by Jay McLean
“Becca, it’s not about that,” he says quickly. “It’s about me loving you.”
“I know that. You’ve shown me that. You and Tommy both. And that’s why I wanted to talk to you about all this. When I saw him today and he showed me that he’d been learning sign language, he took that fear, that disappointment I’d been drowning in, and he took it all away.
“I can’t even begin to describe in words how much it means to me that you’ve all found a way to make me feel like this impairment isn’t an impairment at all. You’ve made me feel like I’m part of something, and that my inability to speak is something I’ll never have to worry about. You’ve made me feel accepted, something I struggle with daily, but more than that… you’ve given me hope, Josh.”
His hands tighten on my knees, letting me know he’s heard me.
I sniff back a sob. “You’ve given me so much hope. And I don’t think I even realized that that’s what I’ve been searching for this whole time. Walking away from that hospital room and away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
I let my emotions control me a moment, struggling to see through my tears. Josh stays silent, knowing there’s more, knowing I’m about to give him everything.
“I left because I thought I needed to grow, needed to find myself, and I did. To an extent. But I never felt whole, never felt complete, not until I had you and Tommy again, and I know that’s pathetic—”
“It’s not,” he interrupts.
“But it’s the truth,” Cordy says over him.
I look up at him. He’s shaking his head. “You had every right to leave me, Becs. I said and did horrible things—”
“You were hurting. I should’ve been there for you.”
“You didn’t cause my hurt, though. I caused yours.”
The alarm on my phone sounds and I stand quickly. “Get up,” I sign.
He stands, his eyes narrowed in confusion.
“Stand still.”
“Okay?”
I sign. “Don’t move.” Then I shove my phone in my pocket, link my fingers with his and I wait.
Right on cue, the train’s whistle blows, echoing through the night. A moment later, the all-too-familiar sound of the birds cawing fills my ears. Josh tries to move, but I grasp his hands tighter and mouth, “Don’t move.”
He nods, but there’s a fear in his eyes that has my lips twitching with a smile.
The birds grow louder, now mixing with the sound of their flapping wings.
I close my eyes, waiting for the moment.
The air changes, rushes of wind prickling my skin, and I know they’re close.
“Becca…” Josh says. “They’re coming right for—”
He doesn’t get a chance to finish before the birds swarm, flying between us and around us, their wings brushing against our bodies but never right at us. It lasts only a few seconds, five at most, and then it’s silent again.
Like a true athlete, Josh soaks in the adrenaline and stands unmoving, waiting for it to pass. “Holy shit!” he breathes out. “What the fuck was that?”
Grinning, I pull out my phone again. “Cool, huh?”
He shakes his head while sucking in a huge breath. “You do this a lot, I take it?”
I nod.
“Why?” he asks.
Cordy says for me, “Because it teaches me that if I stand tall, brave, and unwilling to back down, then the chaos, the destruction—it can’t attack me. It can’t touch me. It makes me feel invincible.”
He laughs a disbelieving laugh and pulls me into his arms. “You’re some kind of phenomenal, Becca Owens,” he murmurs, kissing the top of my head.
I squeeze my hands between us so I can type, “This is my second favorite place in the entire world.”
“Oh yeah? Where’s your first?”
“Right here. In your arms.”
* * *
We sit and watch the sunrise from the rooftop, his legs on either side of mine, his arms around me, cocooning me, unknowingly protecting me.
“You know what the dictionary definition of coast is, Becs?”
I shake my head and face him.
“It’s where the land meets the sea.” He presses his lips to my temple. “What if you were the land, and I were the sea? What if the coast we’d been searching for was us all along… living and existing together…?”
We count down the minutes until we have to live and exist apart again. But something’s changed between us, something that confirms my hope. That regardless of how far apart we might be physically, there’s something that holds us together, keeps us close, keeps us us.
All three of us.
* * *
The car ride home is spent in silence, our embrace the only thing we need to communicate how we feel. No goodbyes. No see-you-laters. No unspoken promises.
“You know,” I sign, turning to him when I reach my front door. “If you wanted to shout it from the rooftops—about you and me—I might not be as mad as you think.”
He smiles at that, kisses me once, and makes his way down the porch steps and into the waiting car.
I walk through the house as quietly as possible, even though I’m sure Dad’s awake, waiting for me to arrive safely. I crawl into bed, letting the exhaustion take over me. I’m almost asleep when my phone chimes in my back pocket, alerting me of a notification. A few seconds later, the alerts are constant, vibrating against my butt. I pull out my phone and with one eye open, I tap on the screen. It’s an Instagram post from Josh that he’d tagged me in—a picture he’d taken the first night he spent here. I’m lying in the crook of his arm, half my face hidden in his chest. I’d been shy, I remember, because I’d just walked out of the bathroom naked after making love for the second time. Even though the blanket’s pulled up to my chin, you can tell that we’re naked, and going by the flush in our cheeks, it’s obvious what we’d been doing. I should be mad that of all the pictures he’d taken of us, he’d chosen this one. But I’m not. I’m almost proud, and that pride turns to pure joy when I read the caption beneath it:
My Heart.
My World.
My Coast.
My Becca.
* * *
Josh: Two things. And please don’t be mad.
Becca: About that Instagram post? I’m not mad.
Josh: No. I mean, it’s good you’re not mad about that but that’s not what I wanted to tell you.
Becca: Oh no.
Josh: Where’s your car?
Becca: Dad likes for me to keep it in the garage. Why?
Josh: Oh.
Becca: Why?!
Josh: Because when you told me you had a job and you wouldn’t tell me why, I assumed it was because you were saving for a car. So I kind of maybe ordered you one online while you were sleeping. It’s being delivered today.
Becca: What?! You can’t just “order me a car”!!!
Josh: Clearly I can, because I did. Also, I accidentally stole your bra and panties. Please don’t tell your dad.
34
—Joshua—
“Wake up, white boy,” Nico says, slapping my face. “Funny. Your hair still looks stupid today.”
“Fuck off.”
“Wheels up in three hours.”
“It’s like the ass-crack of dawn. Who the hell flies a plane this early?”
“Maybe if you’d gotten some sleep instead of chatting with your girl all night, you’d be well-rested like me.”
“How long is this flight again?”
“Fifteen hours,” he sings.
“Fuck.”
“We’re flying commercial, too. And Chris could only get four seats in first class, so you’re in coach.”
“When the hell was that decided?”
“In Mexico when you were in the hotel room chatting with your girl.”
“Ugh.”
“Ugh all you want, but that’s what happens when you decide not to take part in team activities.”
“Catching food p
oisoning and spending the next few days hugging a toilet bowl is team development now?”
He shakes his head at me. “Just get your ass dressed and meet us outside. My grandma’s driving us to the airport.”
“She finally got her U.S license?” I ask, slipping on a shirt.
“Nope.”
* * *
Becca: I’m about to get on the plane. By the time I land, you’ll be in the air. Sigh. I miss you, Skater Boy.
Josh: I’m going to video call you as soon as I land. I don’t have the mental capacity or mathematical knowhow to work out what time it will be for you so I won’t be mad if you don’t answer. Give your grams a kiss for me. I love you.
Becca: In all ways. For always.
* * *
It’s easy to jump to conclusions, to let your worst fears take hold of you and not think logically. Especially when you get off a fifteen-hour flight, switch on your phone and get a message from your mom saying that you needed to call her right away.
“Josh,” she says, her voice a whisper.
“What’s going on, Ma?” I ask, trying to work through the crowd at Hong Kong International while not losing sight of my teammates. “Is it Tommy? Is he okay? Becca? Chaz?”
“Josh,” she says again.
“Just say it, Mom.”
She sobs into the phone, making me freeze in my spot. I drop my luggage, causing someone to trip over it. People move around me, shoving me from side to side and all I can do is stand there, listening to my mother cry. “Mom?”
“Tommy’s fine. But there’s been an accident, sweetheart, and you need to come home.”
PART IV
35
Journal
Darkness seeps in my veins like acid poured in my soul until grief is my only burden.
I have no concept of time.
Of lights and shadows.
Of sounds and silence.
There’s only pain.
Too afraid to sleep,
Yet too afraid to breathe.
I lie on the floor.
In her room.
Right where her bed used to be.
I stare at the ceiling.
Unblinking.
Unthinking.
Unexisting.
I block out the voices in my head.
The constant humming of voices downstairs.
The car rounded the corner too fast, they said.
But I know.
I saw it in her eyes.
Right before she walked in front of it.
I saw her.
I saw it all.
I wish her God had taken my sight instead of my voice.
Because then I wouldn’t have to see it.
Over and over.
And maybe, I could’ve begged her to stop.
Just… stop.
~ ~
—Becca—
“I hate you the most, Becca.”
I wake up gasping for air and blinking back tears… tears caused by the nightmare. It’s light out, the curtains are wide open, and I try to recall when I did that. I didn’t. I fell asleep where I lay, forced numbness on my mind. Voices sound, filtering from downstairs, but none of them belong to the one person I want to hear. “He caught the company jet from LAX,” I hear Josh’s mom say. “He should touch down within an hour.” I don’t know how long I’ve slept. I don’t know what time it is. What day it is. All I know is the nightmare is still there, infiltrating my mind, just like it has many times, only this time I don’t treat it as a dream. I treat it as a memory. As a sign. And with false determination, I pick myself slowly up off the floor and make my way to Grams’s bathroom. I shower, get lost in the heat of the water, and make sure to clear my face of the tears that have lived there. I need to do this, I convince myself. I need to be this.
For him.
Both Ella and Josh’s uncle Robby are standing in the kitchen, no Tommy in sight. “Hey sweetheart,” Ella says, approaching me slowly. I raise my hands between us, not wanting to be touched. “Josh will be home soon,” she says, her voice cracking, signs of rejection and hurt hidden in her fake smile. “Are you hungry? I can fix you something? You haven’t left that room for”—she looks at her watch—“too long.”
“I’m not hungry,” I sign.
“I’m really sorry, Becca. About everything,” Rob says, moving around the kitchen counter. He doesn’t make a move to touch me.
“You look really nice,” says Ella.
I look over at her—at the lack of make-up revealing the dark circles around her eyes.
“Is that a new dress?”
I realize her voice isn’t husky from her emotions. That, unlike me, she hasn’t been able to sleep at all. I wonder if that makes me a horrible person. Maybe I don’t know how to mourn. How to grieve. I didn’t shed a tear when my mother died. Not even at her funeral.
“It’s Josh’s favorite,” I sign. “I thought it would be nice for him to see me in it when he comes home.” Strange that I can cry thinking about Josh—hoping that I can take some of his anger and pain away with a stupid dress, but I can’t seem to feel anything when it comes to losing my grandmother—a woman who took me in when no one else could.
“He’ll love it,” Ella says.
“I think…” I begin to sign, but pause, my hands freezing mid-movement. The memories hit me again, like physical punches to the gut, making me weak. Blinking hard, I attempt to push them away and continue, “Josh doesn’t handle bad news very well. He might get physical. Or say and do things that are hurtful but he doesn’t mean them. He’s just… hurting. And I think it’s really important we stay strong and be there for him. Okay?”
Ella stares at me a long time before switching her gaze to Robby, who has no idea what all I just said. “Okay,” she says. “We’ll be strong. For Josh.”
I nod, quickly swiping at the tears on my cheeks. “I’m going to wait for him outside. On the porch steps. He loves the porch steps…” I contain my sob, just long enough to add, “It’s where we fell in love.”
But the porch steps are only half of what they used to be, and it’s not the same.
Nothing’s the same.
It never will be.
I pick wildly at the bolts that keep the stupid ramp in place until the tips of my fingers begin to throb. And then I use my entire hand, trying in vain to loosen them so I can remove the ramp because it doesn’t fucking belong here. Grams hated it here! My thumb catches on a spike of metal on the bolt, and I do it again and again, wanting to feel the pain, waiting to feel the numbness it will soon create.
I angrily swat a hand off my shoulder, not bothering to see who it is. I just want them to leave me alone so I can get this damn bolt off and move to the next so I can get back our steps.
Voices.
So many voices.
I blink hard, trying to rid the voices, but they’re everywhere.
Behind me.
Above me.
Inside me.
Grams likes the quiet.
She doesn’t need all these damn voices.
“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” I yell. No one hears. They never do. “Grams is resting, dammit! Shut. Up!”
The bolts are red now, covered in my blood. Blood I didn’t know was there.
“Becca?” Ella says.
“Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.”
A hand covers mine, stopping me from my task, and I flinch against his touch. But then I realize it’s safe. His touch is safe. I look up to see dark and wary eyes watching me. “It needs to go, Josh,” I sign. “These are our steps and they’re not the same with this stupid ramp here. These are our steps and this is Grams’s house!” I wipe my face on my forearm, letting my tears and sweat soak through my skin. “Someone’s going to take her house and our steps, and it won’t be the same! It won’t be the same, Josh! It won’t!” I pick at the bolts again, my tears falling, seeping into the grains of the timber.
“Becca…” he whispers, his breaths heavy. “I won’t l
et anything happen to the house, okay? I promise. Just please stop. You’re hurting yourself.” He yanks on my hands, but I keep them in place. “Please, baby.” He cups my jaw with one hand, his thumb swiping at my cheek, while the other hand takes both of mine and holds them to his chest. His gaze shifts behind me, and he nods once. The loud blaring of a drill fills my ears, and I cringe at the sound. “Stop!” I yell, but it’s silent. Still, Josh sees it, sees me, and his eyes narrow in question. “Grams is resting.”
—Joshua—
I’d given Chris the news and parted ways with the rest of the team at the airport. I’d spent five hours there waiting for the next available flight, sitting on my phone, trying to research all the ways a person can suffer from grief. I wanted to be ready for anything when I got home. I’d been through this with Tommy before, and while his and my father’s relationship was short lived, they were still close. I didn’t want to compare which loss would be greater for him, and I definitely didn’t want to assume. He was older now, and a lot more in tune with what went on in the world. I’d be there for him, but I’d let him grieve in his own way.
Becca, though—I had no idea what to expect with Becca. I didn’t even know what to search to find out.
How does a person with a history of depression deal with death?
How does a person with a history of abuse handle grief?
What to expect when someone with a mental history loses a loved one?
How to be there for someone who’s lost a grandparent.
The list went on and on, and it did nothing to clear my head and lessen my assumptions, but it did help deflect from my own feelings—feelings I wasn’t ready to recognize.
Not yet.
I waited until I was on the plane, until we were in the air and the meals had been served, and the cabin lights were dimmed to pull the thin blanket the airline provided over my head so I could shield the other passengers from my cries. I let the memories flood me, let it all sink in, and I let it hurt. Because I know better than anyone that it’s not worth losing control of your actions, control of yourself, just to hold it all inside and one day explode, destroying everything that mattered to you. I sobbed into the blanket, curled into myself, my body shaking with the force, until I had no tears left to cry. And at some point—I don’t know how, I don’t know why—I just stopped.