by Peggy Dulle
“That’s just high school stuff,” I told him.
He shook his head. “When we were on the cruise, you wouldn’t even get in the water.”
“I hate the water.”
“But you went scuba diving with him?”
I shrugged.
“And you vetoed all those wonderful excursions, like the ATV Adventure and Extreme Canopy. I bet you would have done them with Kenny.”
“Maybe,” I told him, “in my youth, but I’m older now and smarter.”
“I bet you had some great times with Kenny.”
I laughed.
“Tell me about them,” Tom said.
“Oh, no, things that are done in the past – should stay in the past.”
“Come on, Liza.” Tom rubbed his face against mine sending a ripple of pleasure down my spine. Then he added, “And what was Jordan talking about when she said the moratorium had lifted?”
I sighed.
Tom pulled me closer to his chest and wrapped his arms tighter around me. “Take your time, Liza.”
“Well, you know about Sandy?”
“She was your best friend that was killed, right?”
“Yes. After she was killed, I suffered with nightmares and panic attacks. If we talked about Sandy, they got worse – so in my family, we didn’t talk about her. They called it the Liza Moratorium.”
“What’s that got to do with Kenny?”
“After Kenny disappeared, I think my family was afraid that the nightmares would come back, so they instituted the moratorium again. You can’t discuss any of my craziness from high school without talking about Kenny.”
“And did the nightmares come back?”
“No. I was older and, sure, I missed Kenny, but I had college, the credential program, student teaching, and, finally, teaching to fill my life.”
“So tell me about all the craziness,” Tom chuckled.
“I’ll tell you about one.”
“Okay, I want to know about the one that I think is the most important.”
“What’s that?”
“What happened at that Halloween Party.”
My eyes shot up, and my pulse accelerated. “We told you. We got drunk, got sick and threw up.”
“Nope. Every high school kid drinks too much and gets sick. It’s like a rite of passage. But the two of you did it, and neither of you ever drank again. Now with Kenny’s history and the fact that his mom drank and picked up losers, I can understand why he wouldn’t drink, but you don’t either, so I think there is more to the story, and I’d like to hear it.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s old history.”
“Then you shouldn’t have any problem sharing it,” Tom insisted.
I turned and leaned back against Tom again.
“Come on, Liza. I won’t judge you. I just want to understand the relationship you have with him. I get that you bonded that first day of high school, but eventually you should have taken on other friends, but you didn’t. At that Halloween party you both got sick, but then you were even closer.”
“How do you figure that?” I asked him.
“Your dad said that he practically lived at your house his senior year.”
“I guess he did. Maybe it was because of what went on at his house.”
“Domestic violence doesn’t just start one day. It usually starts from the beginning of a relationship and continues until someone dies, gets put in jail, or leaves. And Kenny’s mother had a history of continuing that cycle over and over with the men she chose, so it wasn’t something that was new to him.”
“We are just good friends,” I told him.
“No, it’s more than that. I’ve seen two cops go through an ordeal together, and they bond so tightly that it’s as if they are one person. You and Kenny have that. Damn, you finish each other’s sentences. So tell me what happened.”
I sighed. “Okay. We just went to a Halloween party.”
“What costumes did you two wear?” Tom asked.
“Kenny was the Dark Knight, and I went as Superwoman. The two of us were always talking about being superheroes and saving the world. God, he looked cool in that costume.”
Tom chuckled. “I know the way you feel about a man in a uniform.”
I smiled and leaned back closer. “I love the way you look in your uniform.”
“Thank you. Now back to the story.”
I huffed. I really didn’t want to re-live that experience again.
“Take your time, Liza. I’ve got all night.” Tom wrapped his arms tighter around me.
“Okay. We were drinking screwdrivers.”
“Orange juice and vodka. It’s a typical kids’ drink. You can’t really taste the vodka if you put in enough orange juice.”
“I never liked the taste of alcohol, still don’t, but I could drink the screwdriver. There were lots of snacks to eat, like chips and cookies, but we all got hungry, so we ordered pizza.”
“And since your parents were strict vegans, you ordered and consumed several slices of all meat pizza.”
“Yep,” I smiled. Being the child of two ecologically minded parents wasn’t fun. We never ate meat and only got recycled birthday cards.
“More drinking,” Tom prompted.
“Oh, yeah, I think we started on tequila shots when the vodka was gone.”
I felt Tom shudder.
“Then everyone started pairing up and going into the bedrooms.”
“If I understand what I’ve heard so far this evening, you two didn’t have that kind of relationship, right?”
“No, we didn’t.”
“So what did you two do?”
“We paired off and went into a bedroom.”
“How far did it go?” Tom whispered.
“We were very analytical. We were both seventeen and virgins. We decided that if everyone else was doing it, we should see what it was all about.”
“How far did it go?” Tom repeated his earlier question.
I shook my head. “It went all the way. We took it slow since Kenny had a few issues.”
“He’s gay?” Tom asked.
I laughed until tears came down my face. “Oh, wait until I tell him that you think he’s gay. That’s hilarious.”
“He isn’t?”
I shook my head.
“Look at him through my eyes, Liza. He’s got quite a few feminine mannerisms. His best friend is a girl and - I can’t believe I am saying this, but he’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.”
“His mom used to call him Angelface,” I told Tom.
“That’s a good description. So if he isn’t gay, what were the issues?”
“Let’s just say some of his mom’s loser boyfriends also found Kenny attractive, especially because he was so small.”
Tom nodded, his mood turning grave.
“That was one good thing that came out of the Halloween party. Kenny found out he loved sex. Remember I said that senior year I beat off the girls with a stick?”
“Yes.”
“Well, he caught quite a few, too. Do you know what he told me?”
“I have no idea, given your relationship with him.”
“He said having a partner was so much better than doing it himself.” I laughed.
Tom shook his head. “Too much information, and I think you just changed the subject. Finish the story. What happened after the party?”
I did not want to finish the story. Maybe I could distract him. “Kenny and I loved each other. We had sex, and it was very nice. Then later, I was engaged to John, and our relationship went physical and it was very nice, too. But with you it is different.”
Tom’s eyes narrowed. “It’s not nice with me?”
“Of course it is, but it was different right from the start. You don’t think I make a habit out of sleeping with someone in a hotel room after only knowing them a few days, do you?”
“No?” Tom asked, tentatively.
I hit him on the shoulder. “Of cou
rse not. With you, it was all fireworks and explosions from the first moment I met you.”
Tom smiled.
I leaned in and we shared a long kiss. My skin tingled and warmed as desire swept through me. I pointed to the goose bumps on my arm and said, “See, you make me tingle.”
Tom brushed my hair out of my eyes and tucked it behind my ears. “Stop trying to distract me. Finish the story.”
“I told you we were sick as dogs. End of story.”
“No, that’s not the end. What happened after you finished having sex?”
“We got dressed, I think. At least I assume so. The next thing I remember was waking up at my house. Dad says I called him, and he came and got us, but I don’t remember that. Then he and Mom took care of the both of us. Kenny and I took turns puking our guts out in the toilet. That’s how Jordan found out about it. End of story.”
“Liza,” Tom’s voice was soft but insistent.
“Okay. When we both felt better again, we realized something.”
“What?”
“We weren’t worried about any diseases since we were both virgins, but we hadn’t used any protection. Three days after the party, Kenny found me on the floor of my bedroom. I couldn’t breathe.”
“You were having a panic attack, like you had when you thought you would die in the abandoned mine and then again when you thought we would all drown?”
“Yes, they came with the nightmares after my best friend, Sandy, was taken and killed. I hadn’t had any for years until I thought I was pregnant.”
“Were you pregnant?”
“No, but every day the panic attacks got stronger. Kenny would come in the morning. He was always by my side when I woke up. I’d go in the bathroom. If I wasn’t sure that I wasn’t pregnant, the attack would start. He’d talk me through them. It was like he held me on the ledge. A week later, I think he started to panic too. We both knew that if I was pregnant, I wouldn’t get an abortion. He would go from part time to full time at the grocery store where he worked after school. Neither of us would go to college. We’d get married and soon start to hate each other.”
“Okay, I know I don’t want you to stop the story, but your panic attacks scare the hell out of me. How did he talk you through them?”
“He has a system.”
“Teach it to me.”
“Okay, but you’ve got to switch gears to do it.”
“I don’t understand. What do you mean?”
“Okay, you know how I don’t like anyone to tell me what to do or what I can and can’t do?”
“Oh, yeah,” Tom said.
“And you know that tone you use with me sometimes that makes me angry?”
“The one where you hang up on me?”
I nodded.
“Yes, I try to be very careful to not be your boss or use that tone with you.”
“Well, when I am in the middle of a panic attack, I don’t have any control of my emotions or heart rate or breathing, and I need someone to take control.”
“You give that control over to Kenny?” Tom asked, his voice clearly skeptical.
“Yes.”
“How?”
I turned my body so I sat facing him. “Okay, the first thing you have to do is tell me to close my eyes.”
“Close your eyes?”
“Use the tone I hate,” I told him.
“Liza, shut your eyes,” Tom said sternly.
I immediately shut my eyes, then opened them up again. “That’s perfect.”
“Then what?”
“Tell me to give you my hands.”
Tom put his hand out as if to grab mine.
“No, don’t do it. Tell me to do it. Then let me put my hands out, touch your palm to mine and then wrap your fingers down over my hands.”
“Liza, give me your hands,” Tom returned to his stern voice.
I immediately put my hands out, and Tom took them and engulfed my hands in his. It was weird to watch it with my eyes open and not be in the middle of a panic attack. Tom’s hands were a lot bigger than Kenny’s.
“Then say 'head.’”
“No telling, just the word.”
“Yes, because by having my eyes closed and you holding my hands, I will start to ground myself to you, and I don’t hear very much at this point. I will lean forward, and you place your forehead on mine.”
“Head,” Tom said, using that same stern voice.
I laughed.
“What?”
“At this point you could sing the word. I just will automatically do it. It’s all part of the procedure that Kenny developed to help me get through the attacks.”
“Okay, head.”
I closed my eyes again and leaned forward and felt Tom’s forehead touch mine. I stayed there for a few minutes, enjoying the sense of grounding with Tom. It was nice. Then I opened up my eyes, “Hi, Tom.”
He smiled and said, “That’s it?”
“Oh, no. Now that I’m grounded, you have to get me out of the panic attack.”
“You won’t be out of it at this point?” Tom asked.
“No. I need to count backwards starting at ten.”
“Just count backwards?”
“Make sure that I breathe in between each number. If I try to rush through the numbers, you’ll have to revert to your mean voice and stop me and make me start counting at ten again.”
“It’s not a mean voice,” Tom insisted.
“It sounds mean to me,” I told him.
“Let me try one time without your prompting.”
“Okay.”
We went through the routine three more times until Tom was satisfied. I was bored after the first one. It’s weird and seemed silly to go through it when I was not in the middle of a panic attack.
I turned around and leaned against Tom’s chest again. That was a great way to be grounded too.
“Let’s get back to the story.”
“Ah,” I groaned. “Do we have to?”
I felt Tom nod. “How many days before you knew that you weren’t pregnant?”
“Twenty-seven excruciatingly long days. On the day I got my period and knew I wasn’t pregnant, I came out of the bathroom crying. Kenny sat on the ground and cried with me.”
Tom rubbed my arms, and I leaned my head on his arm. We sat there for a long time together, not talking. I don’t know what Tom was thinking about, but I thought about how the story might have turned out differently if I had been pregnant.
Finally, I turned in his arms and said, “That’s the whole painful story. We were young and stupid.”
“Hey, I did marry the girl I got pregnant, and you were right about what would happen next.”
“I didn’t know that Pamela was pregnant when you got married.”
“Yes, she was. We didn’t have the same relationship that you and Kenny had. We were sexually active with each other. We were high school and then college sweethearts. And before you ask, no, it’s not why I married her. I had already asked her to marry me, and she was in the middle of the wedding plans when she turned up pregnant. All we did was move the wedding from June to January.”
“But Michael is not that old,” I said after doing some quick calculations in my head.
“No, Pamela lost the baby when she was six months pregnant.” Tom’s face remained the same, but I could see the pain in his eyes. It still hurt him.
“I’m sorry.” I put my hand on his arm.
He nodded and gave me a small smile.
“Now can I put the ring on my finger?” I asked.
“No. I want to know Kenny’s Stretch. There is a spark in your eyes when you are around him that I don’t get to see very often.”
“You don’t love the Liza you know?”
“Oh, I love her,” Tom leaned in and gave me a long and luscious kiss, then pulled away and added, “but I’m just not sure I know ALL of her.”
I grabbed a handful of Tom’s shirt and said, “Well, the Liza you know wants to go into the bedro
om, strip down, and get into bed.”
A slow grin spread across Tom’s face.
“But the Stretch inside of me wants you here and now.”
“Fuck a duck,” Tom said. “I knew I would love Stretch.”
Chapter 4
Thinking back on those days at the beach brought a smile to my lips. Kenny, Dad and Jordan went home that next morning. Tom and I stayed for another day. It was glorious. Tom cooked, I ate, and we made love. All the weeks of being separated slipped away and we were truly together again.
I finished the school year with my wonderful class, putting on a play, doing assessments and completing their report cards and having Kindergarten Graduation. I love their little blue cardboard hats with the tassels. Our first grade buddy class always graduates them by moving the tassels – it is so cute. I bought a new car, another Jeep, but this time I bought a dark blue Jeep Wrangler sport with a soft top and a roll bar. It cost more than the last Jeep, but I figured if I ever put it in a ditch it was built to handle it.
Tom still won’t let me put the ring back on and it’s starting to piss me off. I should be married, living in his beautiful house nestled in the pine trees, watching my dog run around with Tom’s dog, Duke, and thinking about starting the school year at a new school. Now I am waffling between sending in a letter of resignation to my own district and looking for a job in Gainesville, or neither, or both.
The phone rang and I glanced over. It was Kenny.
“I miss you,” I told him before he could speak.
“Do you want me to move permanently to California?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Then I needed to drive back to Nashville, put my house up for sale or lease and take care of a few things. I’ll be back in a couple of weeks.”
“It would be sooner if you weren’t so afraid to fly,” I told him.
“I like driving, Stretch.”
“You could use the same procedure you do on me when I have a panic attack and then you’d be gone less time.”
“Who would I get to hold my hand?” Kenny asked.
“I bet you could talk a stewardess into holding it.”
“I can usually talk most women into just about anything,” Kenny remarked smugly, then asked, “How are you doing getting that ring back on your finger?”
“I’m not doing well at all,” I whined. “Tom keeps saying he wants to spend more time with Stretch.”