Madame Cadavre Exquis inspires Zombies everywhere by reminding us of the famous Terracotta Army, discovered in 1974 in the province of Lintong, Xian, Shaanxi Province, China. The army was found in mammoth vaults, or pits, beneath the earth near the tomb of Emperor Qin Shihuang. These thousands of life-size warriors—archers, cavalry, and infantry—have waited to be excavated and animated for more than two millennia. It has been estimated that it took 720,000 builders thirty-eight years to create this, the ideal Horde Army. We keep hope, er, alive that just the right Virus will come along to awaken them, perhaps even as the last soldier is excavated from terra firma.
The Terracotta Army awaits animation
The Commanding Corpse who thoroughly understands the advantages that accompany variations of tactics knows how to handle his Horde. Mix it up. Strike back with a severed arm or leg. Stab your foe with detached digits. Comrade lost his head? Hurl it into their midst. The leader who does not understand these options may be well acquainted with the configuration of the country, yet will not be able to turn his knowledge to practical account, or to victory.
Hence, the Zombie student of war who is unversed in The Art of War for Zombies and varying his plans will fail to make the best use of his faculties such as they may be.
In the wise Zombie leader’s plans, considerations of advantage and of disadvantage will be blended together. Remember the Zombie advantages: We. Are. Unstoppable. Shock and Awe? We invented it. We laugh, or rather moan, at traumatic injury. And we are unrelenting in our pursuit of our goal: BRRRAAAIIINNNS! Oh, that and GLOBAL SUPREMACY. If our expectation of advantage be tempered in this way, we may succeed in accomplishing the essential aim of our scheme... feasting on Gray Matter!
And if, in the midst of difficulties, we are always ready to seize an advantage, we may also extricate ourselves from misfortune, and turn the tables on our Enemy. Reduce hostile Mortal chiefs by inflicting damage on them. Make trouble for them, and keep them constantly engaged. Just when they think There Are No More Zombies, send out another plodding corpse. Hold out specious allurements, like Twizzlers and Slim Jims, and make them rush to any given point, where others of our number are waiting with clawing, grasping arms. BWAHAHA!
The Art of War for Zombies teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the Enemy’s not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him. And consume him. Fortunately, we’re always ready for a sapient snack. Further, rely not on the chance of the Enemy’s not attacking, but rather on the fact that we have made our position unassailable. Especially those of us in Quarantine.
There are five dangerous faults which affect Mortal generals and our prey in general...to our favor! They are:
Recklessness, which leads to destruction. Who, pray tell, is reckless? The “Hero” of a thousand faces. The Loner who believes he is the hot shot who will save the world. The Antihero. The Underdog. The Rookie, who seeks to prove his worth. Or the Nerd, who seeks to impress the opposite sex. Lord, what fools these Mortals be!
Cowardice. Yellow-bellied, lily-livered, chicken-hearted (wait, I’m getting hungry) Humans who just go to pieces (when we’re done with ‘em) at the sight of a few shambling Zombies heading their way. Which leads to their capture. And our lunch break.
A hasty temper. Humans with anger management issues can easily be provoked, not by Zombies, but by close relatives, Human rivals for possible mates, or cable company employees. While they’re busy beating their chests, step in and take a bite out of the situation.
A delicacy of honor and fear of shame. When it comes to Zombies, there is no delicacy. Our watchwords: No guts, no glory!
Over-solicitude for his soldiers. The Human leader who is a caring father figure will expose himself to worry, sleepless nights, jangled nerves, lowered resistance, and Zombies! Another easy target.
LET THESE
TOPICS PROVIDE
GRAY MATTER
FOR THOUGHT.
nine
THE HORDE ON
THE MARCH
Zombie all
you can be
Sun-Tzumbie said: We come now to the question of encamping the Horde, and observing the movements of the Enemy. Pass quickly over open ground, where it might be easy for a sharpshooter to get in a head shot. Avoid hills, as your climbing abilities are limited. Stick to urban areas, if you must—there is an abundance of prey. Or seek the concealment of wooded areas. Before Apocalypse (BA for short), fugitive Humans eluded capture for decades by using the protective cover of the forest.
After crossing a river, shamble far from it. If you find yourself carried away by the current, wait until you wash up on the banks and continue your foray. Many Zombies have found their way to New Orleans in this manner, and it is now a trendy mecca for elite Zs, although at times it may be difficult to distinguish the Living from the Undead.
Fortunately, we ghouls are not hindered by the need for waterborne craft. It is often possible to snatch a quick meal as Humans embark and debark from their vessels. Lurking under pylons and pontoons is especially effective. If you can, upset their boat and seize them while they’re floundering around. Marvel at how they resemble us in such situations.
In crossing salt marshes, take advantage of the preservative properties of salts. With proper seasoning, you’ll stay fresh and dry for months, staving off the effects of putrefaction. The downside of salt-curing is excessively dry skin. This will peel away before too long, however, and other Zombies will admire your new, streamlined bony look.
Dry, level country favors the horizontally-abled. You will be able to heave yourself along indefinitely while taller ghouls may fall to Human attackers. Moving at ground level affords you the opportunity to bite and grasp at ankles and bring down any number of Mortals.
THE BRANCHES OF LORE
These are the four useful branches of lore referred to in The Zombie Field Manual, which enabled the great Undead Emperor Imhotep (often mistakenly referred to as “The Mummy”) to vanquish the Fourth Dynasty, as follows:
KNOW YOUR ENEMY. Humans will always choose high ground over low, and sunny places over dark. Maneuver your forces so that the sun is in their eyes. You will have the advantage of appearing darker, scarier, and more menacing. Move in darkness whenever you can. You will gain a powerful psychological advantage over the timid Gray Matter Storage Receptacles.
Humans will try to avoid country with precipitous cliffs, torrents, deep natural hollows, confined places, tangled thickets, quagmires, and crevasses. It is for this reason that these are precisely the locations to which you should direct and divert them. The more confined the space, the more difficult it will be for them to raise their weapons against you. If they can’t pull the starter cord on that chain saw, it will be worse than useless.
Beware of quagmires and quicksand, which can immobilize a Zombie already unsteady on his feet. Many an ossified Zombie has been unearthed in backwaters and bayous.
Tread carefully in marshes. Humans, taking a page out of Sun Tzumbie’s book, will lurk in ambush, or set spies to watch your movements. In such country, travel in groups. If discovered, spies must be eaten without delay.
If you are careful of your fellow Undead and maintain strict hygienic practices (being deceased is no excuse to neglect personal grooming!), you will stave off decomposition for a longer period, and be more appealing to new recruits. This will spell victory.
If the Living bluff and bluster, remaining just out of reach, they are picking a fight. Be suspicious, especially if rival sports teams are involved or beer cans are in evidence.
BE ALERT. Learn to read the signs of Humans passing. They are notoriously careless with fast-food packaging, beverage containers, and cigarette butts. Believing the Horde to be of inferior intelligence, they take little care to hide their tracks. This will lead to their doom—and your dinner.
Observe the wildlife around you. Usually wild animals will flee upon your approach, and this could reveal your position. Proceed slowly. Blundering Humans can cause similar effects
, so take note.
Take note, also, of dust clouds created by Humans. Their Hummers or Humvees create choking dust storms, and could indicate a large fleet on the hunt. Seek the cover of high grass and trees. Small dust clouds accompanied by buzzing sounds suggest one or more dirt bike or ATV riders—often reckless vigilante types with more brawn than BRRRAAAIIINNNS—not good eats. These can be easily eluded.
INTIMIDATE. Being the mighty Undead, you the Zombie are moved neither by the Mortals’ pathetic entreaties to spare their lives, nor by their battle cries. Show ’em how it’s done! Use The Moan to your best advantage when a Human attempts to communicate with you in any fashion. Sneer (if your remaining musculature permits) at their bribes.
Learn the signs of hunger among the Living. The tendency to seek out Little Debbie Snack Cake delivery trucks, Loaf ’n Jug shops, and Kwik-E Marts is a sign of desperation. Their old world order has broken down.
By the same token, be alert to signs of a trap: the door left ajar, the trail of Human detritus leading to certain death and dismemberment. Do not enter a structure unless you are certain of a meal, or backed up by reinforcements.
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF DISCORD. Be alert to signs that the Humans are squabbling amongst themselves. This situation frequently occurs in the presence of one or two fetching females and several males. The males will attempt a show of bravado, or even slay one or more of their fellows. Watch and wait. Surprisingly, often the least able male will win the attentions of the female. Then both will be easy pickings whilst the vanquished flee. The slain can then be consumed at leisure. It’s good when you can get the Humans to do your work for you.
There is no shame in an honorable retreat if one is outnumbered. The prudent Z will fall back to a safe position, and use The Moan until reinforcements show up. Few Humans can withstand a sustained Moan for very long. As your reinforcements arrive, the Humans, driven mad by the sound, will reveal their positions.
Treat your fellow Undead by the principles of Z-Etiquette, as set forth by Madame Cadavre Exquis:
Divide spoils fairly. Only Zs who participate in a kill should dine.
Rogue Zs endanger the whole unit. Cut them loose, or cut them up.
Take no prisoners, Living or Undead.
Refrain from references to a fellow Z’s former life. Like you, he or she is trying hard to adjust.
If you show confidence in your fellow Undead, and follow the directive of WORLD DOMINATION, you will never go hungry again.
CARPE CRANIUM!
The Time of Great Calamity: The twilight sky darkens with the onslaught of the Horde.
ten
TERRRAAAIIIN
Making your way through
the land of the Living
Sun-Tzumbie said: Team Zombie may distinguish six kinds of terrain.
Happy Hunting Ground
Land of No Return
No Great Shakes
Narrow Passes
Precipitous Heights
Distant Ground
1. Ground which can be freely traversed by both sides is called Happy Hunting Ground or Accessible Ground. The open fields of Pennsylvania are a prime example. With regard to ground of this nature, beat the Enemy in occupying raised, sunny spots. Or just eat the Enemy.
2. Ground which can be abandoned but is hard to re-occupy is called Land of No Return, or Entangling Ground. From a position of this sort, if the Enemy is unprepared, you may shamble forth and defeat him. But if the Enemy, especially the Redneck (see also Variables of Engagement), is prepared for your coming, and you fail to defeat him, then mayhem and keg parties will ensue.
3. When the position is such that neither side will gain by making the first move, it is called No Great Shakes, or Temporizing Ground. In a position of this sort, even though the Enemy should offer us its attractive bait (BRRRAAAIIINNNS), it will be advisable not to stumble forth, but rather to retreat, thus enticing the Human in his turn. Then, when part of his army has come out, we may deliver our attack with advantage.
4. With regard to Narrow Passes, if you can occupy them first, let them be strongly manned, er, Zombied, and await the advent of the Enemy. Should the Humans forestall you in occupying a pass, do not go after it if the pass is fully garrisoned, but only if it is weakly garrisoned. Because even though the Humans’ spirits may be willing, their flesh will be weak. But tasty nonetheless.
5. With regard to Precipitous Heights, if you are there before your adversary, occupy the raised and sunny spots and wait for him to come up. Work on your tan; perhaps it will help even out your varied skin tones. If the Enemy has occupied them before you, do not follow him, but retreat to the basement, shut off the lights, and simply wait for your foe. Humans are so bloody predictable.
When you are far from the Enemy, the land you occupy is called Distant Ground. The strength of your two armies is equal, it is not easy to provoke a battle, and fighting will be to your disadvantage. Hold off.
UNLESS TOMORROW
HAS BEEN
CANCELED DUE
TO LACK
OF INTEREST.
These six are the principles connected with Earth. The Zombie leader who has attained a responsible post must take care to study them. But the Zombie is not a quick study. Allow adequate time.
Now a Horde is exposed to SIX CALAMITIES, not arising from natural causes, but from faults for which the Zombie general is responsible. These are:
Flight, or in our case, blight
Insubordination, or in our case, incomprehension
Collapse—after our heads are severed from our bodies
Ruin—when some hothead Human blows up the Earth
Disorganization—well, we can’t help that
Rout, or in our case, rot
Thought for the day: Other conditions being equal, if one force (such as a pie) is hurled against another ten times its size (such as a Zombie), the result will be the SPLAT of the former.
When the common Zombies are too strong and their officers too weak, the result is Insubordination. Also a cry for some sort of hygiene.
When the officers are too strong and the common Zombies too weak, the result is Collapse; the Zombies go to pieces under the (Virus) strain.
When the higher officers are angry and insubordinate, and on meeting the Enemy, give battle on their own account from a feeling of resentment, before the Zombie-in-chief can tell whether or not he is in a position to fight, the result is Ruin. Zombie Leaders: Refrain from blowing your tops.
When the Horde general is weak and without authority; when his orders are not clear and distinct (Zombie leaders should possess some verbal skills and might benefit from evening ZSL classes); when there are no fixed duties assigned to officers and Zombies, and the ranks are formed in a slovenly haphazard manner, the result is utter Disorganization, a.k.a. Business As Usual.
When a Horde general, unable to estimate the Enemy’s strength, allows an inferior force to engage a larger one, or hurls a weak detachment (or a former attachment, such as an arm or leg) against a powerful one, and neglects to place pocked, er, picked, Zombies in the front rank, the result must be rot, er, Rout.
These are six ways of courting defeat, which must be carefully noted by the Zombie general who has attained a responsible post.
The natural formation of the country is the Zombie’s best ally, but the power of estimating the adversary (them), of controlling the forces of victory (us), and of shrewdly calculating difficulties—speed, or lack thereof (as it is said, “The Dead schlep slowly.”), dangers (head trauma), and distances (related reading: From Here to Eternity)—constitutes the test of a great general. He who knows these things, and in fighting puts his knowledge into practice, will win his battles. He who knows them not, nor practices them, will surely be defeated.
GENERAL RULES
The general who advances without coveting fame and retreats without fearing disgrace, whose only thought is to protect his Horde and do good service for his sovereign, is the jewel of the kingdom (albeit as
a Zombie, he is truly a diamond in the rough).
Regard your Zombies as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest basements. Look upon them as your own beloved sons and daughters, and they will stand by you even unto Undeath. If, however, you are indulgent, but unable to make your authority felt; kind-hearted, but unable to enforce your commands; and incapable of quelling disorder: then your Zombies must be likened to spoiled children. (In fact, they may likely be spoiled children.) They are useless for any practical purpose—except for eating BRRRAAAIIINS.
Hungry ghosts
WHEN TO ATTACK
If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight, even though your ruler forbids it. If fighting will not result in victory, then you must not fight, even at the ruler’s bidding. Take the reins (and the reign) in your grasping Undead hands.
If we know our Undead are in a condition to attack, but are unaware—as we usually are—that the Humans are not open to attack, we have tottered only halfway toward victory.
And if we know the Humans are open to attack, but are unaware that our Undead are not in a condition to attack (because we’ve lost our heads?), we likewise have lurched only halfway towards victory.
If we know the Humans are open to attack, and know our Zombies are in a condition to attack, but are unaware that the nature of the ground makes fighting impracticable (perhaps because it’s strewn with decapitated Zombies, half-eaten Humans, and abandoned vehicles), we have still stumbled only halfway toward victory, and are at this point completely confused. (Collective GRRROOOAAANNN!)
The experienced Zombie, once in motion, is never (completely) bewildered. Once he has broken camp, he is never at a loss. He goes on to break the campers. And the counselors.
The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. Page 4