Create the ideal holiday vision
Begin by creating a list of adjectives that describe your previous holiday experiences. Cross out any adjectives that don’t create a positive picture in your mind. You may decide to throw out the entire list.
On a second piece of paper, list the adjectives that describe your ideal holiday season. Remember, this is your ideal so use words that truly represent the vision of what you want to experience. Nice and good don’t create a vivid enough picture. If nice and good really mean relaxed and peaceful, then choose these more evocative words. The richer the description, the more likely you are to choose a course of action that matches it.
With the second list in hand, create one action statement for the coming day or days. The statement should define a specific action you and your family members can complete within the holiday that will bring you closer to realizing the ideal you have envisioned. If one of the adjectives on your list was relaxed you could use the following action statement, “I will find thirty minutes in the coming week to engage in an activity I enjoy.” Commit yourself to this activity by circling a date on the calendar.
Continue to create action statements every several days that drive you toward your ideal vision for the holidays. With a frequent and consistent commitment to your family’s vision, your set of action statements will naturally begin to bring you closer to realizing your ideal. Revisit your list of adjectives every week. Add new words to the list at any time as long as they align with your original vision.
When opportunities arise to engage in holiday activities, consider whether your involvement would bring you closer to or further from your ideal. With a clear picture in mind, it will be easier to decide to pass on certain activities.
Plan for a productive and engaging summer
Do you know how some kids look forward to summer? From around the start of Daylight Saving Time, kids begin living for the time when school is out. Parents, in comparison, often dread the freedom summer brings; they view the three-month stretch as an ongoing challenge of keeping their kids busy and out of trouble.
With the plethora of opportunities summer offers, parents need to narrow the field and eliminate those activities that don’t fit with their child’s interests. Here are three ways parents can help their children identify potential interests.
Direction. From your child’s activities in elementary school, some lines of interest should already be apparent. Are they interested in travel, music, mathematics, art, or computers? One of the easiest ways to uncover hidden interests is for parents and kids to visit a bookstore three to five times over the next few weeks and buy a couple of magazines on each visit. The only caveat is that you choose different magazines each time.
On the first few visits, kids tend to focus on similar magazines. Your child may get frustrated when forced to choose a magazine covering a new interest. But over time (and probably without ever letting anyone know) kids actually begin to appreciate the challenge of seeking out new interests. Without the continued opportunity for discovery, kids return to the tried-and-true set of interests and activities, much like the magazine subscription whose issues continue to arrive but no one ever reads any more.
Gifts. What pursuits come naturally to your child? Children are gifted in many areas—some physically, others mentally, others musically or emotionally, still others intuitively. It seems that by age thirteen, many children begin to show their personalities, and their gifts shine through. The trick to effectively recognizing and acknowledging children’s assets is to show them real-life examples of how their particular gifts are rewarded.
Motivation. Many parents are concerned and interested to find some area that interests their child, and they spend a lot of time and resources in search of motivation. There are many easy ways to introduce the motivating factors that children and their families need in order to experience fulfillment and success. The basic idea is, celebrate every success! Each time your child succeeds, make a big deal about it. Put a call in to the grandparents. Brag about it to your friends. Put up a sign by the dinner table. Yes, your child will roll her eyes and call you crazy, but secretly she’ll feel outstanding simply because you are noticing her.
Another tactic to approaching the summer months requires more scheduling on the parent end. Kids have spent the past nine months of the school year researching, studying, and completing homework assignments. Now it’s your turn. Pull out a calendar, preferably one that shows the entire month at a glance. Begin by filling in the events and activities you have already scheduled. Include everything from vacations to sports competitions. How much time is left to plan for?
Take five minutes to create a list of activities you think your child would enjoy. Do you notice any patterns in the activities you listed? Does your child enjoy the outdoors rather than indoor activities? Has volunteering time in the community been an interest? Does he seem to prefer individual activities or group settings?
Armed with a better sense of who your child is and the types of activities he prefers, you can more efficiently filter out opportunities that don’t fit his interests. Your goal at this stage of the planning process is to create a list of ten to twelve ideas to share with your child. Start with the newspaper or your city’s summer activity guide, adding activities to your list that might be of interest to your child. Next consider the wide range of volunteer and internship opportunities. Are there businesses within walking distance from your home that might need occasional assistance? Drop by and talk with a few business owners to inquire about their need for occasional volunteer assistance or a summer internship.
Beyond volunteering, consider contacting your local community service organization or church about day trips or weekend expeditions to nearby destinations. Typically, adults who enjoy mentoring kids staff these short treks. Look for a staff-to-child ratio of 1:10 or better. Even the most qualified staff can be challenged when the number of kids becomes too great. Consider adding mentoring opportunities to your research agenda. Most cities have a Big Brother/Big Sister program connecting teens and younger children in structured mentoring activities. Generally, kids rise to the occasion when asked to provide guidance for younger children.
Continue adding to your list as you find new and potentially engaging opportunities. Put a date on the calendar, preferably in early May, to talk with your child about planning for the summer months. The sooner you plan this meeting, the more time you both have to seek out activities and plan for a productive and engaging summer.
For some parents, scheduling activities is not the challenge. Finding time to recoup and relax before returning the school years proves to be the real challenge. Kids today are busier than ever. Many cities have large-scale programs that keep students busy from dawn till dusk (and often later). It’s important to strike the right balance between being too busy and and being so idle it’s boring. Here are some ways you can sustain engagement while finding time for a healthy amount of rest and relaxation.
By creating a “summer growth plan” (don’t worry, it sounds much more formal than it really is), it will be easier to identify activities that spark interest and the ones you want to steer clear of. Having established a weekly check-in routine, you can use it to begin talking with your kids about summer opportunities. The summer vacation discussion gives the family an opportunity to share what kinds of things are current. What timing constraints do you have? For example, is the family taking a vacation? Do the children have sports or academic coaching camps already scheduled?
Parents, if there is ever a family planning session in which to practice listening, this is it. In your Summer Opportunity discussion, you have the opportunity to be a “player-coach.” In a sense, you’re going to mentor your child as she comes up with some of her own interests. You will also be directly involved as the one to make the introductions, provide the transportation, or hand over the funds necessary to take advantage of the opportunities.
Summer seems endless for some parents,
whereas teens often wish it would never end. Working together, parents and kids can more effectively plan to enjoy the months ahead.
“I want my four children to know two things about their father. The first thing I stress with them is actually more of a mantra. At bedtime most nights I say, ‘I’m going to love you forever, no matter what.’ I want my children to feel loved and to know they can confide in me even in the worst of circumstances. The second and equally important thing I want them to understand has to do with my role as a father. I have frequently needed to remind my children I’m here to be their father, not their friend. As their father, I have the responsibility of teaching them right from wrong and how to be a good citizen. Whenever the point needs to be revisited, I ask them, ‘Would you rather I was your friend or your father?’ Their preference is always to have a father rather than another friend.”
—Marc, father of four, Los Angeles, CA
Concluding thoughts
Parenting is a journey: a journey across an ever-changing landscape of emotional peaks and valleys. Middle school presents a series of unique challenges all within the span of a few years. Physical changes coupled with a growing desire to become independent add to the frenzy of social and academic activity that kids experience on a daily basis. Parents may be left wondering how their once-tranquil child could have become the person they now see. How do parents navigate the transition from childhood to adolescence? Sadly, the majority of conversations I shared with parents in researching this book focused on a recurring theme of frustration. “Middle school is simply a matter of survival for parents and kids,” one mom shared.
As we bring our journey together to a close, my hope for you is that you take action on the resources and information in this book. Scan the table of contents or flip back through the pages in search of one strategy or idea that you could likely act on in the coming week. Committing to a course in the next seven days ensures change in the short term and sets the stage for a long-term commitment to change. Sending an email to a member of your child’s support team qualifies as action.
Take it slow. Parenting is a process that happens over time. My own parents still comment on the fact that although their role has changed they will always feel the responsibility and passion that comes with being a parent.
Traversing the middle school years has become a treacherous passage for families. Undoubtedly a lot has changed since your own days as a middle schooler. The internet revolution swept around the world and into homes within the span of a decade. You may not have been born in the digital age, but as a parent of a child who was, you must make it your business to learn more about the tools that affect our world.
How can parents possibly assume responsibility for tackling all of the issues facing our youth today? They can’t—not if they try to do it alone. After reading this guide you have become aware of the power that comes from sharing responsibility for your child’s development with a trusted group of teachers, coaches, and mentors. It takes courage to place your faith in your team to guide you through the gauntlet of questions, issues, and changes; keep in mind that this is an ongoing process. Relinquishing your position as the sole manager of your child’s life to become a player on the team—albeit a key member—will tug at the very fabric of your being. Along with the discomfort you feel will come equal amounts of joy and fulfillment. Watching your child grow to become an independent person is truly an amazing experience.
Taking time to acknowledge and celebrate the small wins in your child’s life builds momentum for the bigger achievements to come. Finding a new peer group that supports your child’s unique personality can be every bit as fulfilling as bringing home a stellar report card. With a positive peer group, kids find the self-confidence to explore new interests, take risks, and pursue lifelong passions. The importance and power of peer support cannot be overemphasized. Confronting negative social situations like cliques and bullies is likely to be an inevitable part of the middle school experience. Yet when children are surrounded by a group of supportive peers, these troubling situations can be diminished or overcome.
Standing on the sidelines while your child explores the world may be one of parenting’s greatest challenges. For over a decade your child has looked to you for guidance and daily reminders of the role you play in his life. The first time you get the request to keep your distance can be quite a shock. Resist the temptation to hold onto the relationship you once had with your child. Walking hand in hand, singing lullabies, and swinging in the park are memories from a magical time. The connection you share in the coming years will be different. Different doesn’t mean your child will love you less. Nevertheless, the change in connection will tug at your heart and leave you feeling alone at times. Don’t despair. The short, impromptu conversations you share in the car or in the moments before your child falls asleep at night may be the glue that holds you together. Practice patience.
When your child won’t talk, yet you feel sure there is something she needs to talk about, call a friend. Relying on a team of teachers, coaches, and mentors for ongoing updates can provide you with the needed insight to remain sane during times when your child becomes tight-lipped—a regular occurrence among middle schoolers. It takes time to develop relationships. Building a team starts in the months before middle school begins. Take time to appreciate the people who will share the coming years with your family.
Above all, enjoy the journey.
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES
Bullying
READING
Beane, Allan L. The Bully Free Classroom: Over 100 Tips and Strategies for Teachers K–8. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing Inc., 2005.
Romain, Trevor. Bullies Are a Pain in the Brain. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing Inc., 1997.
Romain, Trevor. Cliques, Phonies, and Other Baloney. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing Inc., 1998.
Simmons, Rachel. Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Girls’ Aggression. Orlando, FL: Harcourt Books, 2002.
Wiseman, Rosaland. Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press, 2002.
WEBSITES
www.bullypolice.org
www.isafe.org
www.kidpower.org
www.pacerkidsagainstbullying.org
www.safeyouth.org
www.stopbullyingnow.com
www.stopcyberbullying.org
Drugs and alcohol
READING
DuPont, Robert L. The Selfish Brain: Learning from Addiction. Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2000.
Emmett, David, and Graeme Nice. Understanding Street Drugs: A Handbook of Substance Misuse for Parents, Teachers, and Other Professionals. Philadelphia, PA: Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2006.
Falkowski, Carol. Dangerous Drugs: An Easy-to-Use Reference for Parents and Professionals. Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2003.
Folkers, Gladys, and Jeanne Engelmann. Taking Charge of My Mind and Body: A Girls’ Guide to Outsmarting Alcohol, Drug, Smoking, and Eating Problems. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing Inc., 1997.
Godfrey, Neale S., and Rhett. The Teen Code: How to Talk to Us about Sex, Drugs, and Everything Else—Teenagers Reveal What Works Best. New York, NY: Rodale Books, 2004.
Kuhn, Cynthia. Just Say Know: Talking with Kids about Drugs and Alcohol. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company, Inc., 2002.
Palmiero, Karen. 90 Ways to Keep Your Kids Drug Free. Parker, CO: Outskirts Press, Inc., 2004.
Rogers, Peter D., and Lea Goldstein. Drugs and Your Kids: How to Tell If Your Child Has a Drug/Alcohol Problem and What to Do about It. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2002.
Schwebel, Robert. Saying No Is Not Enough—Helping Your Kids Make Wise Decisions about Alcohol, Tobacco, and Other Drugs. New York, NY: Newmarket Press, 1998.
WEBSITES
www.freevibe.com
www.theantidrug.com
Friendship
READING
General adolescence
READING
Clifford-Posten, Andrea. Tweens: What to Expect From—and How to Survive—Your Child’s Pre-Teen Years. Oxford, England: Oneworld Publications, 2005.
Fox, Annie. Be Confident in Who You Are (Middle School Confidential Series). Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing Inc., 2008.
Glasser, William. For Parents and Teenagers: Dissolving the Barrier between You and Your Teen. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers, 2002.
Godfrey, Neale S., and Rhett. The Teen Code: How to Talk to Us about Sex, Drugs, and Everything Else—Teenagers Reveal What Works Best. New York, NY: Rodale Books, 2004.
Goldberg, Donna. The Organized Student: Teaching Children the Skills for Success in School and Beyond. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, Inc., 2005.
Grigsby, Connie, and Kent Julian. How to Get Your Teen to Talk to You. Sisters, OR: Multnomah Publishers, Inc., 2002.
Hartley-Brewer, E. Talking to Tweenies. London, England: Hodder and Stoughton, 2004.
Paterson, Kathy. Every Adult’s Guide to Talking to Teens. Markham, Ontario: Pembroke Publishers, 2001.
Peterson, Jean Sunde. The Essential Guide to Talking with Teens: Ready-to-Use Discussions for School and Youth Groups. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing Inc., 2006.
Rainey, Barbara, and Bruce Nygren. Parenting Today’s Adolescent: Helping Your Child Avoid the Traps of the Preteen and Teen Years. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc., 2002.
Rosenfeld, Alven. The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press, 2001.
Walsh, David, and Nat Bennett. Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen. New York, NY: Free Press, 2005.
WEBSITES
www.helpyourteens.com
www.OnTeensToday.com
Joe Bruzzese Page 16