doctor said.’ Ken had that slightly awed tone back again. ‘You really know your stuff, don’t you?’
‘I’m still learning.’ Julia’s gaze flicked to Mac and she smiled.
The smile said that she was learning from him and that she was grateful. It made Mac feel important. Necessary. He had things he could give her, like knowledge and new skills. Not that he hadn’t already been doing that but it seemed more significant now. The way everything happening between them did.
The pleasurable pride faded abruptly, however, as Mac realised what that significance was. Julia had just reminded him of his position as her mentor. Of her passion for her career and why she was here.
The sound of their pagers curtailed the visit. Julia promised to visit again on her next day off and Mac was aware of another unpleasant splash of emotion.
Jealousy?
If it was, it was easily dealt with because Mac also realised that Julia had just handed him exactly what he needed.
The key to be able to lock that box.
It wasn’t that the reminder of Christine hadn’t been enough to warn him off. This was a bonus. Julia wasn’t just a woman whose career was the most important thing to her, he was her senior colleague. Her teacher. In a position of authority. To step over professional boundaries into anything more personal simply wasn’t acceptable and his reputation and status in his chosen field of work were everything to him.
This was the key.
He would talk to Julia about spinal injuries on their way to this callout. He would quiz her about spinal oedema and paralytic ileus and the scientific evidence that an early infusion of methyl prednisolone could minimise any ongoing damage to the spinal cord.
And when they were at the job they could talk about that patient. Analyse the job on the way home. Anything that would foster professionalism.
Yes. The key was in its slot and Mac was confident that it would turn smoothly.
The danger was over.
CHAPTER FIVE
‘DO SEIZURES in the first week after a head injury indicate a risk of future epilepsy?’
‘No.’
‘Why are they serious, then?’
Julia sat down at the messroom table. ‘They can cause hypoxic brain damage.’
‘How?’
She opened the paper bag to extract the lunch she had purchased at a nearby noodle house. Hers was a chili chicken mix and Mac had gone for beef and black beans. He was using a fork and she had chopsticks but it wasn’t the differences in their meal or implement choices that was bothering her right now. It wasn’t even because Joe had taken his lunch out the back somewhere so he could have a chat to his wife on the phone while he ate, thereby depriving Julia of some ordinary, stress-free conversation.
No. What was bothering her was that it had been nearly three days since they’d gone to visit Ken and something had flicked a switch in Mac in the wake of that hospital visit. He’d turned into the mentor from hell. Julia felt like she was either listening to a lecture, taking an exam or demonstrating practical skills to an assessor. He was perfectly friendly and smiling as much as he ever had. He was taking an interest in her training that could only be described as keen and he clearly wanted to help her challenge herself and learn more. He was also very quick to praise anything and everything she did well.
And it was driving her around the bend!
OK, so the kiss had been a mistake. They both knew that. She’d been content that they’d reset the ground rules so that friendship was permissible but somehow, after that visit to Ken, Mac had changed the rules again and she didn’t understand why. Julia was becoming increasingly frustrated. No, actually, she was getting seriously annoyed.
He was safe. She wasn’t about to ambush him again and jump his bones. No matter how attractive the prospect, she had dismissed any notion of the fling Anne had advocated, never mind anything with more significance.
So why did she feel like the bad guy here? Like that kiss had liquefied and then formed a glass wall that Mac was determined not to crack. Or look through even. By making it so obvious that he was keeping his distance, he was making things worse.
Instead of being able to forget the kiss and move on, this was making her more and more aware of him. He was probably picking up on that and that was making him feel threatened and retreat further.
A vicious circle.
With an inward sigh, Julia tried to distract herself…yet again.
She opened her cardboard box and sniffed appreciatively. ‘Mmm. Good choice, going to the noodle house.’ Looking up to see if Mac was enjoying his food, she found he had an eyebrow raised expectantly.
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake,’ she muttered under her breath, snapping the disposable chopsticks apart. ‘Fine.’ She raised her voice and spoke very quickly. ‘Brain damage occurs because a seizure involves maximal brain metabolism and increased muscle metabolism. This consumes oxygen and glucose, which leads to hypoxia. Or they may induce airway obstruction and possibly temporary respiratory arrest, which will also cause hypoxia. A brain deprived of oxygen for too long becomes irreversibly damaged. Can I eat my lunch now, please, sir?’
Something that could have been disappointment or even hurt showed in Mac’s face but his gaze slid away from hers instantly. The way it always seemed to now.
‘Sure,’ he said easily. ‘Enjoy.’
They ate in silence for a minute or tw
o. Perversely, Julia wanted Mac to ask her something else. She wanted to hear his voice, even if it meant racking her brains to give him the correct answer to a question or an intelligent response to some information.
Or was it because of the feeling she had done something wrong? Upset him in some way? She had a delicious-looking piece of chicken caught between her chopsticks but hesitated with it in mid-air because she couldn’t help glancing across the table at Mac as she hit a mental rewind button to see if she had said or done anything unacceptable so far today.
Mac had just put a generous forkful of noodles into his mouth but one hadn’t quite made its destination, hanging from one corner. Julia’s gaze was captured. And then Mac put out the tip of his tongue to capture the errant noodle and she was aware of a wave of heat that nearly melted her into a puddle on her chair. It felt like a spark had been dropped into a tinder-dry forest somewhere in her abdomen and it caught with a flash like a small explosion. Heat radiated upwards. She could feel it reach her neck and head for her cheeks.
Her hand must have trembled slightly because she lost the grip on that piece of chicken and it fell and bounced down her overalls, leaving a trail of chilli sauce. Julia made a dive for it, snatching it up and putting it in her mouth, hoping she had reacted so quickly her clumsiness might go unnoticed.
She could feel Mac watching her, however. Could feel the tension making the air she was trying to breathe feel like treacle. Oh, God! Had he been watching her watching him lick up that noodle? That vicious circle spun faster. Out of control. This awareness was driving her just as crazy as Mac’s determination to be Super-Mentor.
Why couldn’t it just go away? If Mac trusted her, it would. A flicker of anger at the hidden insult was generated but confrontation was hardly going to help anything, was it?
‘Oops, busted!’ The old habit of making a joke to defuse emotional overload was too hard to change. She grinned at Mac. ‘I’m a piglet!’
But Mac’s smile was tight and Julia felt like an idiot.
Repressed anger grew. She was doing her very best to sort this situation out but Mac wasn’t co-operating. At this rate, what had been a perfect partnership would be poisoned. They would end up actually disliking each other. Julia was already feeling the stirring of resentment that could very easily express itself as antagonism. She could feel her own smile freezing and her gaze hardening into a glare.
Wishing for a Miracle Page 6