Running On Empty

by Colette Ballard

  “This is insane, and honestly, I’ve had about all the rejection I can take from him.”

  “Come on, just do it for me.” She gathered her tanning oil, soda, and towel. “And let him start the conversation,” she flashed a wicked smile, “if he’s able.”

  I glanced toward Justice then tugged at the thin string holding my bikini top together. “Kat, I’m feeling a little underdressed. I—”

  “Leave the flannel off,” she ordered through gritted teeth, then snatched up Justice’s shirt and scampered away with her evil accomplice.

  From my post in the water, I watched Justice moving closer. My breathing went shallow as I checked him out in his worn blue jeans and a thin t-shirt that showed off his wide shoulders and lean, muscular arms. His dark hair flipped out to create the perfect frame for his face. Damn, had he always been so sexy?

  Against my better judgment and despite feeling like a complete jackass, I put Kat’s plan in motion. I went under water and came up, making sure my hair was slicked back appropriately. As I walked toward the bank, I couldn’t help but notice the way his hands closed tight and released several times as I got closer. The muscles of his jaw moved beneath his skin like he was struggling to keep from saying something, or simply struggling to keep his mouth closed.

  When I finally allowed my eyes to meet his, what I saw in them caused my body temperature to rise despite the cool water dripping from my skin. The way he observed me was different; not his usual, you’re like a cute little kitten that I’d like to tease. This was more you’re an exotic white tiger that I’d like to tame.

  His response, I quickly decided, was worth every second of my own embarrassment.

  Cautiously, he watched me while trying not to watch me all at the same time. I walked past him, stepped up onto the dock, and went back to my towel, all while repeating my silent mantra—do not trip, do not trip, do not trip. Just as Kat demonstrated, I sat down, leaned back on my arms, and put one knee up—so sad I had to have instructions to be this cool.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him kick off his boots, slide off his socks, and follow me. He lowered himself next to me and hung his feet over the side of the dock. After he regained consciousness, he cleared his throat. “Still mad at me?”

  I didn’t answer—it was good for him to sweat it out a little longer. And I was enjoying every bead of sweat far more than I should’ve.

  “So, let me get this straight: you’re mad at me for not telling you the cops have been stopping by to question me while you were gone, and for ordering you to stay on my property?”

  “Yep.”

  “And, before that, you’re mad at me for making fun of you for saying Trina and I don’t make a good match based on your suspicion that she doesn’t make me laugh?” He picked up where our disagreement had left off as if there hadn’t been a three-day gap at all.

  I kept my eyes on the water. “Just my opinion—take it or leave it.”

  “Agreed.”

  “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “Accepted,” he said, wrongly assuming that I was apologizing.

  “And it’s also none of my business if you decide to have other overnight guests besides me.”

  “Is that what you’re so mad about?” he asked, finally getting it.

  “No,” I lied. “She’s your girlfriend, and I really don’t care what you do with her. It just made me feel a little weird after sleeping in your bed, that’s all.” And the whole kiss that wasn’t really a kiss thing—way too embarrassing to mention out loud.

  “River, I’m sorry I put you in my bed, but it wasn’t like I was in it with you.” His tone was serious, almost desperate. “I mean, you had a really rough day, it was pouring rain, and you were so tired you fell asleep at my kitchen table. I just thought you would be more comfortable, so I carried you to my bed. I didn’t realize it would be so offensive to you all of a sudden. It’s not like you haven’t spent the night in my room a hundred times since we were little kids.”

  I knew what he said made sense, but I was still hurt and angry…maybe even jealous. And he was still guilty of sneaking me around behind his girlfriend’s back, so he deserved whatever I dished out. “Well, we’re not little kids anymore, and maybe I don’t want to share you…your bed with anyone else.” Dammit. Did he catch my mistake? Was it a mistake?

  His eyes searched mine for deeper meaning, and I couldn’t seem to avoid them. I desperately wanted to get lost in those eyes—beautiful green, the same lush green as summer moss. I wanted to reach out to him, to feel his hand in mine, to let down my defenses, to let this moment be whatever it was meant to be. But it wasn’t an option—would probably never be an option. I took a shaky breath and managed to utter, “Maybe you should just…limit it to one girl a week in your bed…or something like that.”

  “Fair enough,” he whispered, still holding his eyes on mine.

  The pressure of his gaze made my heart ache, but I forced myself to put the shield back up. Giving him the iciest glare I could come up with, I said, “So, why are you still here? You’re hovering.”

  “Just answer one question, then I’ll go.”

  “Shoot.” I leaned my head back to feel the sun on my face.

  “How come it’s a double standard? How come you can get all tore up because you don’t think my girlfriend is fun enough, or that she spends the night, or whatever, but you were dating the devil and I wasn’t allowed to say anything?”

  My head snapped up and every bit of cool I might have had vanished into thin air. Playtime was over. He wasn’t interested in what I was wearing or not wearing anymore, he was only interested in what was going on in my head again—and I had no interest in going there. “This conversation is off limits.”

  “It’s always been off limits, River. But I think it might be good for you if you would talk about it, deal with it.”

  “What difference would it make, he’s…” I couldn’t bring myself to say the word. I couldn’t let myself go there…not again…not out loud. Not with Justice.

  “It makes a difference because it’s affected you more than you realize. You’re jumpy around me now, like I’m gonna hurt you or somethin’. Do you know how that makes me feel?”

  I couldn’t talk about his feelings. I couldn’t talk about my feelings. So I did what I did best—I changed the topic back to something a little less painful. “It’s Saturday. Shouldn’t you be getting ready to go out with what’s-her-name or something?” The idea of it bothered me, so I scooted over toward the edge of the dock and let my feet cool off in the water.

  Justice took a deep breath and exhaled. “We broke up.”

  I wasn’t expecting that answer. “Whatever.” I rolled my eyes.

  “No, really.”

  My jaw tightened. “You’ve been pretending you still had a girlfriend to get answers out of me?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Justice Braden, you’re really starting to get on my nerves.” When I turned to face him, he looked a little sad, so my irritation dwindled.

  “So, why did you two break up?” I tried to sound no more interested in the answer than if I were asking if he preferred a cactus to a Venus flytrap.

  “I realized we didn’t really have fun together.”

  I glared. “Stop mocking me.”

  “You were right.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “We didn’t make a very good match. She didn’t really care much for horses or campfires, stars or dirt.”

  I struggled to conceal a smirk. “Well, I hate to say I told you so.”

  “No you don’t; you love it.”

  “Yeah, I do. Can I ask who broke it off?”

  “She did.” He tried to look sad, and then broke out into a mischievous grin and confessed, “I invited her on a weekend trail ride.”

  We both had a good laugh at her expense, then so softly I wasn’t sure he meant for me to hear him, he said, “And she didn’t make me laugh.”

  I hadn’t expected breakup news,
and I didn’t know what to think about it. I picked at a rusty nail in the weathered decking. “I guess it’s not really called a trail ride if only one person goes, huh?”

  “Guess I’ll have to invite somebody that doesn’t mind a little dirt and horse sweat.”

  “Yeah,” I said, assuming he meant Zach or Kyle.

  “So, how about it?”

  “What, I’m second choice?”

  He pulled at the hole in the knee of his jeans. “You were never second choice.”

  My lungs constricted, making each intake of air burn. My heart told me he meant it, but my head told me he didn’t mean it like that.

  But it didn’t matter either way; because of my own foolishness and deadly mistake, I was trapped. I couldn’t go on a trail ride, or make a simple trip to the drugstore for hair products, or go anywhere. Maybe if my name got cleared things would be different, or maybe not ever. “Maybe a rain check,” I said glumly.

  He nodded, and we both stared out at the rippling water. I was lost in thought when he put his hand on the back of my neck, resting his arm on my back. It startled me, and I jumped.

  Looking like a wounded animal, he said, “When you first came back, the first time you were here, you let me hug you. You weren’t all jumpy at first…”

  My palms started to sweat. “That was different.”

  The hurt that clouded his eyes told me he didn’t understand the difference. “Different because…?” he pressed.

  “Because when I first came back, I didn’t realize you were shacking up with your girlfriend or that I gave a damn,” I snapped, and was immediately angry with myself for revealing something so stupid. Something that was only half the reason I was jumpy.

  “So you’re saying you didn’t realize you gave a damn about me until you saw me with Trina?” The edge of his lips lifted slightly.

  I’m saying that our kiss, my kiss, that night in the rain changed everything for me. In that moment, I allowed myself to acknowledge my true feelings for you, and those feelings triggered physical reactions: both good and bad. “I don’t know, Justice, and I’m still trying to figure it out. So if you’d quit giving me the third degree all the time, I’d appreciate it!” I took the last gulp of my soda and crushed the can.

  “No problem. I’m tired of asking questions that you either won’t answer or give some kind of nonsense answers to.” He stood up. “I won’t ask you any more questions. In fact, I’ll go a step further—I won’t touch you, either, since that seems to suddenly be freaking you out. Nope, I won’t come near you.” He held his hands up and started backing away. “Have all the space you need.”

  “Fine,” I agreed even though it was the opposite of what I wanted. The truth was, I wanted to be in his company more, to have his arms around me, to feel the touch of his skin. And the truth was, it scared the hell out of me.

  “In fact,” he lobbed his arms out, “I wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole if you begged me.”

  “Fine. Good. That’s exactly what I want.” I folded my arms across my chest.

  “No touching, no hand held out when you trip over your own feet, nothing, nada. That goes for you, too: you can’t poke me, push me, and most definitely no hugs when you need one.” He drew an imaginary line in front of himself with his foot, then motioned toward his whole body. “Do not go past this line—this is my personal space.”

  “I agree one hundred percent.” I stood up and extended my arm for a handshake. “On one condition.”

  “What’s that?” He narrowed his eyes.

  “The deal starts tomorrow,” I yelled, and shoved him toward the water. With quick reflexes, he caught my arm and pulled me into the lake with him.

  He shook his wet hair out of his face. “Very tricky, Daniels.”

  Breathless from the shock of the cool water, I sputtered, “Sorry, couldn’t resist.”

  With a wide smile, he advanced toward me. “That’s me, irresistible.”

  And as much as I didn’t want it to be true, he was right; he was irresistible. Being in his presence made me feel everything more intensely. Justice made me dance-barefoot-in-the-grass happy, and lightning-storm angry—sometimes all within the same minute. He made me stand-on-the-edge-of-a-cliff fearless, can’t-sleep-at-night restless, and coming-out-of-my-skin stupid. And for those reasons, I knew it was safer to keep him at a distance.

  I started to splash water in his face, but he reached out, caught my arm, and pulled me toward him. Even in the cool water, I could feel his body heat as he drew me closer. When his smile faded and his moss-green eyes became serious, my heart pounded wildly. This was not what I wanted. I mean, I did, but it wasn’t what was best for him—for either of us. Not now; not when everything was still up in the air. Don’t ruin it, Justice. It will only complicate things. When he cupped my face, my breath went shallow and my body melted. Who was I kidding? This was exactly what I wanted. I panicked, then relaxed and closed my eyes.

  After a whole second passed, I opened my eyes to see his lips go past mine to my ear. His breath was warm on my neck as he whispered, “Since this deal officially starts tomorrow…” Lifting me slightly, he tossed me away from him and I went under.

  When I came up for air, I grabbed his shoulders and tried to dunk him unsuccessfully. He caught me, carried me in his arms to the bank, and set me down on my feet.

  “Ughhh!” I yelled, embarrassed that I was so stupid to fall for his trick.

  “Whaddya think I was gonna kiss you or somethin’? Not a chance; these lips are off limits, too,” he said as he pushed them out.

  “They probably need a rest after all that kissing you were doing the other night at your break-up sleepover,” I huffed.

  He laughed. “F.Y.I., Trina didn’t spend the night then or any other night.”

  I wasn’t that stupid. “Then why was her car at your house so early that morning?”

  He smirked. “I left my debit card in her car, and she was bringing it back before she left on a family vacation.”

  I was still too irritated to be relieved. “Well, your lips are probably still worn out from the other morning, then. And don’t even try to deny that because I saw you kiss her.”

  “What exactly did you see, River?”

  “You were bent in her car window and you leaned over…”

  “Exactly, to kiss her on the forehead, just like I do with you sometimes—it didn’t mean anything.”

  Ouch. Did he really need to keep reminding me that we were just friends and that spending the night in his bed and our one-sided kiss didn’t mean anything? “You two were…breaking up?” I put the pieces together. “And when I said all that about you two not being a good match the other day, you had already broken up?”

  He struggled to put his socks back on. “Yeah.” He stalled. “Actually, we broke up a couple days earlier.”

  I pushed a piece of hair out of my eyes. “You jerk, you let me believe you were sleeping with—”

  “Uh-uh.” He held up a finger. “You chose to believe that. I just didn’t stop you.”

  “Braden, you’d better watch your back.”

  He wobbled on one leg at a time while he slipped his boots on in record speed. “I’m shakin’ in my boots, Darlin’.”

  I directed my finger at his chest and moved forward.

  “Ah, boundaries, remember?” He pointed to his imaginary line, backed away, and then scampered off toward the driveway. He was a safe distance away when he turned back. “Hey, you might want to jump back in the water, you look really hot.” He looked genuinely concerned as his eyes drifted over me. “Smokin’ hot,” he choke-laughed, then turned to run away.

  This time, I did pick up a rock and throw it at him.

  I stomped up to the cabin, and my friends met me on the porch. Kat started right in on her review. “First half—nice performance. But tell me, how in God’s name did you chase him off wearing that?”

  “Guess I wasn’t meant for the stage.”

  “You weren�
�t meant to have a boyfriend, either,” she said under her breath. “If only you could’ve chased away your last one like that.”

  Billi Jo took a break from blowing smoke rings in the air and blurted out, “She did; she killed him.”

  Her words hit me with the force of a racecar slamming into a concrete barrier. “Dammit, Billi Jo, it was self-defense; an accident, remember?” It’s what I said, but it didn’t lessen my guilt. “You guys have spent so much time trying to convince me of that, but that’s not really what any of you believe, is it? The truth is undeniable—I pulled the gun on Logan, and I was the one left holding it. I ended the life of another human being and that makes me a cold-blooded killer!” It might have been a distorted version of the truth, but it’s the way I felt most of the time.

  Billi Jo stood up. “I…I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “Yes, you did. You always say what you mean, and that comment was no different. You’re right. You’re exactly right. And I don’t know who I think I am standing here in this stupid string bikini trying to seduce my best friend since childhood when I have no right to even be here. I’m putting Justice at risk for much more than a broken heart!” I tried to walk past Billi Jo and Kat into the cabin, but they formed a barricade and wouldn’t let me by.

  Kat placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Soon, River. Soon this will all be over.”

  “It will never be over. Never.” I raked my trembling hand through my hair, then looked into her sympathetic eyes. “I ended a life.”

  “She’s right, Kat.” Billi Jo’s big black eyes glistened with tears. “Accidental or not, the pain will never go away.” Her bottom lip quivered. “Believe me, I know.”

  Billi Jo had always had the gift to push away the most serious of circumstances, to make jokes out of things that weren’t funny, to lighten the heaviest situation. But not this time—this was too real. Too close. The stream of tears that flowed down her cheek struck a nerve deep within me, causing my chest to crack wide open. I reached out and pulled her to me, embracing her as she sobbed.