“You made that clear already.” I picked a t-shirt off the floor and collected the family picture and my chapstick from my bedside table. “That’s why I’m leaving.”
“The hell you are.” She flung the suitcase on my cot. “You owe us. We’ve given up a lot for you, and we expect something in return. It’s time to toughen up; it’s been over two months since—”
I didn’t want to hear what she was going to say. “What was I supposed to do?”
“How about tell them to go to hell and mean it? The same thing you should’ve done with Logan Westfield.”
“What has he got to do with any of this?” My voice cracked. We hadn’t talked about him since that night.
“Everything, don’t you see? It’s the same thing, just different faces. I knew that cocky son of a bitch was trouble the minute I laid eyes on him—same with those guys upstairs. You have to be able to recognize trouble the second it walks through the door. You don’t just run away or lie down and wait for it to kick you around. Trouble will just keep finding its way back to you until you slam the door in its face!”
“How was I supposed to know?”
“Couldn’t you feel it, River? Be honest with yourself. Couldn’t you feel it?”
I threw my arms out. “I can’t feel anything anymore! I’ve never even cried about that night. I killed my own boyfriend, but I can’t feel anything!”
“Logan got what he deserved,” she hissed through clenched teeth.
Her words shocked me. “Nobody deserves to be shot and left like a dead animal!”
She glared at me with her fierce green cat eyes. “He did. And I’m not sorry he’s dead, only that I wasn’t the one who pulled the trigger.”
“What?” I whispered.
“It’s sink or swim, River!” she said, throwing her hands up. Her platinum blonde wig bounced with every step as she headed for the door. She extended her hand to the knob, then turned back over her shoulder. “Just know if you sink, you’re taking both of us down with you.” The door shuddered behind her.
I choked back a scream before I walked over and smacked the happy Jamaican guy across the room. Annihilation felt good.
Three deep breaths. Fine, I would wait on those jerks—finish my shift. Three deep breaths. Fine, I’d do as I was told. For tonight. I stalked out the door, up the stairs, and back to the bachelor party.
One of them started in on me right away. “Hey, where’s my Sex…on the Beasshh?” he slurred while trying to look seductive. He looked like a drunk gerbil instead.
I gave him a bitchy no-teeth smile. “You ladies came to the wrong bar for that. We serve wells, calls, and beer—nothin’ frilly.”
Hairy Gerbil wasn’t fast enough to have a worthy comeback, so he settled for ordering another round of beer instead. Before I went to fill his order, I gathered empty beer bottles off the table. He put his hand on my wrist to stop me and with complete seriousness said, “Just take the empty ones.”
Staring at the hairy hand on my wrist, I lifted my head slowly to meet his eyes. “Good idea,” I said in my best eat-shit voice. Then I flicked his tiny paw away. I despised being touched—it made me want to take a bath in Lysol and scrub my skin raw with a Brillo pad.
Before the drunken rodent had a chance to warn his friends of imminent danger, one of his buddies started in. “Hey, beautiful, what’s your name?”
“Go to hell,” I spat and watched his jaw snap shut.
Flopping my tray down on the bar beside Billi Jo and Kat, I said, “I know you guys can see I’m slammed. A little help would be nice.”
“Time to put the big girl panties on,” Kat looked me in the eye, then walked off.
I turned to Billi Jo.
“Uh, in case you hadn’t noticed, we’re all slammed. Besides, I’m just the lowly busboy-girl.” She took her bus tub and walked away.
Kat had already talked to Billi Jo—it was two against one. Charlie shrugged his shoulders at me as he filled my tray with drinks. Three against one. I swung my heavy tray over my head, balancing with one arm, and navigated through the crowd.
I made it back to deliver the drinks to Hairy Gerbil and company when The Hulk came up behind me and grabbed my ass. “Thanks, doll,” he slurred and reached a clumsy hand over my head to grab a beer from my tray. As he did, he stumbled into me. The drinks shifted and wobbled, and I tried to move with them. It was too late. Alcohol sloshed down my arms, head, and soaked my shirt. I couldn’t stop the landslide of full drinks and beer bottles as they collided and slid off my tray like dominoes.
Before everything smashed to the floor, I lowered my tray and its remaining contents and shoved it into the Hulk’s chest. “You asshole!” I yelled.
He extended his arms to his sides and examined his wet shirt. His eyebrows furrowed and the lines around his mouth were tight, but when he realized I was in worse shape, his face softened. With a smirky grin, he grabbed a stack of napkins off the table and took a swipe at my shirt.
That was the moment any rational thought process left me. Without a second thought, I hauled off and punched him in the mouth as hard as I could. And it was worth every bit of the pain.
“You don’t touch me! You don’t touch anyone, you stupid son of a bitch!” I pointed my finger in his face as I stood there soaking wet in a sea of alcohol and broken glass. “Didn’t anyone ever teach you about respect?”
Wiping his bloody lip with the back of his hand, he half-laughed. “You need to get me another beer, you crazy bitch.”
“Your beer is right there,” I pointed to the floor, “and believe me, you haven’t seen crazy yet!”
He looked at his friends for team support, but most of them looked away. Suddenly, things weren’t so funny anymore. “Then I’ll go to the bar and get one myself.”
“You’ll have to go through me first!” To my own surprise, I positioned myself between him and the bar like any respectable five-hundred-pound bar-brawling sumo wrestler would. If he dared to take one step past me, there would be a fight. And somehow, this fight I’d win on sheer will alone.
His smarter friends pulled at him to leave when Charlie strolled up beside me. “This little gal givin’ you boys trouble?”
I glared at him. “It’s about time.”
“You looked like you were gettin’ along just fine.” He smirked.
My friends walked up behind us, and I huffed. “Thanks for helping me out, you guys.”
“This was your fight,” said Billi Jo.
“Oh, you too, huh? First her,” I pointed to Kat, “now you.”
“I just meant you needed to handle this yourself.” Billi Jo’s tone was firm and cold—out of character. “We all agreed.”
“I guess I did handle it, didn’t I? No thanks to any of you.”
Charlie put his hand on my elbow and pointed me toward the back door. “I think you need to cool down before you say things you might regret.”
“Fine, let’s all save the mental case from herself!” I made a detour to the bar and was reaching in the cooler for a beer when I heard Charlie say, “I think you boys better get outta here before you get hurt.”
I set the beer down on the bar and turned around. Charlie stood before them with his arms folded across his chest and a cigarette molded between his fingers.
“Yeah, who’s gonna hurt us old man, you and these girls?” The un-Incredible Hulk laughed as he swiped at the blood on his lip again. I’d done a little damage, but by the sound of it, he was ready for round two.
Charlie took a long draw off his cigarette. “Looks like she’s already got a pretty good start.”
“Well, I’d like to see who’s gonna finish it,” he slurred with a lethal combination of cockiness, intoxication, and stupidity. Most of his buddies had sense enough to try and get him to shut up, but a couple of them tried to play it cool and go along with him.
Charlie chuckled lightly, took one last drag off his cigarette, and calmly put it out in the ashtray on the table beside him. Then,
quicker than I’d ever seen anybody move in my whole life, he grabbed The Hulk’s arm, twisted it behind his back, and slammed his face down on the wet table.
“What did you say?” Charlie said through gritted teeth while keeping a firm grip on his arm.
“Nothing,” he groaned.
Charlie motioned his head for me to come closer. “Now, I think you owe the nice lady an apology.”
“Sorry,” he grunted toward me while his face was still mushed against the wet table. Charlie tightened his grip. “I’m…sor…sorry, ma’am.”
Charlie let him get back up but still kept hold of him as he shoved him toward the exit. “Now get outta here. I better not ever see you boys in here again. You hear me?”
“Yes, sir,” they answered in unison and headed for the door.
“Wait,” I said, and shoved their bar tab receipt, credit card, and a pen at Hairy Gerbil. “You need to sign this.”
“I’d give her a good tip if I were you,” Charlie advised as he eyed The Hulk’s busted lip and tried to contain a snicker. Gerbil scribbled the information, then shot out of there behind the rest of them. The tip was generous but not worth putting up with those idiots.
After turning in my apron and money, I grabbed two cold beers and disappeared to the back parking lot. I slumped down on the ledge of a concrete barrier and lay back. Trying to block out the lights and noise, I gazed up at the smoky dark sky and concentrated on what should have been the simple task of counting stars. Thanks to the pollution, I barely found any.
“Las Vegas sucks!” I yelled at the eight wimpy stars that dangled above me.
Even though I was surrounded by everything busy, I still felt empty. Like the same little speck in this big world.
A small, insignificant nothing—still lost in the middle of nowhere.
16
SIGNS
I could no longer ignore the fact that my friends regretted getting in this mess with me. And I couldn’t blame them. Kat said I brought this all on myself when I started dating Logan. But that wasn’t true at all. Was it?
As I lay there, flashes of the past came rushing toward me. All those times with Logan when I’d felt uncomfortable, or reckless, or maybe even a little scared. All those times I disappointed my friends by choosing Logan over them. All those times Kat and Justice had confronted me: questions and accusations on their part, half-truths and blatant lies on mine.
The memories kept coming, refusing to let me push them away. They were all painful to revisit, but none hurt as much as the ones that involved Justice. I remembered his seriousness when he asked me not to sell my soul to the devil, the look on his face when I walked away with Logan after the graduation ceremony, and again when I left the field party with Logan—all haunting.
I thought further back to the first time my dating Logan had become an issue between Justice and me. It was the first time Justice had voiced his concern that something was off in my relationship with Logan…
I’d been dating Logan about two months at the time, and I was just getting off work at Barney’s Diner when Justice pulled up in his old black Chevy Silverado. With a wide smile, he hopped out of his truck and strode over to mine, looking especially handsome in a plain white t-shirt that hugged his tan biceps, jeans, and cowboy boots.
“Hey, I thought I’d stop by and see if you wanted to go ridin’ today.”
“Oh, Justice, I’d love to.” I scanned the parking lot for Logan’s red Mustang—he had a habit of showing up places. He said he liked to surprise me. What he meant was that he liked to check up on me. “But I can’t.”
“Why not? You’re just gettin’ off work, it’s a beautiful spring day…” He held his palms up and looked at the sky. “And I think Ranger’s been missin’ you.”
Guilt tugged at me. I’d been missing my horse, too, but Ranger wasn’t the only one I’d been missing. I wanted nothing more than to go on a trail ride with Justice. But Logan had trust issues, and every time I mentioned doing something with Justice, Logan conveniently found something else for us to do.
“As you can see, I’m not exactly dressed for the occasion.” Looking down, I pulled at my blue polyester dress uniform. “This thing is hideous.”
“I think it looks kinda cute on ya.” His eyes scanned me, causing my heart to pick up an irregular beat. I’d known Justice since we were kids, and he’d never used the word cute when referring to me. When I looked up at him, the pink tint of his cheeks told me he didn’t mean to say it—at least not out loud.
My mouth dried out, and I struggled to swallow. “Um…I need to get Jack’s truck back to him anyway.”
“No problem. I’ll follow you to your house so you can drop the truck off, you can change, and then we’ll go to my place.”
I would have to change tactics. Rubbing my forehead, I let my voice sound as exhausted as I really was. “Look, I’m pretty tired. I had a late night—”
“Never stopped you from goin’ on a trail ride,” he teased.
“Well, I didn’t get home until four this morning, and I had to be at work at seven.” I covered my hand over a yawn.
His dimple faded, and his eyes became hooded. “What the hell is he doin’ keepin’ you out until four in the mornin’?” Justice snapped, startling me with his out-of-character snap reaction.
I immediately went into defense mode. “Who says he kept me anywhere? And besides, I don’t really think that’s any of your business.”
“Well, maybe it should be.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’re being irresponsible, and maybe somebody needs to look out for you. He sure isn’t, and you certainly don’t seem very capable lately.”
“Are you tryin’ to be my father?” I asked, climbing into Jack’s truck. “I’ve never really had one of those, ya know. And I certainly don’t need one now!” I slammed the door on the word now.
Biting his bottom lip, he held onto my truck where the window was rolled down.
Even though his accusation bothered me, it was Justice, and we didn’t fight. Forcing myself to speak calmly, I said, “Is this about me staying out late or having a boyfriend or what?”
“It’s who your boyfriend is that bothers me.” His tone was annoyingly matter-of-fact.
“You don’t even know him.”
“I know that since you’ve been datin’ him, things are different. You never go out with your friends anymore. You don’t come around. You’re not actin’ like yourself, and I’m not the only one who’s noticed.” He rubbed at the back of his neck. “What’s goin’ on with you, River?”
Here’s what I didn’t say: I didn’t say it’s because sometimes my boyfriend makes plans with me but then gets drunk with his friends and gets to my house too late to go out. I didn’t say that I don’t really mind hanging out at Logan’s house because sometimes when he drinks, he gets into fights. I didn’t say that my boyfriend is kinda jealous and that he wouldn’t be able to handle my friendship with another guy…but it’s only because he really loves me, and I think I’m starting to fall for him, too. No, I didn’t say any of those things. Instead I said: “I’m just busy with school and my jobs, and having a boyfriend takes up the rest of my time…that’s all.”
“You’ve always made time for Ranger,” his fingertip brushed my shoulder when he tugged at one of my curls, sending a tingling rush all the way to my scalp, “and me.”
My heart dropped, and my anger faded. He was right; I’d always made time for Ranger and Justice, and I missed them terribly. I wanted the familiar comfort of going on long trail rides with Justice where we’d talk about everything or nothing at all. But I also wanted the exhilaration of being with Logan: the way he kissed me and made me feel like I was the only thing that mattered. I wanted to keep my best friend and my boyfriend, but having both was becoming increasingly harder. And having a boyfriend meant putting him first. Didn’t it?
“You’re right, things are different,” I stammered. “I’m in
a committed relationship.”
His jaw flexed, and he glanced toward the sky. “Are you? Are you really? Cause it seems a little weird to me that the other half of your relationship is out havin’ a whole lot more fun than you are.”
“What do you mean by that?” I knew exactly what he meant, but I didn’t want to hear it.
“I mean that when you tell your friends you can’t go out with them because you have a date with Logan, and then they see him out raisin’ ten kinds of hell with his buddies and you’re nowhere in sight, it doesn’t make your relationship look all that committed.”
I raked my fingers through my hair. “You don’t know anything about us.”
His eyes drifted toward the road. “I’m startin’ to think you’re right about that.”
“Ughh,” I groaned.
With a sharper edge to his voice than I thought necessary, he said, “Maybe you should step back and take a look at things, that’s all I’m sayin’.”
“Yeah, and maybe you should just step back,” I growled and turned the ignition key. I didn’t want to hurt him, but he was acting like a jealous boyfriend—without any of the benefits—and one boyfriend was difficult enough to deal with.
He expelled a long stream of air. “I just think you should—”
“What? What do you think I should do? Why do males always think they can tell me what I should or shouldn’t do? Control freaks…” I muttered as my truck engine groaned back at me.
He pointed his finger at me. “Do not put me in the same category as that jerk boyfriend of yours. I would never treat any girl the way he treats you!”
“Go to hell, Justice!” I hit the steering wheel with the inside of my hand when the engine refused to comply a third time.
Placing his hand where my truck window was rolled down, he held on to it tight like he was holding himself together. He bent his head down toward the ground, and for the first time, there was silence between us. Heavy silence. The kind that hollows out your stomach and leaves you empty. I hated the way fighting with Justice made me feel, but I had to make him understand that things couldn’t stay the same between us.
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