Shattered Essence

by NK Morales

  After the waiter took our order for a glass of two percent milk and one iced tea Jake said, “Thanks for calling me, Espe.”

  Looking him in the eye, “Thanks for agreeing to see me.”

  Jake reached across the table for my hands. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I will never be able to forgive myself for what I did or for the way I behaved. It’s something I’m going to have to live with every day for the rest of my life.”

  “I’ll be honest with you, Jake. Part of me is disgusted with what happened and thinks the best choice is to say goodbye. For both of us to go our separate ways.” Taking a sip of water, I swallowed and continued, “Another part of me isn’t ready to give up on us. Heaven knows we have a lot to learn from this experience.”

  Looking at me with puppy dog eyes he said, “I can’t lose you.”

  “What’s going to be different, Jake? You could have seriously hurt me, not to mention you put your children in danger. I can forgive you for what you did to me, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive you for putting your unborn children in harm’s way.”

  “I hope you can understand. I’m not a perfect person. I hate myself for the things I did. I know I have anger issues. I never thought I could lose control the way I did. I know I need help. I know I need to change.” His voice sounded fragile. “More importantly, I found a reason to change—a reason to be a better person. I never meant to hit you much less hurt you. I was upset with what was going on at work. I needed an outlet. I loathe myself for making you that outlet. I know what’s at stake. Please give me another chance. I can change,” he pleaded.

  “I don’t know if I can trust you.”

  “I know it’s going to take some time to get you to trust me again.” Rubbing the back of my hand with his thumbs he added, “Please, just give me the opportunity to show you I can be the man you need me to be.”

  “If I decide to return, and please be aware I’m not saying I will, I have several conditions.” I looked at him thoughtfully. “One, if you ever, and I mean ever, raise your hand to me again you will never get a chance to apologize. I mean it, Jake! I am not going to be anyone’s punching bag and neither will my children. Second, you need to get your anger under control. Start seeing a therapist immediately. Finally, this all started because I didn’t go to the grocery store. It will never be a problem again because if I decide to return, grocery shopping will become your job.”

  Was I really considering staying with Jake? He destroyed me. He destroyed us. I must be out of my god damned mind.

  “I know I can change. Give me a chance, please. I’ll do whatever you want me to do.” Never breaking eye contact he said further, “I don’t think I can go on living without you. I know there are plenty of reasons for you to leave. I beg you to find just one reason to stay.”

  “I need time, Jake.” I had a lot to think about. My mental state was shooting out in every direction.

  He was a good man; most of the time he put me first. Then why would a good man hit his wife? Why would a wife hit her husband?

  “You can even hit me with a can of peaches every day for the rest of our lives.” I could see he was trying to hold back tears. “Please tell me what I need to do to keep you here with me. I love you with all of my heart, Esperanza.”

  Tears started falling from the corners of his eyes. “Please baby, please, don’t leave me,” he pleaded, his voice breaking in pain. “You are my whole world.”

  I felt comfortable with Jake but I wanted to feel home. I needed to feel safe. I wasn’t going to live in fear. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a single mother, either. He looked so sad and miserable. The guilt I felt for making him feel this way was breaking my heart. There were numerous times he’d made me feel special, loved even. At times he was irresistible and I loved him.

  “Promise?” I winked at him from across the table. “I can really hit you with peaches, again?”

  “Promise,” he replied wiping his eyes with the palms of his hands.

  Squeezing his hands, I said with a guilt-ridden voice, “Jake, I am sorry I hit you with them.”

  “I’m not. I deserved it,” he said as he raised my hands and brushed my knuckles with his lips.

  Chapter 29

  Summer

  Drew

  I scanned the crowd looking for Paige. She’d promised she would come to Megan’s soccer game.

  Why did Paige insist on making my life a living hell?

  Megan only had eleven games this summer. Paige hadn’t made it to a single one. She had ensured me she’d be at Megan’s last game of the season. It didn’t really matter anymore—there were only two minutes left in the game. I sometimes thought of my life and just wanted to scream. I was doing everything in my power to make this marriage work. It is damn hard when it feels like I’m the only one putting in the effort.

  When I got home after the game I made Megan a grilled cheese sandwich and while she ate, I told her I was going to find her mom to let her know we were home.

  I found Paige near the pool painting her toenails. I walked up to her with my hands in my front pockets. “Where were you today?”

  Her eyes never left her toes when she said, “My parents never went to any of my games and I turned out just fine. Why do I need to go to Megan’s games? Besides, you were there.”

  I didn’t want to get upset but it was damned hard not to. “It is not about you. It is not about what happened to you.”

  Paige didn’t say anything, just continued painting her toes. When I couldn’t stand the silence any longer I asked her, “How did it make you feel, your parents not supporting you, not showing up to any of your events?”

  “I couldn’t have cared less if they were there or not,” she hissed.

  “Really?” I asked inquisitively.

  “Yeah!” she snapped.

  “Then why is it every time I ask you to be at one of Megan’s events you bring it up? If you truly didn’t care you wouldn’t mention it.” I dragged a lawn chair alongside Paige. Sitting next to her I said, “I think it hurt and I think you’ve tried to bury the hurt.” I continued in my gentlest voice, “Please understand. I want to ensure Megan doesn’t share your pain.”

  “Heaven forbid daddy’s little girl should ever feel any pain.”

  Any control I had up to this point went out the window. “What in the hell has gotten into you? What is your problem?”

  Through clenched teeth she spat, “You are my problem! Why must everything be perfect with you? Around you? I’m sorry I’m not perfect. Was your ex perfect? I bet she was just as perfect as you are. Right?”

  “I can’t deal with this right now, Paige. I don’t have the energy for another one of your fits. I’m sorry.” I stood up and walked away.

  “I’m sorry I’m not that bitch you keep so guarded. She must have been some fuck, even after all these years you still won’t talk about her. You can’t even tell me her name. I hate her and I hate you!”

  I turned around and grabbed her by her arms before yelling, “What the fuck do you want from me, Paige? What? If you hate me so much, leave—I’ll even help you pack.” Part of me was ready for this marriage to end.

  Paige placed her hands on my waist and pulled herself into my chest. “I’m so sorry, Drew. I didn’t mean what I said. You were right, it did hurt when my parents didn’t show up to my events. I’m sorry I took it out on you. I didn’t know how else to release the anger I’ve carried for so long.”

  “I can’t keep having the same argument with you. There is no one but you.” I whispered, “I’m tired, I don’t know how much more I can take.” I moved her to the side. “I’m going to go check on Megan. You are welcome to come ask her how her game was.” As I expected, she stayed behind.

  “Is Mommy coming inside? I saved her some of my sandwich.” Megan said as she showed me her plate.

  “You eat it baby girl, Mommy will be in shortly and then I’ll make her one, okay? How about I keep you company while you finish?”

&nb
sp; She gave me a killer smile. “Come sit by me Daddy,” she said as she patted the chair she was sitting on. I couldn’t help but smile as I placed Megan on my lap. What else could I do? She was the most amazing thing in my life and I just couldn’t help feeling proud.

  When Megan finished her sandwich I helped her wipe her face and hands before she ran upstairs to play. Paige still hadn’t come in. I walked over to the sink to do dishes.

  I asked myself, what happens when you lose the one person in the world who makes you feel invincible? The one person who makes you a better person? The one person who connects you to the world? The one person who completes you? The one person who makes you feel like you’re finally home?

  As I stared out the kitchen window I answered my own questions. You shatter, you fall apart. You can no longer find purpose in life. You live because you have to. You get out of bed because you have to. You live one day at a time. Every day you get out of bed the pain fades a little and the hole in your heart starts to scar. Then one day you wake up and realize the pain is gone and you’re left with a stone-cold heart.

  “You’re thinking about her again, aren’t you?” I heard Paige say from behind me. I didn’t even hear her come in.

  Fuck!

  Rolling my eyes I answered, “For the millionth time Paige, there is no her.” I had to stop thinking of Espe before I ruined my marriage. “I was simply wondering what you might like for lunch. Grilled cheese or chicken salad?”

  I am so burning in hell.

  Chapter 30

  Summer

  Espe

  Jake’s strong mentally and physically. He’s beautiful, courageous, and compassionate. He’s talented in more ways than one. He’s respectful, imaginative, and he has one hell of a brain.

  Jake has been true to his word. In the last fourteen years, he has never hit me again. He is not perfect by any means. We still argue and call each other names. He still gets angry every once in a while and I have had several holes in the walls to prove it. He saw a therapist for his anger issues and most of the time he takes his frustration out on a punching bag in the garage.

  Jake is a good father to our fraternal twin boys, Josh and James. He plays catch with them, kids around with them, and chauffeurs them from place to place. He is constantly trying to teach the boys something new, whether it be computer programming, the proper way to catch a football, or how to be a decent person.

  The only complication in our marriage was our love-hate relationship. On occasion he was so charming I couldn’t get enough of him and I wanted to eat him up. On other occasions he was such an ass I wanted to drive an ice pick through his skull. I wanted to take his face and shove it down the garbage disposal.

  Regrettably today was one of the crappy days.

  A few days ago I noticed a baby bunny was hiding in the thick grass behind the house. He was so tiny and cute, and looked so soft. For three days I walked around the house to see if I could see the baby bunny I named Trooper. I wasn’t sure if it was a male or female bunny. I just assumed it was a male bunny, out on its own. I always made sure to keep my distance. I didn’t want to scare it away. I had thought about bringing it out some carrots or lettuce. Then I remembered the last time I took carrots and lettuce to a rabbit that was hiding in the bushes and they were never touched. On top of that I didn’t want to draw any attention to Trooper.

  It was almost dinnertime and the only one home was James. Josh was going to be spending the night at a friend’s house. Before starting dinner I went to check on Trooper. I didn’t see him in any of his usual hiding spots. He wasn’t under the lilac bush, the deck, or near the foundation at the front of the house.

  Where is the little bugger, I thought to myself. I continued to walk around the outside of my home when a tuft of brown fur caught my eye. I noticed Trooper was lying on his side next to the water spout. As I approached him my heart sank.

  Oh no, not Trooper.

  His lifeless body was being harassed by several flies.

  What should I do? I can’t leave him here. Poor thing. I feel so sad, and I have to bury him.

  I walked in the house, picked up my phone, and stepped back out on the deck and called Jake.

  After three rings he answered, “Hello.”

  “Hey Jake, it’s me.” I wasn’t sure what I was going to say.

  “What’s up?” he sounded agitated, as usual.

  “There’s a dead bunny in the backyard and I’m not sure what to do. Should I call someone? Should I bury it or should I throw it in the trash?” I didn’t want to throw him in the trash and I was surprised I’d even asked.

  “If it’s dead, leave it there. Some animal will come and eat it.”

  Stunned, I closed my eyes and sighed. Jerk!

  “Augh, No! Poor thing doesn’t deserve to be eaten by animals nor does it deserve to lie and rot in this hundred-degree weather.” I already regretted calling him.

  “It’s dead, right?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Then what do you care?” he exclaimed.

  Heartless bastard, I thought. “It was once a living breathing creature.” I pleaded.

  “Then bury it. Throw it in the trash. I don’t care.” His tone was hard and cruel.

  “I think I’ll bury it. Talk to you later.” I pressed the end button before he had a chance to agitate me more. It was times like these that made me wonder what I ever saw in Jake. Why did I love him? Did I? Right now I was pretty sure I hated him.

  I walked back in to the house I didn’t want to do this alone. I was going to have to solicit some help. The twins are thirteen now and it’s time for them to start doing manly things. Heaven knows I’m not going to leave the bunny there and I am most certainly not going to touch it.

  I walked into the boy’s room and James was playing a video game.

  “What are you doing?” he asked me while giving me one of his biggest smiles.

  I thought twice about ruining his day. “James, do you remember Trooper? The baby bunny I showed you the other day.”

  “Yeah, why?”

  “He’s dead, and I want you to help me bury him.”

  I had three reasons why I wanted him to help me. 1) Teach him to have compassion for all living things. 2) Face death. 3) Realize there are times in life when you are going to have to do things you really don’t want to.

  “What? What do you mean he’s dead?” He was staring at me with concern in his big blue eyes.

  “I went to check on him and I found him. Come. Grab the shovel.” I said as I walked out of his room.

  I wasn’t going to tell him about my conversation with Jake. He was a jerk and I didn’t want James to know how cold-hearted his father could be. On our way outside we stopped in the garage to grab the shovel.

  Before Trooper was in sight James asked me, “Where are we going to bury him?”

  That was a good question. I hadn’t thought that far. Most of the yard was beautiful manicured lawn. The only place not covered in deep green grass or landscaping was under the deck in the backyard.

  “I think under the deck would be the best place. Do you want to dig the hole or should I?”

  “You do it,” he said in a quiet voice.

  I started digging while James watched. Trooper was only about five inches long and I wanted to make sure the hole was deep enough to cover his small frame and also bury him deep enough other animals wouldn’t dig him up. It only took a few minutes to dig a hole I felt was suitable for Trooper’s resting place.

  I held the shovel out to James. “Here, pick Trooper up and place him in the hole.”

  James took the shovel from me. His look was solemn as he walked over to where Trooper lay. I watched him as he hugged himself.

  “Mom, there are flies all over him. Poor thing. What do you think happened? How do we get the flies off?”

  I could see the sadness in his eyes and hear it in his voice. “I don’t know what happened, baby. He was probably too young to be on his own.” I did
n’t know if mommy bunnies watched after their young or not. “Maybe he ate something he sho—” I was cut off.

  “Mom, he is moving. Mom!” James bellowed.

  He’s dead, I thought to myself and said, “I’m not sure he can do that. Maybe it’s muscle spasms.” I walked toward James and Trooper.

  “No Mom, really. Hurry come look.” He held the shovel in his right hand and was pointing at Trooper with his left forefinger.

  The first thing I noticed was Trooper’s ears moving.

  Oh my god, he is still alive. He is slowly dying. I hope he’s not in pain. I hadn’t even finished my thought when I noticed Trooper’s tiny mouth moving.

  “Eeeeeeee, Eeeeee” Trooper was squealing. The sound coming out of him was haunting and loud enough for both of us to realize he was in terrible pain. Trooper was wiggling on his side with his legs moving as if it was trying to run away. My heart dropped and I felt a knot in my stomach. I stared at him for a brief second not sure of what I should do. I thought about calling Jake back. I knew I couldn’t bury him. I also knew I was going to be hearing his cries for help in my dreams.

  “What should we do?” James asked me in a somber voice, looking rather zombielike.

  “I’m not sure,” was the only thing that came out of my mouth. I was stunned and heartbroken.

  James looked at me with a mixture of shock and sadness in his eyes. “Mom, I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep tonight.” He kneeled in front of Trooper and started to shoo the flies away.

  “I’m going to call the Humane Society— they’ll know what to do.” I turned and ran inside the house.