by Lauren Dane
“Look where your behavior got me! I never lived in a single place longer than six months from the time I was three until I was fourteen years old. I was raped. I was beaten up. Not a single person but Mama Eula ever told me I was loved. How is that my place?”
“Reaching above yourself would only bring you heartache.”
“I ate heartache breakfast, lunch and dinner for years of my life. Years.”
“I didn’t know about your cousin. I didn’t know he’d hurt you. I just . . . Do you want to be like her? Like me?”
Raven scrubbed her hands over her face. “Like her how?”
“You ran off too.”
“I did, and by God, it was hard. It was lonely and hard. It’s been lonely and hard for a long time. But I got away and things did get better.”
“She never could take care of you. All she did was make you sad.”
“It wasn’t her fault! She’s mentally ill. Chemicals in her brain. What’s your excuse?”
Lorene stepped back like Raven had slapped her. “I never had any kids. I saw it with my aunt too. With my sister. With our momma. I think, when I was about seventeen and I had a burst appendix, they tied my tubes. It was for the best. So I couldn’t pass it on.”
None of this was what she’d expected.
“You’re telling me you were sterilized without your permission because mental illness runs in the family?”
“Your precious Mama Eula! She knew it could happen to me like it happened to your mom. So she agreed to have it done. She told me later it was for my own good.”
“How long, Lorene? How long are we going to keep secrets? No one should have done that to you. You were seventeen.”
“Couldn’t have afforded any babies no how. Never did find myself a decent husband. What did I have to offer any kid? Look what I did to you.”
“You didn’t have to! You could have taken me in. You didn’t have to tell me my mother had died. You didn’t have to tell her I’d died. I don’t understand. Why do you hate me so much? What have I ever done to make you all hate me so much?”
It was only Jonah’s arm around her shoulders that kept her from crying. That kept her from falling to her knees and weeping for all the lies, for all everyone had lost, and for what?
“I don’t hate you, child. I never did. You was a beautiful little girl. Smart. But that sort of thing gets a woman picked on in our world. Toughening you up was a favor. Can’t you see that? You get to be eighteen and you’re a tough old bitch and you won’t get beaten up by life. You won’t get pregnant at fourteen like your momma did. This is a hard life we got here. Pretty girls don’t last long. I did what I knew to do.
“I told your momma you was dead for the same reason. She’d done enough damage to you. She needed to let go and stop messin’ up your life. I knew she wouldn’t unless she thought she had nothing to go back to. I talked to Mama Eula and she agreed.”
Raven gripped her stomach. “Mama Eula knew? She knew my mother was alive? Knew you’d told her I had died?”
Lorene’s laugh was rueful. “I hate to go burstin’ your bubble, girl, but where did you think we got to be the way we are now? She mighta softened up some in her later years, but your great-grandma was just as nasty as your grandmama was. Our women ain’t no good. Not a one of us.”
“I’m good. Did any of you ever stop to think about that? About how maybe I could have broken that cycle and made things better for all of us?”
“I’m sorry. I really truly am. I did all I knew how to do.”
Raven stepped back on the creaky old porch. She had no words left, so she turned after pulling all the cash she had on her out of her pocket and placing it on a nearby chair.
“I don’t need your charity!”
“Yes, you do. Take it.”
She walked away, knowing she’d never be back again.
24
She walked back into the shop and everyone looked up, smiling at the sight of her. She didn’t quite know what to do with it so she ignored it, waving and pretending it was any other day.
“Back to work, losers.” She turned back to Maggie, who was the appointment book mistress. “What’s on my schedule today?”
“I didn’t know you were back today. Everything okay?”
“If you figure out the answer to that one, let me know. However, I’m good to ink some people up.”
“All righty then. You’re wide open, schedule wise. You can take walk-ins if you like. Been pretty quiet though.”
“I know I told you not to come back until tomorrow.” Brody approached and gave her a hug. “It’s good to see you.”
“Good to be seen, my man. I was bored at home. I’ve been in a hotel room for a week. I needed to get out.”
“Where’s Jonah?”
“Off rattling people and being bossy with the law, I wager. He had a week off and all his control-freaky ways got backed up.”
“That doesn’t sound like a complaint.”
“Yes, well. He’s all right. Enough mushy stuff. I’m back and I figured you might need some help around here.”
“Which is good because I am starving and was just about to escape for lunch.” Erin walked up to her and gave her a hug. “You’re back. And you didn’t tell me. I would frown at you, but you were gone for a week so my frowning muscles are all out of practice.”
Seeing Erin filled Raven with joy. She smiled. “Pizza?”
“Yes, that’ll do nicely.”
“All right, well, I’m back and now I’m going out for a two-hour lunch.”
Brody snorted. “Good. You have appointments. Tomorrow. I want to catch up though.”
She nodded. “We will. Thank you, Brody.”
He tipped his chin. “Any time.”
Funny thing was, she knew he was telling the truth.
They headed off to Zeek’s, a local favorite. Once they’d ordered and gotten settled, Erin’s expression turned serious.
“So?”
“I don’t know if I can even answer that. My mother . . . well, she’s messed up. Her physical health is worse than her mental health. I want her here, but she’s better off there. All her internal organs are crap from the meds and from her alcohol abuse to self-medicate. She has doctors she trusts there. She’s hooked into a system that can help her.”
Raven sighed. “My coming to visit her was good and all, but it upset her too on many levels.” She blew out a breath. “She feels guilty when she’s lucid. I don’t want that. You know? It’s too late for that. She did what she did and it sucked, but it’s not like she did it on purpose. So guilt is wasted. I tried to talk with her about that and I think she might forgive herself someday. But I don’t know how many somedays she has left.”
She sipped her soda, the sugary caffeine helping a little.
“And I feel guilty too. I wasn’t there all these years. Having me probably made things worse for her. I don’t know what to do. I can’t walk away. I can’t bring her here. I feel like I should move there.”
“For what? I get it, she’s your mother and if you were close and if you could help her, then I could understand it. But your life is here. You just put down roots here. I don’t want you to go. I know that’s selfish. But I love you. You’re my best friend and you’re finally here to be with me and my kid and damn it.” Erin tried not to cry, and it made Raven feel so much better.
“I’m terrible for wanting to stay here. But I do.”
“No, you’re not. Don’t you dare feel guilty for finally building a life! You’ll visit her often. As often as you can without upsetting her schedule.”
“It’s like five and half hours if I can keep the connections close. That means I can visit her once every few weeks. Jonah said he’d come with me as often as I liked if we did it over a weekend.” She shrugged. “I want to do the right thing, Erin.”
“Oh, sweetie, you are. Don’t you see that? Just at least see how things go over the next few months. See how she adjusts. See how you adjust. You deser
ve some good mental health for a change too.”
“Maybe.”
“I’m glad Jonah was there.”
Raven looked to Erin. “He saved me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much his being there just made it easier, better. I could take that next step. Open that next door. He managed me like the bossy guy he is, but he also protected me. Let me work shit out on my own when I needed to. He’s changed everything. I never thought . . . ever that there’d be what he is to me.”
Erin smiled. “Yeah. I so totally understand.”
“He’s so good to me. He leaves me alone when I need it and when I don’t, well, he’s all up in my face, poking around, making me confront stuff. Aggravating but . . . he gets me. He doesn’t judge me. I never anticipated him. He was awesome with all the medical stuff. He did all this research about the system. It’s so complicated and if I take her out of the place there, she loses so much. I don’t want that. But I wouldn’t have known really, not if he hadn’t done all the heavy lifting.”
“No one’s ever done it for you before, have they? I mean, I had Brody and Adrian before Todd and Ben. I had help, but for so very long I was on my own and I did my heavy lifting. I needed to, to get through stuff. But sometimes when I feel like this stuff will never end and my arms are so tired, well, Todd or Ben come in and take over. They make it all right. Alexander is growing up with them as examples of what it means to be a man. I’m so lucky for that.”
“I never had a lot of men around, you know? The ones I did were assholes. Or so distant and distracted they weren’t really a factor. My mother never had boyfriends and the ones my other relatives had were utter cockbags. And then Brody of course, and I knew there were guys out there who were good. But he wasn’t mine. He was never mine. Jonah is mine. More than that? I’m his. I’ve never belonged to anyone before. I’m not a burden. Or a responsibility. I never knew I could feel this way.”
She dabbed her eyes quickly. “Also, I cry a lot lately. Just warning you. They say it’s because I’m dealing with all this stuff at once after pushing it aside for so long. Her doctor—my mom’s doctor, I mean—he gave me a few names of people up here who have specialty practices. You know with people who have dealt with what I have. I may call one of them.”
Erin reached out to squeeze her hand. “Do whatever you need to do. You are surrounded by people who love you and will help however they can. I’m so happy to see you like this. Vulnerable. Not hiding it, but accepting it. This shit you’ve endured hurts and you can admit it. It’s odd to say that makes me happy, but you know what I mean. What happened with your aunt?”
Raven told her about the visit.
Erin sat back in her seat, eyes wide. “I’m astounded.”
“You and me both. I don’t know what to think. I’m still angry, but she’s a victim too. Clearly I have mental health issues in my DNA and that freaks me out too. But the doctors were pretty good about talking to me regarding risk factors. Her doctor told me I was the most all-right person he’d met who dealt with all the stuff I had. Of course he’s surrounded by mental patients, so.”
“It runs in families, right?”
Raven nodded. “Yeah. The risk factor is right about one percent. If one parent has it, your risk goes up to about six percent. I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll end up like her.”
“But you haven’t. I did some research while you were gone. You know, so I could understand. It says most people have onset of symptoms in their late teens or early twenties. You’re an old hag. Knocking on forty.”
Raven took a deep breath, relaxing a little more. “Yes. That’s true. They have this screening test thing. I mean they can’t do a blood test or anything, but there are warning signs. I’m a crazy bitch, but not like that, they don’t think. Anyway. Jonah is gently pushing me to see someone. Just to talk it through. He’s probably right. He usually is. Hell, this schizophrenia thing is at the bottom of my worry list at this point. All this stuff with my family, with my past . . .”
She began to eat once the pizza arrived.
“I used to have it all in my head. Who I blamed. Who was right, who was wrong. But that’s all jumbled up now. My great-grandmother, who was this rock to me, well, she’s not so pure now. And what, if anything, does that mean? My aunt isn’t a villain, or rather she is, but not solely. I don’t know. I don’t know if I ever will. And I have to figure out if I can be all right with never knowing.”
“Jesus. You never do anything halfway, do you?”
“Poor Jonah, he thought he was getting a hot chick in bed and he got all this extra shit. It’s a good thing I’m so genteel and fascinating.”
Erin giggled. “He’s a lucky man, either way. Well, Beautiful Raven-Haired Baby Girl, I’m glad you’re home.”
“I never really had a home until now. I’m glad to be back too.”
25
She’d put her hair up so the earrings he’d given her sparkled in the light. Her collar necklace accented the neckline of the dress she wore and filled him with heat every time he looked at it.
Christmas had arrived and they were at his parents’ annual mixer. People he’d known most of his life moved around the house, glasses in hand, smiles on their faces. Toby stood in front of her, grinning as she tried to appear stern but failed. Jonah had been pretty happy about how his family had taken to Raven and she to them.
Carrie moved to Raven’s side and Raven turned a big smile her way. His women there together. Raven might have been off-putting and socially awkward in some situations, but she was good to his daughter. Kind.
Perhaps it was that her own mother had failed so terribly and she saw some of herself in Carrie. Perhaps it was that Carrie belonged to Jonah so she extended that caring because of that connection. But regardless, though she was still totally unique in the way she dealt with Carrie, his daughter had taken to Raven. She’d even suggested Jonah ask Raven to move in.
They’d come a long way since that first meeting. In the weeks since they’d returned from Oklahoma City they’d gotten a great deal closer. Raven trusted him enough to lean on him when she needed to. He kept finding out things about her that made him love her even more.
She slept in his bed now without hesitation, though it had been rocky the first few times. There were nightmares from time to time but she didn’t speak of them. He simply put his arms around her, letting her snuggle back against him and fall back to sleep.
He was totally and utterly satisfied with his life and ass over teakettle in love with the funky, bitchy, inked-up gorgeous dame across the room.
One of the waitstaff approached him quietly. “There’s someone at the door asking for you. They weren’t on the guest list.”
“Thank you.” He headed toward the front entry to find Charlotte standing there. “What are you doing here?”
She once had belonged there. Had been welcomed by his family. Her beauty turned heads. Still did, he’d wager. She was pale and fragile and knew exactly what to wear to accentuate it. But she left him cold and had worn out that welcome years before.
“Carrie told me you were seeing someone.”
He shook his head, trying to figure her out. “What?”
“Carrie told me you were serious about someone. She said you were in love.”
“As it happens, I am. But that doesn’t answer the question of why you’re here.”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Raven came into the entry. For all Charlotte’s regal, fragile femininity, Raven was all fire and sensuality. And, he could easily see, some anger.
He put an arm around her waist, partly because he loved to touch her and partly to keep her away from Charlotte.
Charlotte curled her lip. “This? Jonah, she’s your midlife crisis. I’m the mother of your child.”
Then it hit him and he barked a laugh. “Are you shitting me?” He looked to Raven. “Gorgeous, I had no idea.”
“Hm.”
He kissed her, still laughing.
“Jonah, you’re her ATM.
Your daughter is nearly eighteen. Her ability to control you through Carrie will be lessened then. She’s here to play the understanding and yet wounded woman. Jeez, how can you be so smart about everything but not have seen this a mile away?”
Raven then focused on Charlotte, losing the amused smile she’d had for Jonah. “You don’t deserve that girl. How dare you come here and try to put her in the middle? What kind of person are you?”
“Oh please. You think you’re just going to walk into my life?”
Raven snorted. “As if I’d want it? I have my own life. You have your life and it sucks. My life on the other hand includes Jonah. I should feel sorry for you that you only see Jonah’s worth in his wallet. Frankly the other side of his pants has a lot more appeal.”
Jonah guffawed a moment and tried to be serious again. It made Raven feel even stronger about her point. “Now, you need to go before Carrie hears you’re here and you upset her.”
“Don’t you tell me how to be a mother.”
“I’m telling you how to be a human being. You already failed at mothering.”
“Charlotte, I really don’t know what you thought you’d gain here. I’m not interested. You’re not interested. This is insulting to both of us. You need to go now. You weren’t invited. Carrie tells me you informed her you were in Gstaad for the rest of the year anyway.”
“I’m staying with my parents for a few days. You can’t stop me from seeing my daughter.”
“Jonah, Raven, people are asking for you.” Liesl came into the room and Charlotte took a step back.
Jonah turned, holding an arm out for Raven. She patted him.
“Just a moment. Charlotte, I’d like a word. Outside.”
Liesl gave him a glare when he began to argue.
He looked nervous, but he sighed and clearly gave in. “I’ll be here waiting. Don’t get the police called out on such a cold night.” He kissed her cheek and then put his suit jacket on her shoulders.
“I’ll try not to ruin your clothes.” Raven opened the front door and turned her attention to Charlotte. “It’s me or her.” She jerked her head in Liesl’s direction.