6-c. The Miami Indians called their village “Checaugou,” named for a small river, which in turn was supposedly named for the odor of the wild onions that grew there.
7-b. Those Portuguese adventurers really got around. The city had been inhabited since prehistoric times, but wasn’t called “Bombay” until it was captured by the Portuguese in the 16th century.
8-a. For more than 1,000 years this fishing port controlled China’s access to the sea, hence the name.
During World War I, Charles De Gaulle was injured three times at the Battle of Verdun.
UNCOVERING UNDERWEAR
* * *
What our ancestors wore, and didn’t.
Have you ever wondered what people wore underneath their togas, hoopskirts, etc.? Let’s take a peek:
WHEN IN ANCIENT ROME. . . OR GREECE OR EGYPT
• The Roman noblemen wore tunics and briefs under their togas. Women wore tunics, too, and breastbands that made them fashionably flat-chested.
• Female slaves in ancient Greece and Egypt often wore nothing but a necklace and a thong.
• King Tut’s tomb contained 145 loincloths—diaperlike underpants.
BARE NAKED LADIES
• Women didn’t wear panties until the mid-1830s. Before that, any form of pants was considered too masculine. Under those petticoats, everyone from Martha Washington to Marie Antoinette was naked.
• The hoopskirts of the 1850s and 1860s created a problem. The stiff frame that gave the skirt its shape flew up in a high wind. The solution? Pantaloons.
BOXERS OR BRIEFS?
• Men didn’t wear boxers or briefs before the 20th century. Longjohns or union suits (so called because the undershirt and the drawers were united in one piece) were the way to go.
• In earlier days, the long tails of men’s shirts did double duty as underpants.
In 1996, when Mikhail Gorbachev ran for the presidency of Russia, he got 0.5% of the vote.
BEST LIST OF BESTS
* * *
They’ve withstood the test of time, they’ve beaten out the competition, they’re the all-time greats: Uncle John’s choices for some of the best stuff ever.
Best Writing Implement: The computer. Because the idea of going back and retyping (or, hell, repenning) an entire book should fill any writer with suicidal horror.
Best Hat: The fedora. Any hat that can make a mug like Humphrey Bogart’s look good has something going for it.
Best Method of Execution: The guillotine. You know, it was created to be a humane way of chopping off someone’s head. Someone should have thought that point all the way through.
Best Means of Transportation: The locomotive. Probably the single most important tool in opening up North America, which is why the natives spent so much time wrecking the rails.
Best Use of the Wheel: In clocks, to provide accurate, standard measurements of time. Western Civilization as we know it would not be possible without it; you decide whether this is good or bad.
Best Phallic Symbol: The Washington Monument. Started in the early 1800s, paused during the Civil War (constructus interruptus), completed thereafter.
Best Useless Structure: The Eiffel Tower. It was built to represent progress. The French hated it. Insert your own punchline.
Best Cleaning Material: Soap. Just soap. Around for millennia, its use as a cleaning agent only really picked up in the last couple hundred years. In the 19th century, Justus von Liebig said that the amount of soap consumed by a nation was an accurate measure of its wealth and civilization. So, pick up a bar and lather up!
Best Use of Propaganda: Shakespeare’s Richard III. As it happens, Richard III wasn’t a hunchback or a mass murderer. (He wasn’t a very nice guy, but who among royalty back then was?) Why such a nasty representation of Richard? Could be because the reigning monarch at the time was the granddaughter of the man who overthrew him. Just a guess.
Every U.S. president with a beard has been a Republican.
Best Dance: The waltz. When it came out, it brought Vienna into chaos, as people neglected home and business to dance night and day and night again. (Because people loved dancing so close to each other! The horror!) Made the Macarena look like a blip. Which it was, but even so.
Best Drug: Nicotine. Percentage-wise, it’s easier to quit heroin than nicotine. Although admittedly, heroin doesn’t advertise in trendy magazines with young men with washboard stomachs sail-boarding with hot chicks in bikinis.
Best Inappropriate Remark: “Let them eat cake.” Purists note that Marie actually said “brioche,” which is a sweet bread, and not exactly cake, but, you know, it’s the thought that counts.
Best Board Game: Chess, which was introduced to Europe at the beginning of this millennium. Why is it the best? Because no one gives a damn that a computer can beat a human at Monopoly.
Best Use of an Unpleasant Climate by a Defending Army: Russia. Russian winters did in Napoleon and Hitler. Not bad. Oh, sure, the Russian soldiers helped. But look how successful they’ve been in warm-weather wars, and you’ll know. It was the snow.
Best Proof the Human Race Is Not Merely a Festering Sore on the Face of This Over-Burdened Globe: Beethoven’s ninth symphony, which is quite possibly the greatest artistic achievement the human race may accomplish. If all the universe gets out of us is that one piece of music, I figure we’ve paid our way. However, it means we’ve peaked. Let’s try not to make the decline too steep, okay? Thanks.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.
Winston Churchill
The real John Birch was killed by the Chinese 10 days after World War II ended.
THE RICH HISTORY OF CHOCOLATE
* * *
Among the ancients, it was revered as the “elixir of the gods.”
Today, it is the one sweet temptation that most of us find impossible to resist. Yet, for most of its 3,500-year history, it was not eaten but rather consumed as a beverage—and a cold one at that. Although its form and flavor have taken many twists and turns through the millennia, its appeal, once discovered, has been universal. So, why not treat yourself to a tour of the rich history of chocolate.
THE OLD GRIND
1500 B.C.: The Olmec civilizations of Guatemala, the Chiapas and the Yucatan regions of Central America cultivate the cacao tree and make use of its product by grinding the beans and then mixing with water.
MONEY GROWS ON TREES
A.D. 200: The Olmecs have been overthrown by the Mayan civilization. The vast cacao plantations are used as a source of currency, with the little black beans being traded for goods or services. The bean is only consumed by the ruling classes. By now the process of making the drink has become more sophisticated—the beans are roasted and then ground with water before spices such as chili are added. The resulting mixture is shaken until it develops a frothy top, at which point it is ready to be enjoyed.
A HEAVENLY DRINK
A.D. 1200: The Mayans have been supplanted by the Aztecs who heartily embrace the product of the cacao tree, even incorporating it into their mythology. Their god Quetzalcoatl is said to have pilfered a cacao tree from the heavenly realms and deposited it on the Central American plains ready to be converted into a health elixir and powerful aphrodisiac. Famed Emperor Montezuma enjoys the drink so much that he reputedly downs 50 goblets full every day (the amount of time he spends on the royal lavatory as a result of such liquid overload is not recorded).
Jimmy Hoffa was last seen alive at the Machus Red Fox restaurant.
WRONG CURRENCY
1502: Christopher Columbus, on his fourth voyage to the New World, takes possession of a Mayan trading vessel containing what he takes to be almonds and which function as a means of monetary exchange for the Native Americans. He thereby becomes the first European to encounter the cacao bean, though he scarcely gives it any attention and certainly never tastes it.
JUST A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR
ENGLISH COOKING
1579: The English let the chocolate opportunity slip through their fingers when they seize a Spanish cargo ship on the high seas. The British Buccaneers are surprised to find that the ship holds a cargo of what they take to be sheep droppings and set it on fire. Eight years later they get a second chance when another Spanish ship carrying cacao beans is seized. Again, however, they destroy the cargo, declaring it to be useless.
GOES A COURTING
1609–1643: The secret is out. Chocolate makes its way across Europe, causing a sensation among the royal courts who are first introduced to it. France’s Sun King, Louis XIV is so taken with the delicacy that he appoints a representative to manufacture and sell it. The first book entirely devoted to chocolate is printed in Mexico. Throughout the French nobility, the aphrodisiac properties of the drink are highly regarded. Both Casanova and the Marquis de Sade are said to be prolific consumers.
FAST FOOD
1662: The Church of Rome declares that the consumption of chocolate, although highly nutritious and filling, is not considered to be food and can therefore safely be taken in its liquid form during periods of religious fasting.
Columnist and writer Ambrose Bierce vanished while following Pancho Villa.
JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
1765: Chocolate, by now highly regarded as a liquid delicacy and a medicinal remedy in Europe, makes its way to the United States where Dr. James Baker of Massachusetts begins a chocolate manufacturing plant. Cacao beans are ground into chocolate liquid and pressed into cakes that can be dissolved in water or milk to make drinking chocolate. At the same time, James Watt invents the steam engine in Europe, which will soon be applied to the mechanized manufacture of chocolate.
WARRANT FOR HIS ASCENT
1824: John Cadbury opens a grocery in Birmingham, England, selling roasted cacao beans on the side. Very soon he is concentrating solely on the cacao beans and, in 1854, receives a Royal Warrant to be the sole provider of chocolate to Queen Victoria. A century later Cadbury is the largest food company in the world.
BAR KING
1847: The modern chocolate bar is born when British manufacturer Joseph Fry mixes melted cacao butter into a paste that is then pressed into a mold and sold as a solid bar. Soon the public has become educated to eat, rather than drink their chocolate.
1893: Milton Snavely Hershey enters the chocolate business. The world is introduced to the milk chocolate Hershey bar, followed by Hershey’s Kisses. His operations grow at such a rate he takes over the entire town of Derry Church, Pennsylvania, renames it Hershey, and turns it into the chocolate capital of the world.
1900 to present: The creation of chocolate delicacies becomes an art form. In 1908, the Swiss Toblerone bar is offered, in 1922 the European Chocolate Kiss, chocolate-covered cherries in 1929, and that old favorite—the chunky bar filled with nuts and raisins in the mid-1930’s. During World War II, chocolate bars become standard issue item for the U.S. military. When man conquers Mt. Everest in 1953 and heads into space in the 1960s, the chocolate bar goes along. By the end of the 20th century, science acknowledges what the Aztecs knew all along—that chocolate is a powerful fighter against fatigue, giving the eater added strength and energy. But, the scientists found, that energy comes at a price—a one-and-a-half-ounce chocolate bar contains 220 calories!
Sarajevo caused trouble before. The death of an archduke there started World War I.
GYPSIES: TRAMPS AND THIEVES?
* * *
There’s the romantic vision of Gypsies: colorful folks in quaint caravans who play the fiddles, offer palm readings, and dress in scarves and bright peasant dresses, always cheerfully on the move.
And there’s the less festive image of the Gypsies, which has them living outside the law in makeshift encampments and preying on good, upstanding folks, who nevertheless snuck in to gawk. The real story of the Gypsies, however, is something else again.
WHO ARE YOU CALLING A GYPSY?
First things first. To begin, they’re not really Gypsies. They call themselves “Rom,” or “Romany.” “Gypsy” is just a title that was put on them by the gadje (in the Romany language that means “barbarian,” and if you’re not Romany, this means you) around the 16th century. The term “Gypsy” is inaccurate in any event—it’s a shortened version of “Egyptian,” based on the belief that Gypsies originated in the Nile delta. They didn’t. They’re originally from northern India. But you know those medieval Europeans; they weren’t so good with the maps.
WORLD TRAVELERS
The Romany may have been from northern India, but they didn’t stay there. By the 11th century they were in Persia (modern-day Iran) and by the 1400s could be found all over Europe. Today an estimated two to five million Romany live all over the world, including North America and Australia, although the majority still reside in Europe, with large numbers in the Czech and Slovak Republics, Hungary, Yugoslavia, Bulgaria, and Romania (which takes its name from Rome, the empire, not Rom, the people).
However, just because the Romany had migrated to Europe by the 15th century didn’t mean that Europeans, notably twitchy concerning foreigners no matter what the era, were very pleased to have them there. It didn’t help that the Romany, traditionally nomadic and organized in family-oriented bands, lived and worked on the fringes of settled society. These social traits often made the Romany scapegoats for trouble (after all, they were just passing though). Romany were frequently labeled grifters, thieves, and witches, and were persecuted accordingly.
Pliny the Elder died of curiosity when he sailed too close to Mt. Vesuvius to get a look.
BY THE BOATLOAD
How? Well, for starters, they were given the boot a whole lot: Denmark, Norway, Sweden, France, and England are just some of the countries that had laws expelling the Romany from their borders between the 16th and 19th centuries. Much of the time, if the Romany didn’t take the hint and came back, they could be killed, or shipped off in forced migrations to colonies in North and South America, Brazil, or Australia. The rationale of sending people you don’t like or want to your own colonies is a little screwy, but the Europeans apparently figured it was better than having them on the outskirts of town.
A NICE HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS
Occasionally, a country would get it into its collective head to rescue the Romany from their lifestyle and make them “respectable” folks (without consulting the Romany on the matter, of course). In 18th-century Hungary, for example, Romany were made to settle and farm, and Rom children were taken from families to learn new trades. The Romany language was outlawed, as was their music (except on holidays). It didn’t take, however, and forced assimilations in Spain were similarly unsuccessful.
HEY, JOIN THE CLUB!
If you thought things might get better for the Romany in the 20th century, you’ve clearly forgotten what a mess Europe was in that era. The Nazis, who didn’t much like anyone who wasn’t them, had it in for the Romany from the start. Not that the Romany were having a grand time of it before the Nazis came to power—The Romany were subject to discriminatory laws in Germany during the Weimar Republic as well. They were required to register with officials, prohibited from traveling freely, and frequently sent to forced-labor camps. The Nazis kept these laws in place and added to them, making the Romany subject to forced sterilizations and other horrifyingly racist laws.
Lenin, Ho Chi Minh, Mao, and Evita Peron were mummified after they died.
THE “ARYAN” RACE
In one nasty bit of irony, the Romany were traditionally classified as “Ary
an,” though clearly not of the blond, angular variety which the Nazis had such a thing for. “Aryan” comes from the Sanskrit arya, which historically refers to the people of Northern India. The technical Aryan classification of the Romany pained Hitler and his toadies a bit, but not enough to give them pause. Indeed, other than the Jews, the Romany were the only racial group specifically targeted for extermination by the Nazis. By 1938, Romany were being placed into concentration camps, where they were often identified by black triangles (the mark of the “asocial”). During the course of World War II, somewhere between 200,000 and 500,000 Romany perished in the camps; an estimated 1½ million died between 1935 and 1945.
GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR. . . BUT NO GYPSIES
Don’t get too smug because you’re an American, by the way. Anti-Gypsy laws were on the books at one time or another in Mississippi, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Texas, Indiana, Georgia, and Maryland. In the late 19th century, Romany were even specifically barred from immigrating to the U.S.
Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Plunges into History Page 40