by NK Morales
For the first time in my life I was conscious of unconditional love.
I am without a doubt truly lucky.
Chapter 23
Fall
Espe
I married Jake at the Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs. The beauty of the Rocky Mountains was the backdrop for our nuptials. It was an angelic venue and everything was perfect for our outdoor wedding. Jake looked as handsome as ever in his black single-breasted tux, with a two-button notch lapel, and satin bosom pockets. His formal pleated trousers confirmed nicely to his rear end.
There were nearly 150 people in attendance. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, including my parents, who couldn’t have been happier for me. I’m sure there were times they thought I’d never get over Drew. I hadn’t though.
Jake and I were standing outside of the pavilion waiting for the best man, Josh, to welcome us in. Jake was talking to the photographer. As I waited in silence next to him my mind started to wander.
I loved Jake all though I wasn’t completely convinced I was in love with him. I didn’t love him the way I once loved Drew.
Sure, Jake was a good guy. He was a supportive, good looking, owned his own garage, made decent money and I knew he’d do anything for me. What was there not to love?
His only fault was that he was a jealous fool with a tad bit of a temper, which scared me. When his temper got the best of him, he was downright mean, ugly, and scary as all hell. It wasn’t just his temper that had me doubting my decision twenty minutes after I said “I do.” For one, we didn’t have anything in common. He pissed me off more times than he made me happy.
I knew all of this before I agreed to marry him. I made a conscious decision to marry Jake. I guess I just wanted to be loved again.
But he did make me laugh, and laughter is the best medicine. Right? He didn’t know it, but he helped me bury my past. Jake was a perfect distraction. He was the challenge I needed in order to keep my inner torment hidden.
Jake kissed my hand and asked, “What are you thinking about?”
“How happy I am and how much I love you.”
Liar liar pants on fire I thought as I briefly kissed his lips.
He hugged me into his chest as I heard Josh’s voice say, “Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome Mr. & Mrs. Jake Anderson.”
The pavilion erupted with cheers and whistles. I smiled at Jake and together we walked to the dance floor where we danced to UB40’s I Can’t Help Falling in Love with You, our first dance as husband and wife.
Chapter 24
Spring
Drew
My brown leather chair had certainly seen better days. The leather was worn and cracked, the wheels squeaked, and it wobbled a little more than I would’ve liked. Even with all its problems, I loved it! It’s conformed to fit my body and still had just enough cushion left to be comfortable. I was sitting in my crappy chair in my home office, going through the mail, thinking about my marriage to Paige over the last three years.
Paige was a good mom in the beginning. Paige did her best to keep Megan busy throughout the day. They attended the neighborhood play parties. They went to the gym several days a week for swim lessons. Paige constantly had Megan involved in some sort of activity. If they weren’t playing with dolls they were counting, learning shapes and colors. Paige had taught Megan the alphabet and she was currently teaching her how to write her name. With Paige staying home, I knew Megan would be in a relaxed, nurturing environment. I didn’t have to worry about Megan picking up bad habits from other kids, being picked on, and of course there was also less chance of Megan getting sick.
Once I caught them having a tea party. Paige looked adorable sitting in a tiny pink wood chair three sizes too small. She was drinking imaginary tea and nibbling on a biscuit I couldn’t see. It was one of a handful of times I had fallen for her. As I opened the utility bill and placed it on the pile of bills to pay I continued to think of my marriage. Paige had definitely stolen a piece of my heart. I truly believed we could be happy; I adored Paige. A part of me would even say I loved her. We had problems like most couples, I suppose. The biggest problem in our marriage was our consistent fighting over money. In February of last year I turned twenty-five and was granted the right to use the inheritance money my grandmother had left me.
I believe money should be saved, not advertised, and certainly not wasted. It’s nice to know you have it if you need it. If handled correctly it would ensure the next generation would also be taken care of. Paige on the other hand, believed if you have it, spend it. You can’t take it with you when you die.
Since I received my inheritance Paige changed. She had no desire to work. She refused to go back to college and spent most of her time shopping. About a year before Paige had started complaining about being lonely. She craved interaction with other adults. I was the only adult she talked to on some days and apparently my conversations were boring. Here need for communication outside the home was the reason she insisted on getting a nanny and housekeeper. After several heated arguments I agreed to the nanny but put the kibosh on the housekeeper. I agreed to hire a nanny three days a week. I did everything I could to make Paige as comfortable and happy as possible. I didn’t mind that the house was a disaster more times than not. I took pride in caring for her and Megan. I tried to show her I valued her the best way I knew how. I made sure Paige had everything she needed. After all, it was the least I could do for the mother of my child.
As a result she spent less and less time with Megan. To make matters worse, I found she was opening credit cards left and right. Sure, I had money and neither one of us would ever have to work again. I chose to work, though. I needed to work. I wanted Paige to accomplish something she would be proud of, anything that would fulfill her enough to make her happy. Unfortunately at this time in her life she had no interest in bettering herself. I only hoped she’d change her mind in the future.
It was a challenge trying to get my career off the ground, to be a husband and a father. Some days I was so drained from work I can’t wait to get home. Other days I’m so drained from being home I can’t wait to get to work. My days off where filled with fixer-up projects, cleaning, and laundry. Currently I am working on removing the vinyl flooring in the kitchen and replacing it with ceramic tile.
I knew I loved being a dad. I love the way Megan hides behind my leg when company comes to visit. I love the way she laughs. The way she cries. Most of all I love the way she pats the chair next to her and says, “Sit. Let’s talk. I tell you story.” Megan was almost three years old and was starting to speak in complete sentences. She loved to be read to. I think I’ve read Green Eggs & Ham by Dr. Seuss more times than I care to admit. There was even a time or two I dreamt about eating green eggs and ham in a box with a fox. She was growing like a weed and was constantly eating animal crackers. As I leaned back in my ratty chair I opened the credit card bill. All I could see was red.
My happy time was over!
Walking into the kitchen I yelled, “Paige!” I could feel my blood pressure rising.
What in the hell was this woman thinking about?
“Why are you yelling? I’m right here,” she said from behind the island in the kitchen.
Paige could have anything she wanted within reason, and this was the problem. Paige didn’t spend money within reason. She spent it as if it was impossible for it to run out. I wish I could convince Paige to stop spending money so foolishly. I took a deep breath in an attempt to control my rising blood pressure.
“Do you want to explain this to me?” I was pissed and part of me wanted to strangle her. Before I looked for a length of rope I had to hear her out.
“What is it?” She looked at me inquisitively.
“Do you want to explain this credit card bill? Not just any bill but an eight thousand dollar bill. Eight thousand dollars, Paige!” I could feel the vein in my temple pulsating. “What in the hell did you buy for eight thousand dollars?”
She si
mply stated, “Shoes.”
“You have got to be fucking kidding me, Paige!” I needed to simmer down before I really went off the deep end. I sensed my nostrils flaring and the vein in my temple felt like it was going to explode.
“Why are you getting so upset? You told me I could buy some shoes,” she remarked.
“Yes, Paige I did say you could buy shoes. I was thinking one or two pairs, not the whole damn store!”
“I only bought five pairs,” she said as she leaned into the refrigerator.
She wouldn’t even look at me. I needed to control my temper before speaking. In as calm a voice as I could muster, I said, “Paige, you have to stop spending money the way you have been lately.”
She pulled out the deli tray and slammed it on the counter. “I told you I’d ask before I bought anything,” she hissed through gritted teeth.
“Paige, I don't need you to ask. I just need you to be responsible.”
“I am responsible, Drew,” she yelled.
“Really? This month, it’s eight thousand dollars in shoes. Last month it was fifteen thousand in jewelry. The month before, it was eleven thousand dollars in gifts.”
Completely unglued now, I continued raising my voice with each word, “Gifts, Paige! Who in the hell spends eleven thousand dollars on gifts? More to the point who in the hell deserves an eleven thousand dollar gift? Not to mention I’ve never even heard of that store in Nebraska.”
“Hey, it’s the only store of its kind in the whole United States. And it wasn’t just one gift, it was a Waterford bowl for my parents and a Lalique vase for your parents for Christmas,” she snapped back.
“I don't care, Paige! I’m just asking you to be reasonable. What’s gotten into you lately? Why are you dead set on spending as much money as you can?” I asked, trying to understand.
“You have more money than you know what to do with, Drew. What does it hurt for me to spend a few thousand here or there?”
“What?” My vision started to blur and the vein in my temple was pulsating again. “Are you insane, woman?”
I held my hand up, motioning her not to say a word. “I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, Paige, by giving you free rein to get what we needed for the house.” Taking a calming breath I continued. “However, I can see you believe shoes, lavish gifts, and jewelry are household items. I want all the credit cards back, Paige. Going forward you cannot open any more credit accounts.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “I’ll be giving you an allowance.”
Her mouth dropped opened and her face turned red with anger. “You can’t do this to me, Drew!”
“I'm sorry Paige, you’ve left me with no choice. I don’t know what else to do.”
“Drew, I can do better, I promise,” she pleaded as tears pooled in her eyes.
I placed my hands in the front pockets of my jeans because part of me wanted to comfort her, the other part of me demanded she understood where I was coming from.
She walked toward me. The tears rolling down her face made me feel like a real jackass.
Placing her arms around my waist she said, “I can do better, I promise.”
I wasn’t ready to give in just yet. “That’s what you said three months ago, and yet thirty four thousand dollars later I have yet to see any improvement. Your spending is getting worse each month and I don’t know what to do,” I said into her hair.
“I will do better, I promise,” she said into my chest.
Finally calm, I removed my hands from my pockets to return her hug. In a quiet voice I replied, “We’ve been married for less than four years. In the last year you’ve spent over seventy thousand dollars.” Rubbing her back I asked, “Please tell me what I should do.”
Backing away from me, she wiped her eyes before saying, “I don’t know, Drew. I will try to do better.” Rolling her eyes at me she continued, “Although I don’t know why you’re so upset—it’s only money.”
I could feel the pressure building again. It felt like she was toying with me. I did what I could to remain calm. “What do you want from me, Paige? Really?”
Looking through me she put her head down, shrugged her shoulders, saying nothing.
I cupped her chin in my hand bringing her head up. “Is money the only thing you want from me, Paige?” I hated asking the question but I had to know.
Staring me straight in the eyes, “What do you think?” she said sarcastically.
I didn’t have an answer and I didn’t want to fight with her any longer. I turned to walk away.
In a soft dry voice she said, “Your money is a substitute for your love.”
I froze mid-step. Turning on my heels I asked, “What do you mean, Paige?” A part of me loved her and in a matter of seconds she’d managed to crush me to pieces.
“Why don’t you love me, Drew?” She tilted her head toward her shoulder. “Who hurt you so bad you can’t open up your heart to me?”
Walking back to her I took her face into the palms of my hands. “I do love you, Paige.”
“Then why does it always seem like you’re a million miles away every time we make love? Who are you thinking of?”
“All I need is you. Please believe me.” I said pulling her into my arms before gently covering her mouth with mine.
She broke our kiss and whispered in my ear, “If this is going to work you have to let me inside even though it hurts. I need to see the broken parts.” She kissed my neck before saying, “Tell me Drew, does she look like me?”
I didn’t know how to respond. She was nothing like Esperanza. I opened my mouth to tell her but nothing came out.
“Drew, please tell me who broke your heart in the past so badly you won’t allow yourself to love me.” Her arms where still wrapped around my neck and she was searching my eyes for an answer.
Pulling her into my chest I spoke into her hair. “Please understand. This is who I am! There is no past. No broken heart. No lost love, only you.” I’m lying my ass off, of course.
“Show me,” she said into my chest.
I lifted her up and carried her to the bedroom. I held her in my arms. Kissed her passionately then had coitus with my wife.
As Paige lay sleeping next to me I thought about what she said. Was it that obvious? How did she know there was a part of my past I couldn’t let go of? Heaven help me, I’d tried to give Paige my whole heart.
For reasons I didn’t understand, a large part of my heart belonged to Esperanza. I tried to rid her from my memory bank, even curse her all to hell. But every time I closed my eyes I remembered how I felt at peace when we talked. How we would complete each other’s sentences. How she knew when something was bothering me without me saying a word. We knew each other’s thoughts. Even though it had been years since we spoke and even longer since I’d seen her I could still remember the way she smiled at me. I could still feel her touch. It was strange, but I was unnaturally comfortable with her. We had an uncanny relationship; it’s as if we were two sides to the same coin. My heart wept from sadness knowing I failed. I wasn’t willing to fight for love. No one could ever complete me the way Esperanza did. Deep down I still craved her. I tried so damn hard to forget her. God I tried. Without her in my life waking up in the morning was the hardest part of my day.
I hate myself for lying to Paige, but I wasn’t ready to share my story of Espe. Truthfully, I didn’t want to share.
Chapter 25
Espe
I was sitting on our four-poster bed when I heard the front door open.
“Babe I’m home.”
I couldn’t help grimacing as I stared at the white stick in my hand.
“I’m in the bedroom,” I hollered.
“Just where I like my woman,” Jake yelled back.
I heard him taking off his jacket as he climbed the stairs. As he walked into the bedroom he looked at what I was holding in my hand.
With shaking hands I handed the white stick to him. With a look of uncertainty he took the stick from my hand.
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Looking at the two blue lines he asked, “Does this mean what I think it means?”
“What do you think it means?” I asked in return.
“Are you having my baby?” His eyes turned the size of golf balls and his beautiful pearly whites lit up the room.
“Yes, Jake,” I answered with nervous excitement. “I’m having your baby.”
Jake walked up to me, picked me up in his arms, and spun me around.
Whispering in my ear, “It will be the prettiest baby in the world.”
He brushed his lips on mine before putting me on the ground. He was glowing. Funny, because I always thought it was supposed to be the mother who glowed.
“Oh my God, Espe I’m going to be a dad.”
He looked like a kid on Christmas morning.
“I need to call my parents.” Reaching for the phone he added, “We need to call your parents. Who should we call first?”
“Shouldn’t we go to a doctor first to make sure?” I asked. “I know the box states 99.9% accurate.” I was hesitant. “But I’d feel better if I heard pregnant from a doctor.”
I didn’t know the first thing about having a baby, much less how to raise one. I continued justifying my reason not to inform anyone.
“Besides isn’t it early to be sharing the news? What if something happens?” I asked.
I was apprehensive. I really wasn’t sure what to think. I really couldn’t be having a baby, could I?
Sliding across the bed with superhuman speed, Jake pulled me into his arms.
“Babe, 99.9% is pretty damn accurate.” Rubbing my back in an attempt to comfort me he asked, “Do you want to get another test from the drugstore?”