Once everyone was seated, the zombie waiters handed every kid their own menu.
“For today’s special,” moaned the zombie waiters, “we highly recommend the brains. The brraaaaaainnnnns!” Sure enough, on the menu was a dish called shark-brains ravioli with sage and lemon. Most of the boys ordered that. The three Rachels ordered the steamed wild salmon with chili oil, ginger, baby bok choy, snap peas, and jasmine rice. Lindsey ordered the roast Maine lobster with potato purée, chanterelles, edamame, and tarragon. Benny Porter, the vampire kid, ordered the blood sausage with apples and baby squash.
The zombie waiters lurched into the kitchen and handed all the orders to the chef. The chef only had twenty minutes to prepare every meal for the hundreds of kids so they would have enough time to eat, play, and be back to class in an hour. Plus, the chef made everything to order so it would be at its freshest. Nothing was ever cold or stale. How was the chef able to accomplish this, you ask? Because the chef was a giant octopus named Sue.
At the end of each of Sue’s eight long arms was either a pot, a pan, a spatula, a mixer, a knife, a bowl, a measuring spoon, or a strainer. What made it all the more amazing was that she did all her cooking from inside a giant water tank with holes punched in the walls for her arms to fit through. Plus, there were wheels on the bottom of her tank so that she could move around wherever she needed to go.
The kids called her Sue the Amazing Octo-Chef. She had trained with the world’s scariest and best chefs, including WereWolfgang Puck, Mario Bat-Ali, and Scary Danko. Her philosophy was, “Fresh food makes for fresh minds.” All the fruits and vegetables she cooked with were grown right down the hill on the Scary School Farm. All the fish were caught fresh in nearby Gremlin River, and the meat was freshly hunted and caught by Scary School teachers. Everything was local, seasonal, and delicious.
At home, most of the kids wouldn’t touch the vegetables on their plates, but at Scary School, the veggies were so perfectly cooked that the kids gobbled up greens like they were candy. When the shark-brains ravioli came out, the boys were a bit disappointed that it didn’t taste stranger. The brains were very soft and mild-tasting; it was like eating marshmallow mushrooms. But the best part of lunch was dessert.
On this day, when everyone had cleared their plates and eaten all their vegetables, the zombies dragged out the biggest pumpkin anyone had ever seen. It was so big, you could probably fit every kid from Ms. Fang’s class inside it. The hall erupted with cheers when they saw it.
Sue the Amazing Octo-Chef wheeled herself out into the dining area. She held a microphone up to the tank and said, “Fall marks the start of pumpkin season, so using some special Scary School magic, we’ve grown the biggest pumpkin in history! I’m sure you are all familiar with the idea of catching your dinner, but have you ever had to catch your dessert?”
Everyone shook their heads and looked at one another with excitement.
“Well then,” continued Sue, “this is your chance. Jason, will you please do the honors.”
Jason climbed to the very top of the pumpkin. Using his chainsaw, he cut a big hole at the top, and he tugged on the stem with all his might until it popped off. There will be more about Jason soon.
All of sudden, hundreds of jack-o’-lanterns hopped out of the giant pumpkin and started bouncing all over the room.
“Catch a pumpkin to catch your dessert!” Sue exclaimed.
Every kid at Scary School jumped out of their seat and started running to try to catch the bouncing pumpkins. They were bounding all over the room like crazy balls, laughing through their jack-o’-lantern grins. The pumpkins were covered in pumpkin slime that made them very slippery and tough to hold on to. Whenever a kid grabbed one, it slipped right through their hands a second later.
“Come on!” exclaimed Sue. “Your strength and agility won’t help you in the Ghoul Games against all the monsters you’ll be facing. You’re going to have to learn to use your brains in order to win!”
For nearly the rest of lunchtime, nobody could figure out how to catch any of the pumpkins. They were just too slippery. Then, Charles Nukid had an idea.
He went back to his seat at the big empty table and sat down. Soon, a bouncing pumpkin landed right in his lap. He didn’t try to touch it or grab it. He just looked at the pumpkin, and the pumpkin looked back at him as he patted his head to make sure no hairs were out of place.
“Aren’t you going to try to catch me?” asked the pumpkin.
“No,” said Charles. “I know that your whole purpose in life is to be eaten, and I want to eat you for my nourishment. So, since we’re helping each other out, the least I can do is let you choose when you want to be eaten.”
“Thank you,” said the pumpkin. “I think now is a good time.”
The pumpkin popped off its top for Charles, and inside was a smooth, creamy pumpkin custard. Charles started eating the custard and he thought it was the best thing he had ever tasted.
Soon, everyone noticed that Charles was eating his pumpkin and said, “Look! The new kid caught a pumpkin! How did you do it?”
Charles told everyone how to catch a pumpkin, and the kids ran back to their seats and let the pumpkins come to them. Soon they were all enjoying their delicious pumpkin custard, and Charles became the new school hero.
After that lunch, everyone called him Charles instead of “new kid.” Charles thought it was weird that everyone suddenly started calling him by his first name instead of his last name, but he was happy to be called any name other than Toothpick.
Chapter Eleven
Monster Math
An hour after lunch, Ms. Fang said to her class, “I have a special surprise for you today.”
No one clapped because kids didn’t like surprises at Scary School. For instance, back when I was still alive, my friend Tim and I decided to eat lunch outside on a beautiful day. We sat down on a bench, but then a Petrified Pavilion gargoyle swooped down and snatched Tim’s roast beef sandwich right out of his hands. Tim chased the gargoyle trying to get it back, but he got too close to Petrified Pavilion and was snatched up by another gargoyle and became a roast beef lunch himself.
Tim was very surprised he had become a gargoyle’s lunch. The gargoyles were surprised to be having such a great meal. I wasn’t surprised at all because Tim was not very smart. But back to Ms. Fang’s class.
“Are you ready for your surprise, class?” Ms. Fang asked.
Everyone leaned back and shook their heads.
“Too bad. Here it is!”
Into the room walked the weirdest monster the class had ever seen. It was big and round, covered in pink fur, and had giant lobster claws. It had the head of a lion and the tail of a stingray. It also had a very cute, sparkly purse that Lindsey, Stephanie, and Maria noticed and liked.
“Class, this is Ms. Stingbottom. In honor of the Ghoul Games, there is a teacher exchange program, and she will be visiting here every Friday to teach you Monster Math.”
“Hellooooo,” Ms. Stingbottom said. Her voice had a silly, singsong quality. “I am soooo excited to be teaching human children the wonders of my species’s unique mathematical system. Awoo-Aloo!”
The class stared with blank faces.
“Awoo-Aloo,” Ms. Fang explained, “is a monster phrase that establishes trust. When a monster says it, you have to say it back exactly the same way, or it is a major insult and you’ll have to do battle.”
“Awoo-Aloo!” the class proclaimed. Ms. Stingbottom was so happy, she did a full backflip.
“My name is Ms. Stingbottom, not Stinkbottom, and if I hear any of you call me Stinkbottom, you can say good-bye to both your arms,” warned Ms. Stingbottom, snapping her lobster pincers. “And with no way to wipe your bottom, then we’ll see who the real Stinkbottom is, won’t we?”
The class laughed. That made Ms. Stingbottom happy, and she did another backflip.
Ms. Stingbottom continued, “Now that we have the serious stuff out of the way, let’s have fun and do some Monster Ma
th!”
The class groaned. No one except Johnny liked doing math.
“I know, I know,” said Ms. Stingbottom. “Math is boooring. But I think you’ll see that Monster Math is quite different. I’ll need a volunteer for the first problem.”
Johnny was the only one who raised his hand, and Ms. Stingbottom called him up to the front of the room. In case you don’t remember Johnny, he has a crush on Petunia, his friends are Ramon and Peter, and he has messy, light brown hair and one big freckle on the tip of his nose. He’s also a young Sasquatch, and hoped to become a Bigfoot, once his feet grew bigger.
“What’s your name, young man?”
“Johnny,” said Johnny.
“Okay, Johnny. What is five plus three?”
“Eight,” said Johnny, without a moment’s hesitation. The class applauded.
“Aaaahh!” shrieked Ms. Stingbottom. “Don’t you ever say that number to me again! Oh my goodness gracious. And how dare you all applaud him! He is wrong.”
The class gasped. Johnny had never gotten a math question wrong before.
“No, I’m not,” he said. “Look.” Johnny held up five fingers on one hand and three on the other and counted them, one through eight.
“I don’t care what your fingers tell you,” said Ms. Stingbottom. “Are you saying your fingers are smarter than me?”
“No, I just—”
“I say that five plus three equals nine hundred fifty-six,” said Ms. Stingbottom matter-of-factly. “What do you think of that?”
“I don’t think that’s right,” said Johnny.
“Well, I’m a big, scary monster, and I say that five plus three equals nine hundred fifty-six, and unless you tell me I’m right, I’m going to cut your nose off.”
“No! Not my nose!” pleaded Johnny. “It has my freckle on it!”
“Well then, what does five plus three equal?” asked Ms. Stingbottom, holding her pincer to Johnny’s nose.
Johnny gave in and reluctantly said, “Nine hundred fifty-six.”
“Very good!” proclaimed Ms. Stingbottom. “You just learned how to do Monster Math. You may have a seat.”
Johnny walked back to his desk, feeling defeated, as Ms. Stingbottom continued, “You see, there are a couple very simple principles to follow that can make anyone an expert at Monster Math. First: Monsters love big numbers. We hate small numbers. They actually scare us, as you saw before when Johnny said that dreadful little number. Second: When you’re doing Monster Math with a monster, the monster is always right. If you tell us a really big number, we will usually want an even bigger one, ’cause the bigger the number, the happier we become. Let’s try another problem, shall we?”
Next, Lindsey went up to the front of the room.
“What’s six plus nine?” Ms. Stingbottom asked.
“Six thousand eighty-two!” said Lindsey with glee.
“Oooh. Very close,” said Ms. Stingbottom, “but the correct answer is six thousand two hundred forty-four.”
“Of course; six thousand two hundred forty-four. You’re right,” said Lindsey.
That made Ms. Stingbottom extra happy, and she did a double backflip.
Next, Jason rushed up to the front of the room.
“Oh my, what a wonderfully scary-looking boy you are,” said Ms. Stingbottom, admiring Jason’s distorted face, which had suffered a few too many hockey pucks to the nose and jaw. “Here’s a tough one. What’s twenty minus seven?”
“Twelve million, five hundred thousand!” said Jason.
“That’s exactly right!” said Ms. Stingbottom. “I couldn’t have done better myself.” Then she bent way down and did a triple backflip, she was so happy.
“Awooooo-Alooooo!” she proclaimed.
“Awooooo-Alooooo!” the class happily shouted back.
“I think we have time for just one more,” said Ms. Stingbottom.
Wendy Crumkin, the smart girl with freckles, stepped to the front of the room.
“This is a tricky one,” said Ms. Stingbottom. “Pay close attention. What’s zero times zero?”
“Infinity,” said Wendy.
Ms. Stingbottom fainted.
Chapter Twelve
A Horrible Halloween
At regular schools, Halloween is the one day every year when everyone and everything is allowed to be scary.
At Scary School it’s the exact opposite. Because it’s always scary at Scary School, Halloween is the one day when absolutely nothing is scary.
Every teacher is as sweet as can be and isn’t allowed to tear off limbs, maim, or eat any of the kids. Dr. Dragonbreath even takes down his rules, and so Charles Nukid and Cindy Chan looked at each other for the first time during class. The gargoyles went on vacation, the Venus flytraps went to sleep, and Mrs. T put corks on her teeth.
This year on Halloween, Principal Headcrusher decided that every student should come to school dressed up in a Halloween costume for a costume contest. The winner’s prize would be a dragon-back ride with Dr. Dragonbreath as he flew above Goblin Hill on his daily patrol.
Every kid was scared to death of winning the costume contest. They were sure Dr. Dragonbreath would eat them during the ride, so nobody wore a costume on Halloween. The only two who came dressed up were Fred and Charles Nukid. Fred came dressed up as a dragon hunter. The kids were now certain that Fred had a death wish.
Charles Nukid came dressed as Dr. Dragonbreath’s Rule Number Five. He was sure he would have the scariest costume and was really hoping to win. Charles Nukid liked Dr. Dragonbreath because he was the only thing, man or beast, who liked rules as much as he did.
During Ms. Fang’s class, the kids were relishing their one day of guaranteed safety.
Jason took out his chainsaw and sawed everyone’s desks into kid-sized hockey sticks. The class played a game of hockey while Ms. Fang was trying to teach a lesson on fractions. At first she was furious that she couldn’t suck the blood of the students causing the commotion, but soon she realized that her lesson in fractions had been put to practical use since Jason had cut all the desks into perfectly proportioned hockey sticks. Satisfied with her remarkable teaching, Ms. Fang sat back at her desk and cheered the classroom hockey game.
At one point, Johnny stole Petunia’s hat and played keep-away with it. By stealing her hat, Johnny was trying to show Petunia that he liked her, but Petunia didn’t get it and got very angry. A hive of bees had been waiting patiently for Petunia’s hat to come off and swarmed the classroom. Johnny finally gave her hat back after everyone had gotten stung.
During lunch, Principal Headcrusher walked into the lunch hall to tell everyone to report to Petrified Pavilion for the results of the costume contest. To her surprise, the lunch hall was empty. All the kids were already at Petrified Pavilion, enjoying the freedom of sneaking inside without being eaten by a gargoyle.
Principal Headcrusher made her way up to Petrified Pavilion, stood on the stage and put her enormous hands to her mouth, which amplified her voice ten times louder than any microphone could. The kids in the front row would suffer minor to significant hearing loss.
“Before we get to the costume contest,” Principal Headcrusher proclaimed, “I have a very special surprise.”
Everyone groaned.
“The goblins that live on Goblin Hill have come all the way from across the street to perform a Halloween play for you. They’ve been working very hard on it for almost two days, so I expect you to give them your full attention.”
Curtains opened, and a gaggle of at least fifty goblins stormed the stage. They were very small, about two feet tall, with long pointy ears, sharp claws, and teeth that weren’t very scary, and big poufs of colorful hair. Some of the goblins were doing a strange dance, but some of them weren’t. They seemed pretty disorganized.
One of the goblins was wearing a red suit and had a big pouf of red hair. He stepped forward and said in a voice that was high and gravelly, as if he had just inhaled helium, “Good afternoon. I am your narrat
or. The goblins of Goblin Hill are pleased to present the famous tale of The Three Little Pigs!”
All the kids clapped because they liked this story.
The goblins cleared the stage in a mad dash so that the narrator was left alone to commence the action.
“Once upon a time,” said the goblin narrator in the red suit, “there were three little pigs.”
Three goblins crawled onto the stage wearing pig costumes with snouts and curly tails. The kids laughed and cheered.
The narrator continued. “Each little pig held an advanced degree in architecture, so each decided to build his own house.”
A group of goblins wearing yellow straw outfits rushed onto the stage and jumped on top of each others’ shoulders with amazing gymnastic ability. Working together, they formed the shape of a house around the first little pig, complete with chimneys, windows, and doors.
“The first little pig missed the day in class when they taught them not to build houses out of straw. So, he built his house out of grade C straw—the cheapest, flimsiest straw on the market. He was not a smart pig.
“The second little pig was a little bit smarter. He built his house out of twigs. Still not very smart, but definitely better than grade C straw.”
Another group of goblins wearing brown twig costumes rushed the stage and formed a twig house.
“The third little pig was the smartest. He built his house out of bricks.” And more goblins wearing red brick costumes jumped on each other’s shoulders and formed a brick house.
The narrator whispered in a scary tone, “Then, one day, a hungry wolf came into town.”
A goblin wearing a very strange wolf costume walked onto the stage, growling. It looked like the goblin actor had glued blades of grass all over himself to resemble fur.
The narrator continued, “The wolf slunk to the house made of straw. When the little pig refused to let him in, the wolf huffed, and puffed, and blew his house down!”
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