Shattered Essence

by NK Morales

  Handing him the pink box I replied, “The box has two tests.”

  Pulling the second test out of the box he said, “Let’s see if this one comes back positive.” He handed me the stick. “Then we’ll know for sure.”

  “I just peed.” Handing him back the stick I said, “I don’t think I can go so soon.”

  Disappointed, Jake sighed, “Okay, let’s try again after dinner.”

  I reached for his hand. “I promise I’ll drink plenty of water.”

  Motioning with his forefinger and thumb he said, “Maybe just a little water.” Kissing my cheek he added, “I don’t want too much water to dilute the results.”

  Two hours later I was sitting on the toilet trying to aim a stream of pee on a tiny white stick. In a few minutes I would know for sure if I was pregnant.

  I was thankful Jake was sitting with me on the edge of the bathtub … waiting … waiting. These second five minutes felt like an eternity. I could tell he was nervous too; his legs were shaking. His eyes were glued to the white stick on the bathroom counter. In addition he rubbed his face so many times I lost count.

  I checked my watch. “Finally! You check it,” I said. “I’m even more nervous than I was the first time.”

  I was holding my breath, biting the inside of my lower lip. I wasn’t sure what I wanted the test to reveal. The thought of bringing a life into this crazy world filled with greed, hatred, drugs, pedophiles, and murderers was enough to make me sick.

  On the bright side, I’d have something that was truly mine. Someone who would be forever mine. Even after I was long gone and buried.

  Jake leaned forward, picking the stick up in his hand. “It looks like I’m still going to be a daddy.”

  He stood in a superhero stance, with his fists on his waist, his legs spread apart and his head turned away from me. “This is the best news ever.” He bragged. “My boys can swim.”

  “You’re an idiot,” I said laughing at him.

  Touching the tip of my nose with his finger he said, “And you, young lady, are going to make a wonderful mother.”

  “I’m so scared, Jake,” I replied.

  “Women have been having babies for thousands of years.” He took my face in his hands. “I promise everything will be okay. I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

  I let out a sigh. “Who should we call first?” I said weakly.

  Jake reached into his pocket. “Heads your parents, tails mine.” Handing me the quarter he asked, “Do you want to flip?”

  I closed my hand around his. “You do it, my hands are too shaky.”

  He nodded once and flipped the quarter into the air. He grabbed it mid air. “Ready?”

  I grimaced, showing teeth and wrinkling my nose. Chuckling, Jake placed the quarter on the back of his left hand.

  “Tails it is. I’ll grab the phone and put it on speaker,” he said.

  It only took three rings before the phone on the other end was picked up.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey Mom, I have you on speaker phone, how are you?” Jake turned smiling at me.

  “Hi Esperanza.”

  “Hi Betty, how’s Omaha?”

  I really didn’t care for Jake’s mother; actually, she was evil incarnate. When Jake told his mom he was going to marry me she was horrified her youngest son was marrying a Mexican-American. She rambled for days about what her friends would think of her.

  In the background I heard a cork coming out of a bottle of wine.

  “Omaha is fine, dear. I love it here. The people are so friendly and the weather isn’t much different from Denver.”

  “Mom, we have something to tell you.” Squeezing my hand, Jake raised his eyebrows a few times.

  “Oh, dear lord, please don’t tell me what I think you’re going to tell me.”

  “What do you think we’re going to tell you, Mom?”

  Jake turned to face me and whispered, “I am so sorry.”

  I responded by rolling my eyes at him.

  “Are you two pregnant?” Betty asked in a disappointed tone.

  I’m bulletproof. I will not let the old bat get to me. I am bulletproof, I kept repeating in my head.

  “Yes, we just found out and couldn’t wait to share the news,” Jake said.

  “Will it be brown and speak Mexican?”

  Agitated, I replied, “I don’t know what color skin your grandchild will have. What I do know is our child will be loved by both of its parents.”

  I really wanted to punch her in the face.

  Carrying on, I added, “As for your grandchild speaking Mexican, the answer is no. Mexican is not a language. Spanish, on the other hand, is a language and I guarantee you I intend to teach it.”

  “So what you’re telling me is it wouldn’t be born speaking Mexican, Spanish, whatever?” she stressed.

  I really wanted to jump through the phone and choke the old witch.

  “Betty, just like all languages, a child must be taught.”

  “You know dear,” Betty explained, “You really should have stuck to your own kind.”

  I could never commit murder, although, I really did want to kill her. Well, at least try.

  “Jake, I do not approve of this.” Betty continued to press. “Maybe you could have an abortion. How far along are you?”

  “MOM!” Jake yelled.

  “Sweetheart, I only want what’s best for you.”

  “Esperanza is what’s best for me! I thought you’d be happy for us! Looks like I guessed wrong.” Through gritted teeth Jake was screaming into the phone. “I will not sit here and let you insult my wife or me any longer! If you ever feel like apologizing you know how to reach me.”

  Jake ended the call by throwing the phone against the wall where it shattered into several pieces. His face was beet red, his nostrils were flaring, and his fists were clenched. When he stood I thought he was going to leave the room. Instead he threw the lamp on the nightstand to the floor then in one quick move he punched a hole through the wall and yelled, “What the fuck!”

  I cringed and brought my knees into my chest, wrapping my arms around them. I didn’t think he would harm me. It was simply an instinct to protect myself. Jake turned watching me. He ran his hands over his face then hurried to my side where he wrapped his arms around me.

  “Baby, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said quietly. “I am just so damn pissed at my mother. Why can’t she be happy for us?”

  Returning his hug I said, “Maybe we should hold off on calling my parents until tomorrow.”

  “Sounds like a good idea,” he said burying his face in my hair.

  I knew Jake was a good guy and he did love me. He just had some anger issues which scared the hell out of me.

  Chapter 26

  Summer

  Espe

  I’m standing on a hill overlooking the ocean. My arms are crossed over my chest. I can smell the salt on the breeze as it gently blows around me. I close my eyes as I feel his arms wrap around my waist. I inhale, taking in as much of his scent as I can. “I’m finally home,” I think to myself as I watch the waves crash onto the shore. I can feel his strength as he pulls me toward his hips. His heat is radiating all around me. I’m protected in Drew’s arms.

  “The view from up here is almost as beautiful as you are,” he hums in my ear in a low husky voice.

  His breath was enough to make my body ache. I turn to look in his eyes and I can’t look away. The desire to touch him has me shaking. I try to bring my hand up to brush his face when he bends down and covers my mouth with his. I was getting dizzy and I had to hold on to his biceps to steady myself. His kisses continue down my neck, my shoulder, my collarbone, and finally my breasts. I’m in complete bliss. I close my eyes once again to absorb and maintain this feeling for as long as I can.

  When I open my eyes I’m standing alone in a damp tunnel made of concrete. All of a sudden I feel trapped and I can feel my lungs tightening from the fear of being alone. I l
ook around for Drew. I start calling for him to find me. I hear footsteps behind me and I feel relief knowing he has found me. My happiness is short lived when I become aware I am being chased by Jake. Dread returns to my chest full force and I know he’s going to kill me if I let him catch me. I start running through the tunnel. I can’t reach the end, no matter how fast I run. Jake is going to be the end of me. I hear Drew hollering for me to keep running and not to look back.

  “You are mine and I will be damned if I share you with anyone. If I can’t have you, no one can.” I hear Jake’s angry voice echo throughout the tunnel. The more I run the more my lungs burn. My legs are heavy and I can’t breathe anymore. I hear gunshots behind me. I fall to the ground and crawl to the wall. I sit leaning on the wall when the wall gives way and I am falling off a cliff. I am headed straight for the ocean below. I start to scream and I know in an instant my life is over. I’m either going to die on impact or drown since I’m not much of a swimmer. I hit the water feet first and before I know it I’m submerged in water. I look around trying to find my bearings when I see a hand reaching out to me. I stretch to grab the hand being held out to me when I recognize it belongs to Drew. I try to swim to him but I am sinking. I kick my legs as hard as I can while I try to push the water down with my arms. Thankfully, I had just enough strength to reach his hand. I grasp his hand and when he doesn’t grasp it back I realize he isn’t moving. His cloud-covered eyes stare coldly at me. There is no life in them. He is dead, and I begin to scream underwater.

  I woke with a scream stuck in my throat, sweat rolling off my forehead, and my heart beating so fast I was sure it was going to jump out of my chest. It took me several seconds to adjust to my surroundings and to understand I had been dreaming again. Looking around the bedroom I noticed Jake wasn’t next to me.

  He must have left for work already. I let out a deep breath and fell back on my pillow.

  Dreaming of Drew was the best feeling and the most alive I had felt in years. Even if my dream did turn into a nightmare. When I was fully awake I felt the loss, the heaviness, the emptiness. It was all rushing back. I missed him. I had a broken heart. I knew I was still in love with him.

  Lately, it seemed like I couldn’t wake up in the morning without first thinking of Drew. Was he dead? Did he fall madly in love with someone and is now happily married? Did he remember me? Did he ever think of me? I placed my hand over the ache in my heart and wondered if Drew ever thought of me.

  It must be my body adjusting to being pregnant that has me dreaming of Drew every night, I thought as I rubbed my belly. Or maybe subconsciously I was sad because I wasn’t having his baby. These dreams had to stop before I drove myself nuts. Drew was part of my past and I had to keep him in my past. I hated to think of what Jake would do or say if he knew the dreams keeping me up at night had to do with my one true love. I knew he’d go ballistic. He was such a jealous man. Besides, I didn’t need another hole in the wall to match the one he put there a couple of weeks ago after I told him I had lunch with a male coworker. It was best if I kept my dreams to myself. As far as Jake knew, my dreams consisted of me being chased down a tunnel. I never told him he was the one chasing me.

  I forced myself to get out of bed. I headed to the shower, hoping to clear my head before heading to the office.

  Chapter 27

  Espe

  Last week I discovered I was in my eleventh week of pregnancy with twins. I was still experiencing fatigue and all-day morning sickness. When I got home from work I was exhausted. I placed my keys and purse on the table next to the door, heading straight for the couch. I needed a little nap.

  I wasn’t sure how long I was asleep before I heard Jake yelling from the kitchen. “What the fuck Espe, I thought you were going to the grocery store today.”

  “I’m sorry Jake,” I said yawning as I walked into the kitchen. ”I’ve been so tired lately. These babies are taking all of my energy.”

  “You’ve been complaining about being tired for weeks. If you ask me I think you’re using your pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy,” he barked.

  “Screw you Jake!” I snapped back.

  “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” he snarled.

  He was starting to piss me off. “Why do you have to be such an asshole?” I asked in an annoyed tone.

  Jake stood still in front of me. “Just make me something to fucking eat!”

  “What do you want?” I asked while searching the refrigerator.

  Poison, cyanide, your balls on a platter, I thought.

  “Jesus, can’t you just make me something to eat without me having to tell you?” He pulled a kitchen chair out from underneath the table and sat down.

  Okay, so his temper wasn’t cooling.

  “I was only trying to please you.” I tried to say calmly as I placed a couple of chicken breasts in an iron skillet.

  He looked me up and down with hateful eyes and said, “If you really wanted to please me, you’d drop to your knees in front of me.”

  I had never seen that look before; it scared me. A knot started forming in the middle of my gut. I’d be damned if I would let him speak to me so hatefully.

  “You are being a complete prick right now Jake, and are currently out of your fucking mind!”

  “The only mind I will be fucking is yours when my cock is sliding down your throat,” he snickered.

  “No need to let the loco out,” I balked as I pulled a can of peaches out of the cabinet.

  Jake quickly stood up, sending the chair he was sitting on crashing to the floor. Before I knew what was happening my face was in his chest. He wrapped his hand around my hair and pulled.

  “Don’t you ever call me crazy.”

  I stood my ground. I was not going to show him any weakness. Even if I was scared shitless.

  “Let go of me, Jake, before you do something you’ll regret.”

  Still pulling my hair with one hand he raised his right fist punching me hard in the face. “Don’t you tell me what to do, devil woman,” he roared.

  My face was pounding. Before I had time to think I tightened my grip around the can of peaches. I pulled my arm back and with every bit of strength I had I swung my arm around, substituting the can of peaches for my fist. I hit him on the left side of his face. Jake stumbled backward before tripping over the chair and landing flat on his back. I ran up to him and kicked him as hard as I could in the balls.

  “Fuck,” he hollered as he grabbed his groin.

  As Jake lay in a ball on the floor I alternated kicking him repeatedly in the ribs, chest, and gut.

  “Don’t you ever, ever try to fucking hit me again!” I hissed through clenched teeth. “Do you understand me Jake?” I asked kicking him with everything I had in the face.

  I didn’t wait for an answer. I ran to the front door, exchanging the dented can of peaches for my purse and keys. I slammed the door making certain I didn’t look behind me.

  I jumped into my car, started the engine and stepped on the gas, speeding out of the driveway and the neighborhood. I didn’t get far before I had to pull over. The adrenalin rush surging through me when I was fighting with Jake had passed. I was shaking violently. I couldn’t keep the steering wheel straight enough to drive safely. I stared out the window afraid to move, afraid to cry.

  I sat in my car for what seemed like hours, going over the events that had transpired over the evening. First, I couldn’t believe Jake hit me and second, I couldn’t believe I hit him back. I knew he had a temper but never in a million years would I have thought he’d turn his anger on me.

  What if he had hurt me? Worse, what if he had hurt the babies? What if he’d killed me? The dream I had of Drew warning me flooded my memory. I rubbed my belly, wondering what I was going to do next. I wanted to pick up the phone and call Drew’s parents and ask them for his number. He would know what to do. I covered my mouth with my hand. I couldn’t call him. He had his own life now and this was my problem.

  What if I hurt Jake?
What if I broke one of his ribs or his nose? What if instead of being the victim of abuse I was actually the abuser? Should I turn around and check on him? I’m pretty sure I saw blood on his hands. Was it mine or his?

  I looked in the mirror and noticed my swelling eye and the knot on my check. I was definitely going to have a bruise in the morning. I looked at the back of my hands then flipped them over to inspect my palms. Not my blood, I thought. I should really go check on him. Touching my check and feeling the burn, I couldn’t believe I was thinking of his well-being.

  “Fuck him,” I shouted.

  I was an emotional wreck.

  The anger I felt indicated I sure as hell would not be returning home anytime soon. I thought about heading to my parents’ home in Manitou Springs. Except I wasn’t in the mood to deal with any more drama. With no place else to go I opted to check myself into a hotel for a few days.

  Chapter 28

  Espe

  It’s been eight days since I walked out on Jake. I was finally ready to speak to him after dodging his calls all week. The only person I had spoken with was my mother and our conversation was short. I let her know I was okay and I needed a little bit of time to sort things out in my head. I didn’t want her to know how bad the fight between Jake and me had been. If she were to find out Jake had hit me, there was no doubt in my mind my dad would be sitting in jail right now for murder. I needed to talk to Jake. In case he was still angry, I felt it was essential to meet him in a public place.

  I decided to call him when I knew he’d be at work. I opted to leave him a message on our home phone. I asked him to meet me at seven in the hotel’s dining room.

  A tall lanky waiter who couldn’t be over sixteen was asking him about the stitches under his left eye when I showed up. I winced, trying to forget I had given him the five stitches he was sporting. Jake stood up and waited for me to take my seat before he sat back down. I noticed both the waiter and Jake looking at the now greenish yellow bruise I myself was wearing on the right side of my face. I saw sadness in Jake’s eyes. It appeared as if he was also trying to forget the events from eight nights ago.