A Winter Moon

by S. J. Smith

  *****

  As the days and weeks passed, Tobin started to settle into his new home nicely. Every morning he woke up early for a run along the quiet Alaskan roads, soaking in the cold air and gorgeous, foggy landscapes before anyone else could. Upon his return, Tobin would shower and tidy up his little room before joining Estelle for coffee on the front porch.

  At first he wasn’t sure Estelle cared much for him. Anytime Tobin came within sight of her, he always felt a wall spring up between them. But, ever since he had strolled up to her one Saturday and asked to borrow the paper, they had found a common interest - current events.

  “My pop always quizzed me on this stuff before school. I loved it,” he had told her. He so rarely talked about his family that the ease with which the information came out startled him a little.

  “My parents hated the news,” Estelle had said. “Too depressing they would say, but when you live in the most powerful nation in the world, I don’t see how you don’t take interest in the rest of it.”

  Tobin had agreed wholeheartedly. Since that day, for a few minutes every morning they shared coffee and thoughts on the news from the day before. Tobin was fascinated by how passionate Estelle could get over subjects as trivial as where a speed bump would go in town and yet have an almost detached demeanor when it came to issues such as racism, poverty, and public health.

  “I believe that with some things it's good to remain passionately dispassionate,” she would say. Tobin still hadn’t figured out what that meant, but he enjoyed the conversations all the same. He enjoyed watching her mind at work.

  This particular morning as he rounded the corner, coffee in hand, he was surprised to find Clara on the porch alone.

  “Where is Estelle?” he asked. Clara looked up with a cheerful grin from where she was sitting cross legged with her coffee, reading a book.

  “She received a call from her boss this morning - they needed her to fly out east for some kind of emergency meeting. I don’t know some weird kind of business mumbo jumbo.”

  Tobin found it odd how calm and happy Clara was being. Had he been in her fluffy slippers at the moment, he would have been very worried for Estelle. In fact, he was in his own work boots feeling a bit nervous for what being called across country in an emergency could mean for Estelle’s job.

  “Oh,” was all he said in response. He felt a little awkward with Clara alone. There was something between them – a flirtation always simmering just below the surface of their interactions. Her hand always seemed to brush across his as they worked. He had let a few suggestive comments slip while they went about chores. He had apologized for each of them, but Clara had just smirked and acted like nothing happened.

  There had been more than one night that he had lain in his bed, imagining the noises she would make as he bit her neck and kissed her orange-sized breasts. These thoughts usually lead to a cold shower, but a few nights before he had decided to go ahead and pleasure himself. Thinking about her bouncing, perky breasts and her contorted face as she rode him sent Tobin to a place he hadn’t been to in a while.

  “Tobin?” Clara was looking at him strangely. Blushing, he realized she had asked him a question he had been too lost in thought to answer.

  “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

  “I asked if you were interested in taking a day off to hang out a bit.”

  “Oh,” Tobin felt like a deer in headlights. “Uh…sure?”

  “I just thought it’d do us some good to relax a bit. We’ve gotten the orders up-to-date. There’s nothing really pressing coming up - why not take it easy?”

  Tobin definitely felt something pressing coming up. “Okay. What did you have in mind?”

  “I want to show you my favorite place,” Clara replied with a dangerous smirk.

  ***

  “Are you ready,” Clara shouted from on top of the rock that looked over the lake. She was doing her best tough girl voice that made Tobin, wading in the water below, laugh.

  “Yeah, come on! Show me your best, Gibson.”

  They had been swimming in the scenic secluded spot for the last forty-five minutes. Clara had taken them through a long, winding path that started on the far corner of the farm. Just when Tobin was wondering if this was some kind of wild goose chase, Clara had led him into the breathtaking opening. It was where she came for alone time, she had told him. He felt honored that she was willing to show him.

  “You asked for it!” Clara took a few steps back and then took a running leap off the rock, contorting herself into a cannonball formation. The splash was rather meek for all of the hype surrounding it, but Tobin still clapped when she emerged.

  “Wanna take a break?” he asked.

  “Sure.”

  They both swam to shore and laid out their towels in the sun. As the sun bathed Tobin’s skin in warmth, he felt another stirring in his swim shorts, so he decided to lie on his stomach hastily.

  “Do you want more,” Clara asked.

  Tobin’s head shot up. “What?”

  “More sun screen,” she responded, holding up the tube.

  “Oh, no, I’m good.”

  Clara nodded and squirted some of the white lotion onto her finger tips. Tobin couldn’t help but stare as she rubbed her hands together and began to spread the sunscreen up the length of her legs, all the way up her to her thighs and then slowly back down again. She had to know what she was doing to him, Tobin thought desperately. Lying on his stomach was becoming horribly uncomfortable.

  “Are you ok,” Clara had a smirk on her face as she moved to rub sunscreen onto her long, elegant neck. She knew exactly what she was doing.

  “I’m gonna get back in the water,” Tobin said, pushing himself up and making a bee-line for the lake. He heard her steps behind him before Clara firmly grasped his arm and twisted him around.

  Before he could say a word her lips were on his with a ferocious passion. Her hands buried themselves into his wet hair, holding his head in place. Tobin’s head was swimming with lust and confusion. The logical voice in the back of his head was screaming how bad this was, How he was putting his new life in danger. How hurt Estelle would be if she ever found out.

  The thought of Estelle’s eyes having an ounce of sadness in them was almost enough to make him pull away. That is, until Clara’s hand began to play with the bulge in his shorts with a surprising amount of skill. Tobin’s mind went blank and his carnal impulses took him over completely as he let out a loud moan into the kiss.

  Grabbing the front of her bikini top, Tobin ripped it over her head and began work on Clara’s gorgeous chest. Letting her head fall back, Clara pulled at his hair, getting lost in the pleasure she hadn’t felt in so long.

  “Tobin,” she whimpered.

  This sent a surge through Tobin and he brought himself back up to Clara’s mouth as he pushed his shorts down. Just the relief he felt with his pants around his ankles was enough for him to almost lose control.

  “Oh my,” Clara gasped looking at his sizable length. She bit her lip with desire and reached out to touch Tobin, but was stopped as he turned her around and led her to the side of the rock they had just been playing on.

  “I need you now,” he breathed into her ear before biting it.

  Clara moaned and writhed as his biting went from her ear lobe to the crook of her neck. His hands explored her body, pausing in the right places to rub, pinch and twist. Clara was shaking as she supported herself against the rock.

  “Do you want me?” Tobin asked.

  “Mmmmm,” was all Clara could get out as his fingers did their magic. She could feel him on her thigh and it was driving her insane.

  “I can’t hear you. Do. You. Want. Me?” Tobin’s leg pushed hers into a wider, more open stance.

  “Oh, yes,” Clara cried. “Yes, I want you, Tobin.”

  With that, Tobin’s rough hand found its way to the space between her shoulders and pushed down hard, causing Clara to bend over almost completely. Tobin didn’t even
take her bottoms off, instead roughly pushing the fabric aside and thrusting himself into Clara.

  They gasped in unison, full of pleasure and relief. It had been so long since Clara had felt the sensation of a man inside of her, and she had forgotten how carnal and wonderful it could be. Tobin immediately began rocking himself back and forth at a fast pace, holding her hips tightly as he went.

  “Oh, fuck. Clara,” his voice strained.

  Clara began to whimper his name over and over as she held his hand in place. Tobin felt himself reaching his peak as Clara began to shake below him.

  “Clara,” was all he got out before a whole new level of pleasure washed over him, causing his knees to buckle. Immediately, he reached around to make sure Clara felt the same amount of pleasure he had just experienced. As she shuddered and twitched, Clara sunk to the ground bringing him with her.

  “Shit,” was all she said. Her chest was splotched and flushed and her eyes seemed a little out of focus. “Jesus, Tobin…”

  “I know,” was all he could get out. They laid there in silence for several minutes, catching their breath and trying to emerge from the fog of lovemaking. As Tobin became more aware of himself, the gravity of what he had just done hit him in the stomach.

  “Are you on any birth control?” he asked in a panic.

  Clara wasn’t looking too pleased with her life choices at the moment either.

  “Yeah, yeah,” she said, still breathless, as her hands name to a rest over her face. “Don’t worry.”

  “We shouldn’t have done that,” Tobin continued.

  “I know,” she mumbled. “You’re so young!”

  “What about Estelle?!?”

  “Estelle has barely spoken to me in over a month. We’re not in a good place right now.”

  “So that makes it okay to screw me?” Tobin’s voice started to rise.

  “You didn’t object, Tobin,” the flash in Clara’s eyes made Tobin stir again.

  “Don’t do that,” he yelled sitting up.

  “What,” she matched him in tone as she sat up as well. The way the sun lit her body and the passion in her eyes made Tobin’s lust impossible to hide. “Oh,” she said, suddenly focused on Tobin’s lap.

  “We really need to just go back,” Tobin said, exasperation saturating his voice.

  “Uh-huh,” she said as she began to lean down. Any talks about the morality of what they were doing would have to wait until they were done doing it.

  *****

  It was late the next morning that the phone call came to a still resting Clara about the first flock massacre.

  “Hullo,” she said groggily into the phone. She ached all over in the best possible way; the exhaustion from the day before still weighing heavily on her.

  “Clara?” It was Mike. “Did you just wake up?” he sounded disbelieving.

  “Oh,” Clara sat up and tried to sound more awake. “No, I just haven’t been sleeping well with Estelle gone and decided to take a mid-morning rest. I must have dozed off.”

  “No stranger to that,” Mike chortled. “Workin’ the land can be back breaking work.”

  “You’re telling me,” Clara blushed.

  “Well, I called to ask if you had heard ‘bout what happened at the Fredericks’ farm last night?”

  “No, what?” Clara didn’t particularly care. The Fredericks had not been the most welcoming family to her and Estelle. They were big on the one man, one woman view of things and Clara had done everything possible to avoid them for the last five years.

  “Well,” Mike started, “it seems as if a pack of wolves musta gotten into their pasture. They killed a load of their flock. Tore ‘em to shreds.”

  “Oh my God,” Clara looked immediately outside to see Tobin working calmly, unloading hay from the truck. She figured he probably would have different priorities if there had been any damage to their own herd of goats. “That’s awful,” she said.

  “Yeah, yeah. I just wanted to let you know so you can prepare if you need to.”

  “Thank you, Mike,” Clara said.

  “Me and some fellas from town are gonna go on a hunt tonight. See if we can find any of these rascals. Let Tobin know in case he would like to join - judging by the carnage these are some pretty violent beasts we’re dealing with.”

  “I’ll do that. Thank you again, Mike.”

  “No problem.”

  Clara hung up the phone and pulled the quilt back up around her. Approaching Tobin with anything seemed like a daunting task. After their tryst by the lake, the pair had walked silently back to the farm. They hadn’t even spoken as they parted.

  As she had gone about her evening once back at the house, Clara felt a multitude of conflicting feelings about her actions. On one hand she knew what she had done was wrong - she had effectively disrespected ten years of trust and love she and Estelle had built together. On the other hand, she couldn’t take Estelle’s sensitive ego any longer. She needed contact, she needed intimacy. Despite attempts at raising the issue, Estelle had found reasons consistently to avoid the conversation with excuses or just outright ignoring Clara’s words. If she was honest, Clara had been incredibly relieved when Estelle packed and left the morning before.

  Clara sighed and resigned herself that it was time to rise. Mike’s most unwelcome news meant the day would be busy with her and Tobin making sure that the farm was secure. Her stomach twisted at the thought of working in close contact with Tobin. As much as much as she had needed the day before, it would probably be best if it didn’t happen again.

  As she crossed to the bathroom, every step caused her to wince. Looking in the mirror she was relieved to see no visible signs from the previous day’s events. Clara thought she looked prettier than usual, brighter, with more color in her cheeks. Turning on the faucet, Clara splashed her face with a bit of cold water as goose bumps sprang up on her arms. As she patted her face dry there was a knock at the window.

  Tobin’s face was in the window as she approached. Clara was apprehensive, but decided to go with it as Tobin looked cheerful.

  “Um, hi there,” she said.

  “Hey, you gonna come out or not, lazy pants?”

  There was something off in Tobin’s tone. There was no awkwardness, no shyness or aversion as she had been expecting, but it was all artificial. It had to be - they had both been freaked out, hadn’t they? Was he just trying to pretend nothing happened? But, what could she do?

  “I don’t wanna hear it, ya show off. Bosses need rest, too.”

  Tobin’s smile was so bright that Clara felt herself shiver. “Just get out here and get some work done. That’s an order from your farmhand, woman.” He gave her a mock authoritative point and then turned to head back to his work with the hay.

  Clara felt some confusion at Tobin’s casual behavior, but also relief that things weren’t going to be strange or even acknowledged.

  Tobin had gone a little pale when she told him of the attack and resulting hunting party. He had politely declined Mike’s offer to join. “I’ve never really had the stomach for hunting,” Tobin had said to Clara, a sheepish grin on his face.

  For most of the afternoon, Tobin and Clara busied themselves carefully scanning fences and barn walls for any structural weaknesses on the farm that may put the goats at risk. Tobin also took the time to show off some gymnastic skills he had picked up from a stint as a stagehand for a traveling show.

  “You’re ridiculous, Tobin James,” Clara laughed as the spry young man held his entire body up with one arm, legs extended in front of him and childlike enthusiasm illuminating his face.

  “Hey, you’ll see, one day I’m gonna be in one of those Cirque du Soleil show things.” Becoming cocky, Tobin attempted to go into a handstand only to come crashing down on his back with a loud thud.

  “Oh my, God,” Clara tried to be concerned, but laughter still broke through. “Are you okay?”

  “I think I broke something,” Tobin’s voice was monotone as he stared straight u
p into the sky.

  “What?”

  “My dignity.”

  They both erupted into laughter as Clara reached down to grab his hand and pull him back onto his feet.

  “I got it,” he said, avoiding her touch. As he rose to continue checking the fence, Tobin gave her a stiff nod as if to finally acknowledge the awkwardness of their situation.

  “Are we ever going to talk about the fact we fucked yesterday,” Clara blurted out, surprising herself.

  Tobin stopped dead in his tracks, but didn’t look at her.

  “I’d rather just pretend we didn’t.”

  “Well. We did. So, what now?”

  Tobin’s hands came to a rest on his hips as he bit his lip and looked down at the ground. Clara got the distinct impression that he was wrestling with words just on the tip of his tongue. As if he couldn’t decide which option would be worse - let them free or keep them caged.

  “You can say it,” she said.

  “No, I can’t,” Tobin’s gaze found hers and Clara felt herself shiver, not with desire, but fear. His hazel eyes were burning with intensity that could be as easily interpreted as terror as it could be rage.

  “I really like you. And I really like Estelle and the life I have here,” he stopped to gather himself, tears in his eyes. “I don’t want to mess that up.”

  “I think not acknowledging what happened will just mess it up faster.”

  “Alright, fine,” Tobin threw his hands in the air. “We had sex. I’ve been really lonely for a long time. I find you attractive and we had sex, but I don’t want… it can’t happen again.”

  “Alright, well, I’ve been lonely, too. Estelle has been distant and doesn’t seem to want to work it out. I guess, it just felt nice to have someone want me.”

  Tobin’s face dropped at her words. “I’m sorry you’re going through that.”

  Clara became very interested at the space between her feet. “It’ll work out, I guess. She comes back tonight... hopefully Red Horse is still a publishing company when she walks in or we might be done.”