for now we are worth $8.5.
“Scotty. . . beam me up!”
On the 22nd of June Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
Been here:
Now gone:
Had a good time.
Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
I’ll thank you not to put your butt on my grave.
Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God.
A victim of fast women and slow horses
Life is a jest, and all things show it; I thought so once and now I know it.
Some come to this graveyard
To sit and think,
But I’ve come here to
Rot and stink.
Owen Moore
Gone away
Owin’ more
Than he could pay.
In 1839, Maine and New Brunswick, Canada, fought a bloodless “War of Pork and Beans.”
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
Stop, reader, pray and read my gate What caused my life to terminate For thieves by night when in my bed Broke in my house and shot me dead.
Charles Thompson, 1891 Shot in the back by a dirty rat!
Is it a
Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.
I was not.
I am not.
I grieve not.
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.
This stone was raised to Sarah Ford,
Not Sarah’s virtues to record—
For they’re well known to all the town—
No Lord; it was raised to keep her down.
TOOTHLESS NELL
Killed 1876 in a dance hall brawl Her last words
“Circumstances led me to this end.”
It is a Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake
Who died for peace and quietness sake;
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin;
So he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin
Weep not for me mother & brothers dear
It is God’s wish that I am here
At my sweet age I swallowed a bone
That sent me to a happy home.
John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
Enjoy Yourself ‘Tis Later Than You Think
Reader pass on and ne’er waste your time,
On bad biography and bitter rhyme
For what I am this cumb’rous clay insures,
And what I was, is no affair of yours.
Ellen Shannon Fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with “R.E. Danforth’s Non-Explosive Burning Fluid”
What is it like after you are dead?
Like it was before you were born and for just as long.
Doc Holliday was indeed a doctor, specifically a dentist.
Here lies the body of Thomas Kemp Who lived by wool and died by hemp.
Two things I love most, good horses and beautiful women, and when I die I hope they tan this old hide of mine and make it into a ladies’ riding saddle, so I can rest in peace between the two things I love most.
In a cemetery in England: Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone
To follow you I’ll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.
Storrington Churchyard, England
Little Willy in the best of sashes,
Played with fire and was burnt to ashes!
Very soon the room got chilly,
But no one liked to poke poor Willy!
Mary Keith Marshall’s epitaph is in a graveyard in Kentucky:
She was good but not brilliant; Useful but not great.”
Somewhere in rural America
Beneath this stone our baby lies,
He neither cries, nor hollers.
He lived but one and twenty days,
And cost us forty dollars.
Location unknown
John Brown, a dentist
Stranger! Approach this spot with gravity!
John Brown is filling his last cavity.
He worshipped at the altar of Romance
(Tried to seduce a woman half his age)
And dared to stake his fortune on a chance
(gambled away his children’s heritage).
At rest beneath this slab of stone
Lies stingy Jimmy Wyatt;
He died one morning just at ten,
And saved a dinner by it.
This one was from a woman who had never married:
No hits, no runs, no heirs.
“I’ve made a lot of good deals in my lifetime, but I went in the hole on this one”
“Let your wind blow wherever ye be For holding mine was the death of me”
Here lies a poor unfortunate who was victim of his own imprudence.
This epitaph was written for a young baby:
Opened my eyes, took a peep;
Didn’t like it, went to sleep.
When I am dead and in my grave and all my bones are rotten
While reading this you’ll think of me when I am long forgotten!
She failed her breathalizer test now she lays with the best.
During WWII, the U.S. never declared war on two Axis powers: Thailand and Finland.
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM BARBARIANS
* * *
Barbarians have always gotten a bad rap.
But maybe they weren’t such a bad bunch after all.
When the Roman Empire fell in the fifth century, the entire Roman Empire was overrun by barbarians. Now some historians are saying that Rome was on the verge of falling apart anyway, even before the barbarians moved in and spoiled the neighborhood.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY BARBARIAN, ANYHOW?
The original Greek word was applied to strangers who didn’t speak Greek. The word imitates what the unintelligible foreigners sounded like: “bar-bar-bar” (sorta like “blah, blah, blah”). So, really, every non-Greek civilization is barbarian. Even yours. And the idea that barbarians are more violent than their civilized neighbors is debatable. Take the Romans: they made their reputation sacking cities, beheading enemies, occasionally slaughtering children, and making a public entertainment out of killing Christians, Jews, and slaves in various imaginative ways. Was that nice?
THEY WEREN’T ALL BAD, YOU KNOW
When pagan tribes began to invade the Roman Empire, some of them settled in and became part of the community. They brought fresh ideas, flexibility, tools, and skills with them, and passed them on to the new civilizations that followed. They even introduced some festivities that we still have a lot of fun with today.
BARBARIAN BENEFITS
Here are some of the nice things we got from those barbarians.
• The Germanic tribes were farmers, and in some locations they revolutionized agriculture. They knew how to build a plow that worked better than any local design used in the heavy soil of northern Britain, for example. Land that formerly had to be plowed twice could now be tilled much deeper, and much faster. The invaders soon became lords of gre
at estates, making them local VIPs.
• Most people would have trouble staying on a charging horse—much less wielding a weapon—without a saddle or stirrups. Barbarian warriors brought both of those to Europe. In fact, legend has it that invading Goths beat the Roman infantry because Goth horsemen had stirrups.
• Saint Bede the Venerable, an eighth century theologian and historian, wrote that Easter has its roots in the pagan Anglo-Saxon spring equinox festival, around March 20–21. (On the spring and fall equinoxes, day and night are about the same length.) The spring festival was called Eostre after a goddess of spring and of beauty. The barbarian practice of coloring eggs, and their respect for rabbits—both revered as fertility images—were also incorporated into the Christian celebration. (By the way, the Venerable Bede is the one who got everybody started dating events B.C. and A.D.—before and after the year he mistakenly thought Jesus was born.)
• Other barbarian rites of spring survive in May Day celebrations. Cavorting around a gaily decorated maypole was originally intended to encourage fertility in crops and animals.
• Winter solstice—the shortest day of the year—was celebrated by tribal people from December 20–31. Solstice festivals honored vegetation gods, and included decorating with greenery, fir trees, and mistletoe (sound familiar?), which symbolized fertility and long life. Northern tribes also contributed the Yule log, feasts featuring a boar’s head (Oh, Mom, boar’s head again?) or ham, and even the exchange of gifts. (It’s beginning to look a lot like you-know-what.)
• Even today’s Santa Claus is partly based on the chief Norse god Odin, who was said to ride all around the world every winter, giving out gifts and punishments (you’d better watch out. . .). Odin was especially generous to children who put out treats for his eight-legged horse, Slepnir. (Slepnir, the rednosed. . .doesn’t quite have the same ring, does it?)
The Battle of the Coral Sea was the first in which opposing ships never saw each other.
Although Mildred Gillars was Axis Sally, no one woman was Tokyo Rose.
THE ADULTERY AWARDS
* * *
When it came to philandering, royal spouses stacked up such astounding achievements that the judging was a tough job. But somebody had to do it.
We want to thank all the winners for their hard work and dedication. The decision of the judges is final and Uncle John’s Historic Adulterer Awards go to:
MOST PROLIFIC: Augustus II of Poland (1670–1733) was nicknamed “The Strong” for such feats as wrestling bears and unbending horseshoes with his bare hands. But that wasn’t the only area where he showed great stamina. Augustus is credited with fathering somewhere over 350 illegitimate offspring—so many that he occasionally lost track and ended up having affairs with his own offspring. He only managed to have one legitimate heir, however, as his wife was so disgusted that she left Poland. Among his many, many descendants was the great French writer, feminist, and cross-dresser, George Sand.
BEST DEFENSE: With Caroline of Brunswick, estranged wife of King George IV (1752–1830) of England, the question was always, “Does she or doesn’t she?” While Caroline probably only slept with her husband once, she certainly appeared to enjoy herself without him. After the split with George, she maintained a large household where she gave wild parties. Her home was full of children, at least some of whom were rumored to be hers. But Caroline was fat and inclined to go without corsets, so it was hard to tell if and when she was pregnant. In 1814 she moved to Europe, where she occasionally went topless to balls, accompanied by gigolos. Chief among said gigolos was Bartolomeo Pergami. Here again, the question with Caroline and Pergami was, “Do they or don’t they?” When George sued Caroline for divorce, the question became a legal issue, and a servant testified that “Her Royal Highness had heard of the enormous size of [Pergami’s] machine and sent for him by courier.” But Caroline’s lawyers claimed Pergami was impotent. Caroline won her case, but died a few months later and was never officially crowned queen.
Saint Jude is the patron saint of desperate situations.
BEST QUOTE: As uncle of the underage Louis XV, Philippe II, duc d’Orleans (1674-1723) ruled as Regent of France for nine years. This gave him plenty of scope for his love of drink, entertaining, and women. Even on religious holidays (sacre bleu!), Philippe held dinner parties with prostitutes, engaging in hankypanky with just about anyone within reach—including, it was rumored, even his own kin. The Regent was a believer in quantity, not quality. When his mother chided him on the ugliness of his girlfriends, he replied, “All cats are gray in the dark.”
MOST IRONIC: Charles II (1630–1685) of England fathered at least 20 illegitimate children, prompting a contemporary to quip, “A king is supposed to be the father of his people and Charles certainly was father to a good many of them.” The one woman he couldn’t manage to get pregnant was his wife. The crown passed to his brother, James II, whose unpopularity led to a revolution.
MOST ORGANIZED: King Louis XV (1710–1774) of France put a lot of thought and effort into his extracurricular activities. In the interests of efficiency, he once went through five sisters in a row. At Versailles he installed an elevator—the first ever—so he could get to his girlfriends more quickly. His wife, Maria, gave up on the job of trying to keep him happy after ten children, pleading that she was always either “in bed or pregnant.” Official mistress Madame de Pompadour took up the torch, but her health and enthusiasm eventually flagged. Instead, Louis established a small personal brothel near the palace that was kept well stocked with young girls. (They were told that their wealthy client was a Polish nobleman.) The king did finally close the brothel in 1771, after meeting his last lover, Madame du Barry. If Louis XV had put as much effort into helping his subjects as he put into his love life, things might have turned out better for his son, Louis XVI, and for Madame du Barry, who, in 1793, was hauled out of obscure retirement for a date with the guillotine.
MOST SPEEDY: Honorable mention goes to the son of Charles X, Ferdinand, duc de Beri who was assassinated in 1820. In what looked like a shakedown, a dozen women from the town of Nantes complained to Ferdinand’s widow that her late husband had left them pregnant. The duchess was ready to show them the door when one of her staff reminded her that the duke had been in Nantes shortly before his death for a whole week. “Ah, then. In that case it’s quite possible,” replied the duchess.
Despite what you may have heard, Mussolini never did make the trains run on time.
MOST FAITHFUL: Sure, Louis XV prayed with his girlfriends, and Philip V of Spain (1683–1746) always confessed afterward (his confessor saw him three times a day). But the piety award goes to John V (1689–1750) of Portugal. When John wasn’t constructing elaborate churches, he was religiously attending to the nuns of the Odivelas Convent, who produced at least three illegitimate offspring of the king.
MOST PUBLIC: Peter the Great was an adulterer on a grand and public scale. When he visited Prussia in 1717, he brought along 400 ladies-in-waiting to look after his entourage. During the visit, one of his hosts noticed that about 100 of these women had young children. When questioned about their offspring, the mothers replied happily, “The czar did me the honor.” Peter also gets points for keeping the cost of his philandering down. Rather than keep expensive mistresses, he often resorted to professionals and even haggled over the fee.
MOST HENPECKED: Britain’s George II (1683–1760) fancied himself a lady-killer, but gave a lot of the credit to his wife, Queen Caroline, who was perhaps not as impressed by George’s bedroom skills as he was. She opted to control rather than curtail her husband’s extramarital activities. When she found out about her husband’s first mistress, Caroline promptly gave her a position at court. From then on she selected all her husband’s paramours, making sure that none of them outshone her in the looks department. Even when George toddled off to Hanover, his other kingdom, he wrote regular letters to his wife, discussing his paramours there and seeking her counsel.
MOST MAR
RYING: The Hanoverian kings of England may have played around, but the most scandalous rumors accused them of bigamy. George III (1738–1820) was widely believed to have married a young Quaker woman and had a son by her. George IV got hitched to a Catholic woman long before he married his official wife, stout Caroline. His brothers William IV and the Duke of
Kent (father of Queen Victoria) were said to be already married to their long-time mistresses when they dumped them in favor of more suitable heir-producers. Three generations later, George V (1865–1936) was accused of having a wife and children in Malta.
Grand Rapids, Michigan, was the first city to fluoridate its water.
MOST MATHMATICAL: Lapetamaka, an 18th-century king of Tonga, took on the awesome burden of deflowering every maiden on his islands, tackling as many as eight cases a day. Not surprisingly, he claimed he never slept with the same woman twice.
MOST FASTIDIOUS: Kublai Khan (1215–1294), emperor of China, turned his dabblings into a 13th-century beauty pageant. Only girls from the Tartar province were eligible, since they were believed to have the nicest complexions in the empire. Hundreds of young women paraded before a panel of judges, who gave them marks for each feature. Those with 20–24 points went on to the capital where the emperor did a second cull, whittling the number of women down to 30 or 40. Those lucky contestants were then given a thorough physical and, if they passed, each was handed over to a lady of the aristocracy for a live-in test. Did they pick their noses, or complain too much about the weather? The ladies even had to sleep with contestants to make sure they didn’t snore or kick in their sleep. The winners became part of a companionable workforce. Groups of five women would attend to the emperor’s every desire for three days and three nights, then the next shift would take over. The workforce was extremely productive, turning out 47 sons and an unknown quantity of daughters.
Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Plunges into History Page 51