“You are absolutely right, Darlin’.”
My heart fluttered then sank into the deepest pit of my stomach. It would be so much easier if he never called me that name again.
34
NIGHT OUT
“Here, wear this tonight.” Kat held up a bright ocean blue sundress she’d brought over for me. “This color will make your eyes stand out. Justice will melt in seconds, and then he’ll forget all about that friendship-only nonsense you two have agreed on.” She cocked her head as she held it up to me. “Wear your brown cowboy boots and leave your hair down and wavy.”
Staring blindly into the mirror over my dresser, I said, “I don’t know about tonight.”
“What do you mean? You’re free now, which means you’re free to go out in public, free to have fun, and free to date Justice. You won’t be putting him at risk for anything anymore.” Kat’s evil smirk spread across her lips. “Unless it’s a heart attack from seeing you in this outfit and all fixed up for a change.”
“He doesn’t see me that way.”
The headboard creaked when Billi Jo settled herself against it and stretched her legs out. “Seriously, are you blind?” she said, sticking a cigarette in her mouth and preparing to light it. “Oh, never mind, I forget who I’m talking to. Maybe not blind, just hard-headed and—”
Reaching over, I snatched the lighter out of her hand. “I already told you, we’re just friends. We both agreed, and he even told me he thought trying to turn it into more was a mistake.” I agreed with him, although it didn’t change the fact that my heart still hurt like it’d been ripped out through my throat.
Kat rolled her eyes. “Well, don’t believe everything you hear.” She pointed for me to sit in my desk chair while she searched through her makeup bag.
“I’m moving away, so if it turns out to be difficult, at least I won’t be around.”
Kat pulled out the eyeliner. “River, you could move to the North Pole and it wouldn’t change the way you two feel about each other.”
“My decision is final: I’m not having him fight for me every time someone stares or says something awful to me. I’ve put him in danger before, and I won’t do it again.” I stared at the floor when she uncapped the eyeliner lid. “I think he was already having second thoughts, anyway. Think I really freaked him out when we got into that big fight and I filled his head with morbid details of…that night.”
Billi Jo rolled on her side, propped her head on her elbow, and stared at me. “He didn’t look too freaked out to me, the way he was hugging all over you after you got back from court.”
She had a valid point, but that didn’t make me any less afraid. “I have too much baggage. No matter what I do, people around here will always see me as either a criminal or a victim. Why would he want to put himself through that?”
Kat pulled out the mascara and eye shadow. “Because it’s you. Because he loves you, and in one way or another, he always has.”
Her comments made me want to jump with joy and throw myself off a bridge all at the same time. The bottom line was he deserved better. “But—”
“Let me tell you something: I haven’t seen many guys look at their girlfriends or wives the way Justice looks at you.” Kat put her hand under my chin to keep me still while she smeared on eye shadow. “Have you ever seen any pictures of Paul Newman with his wife?”
“Paul Newman, as in the actor?” I said, confused.
“I was watching the Biography Channel one day and they were doing a bio on Paul Newman. They showed pictures of him standing beside his wife and looking over at her. He wasn’t smiling or anything extraordinary, but you could tell by the look in his eyes and on his face that he adored that woman.” She tilted my head up to look at her. “That is the way Justice looks at you, and you are a fool if you let that slip by.”
It took me a few seconds to absorb what Kat was saying, and that she was saying it at all. “This is coming from someone who doesn’t even believe in love?”
“I don’t believe in love for me. I never said it wasn’t for a lucky few.”
Damn.
“Justice and I are better off as friends.” If I told myself the lie enough times, maybe I’d eventually believe it. “I think he regrets that we crossed that line.”
“Yes, I’m sure he is just heartsick over your hot, steamy makeout session.” Kat placed the back of her hand dramatically across her forehead. “Reeling with regret.”
“Have you ever thought about telling him how you really feel?” Billi Jo rustled her candy bag, searching for the perfect red rope of yuk.
“I did tell him.” Sort of.
Kat stopped applying mascara, but kept hold of my chin. “If you’re referring to the shouting match where you told him you loved him and followed it up with ‘you big stupid jerk,’ that doesn’t count.”
“I think you should just make the first move and get it over with.” Billi Jo made her licorice selection. “What’s the big deal? It’s not like he’s gonna reject you. I mean, what guy would do that?”
“Justice,” I murmured.
“He’s probably as hopeless as you are.” Kat tossed the eye makeup back into the cosmetic bag. “Fuck. Somebody please tell me I did not just waste the last weekend before we start our senior year trying to hook her up.”
“Pretty sure ya did,” Billi Jo said.
“Well, sorry to rain on everyone’s parade, but it’s too late to change my mind. It’s over between us and I’m moving tomorrow.”
“You know, Billi Jo,” Kat gathered a couple lip glosses in her hand, “this might be one of River’s worst ideas yet.”
“Yep,” Billi Jo stared longingly at the lighter on my bedside table as she nibbled on a Twizzler. “Epic fail.”
“Or maybe it’s just as well.” Kat looked past me to Billi Jo. “Because if she and Justice did get together, River would just screw it up.”
I looked up at them and pointed to my ear. “I can hear you.”
Still ignoring me, Billi Jo swiped the lighter, lit a cigarette, and spoke as it dangled from her smirking lips. “Yeah, and then some trashy ho would make a move on Justice, and he’d fall for her and River’d be all heartbroken…”
Leaning across her, I grabbed her beer off of my bedside table, plucked the cigarette out of her mouth, and enjoyed the sizzle it made when I dropped it into the freshly opened can of beer. “Now who’s heartbroken?”
Billi Jo pouted. “Since when am I not allowed to drink and smoke in your house?”
“Since probation.”
“Ohh,” she groaned. “I thought maybe Jack had gone all militant and made rules or somethin’.”
I managed a weak smile. “Jack has barely realized I’m back home.” In fact, things were pretty much the same as they were before I left, only I think I was beginning to understand him better. My heart twisted when I thought of Kat’s little analogy about Paul Newman. It reminded me of the way Jack looked at my mother in their wedding picture. No matter how much he’d loved my mom, he wasn’t capable of loving me. I was a constant reminder of Mom’s Paul Newman.
Kat smeared a shimmery coral gloss on my lips, and then picked up the blue dress off of my bed and shoved it into my hands. “Get changed and do not come out until your attitude matches your outfit.” She motioned for Billi Jo to follow her.
When I finally came out of my room, I strutted down the hallway into the living room like I was on the runway. My friends seemed satisfied with my metamorphosis for all of about three strides until I stumbled over an imaginary obstacle. Their faces fell.
I tugged at the dress. “It’s a little fancy for a rodeo, don’t ya think?”
“It’s not fancy, it’s sexy—just a simple sundress on a sultry night.” Kat’s eyes gleamed as she stood up to take a better look at me. “Tonight, you are going to rock Justice’s world.” When I scowled, she made a gagging gesture with her tongue and added, “I mean, in a friend, group date kind of way.”
I nodded my appr
oval and she continued, “You know he wouldn’t care if you wore a camouflage muumuu, but my point is to prove it to you, since you seem to be buying his ‘better off as friends’ line.” She snatched a couple of stray hairs off my dress. “If you still believe that bullshit by the end of tonight, then I give up.”
“Kat, I’m serious—it’s over between us. We both agreed.”
“Tell you what, if Justice can resist the superpowers of you in this dress tonight, then I’ll back off.” She made a lip-zipping motion. “But if he can’t, then I get to say I told you so.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “Pretty sure I’m going to win this one.”
“Give me a little credit.” Kat closed her makeup bag and dropped it on the desk. “I’m a bit of an expert in the guy-catching department.”
“Yeah, but look at you.” As always, Kat looked amazing in a simple black tank top and a pair of ripped-knee jeans, her sleek black hair waterfalling down her back.
“You’re not exactly an ogre. You may have the same I.Q. as one, but you certainly don’t look like one.” She gave me a reassuring thump on the back. “Trust me.”
Hoping some fresh air would calm my nerves, I started toward the door. When I noticed the clock, I turned back to Kat. “I can’t do this. It’s wrong. What if you’re right; what if we can’t be just friends? It’s not fair to him. He deserves better and—”
“River—”
“And I’m scared; scared to fall in love. I promised myself after what happened with Logan that I would never fall in love again.”
“River, it’s too late; you’ve already fallen in love with Justice.” Kat placed a firm hand on each side of my face, forcing me to look into her eyes. “And for the record, you didn’t fall in love with Logan Westfield.” Her tone softened as she dropped her hands. “You just fell.”
Her words hit me like a punch in the gut—one that I needed.
At the sound of Justice’s truck, my heart skittered. Over two weeks had passed since the trial, and I’d ventured out to the grocery store and the gas station, but this was my first night out. Justice and Kyle were getting out of the truck when Zach and a few more of their friends pulled up behind them in Zach’s super-sized SUV.
“You ladies ready for the Camas County rodeo?” Justice called as he opened the passenger side door of his truck. He looked painfully handsome in his perfect date—scratch that—group date attire.
Billi Jo did one of her famous two-fingered whistles, and then sprinted down the trailer steps.
“Billi Jo,” Justice gestured his hands toward his friends like a magician, “I brought you options.”
She sandwiched his face between her hands and looked back at us. “I love this guy.” Then she climbed into the SUV and motioned for Kat to follow.
“Darn, looks like you two will have to drive separate. Zach’s only seats seven,” Kat said smugly as she passed by me on her way to the SUV. “Guess you could sit on Justice’s lap, but that could be,” her smug grin spread, “dangerous.”
Hoping Justice hadn’t heard her, I walked to his truck, where he held the door open for me. And dammit to hell if he didn’t look like a magazine ad for the Stetson Cowboy in his white button-down shirt with the short sleeves rolled up to his tan biceps, his worn jeans and brown cowboy boots. “Hey, Darlin’.”
My stomach fluttered like it was filled with mammoth fireflies trying to escape a glass jar. I melted every time he called me that. It made me feel special, and weak, and… girly. “Hey,” was all I could manage to say back as I climbed into his black Silverado. I had to keep reminding myself to act normal, because this was not a real date. This was a group date…with friends. Friends.
Once my heart rate returned to normal, I said, “I’m glad you talked me into going.”
“Couldn’t break tradition; we’ve been to the Camas County rodeo for the last thirteen years in a row.” He handed me the buckle to my seat belt and closed the door.
Right, a tradition. Not a date. Nothing special. Just a tradition we’d shared since childhood. Our families used to go together, and when my mom died, Justice’s family continued to take me with them. After we got our licenses, we started going with a big group of our friends, but always the two of us had gone together.
“A perfect way to celebrate your first night out,” he added as he started the engine and took off behind Zach’s SUV.
“Yeah,” I agreed and was relieved he didn’t make a specific reference to my freedom. I was also relieved the rodeo was two and a half hours away from Dahlia, where hopefully, I would be less well-known, and unlikely to have similar run-ins like the one with Red.
“This feels really good,” I finally said as Justice merged onto the interstate.
“What?” he asked.
“All of it: getting out, going to the rodeo, the weather…” You.
He nodded, but didn’t say a word.
We talked about the weather, the scenery, and anything but our relationship status all the way there. When we finally parked in the field parking lot, Justice put the tailgate of his truck down so we could sit on it. Zach followed, backing his SUV up to Justice’s truck so we could all sit facing each other. Kyle passed out beer, and we sat around talking and laughing until an announcement came over the loud speaker listing the next three bull riders.
“Hey, one of those guys is an old friend of mine. He’ll be up in a few minutes; you wanna go watch him?” Justice asked.
“Sure.”
The others weren’t quite ready yet, so we walked ahead by ourselves and made our way through the crowd. Justice stayed by my side, his hand protectively at my back, not touching but guiding me; his close proximity transferred tingling warmth like a heat lamp.
“What’s wrong?” I asked when I sensed Justice tense up.
“You’re gonna cause an accident if you’re not careful.”
“What? I’m walkin’ perfectly straight.” I tapped my can of Coke.
“I’m talkin’ about the way these guys are checkin’ you out in that dress.” He winked.
I rolled my eyes at him.
“You don’t believe me?” He motioned his head slightly to his right. “Okay, watch this guy at three o’clock.”
I looked to my right and was surprised to see some cute cowboy boldly checking me out.
“Damn,” cute cowboy said to his buddies as they passed by.
“Mm, that was uncomfortable.” I glanced around to make sure Kat wasn’t directly behind me. Justice snickered and I had to restrain myself from elbowing him in the stomach. I shouldn’t have let Kat talk me into the dress. I didn’t wear it for anyone but Justice, and so far he didn’t seem to notice.
We were about to step up onto some weathered wooden bleachers when a guy wearing a straw cowboy hat walked up to Justice. Built and attractive, with sharp features, he held out his hand to shake Justice’s and gave him a pat on the back with his other one. “Justice Braden, haven’t seen you for a long time. How’s it goin’?”
“Hey, Andy. I’m good, how about you?” Then he turned to me and introduced his old pal. “River, this is Andy Blaze. I worked with him down here a couple summers ago with my dad. Andy, this is my friend, River Daniels.”
Sharp pain jabbed at an old wound when he clearly referred to me as his friend.
Andy eyed me and smirked at Justice. “If you were smart, you’d be introducin’ her as your girlfriend.”
Justice smiled through a grimace. “Yeah, it’s not like that.”
Any hopes I had of Justice changing his mind about us crashed and burned. I silently cursed myself for being the one to end things between us before they ever really started. What was wrong with me? But I was moving away for all the right reasons. For Justice.
“Really?” Andy seemed interested in this piece of information. “Hey, you two should come sit with us. Remember Sean? He’s up next.”
“Yeah, I heard his name announced a few minutes ago,” Justice said.
We followed Andy
up a few creaky rows of wooden bleachers to where his friends sat. He introduced us to about six guys and four girls, a couple of whom Justice seemed to know. When Andy introduced me, he moved his hand toward my back, and I arched away from him. Justice stood a little straighter as he eyed Andy’s hand.
We got settled, and after Sean got in his eight seconds on a bull named Dandy Devil, Andy didn’t waste any time catching Justice up on the latest news. He talked about horses he was breaking, and the house and land he’d recently bought. As he spoke to Justice, he kept glancing my way to make sure I was paying attention to his long list of accomplishments. “I’ve got my own construction company now and it’s booming. If you ever need a job…”
Justice nodded. “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.”
I’d been talking with Candace and Melissa when I turned to say something to Justice. When I caught Andy staring at me, I turned back to the girls. Dammit. The superpowers of my dress were starting to work on the wrong guy.
Apparently Andy and one of his friends had gotten some more beer while I was busy listening to the girls. Andy started down the line. “Justice?” He held out a cup of beer.
“Thanks, I’m good.” Justice held up his can of Coke.
“What about you, Darlin’?” He extended one to me.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Justice’s jaw flex when Andy called me his name. “No thanks.” I held up my Coke, too. Drugs and alcohol weren’t condoned while I was on probation.
“You sure?” He nodded toward Justice. “Looks like you have a D.D.”
I forced a smile, and Justice ran his hand around the back of his neck, rubbing it. I was relieved when a couple of the guys distracted Justice with rodeo stats, and Andy went about passing out the rest of the beer.
During the break between bull riding and broncs, the girls invited me to walk with them to their truck to get more beer. I didn’t really want to, but Andy was still making googly eyes at me, so I thumbed to Justice that I was going with them. Besides, it felt good to be out in public, and even better to be around people that didn’t know anything about me, or my past.
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