I don’t care how big those monsters are, he thought to himself. They’re not getting the puck past me.
As Jason was daydreaming, Peter hit a puck right past him for an easy goal.
The second thing Jason loves is his teacher, Ms. Fang. He thinks she is the most beautiful woman, human or vampire, ever to walk this Earth. Jason is one of the smartest kids in class, but sometimes he does poorly on his homework so that Ms. Fang will ask him to stay after class and give him an extra lesson. When he aces it on the second try, it makes Ms. Fang happy that she did such a good job teaching him, even though he secretly knew the answers already.
There was a precise moment when Jason fell for Ms. Fang. He had just finished playing hockey during lunch and rushed to class. If he walked in late, he knew Ms. Fang would bite his neck, and that would be the end of him. He made it to class just in time, but he was in such a hurry that he had forgotten to take off his goalie mask.
Ms. Fang pulled down an unmarked map.
“Okay, class,” she said, “who wants to come up to the map and name every country in Eastern Europe?”
Jason knew those countries by heart because he had traveled through Eastern Europe on vacation that summer. Jason’s hand flew up along with several other kids’—Wendy’s, Lefty’s, and Maria’s. This bothered Jason, and he tried to raise his hand extra high.
Ms. Fang scanned the room and was about to call on Jason. However, her brain had already reached the maximum number of names it could hold, and she couldn’t remember Jason’s name. So what she said instead was, “You. The handsome kid.”
Jason lowered his hand and was extremely disappointed. Then Fred poked him. “Jason, she means you.”
“Huh?” Jason had never been called handsome before and was not used to it. The years of hockey pucks flying at his face had disfigured him pretty badly. His nose looked like a walnut, and he had very few teeth to speak of.
Ms. Fang got frustrated and pointed her pointer at Jason. “I don’t have all day,” she bellowed. “Just because you’re the handsomest boy in class, don’t think you can waste everyone’s time.”
That was the moment.
Jason leaped out of his chair like a kangaroo, but his heart leaped even higher. She thinks I’m handsome! he thought to himself. Then, he put his hands to his face and felt the white goalie mask.
Oh no, he realized. I’m still wearing the goalie mask. He was about to pull it off, but then noticed Ms. Fang smile at him. His train of thought continued: She thinks the hockey mask is my face. That’s why she thinks I’m handsome.
Rather than being bothered by that, that made Jason feel happy. He thought, if it’s so easy to make myself handsome, I should have done this years ago!
Unfortunately, all this thinking to himself was being done while he was supposed to be naming all the countries in Eastern Europe, and he got completely flustered and mixed them all up. He didn’t get one of them right.
“Well, you have guts,” said Ms. Fang, “but stay after class so we can review this.”
Jason smiled, but of course nobody saw it.
Jason sat down with Ms. Fang after class and he still hadn’t stopped smiling.
“Now, pay attention,” Ms. Fang said. She named all the countries in Eastern Europe. As soon as she finished, Jason stepped forward and named them back just as perfectly.
“Wow! I really am a great teacher!” Ms. Fang proclaimed with a big smile. “And you get a gold star for the day.”
Jason was feeling fantastic. Maybe a little too fantastic, or he would never have had the confidence to say what he said next.
“Ms. Fang, can I ask you question?”
“Sure.”
“Will you marry me?”
Ms. Fang burst into laughter, which Jason found rather insulting.
“Don’t be silly. There’s no way I could marry you.”
“Why not?” Jason asked.
“For one thing, you’re human and I’m a vampire, and second, I’m eight hundred and fifty years old and you’re ten.”
“I’m almost eleven,” Jason said hopefully.
“Forget about it. You’re not at all the type of man I would marry.”
“What type of man is that?”
“Not a kid like you, that’s for sure. Is it too much to ask for a gentleman vampire who’s at least nine hundred years old and could afford to buy me a brand-new cherrywood coffin to sleep in? I sure hope someone like that comes soon, ’cause my old coffin has dry rot you wouldn’t believe. Now you get on home . . . um . . .”
“Jason. My name is Jason.”
Jason walked home and still kept his mask on. No one could see him crying.
Two weeks later was Jason’s eleventh birthday. He opened his present from his dad, and inside was a brand-new chainsaw.
Jason’s dad was a lumberjack and cut down the trees around their house and sold the wood to support the family. He was hoping Jason would take to it and join the family business.
Father and son went out together, and sure enough, Jason took to it. It took some practice, but in no time he was sawing down trees just as fast as his dad. Soon, he became the best chainsaw wielder anyone had ever seen. He even took it a step further and taught himself to carve wood as well as anyone ever has.
That winter, Jason skipped hockey practice on weekends so he could spend all his spare time working on a special tree he’d found. He still kept the goalie mask on and would for the rest of his life.
On February 14, Valentine’s Day morning, Ms. Fang woke up to find a brand-new, beautifully carved cherrywood coffin sitting on her doorstep.
There was no note.
Chapter Eighteen
Scary Garden
Following Valentine’s Day, Ms. Fang seemed to be getting much better sleep and thus was always in a much better mood. The class drew pictures of sunshine all over the boarded-up windows, which made the classroom feel bright and cheery.
When the first day of spring came on March 21, Ms. Fang asked for a volunteer to walk across the school yard to Scary Garden to pick a batch of spring flowers for the classroom.
Jason raised his hand immediately.
Ms. Fang said, “Thank you, Jason. Your chainsaw should be very useful in case something goes wrong there, but I would also like a girl with good taste in flowers to go. How about you, Lindsey?”
“Um, can’t you tell I just got a new haircut?” said Lindsey, rolling her eyes. “I’m not going outside where the wind will mess it up.”
“Sorry I asked. Petunia, how about you?”
“As long as I don’t have to pick any petunias,” said Petunia. “I hate petunias.”
“Yes, that fine. Now we have two. Anyone else?”
As soon as they saw Petunia was going, Johnny, Ramon, and Peter raised their hands.
“Okay, Johnny, why don’t you go? Since you’re the tallest, you can reach higher for flowers hanging off of trees.”
Peter quickly turned into Peter the Wolf and barked, “But I can jump ten feet in the air when I’m a wolf!”
“But if I choose you to go, Peter, you will have gotten your way and will turn back into regular Peter, and then you won’t be much use at all.”
Peter growled to himself and crossed his arms.
Ms. Fang continued, “I need one more girl to go in case something happens to Petunia.”
Frank (which is pronounced “Rachel”), Petunia’s only friend, raised her hand.
“Thank you, Frank,” said Ms. Fang. “That should be enough. To make it fun, whoever can make it back alive in under an hour gets a homework pass.”
The class groaned. If they had known they would get a homework pass, everyone would have volunteered, even if it meant risking their lives.
Jason, Petunia, Johnny, and Frank walked down the hallway toward the school yard. Scary Garden was at the end of the school yard behind a tall white fence that prevented the dangerous plants from attacking the students. There were holes in the fence that kids had to
watch out for, because sometimes a hungry plant would reach through the hole to snatch a good meal. But that didn’t happen too often.
As they walked down the hallway, Frank was skipping her invisible jump rope and counting out loud. “One thousand five hundred sixty-six, one thousand five hundred sixty-seven, one thousand five hundred sixty-eight . . .”
Johnny was walking next to Petunia.
“Don’t walk so close,” said Petunia to Johnny. “I don’t want to catch your fleas.”
“But I just had a flea bath last night,” said Johnny.
Jason groaned, “Frank! Will you please stop jumping rope? You’re going to distract us.”
“Whatever,” said Frank. “Unlike some, I’m actually practicing for the Ghoul Games. I don’t plan on being eaten.”
“Well, if you’re not careful, you’re going to get eaten right now,” said Jason. “Making it across the school yard at this hour is no guarantee.”
They stood at the back door together, looking out into the school yard. They all became nervous, like the moment before jumping out of a plane when skydiving.
“Well, let’s do this,” said Jason.
The four began walking across the school yard, which was eerily quiet without any kids running around. To their left was the playground equipment, which the goblins had spent the last three months rebuilding after their wrecking ball smashed everything on Halloween. To their right, they saw what looked like a house under construction. A third-grade girl named Jacqueline was on the roof hammering nails.
“What are you doing?” shouted Petunia.
“I’m building a haunted house for my brother, Derek the Ghost,” Jacqueline yelled back. “Right now he’s a homeless ghost with no place to haunt.”
“You’re lucky. I wish my brother were a ghost,” Jason replied.
The four students continued walking by the playground—one of the most fun areas of Scary School, but also one of the most deadly. There is going to be a lot more about it in the next book. Since the goblins had rebuilt the playground, the students of Scary School had the distinct feeling that the goblins were trying to get rid of them so they could expand their territory beyond Goblin Hill.
The foursome marched past the Monkey Bars of Doom, at least thirty feet high and suspended over a pool of bubbling hot lava. You do not want to lose your grip on those monkey bars. Next, they strolled past the possessed merry-go-round. If you’re brave enough to get on that thing, you better hold on tight, because the evil spirit that possesses it doesn’t like to be ridden. It will spin you so fast, you could go flying off it and land hundreds of feet away. And if that happens, you better pray you don’t land in the quicksand box or the snake pit or the crocodile farm or the well of a thousand screams or the . . . okay, you get the point.
Jason, Petunia, Frank, and Johnny deftly avoided all of the horrible traps of the school yard, but as they rounded past the sinister swing set, a chill ran up each of their spines. They were standing in front of Petrified Pavilion and had been spotted by the gargoyles perched atop the highest branches.
“Look at ’em!” said Gary the gargoyle. “They’re not supposed to be out of class. Let’s get ’em!”
“Argh, it doesn’t look like they’re coming into the pavilion, Gary,” said Larry the gargoyle.
“Who cares? They’re rule breakers anyway. I’m starving!” said Gary.
“I’m convinced,” said Larry. “Let’s go.”
Larry and Gary the gargoyles banked off the pavilion and swooped down toward the children. As soon as they jumped, their brothers, Harry and Barry, also jumped off the roof and followed behind them.
“Heads up!” yelled Johnny, pointing at the four gargoyles flying swiftly toward them.
Gary the gargoyle zoomed toward Jason. Jason turned on his chainsaw, and as Gary dove down to snatch him, Jason jumped up, and sliced the monstrous gargoyle in half with the chainsaw.
Larry zoomed toward Petunia, aiming to chomp off her head, but Petunia took her hat off, and a swarm of bees immediately flew in front of her and attacked Larry the gargoyle. Gargoyles are very allergic to bee stings, and Larry dropped dead on the spot.
Harry zoomed toward Frank, which is pronounced “Rachel.” Frank took her imaginary jump rope and swung it at Harry. The imaginary rope wrapped around Harry’s neck, and the gargoyle was strangled in midair and fell to the ground, dead.
Barry zoomed toward Johnny. Being a Sasquatch, Johnny was as strong as ten men and fierce as a lion. Barry was doomed from the start. Johnny grabbed the gargoyle by its scaly feet, spun around in circles, then hurled Barry up into the air like a Frisbee. He threw Barry so high, the poor gargoyle shot all the way into Earth’s upper atmosphere, where he immediately froze into ice. Then he plummeted back down and landed with a thunk on top of Petrified Pavilion. Since Barry was frozen stiff as stone, he had actually turned into a regular gargoyle statue. The four gargoyles learned the very important life lesson that when something seems too good to be true, it usually is.
When the rest of the gargoyles saw what had happened to Gary, Larry, Harry, and Barry, they did not attack the students because they didn’t want to suffer a similar fate. Instead, they dug graves with their claws, buried their brethren, then flew over the white fence into Scary Garden to gather flowers.
The gargoyles placed beautiful flowers on Gary’s, Larry’s, and Harry’s graves before flying back to the pavilion.
“Hey,” said Jason, looking at the graves, “check out these great flowers. If we take these back to Ms. Fang, we won’t have to go into Scary Garden after all.”
“Are you sure?” Petunia asked. “I really, really thought we were going to have a crazy adventure in Scary Garden.”
“Yeah, me, too,” said Johnny.
“I was sure of it,” said Frank.
“Listen,” said Jason, “we all thought we were going to go to Scary Garden, but why even bother? The gargoyles did the work for us.”
“I guess things don’t always go as planned,” said Petunia.
“Will we go there later?” asked Johnny.
“How should I know? Who am I, Derek the Ghost?” Jason answered sarcastically.
Jason, Petunia, Frank, and Johnny took the flowers and brought them back to Ms. Fang’s classroom. Ms. Fang was shocked that they had all made it back alive in less than ten minutes, and they all got homework passes. They were heroes for surviving Scary Garden.
None of them dared say what really happened.
Chapter Nineteen
Penny Possum
Penny Possum was the quietest girl in Ms. Fang’s class. She hadn’t said a word to anyone in over two years, and that was fine with her. She has short black hair and very large round eyes that give her extraordinary night vision.
Penny Possum has a unique way of surviving Scary School.
Whenever she’s in trouble, she drops to the floor and plays dead. That way, the angry teacher or monster just ignores her, and she lives to see another day.
She was so good at it, she decided that playing dead would be her game for the Ghoul Games.
Penny didn’t ever talk in class. Whenever Ms. Fang called on her, she would fall over and pretend to die so that she wouldn’t have to answer the question. The first few times, her parents had to come pick up her body, and then, to no one’s surprise, she’d be back in school the next day. After the first week, Ms. Fang stopped calling on her.
One day, Ms. Fang asked Penny to deliver a note to Dr. Dragonbreath.
Penny walked into the room and interrupted Dr. Dragonbreath’s lecture on the Dragon-Caveman Treaty of 30,000 BCE. Penny tried to hand him the note, but before she could, Dr. Dragonbreath said, “Before you speak, my dear, I would advise you to read the five rules on the board so that you don’t say the wrong thing, which might get you eaten.”
Penny didn’t plan on speaking, but she began reading the five rules anyway. Charles Nukid was waving at her, trying to warn her, but she didn’t heed his warning and read
Rule Number Five. She realized right away that she was in big trouble.
“I’m sorry, young girl. When you’re in my classroom, you have to follow all my rules,” said Dr. Dragonbreath, removing his glasses.
Dr. Dragonbreath’s wings burst out of his shirt and he flew toward her, but when he reached her, he saw that she was already dead on the floor. He couldn’t tell she was just pretending to be dead. Penny was even able to stop her heart from beating and make her body completely rigid so that it really appeared utterly lifeless.
“Oh my, the poor girl must have had a heart attack—I can’t eat her now because she’s not totally fresh. Dead humans are so chewy. Charles, will you please drag her out into the hall so she doesn’t smell up the room?”
“Yes, sir,” said Charles Nukid, and he dragged Penny out into the hallway. As soon as she was out the door, she took a deep breath and sprang up. Charles nearly passed out, he was so frightened, and he very quickly had to fix three hairs that sprang out of place. Penny put her finger to her lips, telling Charles to keep quiet.
“Okay,” said Charles, “I won’t tell.”
Penny handed Ms. Fang’s note to Charles, then ran off.
The next day, Penny gave Charles a piece of hard candy to thank him for trying to warn her about Rule Number Five. Since she didn’t speak when she gave it to him, Charles didn’t know what the candy was for, so he brought her a piece of candy the next day as a thank-you. Penny didn’t understand why he gave her the candy: she thought they were already even, so she brought him another candy the next day. Every day they gave each other a piece of candy, not sure exactly why they were doing it.
It was April Fool’s Day at Scary School. The Ghoul Games were a little over a month away.
Penny Possum overheard some of her classmates saying they were going to play an April Fool’s Day prank on “the new kid.” She knew they meant Charles Nukid. They were going to convince him to go into Mr. Spider-Eyes’s office, a place not many kids came out of alive if they were bad enough to get sent there.
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