He didn’t say anything for a moment. “I’m sorry.”
His words were like a caress against her hurting soul. “Her mouth hangs open and she drools.” Ashley looked across the room at Cole. He was still caught up in the cartoon, and she was glad. She didn’t want him to hear the truth about Hayley. “Her arms are rigid, and her legs get so stiff they sometimes kick straight up.” She waited until she had more control. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You’ve probably been strong for Brooke, but all of you have to be feeling this . . . the loss.”
“We are.” Ashley leaned back in the chair and stared at the peeling paint on the ceiling. “I see it in Mom, especially. She’s always been so strong, the family ringleader, ready to find the good in any situation. But now . . . she looks tired. I think this one’s put her over the edge.”
“How about your dad?”
“He gets quiet when we talk about Hayley. I’m not sure what he’s thinking.”
“And you? Tell me you’re seeing a doctor, right?”
Landon always asked, each time they’d talked since her last visit to New York City; she’d known the question was coming. “I haven’t picked one yet.”
“Ashley . . .”
“I know. I’ll get on it. I’ve had a lot of distractions.”
“Yeah.” He was quiet again. “Me, too.”
She sat a bit straighter. What wasn’t he saying? Ashley was scared to prod, terrified he’d tell her he’d met someone, or that he’d finally decided she was right about the two of them breaking ties.
But he’d left her no choice. “Busy?”
“Sort of. Lots on my mind.”
Ashley worked to find her voice. “Fire stuff or . . . or something else?”
“I have to tell you something, Ash.” Landon released a breath, and the sound of it rattled what remained of Ashley’s nerves.
Here it was, the part where Landon would finally tell her he was ready to move on. She bent forward over her knees. “Okay.”
“The department brass talked to me and offered me a promotion.” He paused and though his words were quietly serious, a hint of excitement crept between them. “Ash, they want to make me captain. Can you believe it?”
“Captain?” She muttered a sound that was more shock than joyful release. “Wow, Landon. That’s amazing. You’ve . . . you’ve only worked there a year.”
“I know . . . it doesn’t seem real.”
A hundred questions begged for Ashley’s attention. Was he serious? Had he accepted an offer that would keep him in Manhattan for another few years? And why would that be so hard to believe? Of course he’d accepted it. Hadn’t she been telling him to get on with his life? Hadn’t she avoided his calls every time he phoned for the past two months?
He was talking to her again, saying something about the promotion, about that not being all they had talked to him about. She forced herself to focus.
“. . . so then the battalion chief tells me the captain position is only the beginning.” He made a disbelieving huff. “Get this, Ash. He tells me they want to groom me for the top job. Fire chief of New York City.”
“Aren’t . . . aren’t fire chiefs a lot older than you?”
Landon’s tone was a strange mixture of pride and sorrow. “They’re talking about a long-term plan, Ashley. Fifteen, twenty years. I’m not the only one they’re looking at, but they like me. They made that much clear.”
“Wow.” Ashley was desperate for something to say. The last thing she could do is make Landon doubt his future in Manhattan. Especially now, with the opportunity of a lifetime hanging in the balance. “That’s amazing, Landon.”
The enthusiasm leaked from Landon’s voice. “They gave me some time to decide; it’s a big commitment.”
“Yes.” Ashley’s heart was racing beneath her linen blouse. No, Landon . . . no. Don’t tell them yes . . . not when I’m still in love with you. Please, Landon. She swallowed the desperate cry and kept her tone upbeat. “It’s huge.”
Landon waited. “I took a walk that afternoon and thought about my life, my commitments and priorities. For a long time I asked myself if there was any reason, any possibility that you would change your mind, that you’d tell me yes, you still wanted me. I even thought about calling you and asking you.
“But then the answer came to me without having to make the call.” He made a sound, and she could almost see his sad smile through the phone lines. “I knew what you’d tell me. You’d say, ‘Landon, go for it. Make a life for yourself in New York, because I can’t promise you anything.’ ” He exhaled in a tired kind of way. “Right, Ash? Isn’t that what you’ve always said?”
She hated that he was right, that those were exactly the words she would’ve said.
“I’m right, aren’t I?”
“Yes.” The word was a dagger to her heart, to everything she’d hoped and dreamed those past two years about sharing her life with Landon Blake. “You’re right.”
“I thought so.” A tinge of bitterness colored his tone. “All my life you’ve refused me, Ash. My schoolboy attempts back when we were kids, my effort at being your friend when you came home from Paris, and after we found something special, you still refused me. My ring, my time, even my love and—”
“Landon . . .” She couldn’t listen to another word. “You don’t understand. It’s not like that. I didn’t want to refuse you. You mean more to me than . . .” She stopped herself. No matter how she felt, it would only be selfish for her to tell him now. He deserved his freedom, even if it meant leaving him with a lifetime of misunderstandings.
“More than what? Tell me, Ashley.”
She cleared her throat, desperate for the right words. “What I mean is, I don’t want your pity. I need to move on, find a doctor, and you . . . you deserve a life of your own. Can’t you understand?”
“Sure.” His tone was kind, as if he finally understood. “That’s what I thought.”
“So you . . . you’ve made up your mind?” She held her breath, not sure why.
“I accepted the position the next day.”
The chair wasn’t moving, but Ashley felt herself sway all the same. The ground felt like liquid and the sounds around her came in spurts. She clenched her fists and ordered herself to get a grip. Help me, God. Isn’t this the right thing? Isn’t it what I wanted all along? The question was an easy one. No, she didn’t want Landon to tell her he’d made a twenty-year commitment to New York City. She wanted to be well and normal; she wanted to tell him to quick get on the next plane for Indiana before she died from missing him.
He was talking again. “. . . and the captain position starts in January at one of the smaller stations. The hours aren’t good at first, but they’ll get better.”
She leaned back in her chair and stared at her hands. They were trembling, reacting to the news even if she had to pretend everything was okay. Did he want her to congratulate him? Did he really think she wanted all the details, the information about the shift and the station and the hours he’d be keeping?
“Look, Landon . . .” She shifted her gaze to Cole once more. The cartoon was almost over. “I have to go. Cole’s with me and . . . well . . . we have errands to run.”
“Ash . . .” He sounded frustrated and a little panicked. “Tell me what you’re feeling. Please . . .”
“What I’m feeling?” She stood and walked the few steps toward the window. “What am I supposed to feel?” Her throat hurt and she willed herself to sound calm. “Okay, listen. I’m happy for you, Landon. I’m glad you believed me and decided to make a life for yourself in New York. I’m glad you’re happy, okay? It’s what you’ve worked hard for.”
“Wrong, Ashley.” His voice was thick. He waited a long time before finishing his thought. When he did, his words were slow, measured. “I’ve worked hard for you. But I can’t have you, so I’ll settle for a future with the FDNY. Understand?”
And there it was. No matter what he’d said, no matter that h
e’d made a decision that would affect the rest of his life, he still wanted her. Still wanted her to change his mind and tell him she’d take him back. “What am I supposed to say, Landon?”
“Nothing. I wanted you to know, that’s all. And maybe someday . . .”
“Maybe someday what? You want me to tell you that maybe I’ll move to New York and look you up? One day when I have my health under control. Is that what you want me to say?”
“No.” He paused, but only for a heartbeat. “I want you to tell me you love me. And that this wasn’t how you wanted it to end.”
She shut her eyes tight against the wave of sorrow that welled inside her. “Oh, Landon . . .”
“Please, Ashley.” His voice was calmer now, as deep and passionate as if he were looking straight into her eyes. “If it’s true, please tell me.”
She made a fist and pressed it against the glass pane. I can’t do this, God.
I am with you, daughter . . . even now.
The holy assurance breathed a strength into her soul, a strength she hadn’t known before. She steadied herself and held the receiver closer to her face. “I love you, Landon.” Chills ran down her spine and she opened her eyes, more sure about this than anything she’d ever said in her life. “I’ll always love you. This . . . this wasn’t how I wanted it to end.”
He was quiet, and she could picture him replaying her words, absorbing the reality of them, the truth about how she felt. Finally he said only this: “I love you, Ashley. Call me sometime.”
The conversation was over as quickly as it had begun, leaving Ashley with one devastating possibility. In all likelihood, she and Landon might not speak again for weeks, months even. He would be busy, moving on with his life and the climb up the FDNY ladder. In fact, other than Luke’s wedding, she might never see him again.
Swiftly, suddenly, Landon Blake was out of her life.
The reality weighed so heavily on her chest, she had trouble filling her lungs. Because Landon was her only love, the way Hank was Irvel’s only love. And no matter how she tried to justify her decision to let him go, she was certain Irvel wouldn’t have agreed.
And that made Ashley even sadder because maybe she hadn’t learned as much as she’d thought from the old woman. Irvel would never have understood any reason for letting go of that kind of love. Even now Irvel’s love for Hank was stronger than Alzheimer’s or reality or the confines of an adult care home. Stronger than her need for air.
A person who loved like that would never let go, not for health or money or job titles. That person would cling to the other at all costs.
Even after death took one of them home.
Chapter Eleven
The good news came as a complete surprise, and that Thursday it gave Elizabeth reason to throw a dinner party.
All week she’d felt stronger, more willing to face the mornings. For the first time since Hayley’s accident, she had enough energy to get through the day, and that had to be a good sign. She’d started to worry that maybe her lack of energy didn’t have anything to do with her granddaughter’s accident. Maybe there was something wrong with her, too.
But after getting the call from Erin two days earlier, after getting excited about the dinner party, she dismissed the idea that she might be sick. Her tiredness had nothing to do with her health. She was merely staggering under the reality of Hayley’s situation.
“Ashley?” Elizabeth craned her neck toward the stairway and waited for an answer from her middle daughter. Cole was out back playing, and Ashley was working at the easel in the upstairs guest room.
“Yeah, Mom?”
“Could you help me with the salad, please?” Elizabeth didn’t need the help so much as she needed the company. She treasured the moments with her family more since Hayley’s drowning, if that was possible. Every day was golden, and no one knew when things might change. Life had at least taught her that much.
“Sure.” She heard Ashley climb down off her stool. “Be right there.”
Elizabeth opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bag of fresh vegetables. A head of lettuce, two green peppers, an onion, and a tomato. She set them on the counter and checked on the chicken covered in the refrigerator and marinating in her special sweet-and-sour sauce. Time to start cooking; her family would arrive in less than an hour. She lifted the casserole dish into the oven, adjusted the dial, and heard the heating element click on.
Then she leaned against the counter and watched Ashley come off the stairs into the kitchen. “Let me wash up first.”
Elizabeth studied her. Something wasn’t right with her, something in her eyes. “You okay, honey?”
Her answer was quick. “Fine.”
“Do you have an appointment yet?”
“No . . .” Ashley smiled and locked eyes with her for a few seconds. “It’s okay, Mom. Years could’ve gone by before I found out about the blood test. There’s no need to rush into treatment. Besides, I’m not ready to be a full-time patient yet. I feel too good still.”
“But it could help.”
“Mom . . .” Ashley lifted her eyes from the running water where she was washing her hands. “Can we talk about something else?”
Elizabeth winced, cut by her daughter’s question. She’d always prided herself in not pushing her kids, not nagging them. Setting an example, teaching them the ways of God, and then letting them make their own decisions. But now . . . now nothing seemed certain. She rolled up her sleeves and pulled two knives from the drawer—one for Ashley, one for herself.
After a few minutes of silent chopping, Elizabeth froze over a piece of green pepper and looked at Ashley. “Sorry. I don’t mean to push.”
Ashley leaned closer and kissed her on the cheek. “I know. We’re all feeling it these days.”
“I guess.” Elizabeth pushed the knife through the pepper again. “It’s just . . . I don’t think I can handle anything else happening, you know?”
A distant look flashed in Ashley’s eyes and she nodded. “I know.”
Elizabeth drew a deep breath through her nose. “That’s why I’m glad about tonight.” She gave Ashley a quick smile. “There’s a reason why we called everyone together for dinner.”
“A reason?” Ashley stopped and stared at her. “You mean an announcement or something?”
“Yes.” Elizabeth gave her a teasing look. “And you’ll have to wait like everyone else.”
Ashley hesitated, as if she might beg for details. Then she seemed to change her mind as she went back to chopping. “Good. We could all use a little happy news.”
After that they worked in silence, and Elizabeth thought about the gathering tonight, the people who were coming. The list was shorter these days, and that was something else that troubled her. Ryan and Kari and Jessie would be there, and Ashley and Cole. Brooke would come with Maddie, as long as things were stable for Hayley. But Peter had declined, and earlier today Elizabeth had shared with John her fears about their daughter’s marriage.
“Things are bad between them.” They’d been on the patio off their bedroom, sharing coffee and a morning Bible reading. “Peter’s worried about Hayley, obviously. But something else.”
John had gazed into his coffee cup. “One of the pharmacists told me Peter’s been picking up more painkillers than usual. Says they’re for his patients, but some of the patients have names the pharmacist hasn’t heard of.”
The river of fear and worry in Elizabeth’s soul was already at flood levels. She stared at John and set her cup down. “You think . . . you think he could be using them? for himself?”
“It’s possible. I can’t figure why else he hasn’t been around.”
“He and Brooke weren’t doing well before . . . before the accident.” Elizabeth folded her hands tight against each other. Her fingers were cold, the way they always were lately. “Maybe that’s why.”
“Maybe.”
The memory of that earlier conversation faded, and Elizabeth scooped the green-pepper pieces i
nto the salad bowl. Either way, Peter wouldn’t be here tonight, and Elizabeth was beginning to wonder. If Hayley was ever well enough to go home, would she have a family to go back to?
Poor Hayley . . . lying there in that bed, trapped in a body that no longer remembered how to be a little girl. Sometimes at night Elizabeth could do nothing more than go to bed early and cry herself to sleep, remembering the happy sprite Hayley had been before the accident, the way she’d looked all decked out like an angel at Kari and Ryan’s wedding.
No, it would be a long time before Hayley would join them for dinner. Maybe never. And Hayley wasn’t the only one missing, of course.
Erin and Sam were gone, making their new life far away from Bloomington. They were doing well in Texas from everything Erin had told her. The teaching job was perfect, and Sam was making strong inroads with his company’s management team. They’d stay in Texas indefinitely, no doubt. Or at least until Sam was ready to work for another firm.
Then there was Luke . . .
She’d always known he would leave home one day, but it all happened so fast. His rebellion after September 11, the way he kept his distance while God chased him down, and then as soon as their son was back in their lives, he was gone again. Off to New York, where he and Reagan and Tommy would maybe find time once a year for a visit back to Indiana.
A single tear slid down Elizabeth’s cheek, and she wiped it with the back of her hand.
“Mom?” Ashley set her knife down and looked at her. “You okay?”
“Yes.” Elizabeth sniffed and reached for a tissue from the box beside the sink. “I’m sorry. I promised myself I’d be happy today.”
“It’s okay.” She put her arm around Elizabeth’s shoulder. “You don’t have to be happy all the time, Mom. You’ve spent a lifetime being happy for us, celebrating with us, making sure we had happy times together. This—” she shrugged and tossed her free hand in the air—“this is one of those sad seasons, that’s all.”
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