by Tonie Chacon
The cabin was empty. Megan and Alexandria must have been very quiet dressing and leaving this morning. Alice cleaned herself up, got dressed, and found her way to the Second Class dining room. She didn’t feel up to explaining her late rising to the Cheswicks.
Alice did truly love Frances, but only as a little sister. She wished Frances could see that and move on. She’d thought Megan might be the answer, but Frances had seemed almost oblivious to Megan’s charms. If Alice weren’t otherwise occupied, she might be drawn to Megan herself.
What to do about Emily? There were a few days left in the voyage, so Alice could keep taking Emily’s gifts and paying with her body. The hairpin Emily had given her last night was certainly stunning lying on Alice’s hair. Should she stay and play for the rest of the voyage, or should she slowly back away from Emily and, at the end of the voyage, say goodbye? Emily was fun, but Alice sensed she had a dark side lying ominously beneath the surface.
It might be awkward if the Cheswicks and the Westbrookes remained close, though. Perhaps she could go back to her family’s home in St. Louis and get a job. She could thank the Cheswicks for everything they had done for her, but she could explain that it was time to move on with her own life. They could sail away with Emily to Pennsylvania, and she would see them when they returned—without Emily. That would give Alice enough time to see if she could make it in America by herself. She could become a self-sufficient woman.
The thought was exciting, but frightening too. She wished she didn’t have to do it alone.
Oh, heavens. She would stop being at Emily’s beck and call, she would be less available to do things with her, and gradually their time alone together would diminish. By the time they reached New York, it would be nil. She should probably return the hairpin, too. In the meantime, she would spend more time with Frances and Megan, and she would by all means stop drinking. Every time it seemed she indulged, even a little, she ended up doing something crazy.
She liked this solution. She would be more in the company of Megan and Frances. It was a good course for her heart to follow. She would do what was right for her, and the future would take care of itself.
She sat absently stirring her tea, staring off into the Second Class dining room. She supposed she looked lonely, but the many women in her head kept her company.
“I thought I’d find you here, having a cuppa.”
Alice’s head jerked up. She was surprised to hear the voice that matched her thoughts.
“May I join you?” Megan asked.
“Yes, of course.” Alice was relieved at Megan’s friendliness. “I’m sorry I bit your head off this morning. I didn’t mean to. Where is Frances? You two seem to be inseparable lately.”
“I haven’t seen her this morning. I have been searching for you.”
“Why, to tell me how rude I was last night? Or to have me beg you for forgiveness for picking a fight with you? Either way I’m a cooked goose.”
Megan laughed. “Possibly a silly goose, but not a cooked one. I forgive you. Wasn’t much of a fight if you ask me. Next time tell me it’s a fight and I’ll be sure to participate. All right? Good.” Megan sat down and ordered a cup of coffee from the steward. She leaned close to Alice and said softly, “I have thought about it most of the night. Then I realized what bothered me most. It was the smell. You know everyone has their own scent, whether it’s put on by powder, oils, sprays, it is the way their own body smells fit into each other. That’s when I figured it out.”
Warily Alice asked, “Figured what out?”
“What your scent meant, when you came in. The way I see it, or in this case, smell it, either you borrowed Emily’s perfume or you have been very close to her in the past twenty-four hours. I can still smell her on you.” Megan breathed deeply in Alice’s direction. “Yes, it still lingers.”
Alice’s face burned with embarrassment.
“So does this mean you have been leaving Frances with me so you two could go out and find men to do dalliances with?” Megan asked. “Is that it? It leaves me speechless, I must say.” Megan sat back in her chair looking like she’d been clever to figure it out.
Alice stared. Was Megan truly as innocent as she seemed? Alice considered accepting the excuse Megan handed her. She could pretend she and Emily had been dallying with men and never let on that they were a different sort of woman. But Alice could have sworn Megan was one of them. Why else did Megan seek her out the way she had? For that matter, why else was Alice so drawn to her? Perhaps Megan was one of them, but she simply hadn’t realized it yet. Perhaps she just needed a little hint.
Alice decided it was worth the risk.
“There haven’t been any men, Megan. Just Emily.”
“Okay, now I am confused. You say no men, just Emily?”
It didn’t take long for Megan to figure it out. Alice could see it in the way her eyes widened and her jaw dropped.
“Does that mean what I think you’re trying to tell me? That you and Emily are, are what? Lovers? Oh my. That does make sense of my smell idea.”
“Now I’m somewhat confused myself,” Alice said. “You’re the one who approached me, after all, giving me that signal that you wanted to be special friends.”
“What signal? I don’t know about any special signal. All I did was ask to be your friend. What’s so wrong with that?”
“You asked me if I wanted a special relationship. In my circles...” Of course, Megan wasn’t part of her circles, Alice realized. Why would she know of their signals? “Well, nothing happened to let me know that’s what you wanted, and then Emily started paying me all this attention, and, oh, I don’t know. I’m having fun, and I’m not hurting anyone, yet. There is still a little of the voyage left. I’m sorry if my going off with Emily has hurt you. It doesn’t mean anything.” Alice gazed mournfully at Megan.
“My goodness. So, you and Emily, you and she, you and she have, umm, wow. I don’t know what to say.” Suddenly Megan sat straight up, as if startled by a thought. “Hey, what do you mean, you think I asked to have these things with you? I asked to be your friend. That’s all. Your friend.” Megan looked astonished. “Anyway, I don’t even know what a real kiss is. And as for those other things, I can only imagine.” She took a sip of coffee and dropped the cup back into the saucer. “And do you mean, if it weren’t for Emily, you would have wanted to do these things with me? Oh my. I need a minute.” Megan glanced about the dining hall where few people still lingered.
Alice had a feeling Megan was about to bolt. “Can we talk about this somewhere else?” Alice asked. “A more private setting perhaps? Let’s go back to our cabin so that we might be in a little more private arena and discuss this further, shall we?” Alice asked anxiously.
“Yes, splendid idea, let’s go back to our cabin where we can talk,” Megan said, repeating what Alice had just said.
Alice breathed a sigh of relief. At least Megan wasn’t afraid to be alone with her. She followed Megan from the dining room and down the corridor to their cabin. She was a little anxious about what might happen, but she followed anyway.
AM I ATTRACTED to Alice? Megan asked herself as she led Alice to their cabin. In that way? She did wonder why everything about this holiday surrounded Alice. Could it be? Now that she had seen what was possible between two women, well, not actually seen, but enough now to get an idea, Megan’s mind was whirling from one thought to another as she walked toward their cabin. She opened the door and was relieved that Alexandria was not there.
Alice shut the door behind them. Megan went to sit on her bunk, waiting. She wasn’t sure what to expect. Alice crossed the room to sit on her own bunk, opposite Megan.
Alice took a deep breath. “Okay, you may ask me three questions.” She seemed rather tense. “I know you probably have a million but let’s try to narrow it down to a small few that I can answer. Don’t be shy about your questions. If you’re curious, now is that time you have been waiting for. I am feeling brave enough to answer, but will you
be brave enough to ask the questions?”
“I don’t want to play twenty questions with you,” Megan said, “but I would like to ask about certain subjects. Can I have three topics, instead of three questions?”
“Hmm, yes, I guess that would work. An open discussion on an array of subjects. All right.” Alice sat back on her bed and seemed to relax a little. A smile came upon her face. Megan couldn’t take her eyes off Alice’s mouth. Her smile was perfect. “What’s the first subject?”
“Kissing,” Megan said.
“Kissing, that’s your number one subject you want to know about?” A small chuckle escaped from Alice.
“Well, I don’t know what a real kiss is,” Megan said. “With someone I love, I mean. Or even like for that matter. I’ve read about it, I just have never experienced it. All I have for reference is my Uncle Max and my Aunt Cissy. He had his tongue down my throat in two seconds gagging me each time I saw him, and my tight-lipped aunt kissed me so puckered up it was disgusting, like she didn’t want to kiss me at all. So I would like to know the difference. I like you and, you know. You know?”
“I think I do know.” Alice looked surprised, but not reluctant. “I’m sorry. Come over here.” She patted the spot on the bed next to her.
Megan came over, sat down beside Alice, and closed her eyes, not really knowing what to expect. Maybe she should open them. Her eyes popped open. Her palms started to sweat. Great, that’s all she needed now. Worrying about her hands, she didn’t think about what else was going to happen. Alice took her hands and leaned forward, capturing Megan’s lips in a slight kiss, lips barely touching each other. Alice drew back to check on Megan.
“How was that? Anything you liked or didn’t like? I can do it again only a little longer maybe?”
Megan brought her hand up to her lips. “They’re so soft. I would have never guessed that. So soft. Yes, please.”
As Alice leaned over to kiss Megan again, a knock came upon their door. Both backed up, startled at the noise. Megan scrambled off the bed over to the dresser with her back turned away from the door so whoever it was could not see her face. How red it must be from embarrassment of being caught doing something that wasn’t morally right, but felt perfect.
“Here you are,” Frances said. “Good, you’re both here. I’m glad to finally find you. Seems I kept missing you. Alice, why do you look funny?” Frances asked suspiciously. “Anyway, we have been invited to have our photographs taken and we each get a copy as gifts from Emily. I’m very excited. Megan, do you have a silk dress? I would loan you one, but I don’t think it would fit you. Alice is nearly your size. Perhaps one of hers? Alice, why don’t you wear that golden one that shows off your shoulders and your neckline so much? I have the most darling hairpin that will go with it.”
“My, that is news,” Alice said. “What time did you say? What shall I wear? That gold one? Really? What do you think Megan? Megan?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. What have you been saying? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Megan was still reeling from being kissed by a woman. She really, really liked it. How was she supposed to listen to these two jabber like parrots when her whole world had been shifted?
“A photograph of the four of us women that will be taken down at the photographer’s studio at two o’clock,” Frances said. “I’m sure you know where that is, don’t you?”
“Yes, I know where that’s located. But who is the fourth? And what shall I wear? I have nothing very suitable except my hat, which I love.”
“Emily’s the fourth, and I already told you to try one of Alice’s dresses,” Frances said. “I’ll help you pick one out. It will be fun. But first let’s get Alice ready. Then we will move on to you. Alice, go pull out the gold one, please.”
“All right,” Alice said. “I suppose I would like a memento of this voyage, to look back fondly on.” She glanced at Megan, and Megan blushed again.
Alice arose to open her trunk and pulled out a few items. A golden dress was laid down on the bunk.
“My peacock comb would go perfect with that dress. It sparkles when the light catches it just like your hair,” Frances said.
Alice is going to be stunning in that, Megan thought. Not for me, of course, but for Emily. Maybe a little for me. She could hope. Megan sat on her bunk trying to hide her sudden longing. Must she hide what she was feeling for this woman now that they had kissed? She wanted to do it again. But kissing would have to wait.
Chapter Fifteen
12 April 1912 — Afternoon
THE FOUR OF them met in front of the photographer’s studio, all looking their best. They did so want to look good for this remembrance of the maiden voyage of Titanic. Alice was stunning, Megan thought. Her gown flowed around her legs like she was floating on air when she walked. Megan couldn’t keep her eyes off her. Her light brown hair was swept up onto her head and held in place by a delicate comb that was shaped like a peacock’s tail. Each feather held a beautiful colored jewel that seemed to gather the light around her hair and send twinkles that cascaded around when she moved. She was so beautiful. Megan was in awe and was just realizing this fact. She turned, annoyed, as Frances started fussing with her gown.
“Just because you dressed me, don’t think that gives you permission to paw at me now. Do we have an understanding?”
“Yes,” Franny replied. “But I wasn’t pawing. You have a thread coming down your back and I wanted to get it off of you. That’s all, silly. You look wonderful. Wait ’til you see yourself in the portraits. You’ll see.”
Megan did feel beautiful in Alice’s gown. It was the most perfect blue she could have picked out. She loved the color of aqua and here she was surrounded by it. The fit was tight, but it was flattering. She was a bit larger than Alice, so her cleavage showed a little more. She could hardly wait to see what the camera caught.
The photographer came into the front parlor to welcome them. He walked over to Emily with a curious look on his face.
“Is there a problem, sir?” Emily inquired.
“No, no there isn’t one at all. I have seen the four of you on the promenade deck and had wished to do a photography session with you all, and here you come to me. I am honored.” He gave a slight bow. “Please, please, come follow me.” He hurried into another room. He was a funny little man with a huge moustache and a potbelly hanging over his pants. It was amazing how he could get around the studio as light footed as he was, but he did appear to enjoy his job.
He grabbed a straight back chair and set it down in the middle of a wide circle on the floor. He gestured to Emily to sit down and to the other three to gather around, with Alice directly behind Emily, Megan on the left, and Frances on the right.
“Now lean in just a little. That’s it. Don’t move.”
He struck a piece of flint onto a pile of dusty chips and counted to seven. He looked through his lens, made an adjustment, and poof! A light flashed and up raised a puff of blue smoke.
“My goodness.” Megan coughed. “Does that happen every time you take a picture? Is it dangerous?”
“You can’t take a photograph without the flash,” the man answered. “It’s not dangerous if you do it right.”
“What are those dusty pebbles?”
“Megan,” Alice laughed. “Leave the man alone. Let him do his job.”
“It’s magnesium oxide, miss. All right, this time let’s put all four of you in chairs and I’d like you to point your feet out toward me like a fan. Would you all kindly do that?”
“Is there an order you’d like us in?” Emily asked.
“Yes, good idea. All right, you stay there, and you move here, and you two trade places. There now, that’s delightful. All right then, bring your arms down your sides and clasp them together in your laps. There, perfect. Hold it there. No, your hands need something to hold. Flowers, yes, just let me go gather some up.” He ran across the room to a bouquet of assorted flowers, whisked them out of the vase, and went down the row of girls. H
e handed a few tulip stems and some greenery to Emily. To Alice, he gave a single red rose. He gave some daisies to Frances, and that left the purple lobelia for Megan. She brought the flowers to her nose and sniffed. No smell. They must be old. “All right then, steady. Squeeze your arms in tight and lean slightly forward. Good. Now hold still.” He lit the fuse with the striker again and counted. Poof!
“Madame,” he said, addressing Emily, “do you wish for some other shots, perhaps?”
“Yes, I would like a few more. One of the two of us.” Emily pointed to herself and Alice. “And one of the three of them together. Thank you, yes that would be lovely. We will all receive a copy, won’t we?”
“Most excellent then. Why don’t we have you both step over here.”
Megan couldn’t really blame Emily for wanting a photograph of herself alone with Alice. The photographer placed them in front of a large mural of an ocean view sunset.
“Why don’t you use the real thing?” Megan asked. “We could just go outside and see the same view almost. The sun is out and it’s still a nice day out there, so could we go outside?”
“No, no that would be disastrous,” the man said. “Direct sunlight is very hard to work in. There are too many shadows all over the place that move with each minute. Here, I can create my own mood and control the lighting. Here, I am a god. Please do not disturb anything and, if you can help yourself, don’t touch anything. You must abide by my rules. My cameras, my studio, my work. Comprende’?”
“Yes, sir,” Megan said. “I’m sorry. I always ask a lot of questions. I had no idea about the sunlight. I never really thought about it. I seem to get a little presumptuous at times. It’s one of my, ah, flaws that I’m trying to improve.” Megan rambled on but was cut off by Alice.
“Well, I think it’s adorable.” Alice smiled and her eyes had that twinkle to them.