by NK Morales
I reached down and gently pulled Paige off the floor. I led her to the kitchen table where we both sat. I was holding both of her hands in mine. “If you’re serious about staying we need to fix our relationship. Starting with the need to set some ground rules,” I stated.
She didn’t say anything, simply nodded as she squeezed my hands.
“You need to go to rehab. Then you need to find something to occupy your time. Find a hobby, a job, or find someplace you can volunteer so you’re not at home all the time. I think any one or all of these activities will help give you a sense of accomplishment. Finally, you need to sever your ties with any and all your friends doing drugs. You can no longer spend time with them. Instead, you can spend time with your daughter. Or make new friends.”
I looked her in the eyes, studying her body language. I was trying to get a true feeling for what she was thinking. “I, on the other hand, promise to make an honest effort to be a better husband. I will keep my work at work. I will spend more time with you. I will do whatever it is you need me to do.”
“I don’t think I have a drug problem. I could quit smoking pot anytime.” She smiled way too easily, which meant she was trying to deceive me. I bit my tongue. I was going to let her finish what she had to say.
She continued, “Besides smoking pot isn’t bad. How could it be? It’s prescribed medicinally.”
“It is illegal, Paige,” I said.
“I’ll prove to you I can quit anytime I want to,” she claimed.
I noticed her face was almost glowing. She truly believed she could quit on her own. “You can’t sit there and tell me you can quit anytime you want to.” I pointed toward the mess in the kitchen. “Take a look around you. You single-handedly turned the kitchen upside down and for what? Dope? Who does shit like that?” I answered my own question, “An addict, that’s who.”
I continued disputing her claim with, “I see addicts in my line of work every day. They say they can quit anytime they want. The ugly truth is they can’t quit without help. Most of them end up replacing one addiction with another, usually a stronger, drug.”
“I can quit, I swear.”
“I’m sorry, Paige—if you really want this to work, rehab is a must. As is cutting ties with Taylor Kelly.”
“You can’t make me!” she screamed.
I kept my voice as calm as I could. “No Paige, I can’t. Again, you are the one who ultimately has to decide.”
I scooted my chair back. “You have till tomorrow night to decide whether you want to be a part of this family or not. If you choose not to, please be gone by the time I get home from work.”
With that being said I stood up, walked out of the kitchen, and headed to bed. I wasn’t going to give her an opportunity to respond. As I climbed the stairs I was thankful it was Friday night and Megan was spending the night at a friend’s house.
When I got home the following evening Paige and Megan were making dinner. It was time for me to put my big boy britches on. I had to keep the promises I made.
Chapter 33
Early Fall
Espe
I was sitting out on the deck drinking a cup of coffee, enjoying the beautiful fall morning. The sun was shining and the dew on the grass looked like sparkling diamonds. Several birds were chirping in nearby trees. The steam from my coffee rose in tiny spirals that evaporated into the air. It was a perfect morning. I was truly relaxed and at peace. I shut my eyes and inhaled deeply—the brisk air smelled like wet dirt and pine needles with a sprinkle of musk. In my tranquil state I continued to inhale the fresh air when out of nowhere an image of Drew popped into my head.
Aside from the occasional dream, it had been several years since the last time I thought of Drew. I wasn’t sure why I thought of him with confused sadness. I felt tightness in my gut; almost a nauseous feeling and it was overwhelming me. I couldn’t understand the feelings I was having—it almost felt like I had lost something but was relieved it was gone. Part of me wanted to cry, the other part of me wanted to sing out in joy. I knew on some level what I was experiencing wasn’t about my perception of Drew. I could never be happy I lost him. I cherished every minute I had with him including the heartache and the loss. He was my first love and eighteen-year-old me, to this day, still loved eighteen-year-old Drew. It was one of the strangest experiences I have ever had.
I was so lost in my thoughts I didn’t even notice when Jake sat in the chair next to me.
“You feeling okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, fine I was just thinking about an old friend.” I smiled at him.
Smiling back he said, “It’s such a nice day I was thinking about taking a bike ride to Leadville. We could take a small hike then head into town for some lunch.”
“A nice ride through the mountains would be great. I love this time of year with all the trees changing color.” Finishing my coffee, I asked excitedly, “When do you want to leave?”
Before taking a sip of his coffee, he said, “The sooner the better.”
I stood up and started walking inside. “Okay, let me put on a pair of jeans and make sure the boys have money in case they want to order a pizza for lunch.”
“Sounds good, I’m going to finish my coffee then head to the garage to get the bike ready.”
In less than thirty minutes we were headed Northwest on Colorado Highway 24.
During our one-hundred-thirty-mile trip I caught Jake shaking out his right hand several times. After about the tenth time I asked him, “Is your hand okay?”
“The vibration from the bike is making my Spidey sense tingle.”
Laughing, I thought, always a comedian.
It was almost ten thirty in the morning when we arrived in Leadville. The ride up was brisk and the scenery was statuesque. After a brief pit stop we headed to Twin Lakes for a five-mile hike.
It was two o’clock in the afternoon before we sat down for lunch.
“Dang, I am beat up. The hike took a lot out of me,” Jake said as he rested his head on the back of the booth we were sitting in.
“Tell me about it. I really need to get my ass back into the gym,” I retorted.
“Seriously Espe, I feel like I’m falling apart. If it’s not one part of my body hurting it’s another.” Closing his eyes he added, “Last week it took me three days to get rid of a headache. The week before I could have sworn I had a touch of the flu and today I can’t get the pins and needles feeling out of my hand.”
He chuckled before continuing. “I’m telling you, babe, if my body keeps this up I have no idea how much longer I’m going to be on God’s green earth.”
“You shouldn’t talk like that.” I reached across the table for his hands and rubbed my thumbs on the backside of his hands. “Maybe before I order your casket you should see a doctor,” I said as I raised my eyebrows.
“Maybe,” he said while reaching for his iced tea with one hand and placing the other on his lap.
Good old Jake not willing to show any type of affection in public. No hugs, no kisses, no spooning, nope not Jake. The only time he touched me was when he wanted sex, I thought to myself. Sometimes he acted more like a brother than a husband. I wondered if other couples experienced similar issues.
I leaned in toward him. “How long has it been since you had a physical?”
Snickering. “Years.”
“Maybe it’s about time, don’t you think?”
“I’m sure I’m fine. It’s nothing to worry about.” Looking out the window he said, “The doctor will probably just say it is the start of carpel tunnel from all the repetitive motion of using a socket wrench.” He laughed. “All joking aside, if it’s still bothering me in a week I’ll make an appointment, I promise.”
Chapter 34
Same day
Drew
I didn’t think I was a demanding husband. All I ever asked from Paige was for her to be honest with me. I didn’t care if she couldn’t cook or clean. I didn’t care if her friends were over when I got ho
me from work. Those were minor details. The only thing I truly cared about was Megan. I wanted her to grow up to be a respectful human being. To be mentally strong with a good head on her shoulders. I wanted her to be healthy. To believe in herself. To be confidant. I wanted her to know she was loved by both of her parents.
I’m not going to lie. There were many times during this cluster fuck of a marriage I thought about leaving. The only thing that kept me trying to make it work was Megan. I thought if I could just stay married to Paige till Megan graduated from high school, by then Megan would be well-rounded.
I couldn’t even remember the last time Paige and I had a good time. It had been months since we’d done anything together as husband and wife. I think the last time we had sex was a year and a half ago. The sad part was I had no desire to sleep with her. If there ever had been a time I was happy with Paige it was long gone and forgotten.
This last stunt Paige pulled told me I couldn’t live like this anymore. Did she honestly think I was stupid enough to believe her latest lie?
Who in the hell goes to the grocery store on Friday night and doesn’t come home till Sunday afternoon? With no fucking groceries!
I am so done!
According to Paige her car broke down on the way to the grocery store and she couldn’t find her cell phone to call me. She tried to walk home and got lost. She walked back to the car where she slept for two nights. No one had stopped to help her. Then this morning she tried to start the car and it worked. Not to mention she found her cell phone and her battery was dead.
She sure as hell didn’t look like she’d spent two nights stranded in her car.
We lived on Coronado Island, population around 19,000. Land area 7.7 square miles. She could have walked down every fucking street in less than two days.
We have lived in the same fucking house for four fucking years! She went to the same damn grocery store three times a week. How in the hell could she get lost? If she truly was lost why in the hell does she look like she just stepped out of the shower? Fresh makeup. Perfectly combed hair. Clean clothes. I’m pretty sure your cell phone doesn’t fucking buzz when it’s dead.
I gave her everything she asked for. A large home, a nice car, a huge closet, money to spend, and family vacations.
I was done with her lies, her frivolous spending, her constant nagging, and her attitude. I was done with her off-the-wall excuses. I was tired of living in a pig pen. I was tired of the way she treated our daughter. I was tired of constantly defending her actions to my family and friends. I was tired of coming home to find Megan crying. Most of all I was tired of trying to make my marriage work. The more I thought about all the shit I had to put up with over the last sixteen years the more I resented her. Everything about her was a lie and I hated her.
I grabbed Paige’s chin between my thumb and forefinger. “Paige. You are my wife,” I said sharply.
I tilted my head down enough for my nose to be even with hers. I made sure my words came out slowly. “You know I am a DEA Agent. I work for the U.S. government. In. Drug. Enforcement.”
Nodding my head slightly I said, “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
I raised her head up so I could look into her eyes. “Did you really think I’d let you go missing for forty-eight hours?
Her eyes started to water. “It’s true Drew, every word. I swear!” she replied.
She really thought I was stupid.
Releasing her chin, I closed my eyes and ran my hands through my hair. I was doing everything I could to control my anger. It wasn’t working. “Paige. Go ahead and tell yourself whatever you need to make yourself feel better.” I added.
Tears were running down her face. Between sobs she cried, “Drew I swear … to ... you, I was lost and … and I couldn’t get ahold of you.”
I was at my breaking point. “Hold on to your words, Paige, because talk is cheap.”
I said in a threatening voice, “Now tell me again where you were?”
I was giving her a few seconds to come clean.
She didn’t.
I took several steps back. I wanted to make sure she heard what I was saying. “I know where you were, Paige, and you sure as hell weren’t stranded in your car. You were at Taylor’s. She had a party, remember?”
“It wasn’t me,” she said as she rolled her hands into fists and looked away from me. “I haven’t seen Taylor since I went to rehab.”
Crossing my arms over my chest I raised my eyebrows. “Damn, Paige! Why do you have to lie to me?” I took a deep breath and continued. “You’re telling me you don’t remember walking into Taylor’s house with Cruz Chavez? He’s a leading drug dealer for the Mexican Cartel. Did you think there wouldn’t be eyes on him?”
I placed my hands on her arms and looked directly at her. “Now please tell me again how you were not at Taylor’s getting fucked up.” I said in a sarcastic tone. “Please, I’m listening.”
“So what if I was. It’s not like you fucking care,” she hissed at me.
My voice was rising. “What? Are you serious?”
She sat on the couch and wiped her eyes. She was no longer crying. All I could see was emptiness in her eyes. “It’s not like you’ve never cheated on me before.”
Did she just say she cheated on me?
A lump got stuck in my throat. I had to place my hand on the wall to steady myself. “Excuse me?”
Turning her head away from me she said, “You heard me.”
“Well, you obviously didn’t hear me.” I exclaimed. “I asked you to tell me how you weren’t getting fucked up. Not getting fucked.” I grabbed her by her arm, pulled her off the couch, and turned her so she was facing me. “You are out of your fucking mind, woman. I have never, and I mean never, cheated on you. I have done everything I could to try to make you happy, Paige. Apparently my best just isn’t good enough for you. Instead of telling me you’re not happy you go out and get yourself fucked by the first guy who comes along.”
“You’re right, Drew, although he wasn’t the first.” She yanked her arm away from my grip and headed upstairs.
I looked at her with overwhelming hatred and disgust. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
I’m seriously going to kill this bitch. Where’s my fucking gun?
It was days like today when I was thankful for my father’s wisdom. It was his voice in my head telling me that if I didn’t walk out the door with my daughter immediately I was probably going to kill my crazy bitch wife.
“I’m taking Megan,” I yelled. “You have three hours to gather you shit and get out. Anything you leave behind will be thrown out.”
Bewilderment covered her face. “You can’t be serious!”
“Deadly!” I replied as I walked toward the pool to get Megan.
Running up to me, Paige grabbed my arm and turned me toward her. “Please, Drew, you can’t do this to me.”
Her face was streaming with tears once again. “What will I do? Where will I live?” she asked angrily.
I pulled my arm from her grasp. “Two hours fifty-nine minutes and counting,” I said.
Falling to the floor she yelled, “I want my allowance?”
I looked at her with disbelief then walked out the door.
Chapter 35
Winter
Drew
The last two years of my life have been hectic. So much has happened. I was certainly happier. The sun appeared brighter these days. I even think I heard myself laugh a few times lately. I was finally able to be myself. It was truly one of the greatest feelings on earth. I forgot who I was while I was married to Paige. I’d spent so much time trying to please her I got lost trying to be someone I wasn’t.
Thanks to the prenup my divorce was unquestionable. I can’t count all the times Paige tried to find a loophole to contest. I spent months between work, meetings with lawyers, and mediation. Everything she debated was financially related. Not once did she ever ask for custody of Megan. Not even split custody. Paige rece
ived nothing, not even alimony. It wasn’t until the divorce was final that Paige wanted to spend time with Megan.
In the beginning I encouraged Megan to spend time with her mom, But Megan wanted nothing to do with her. It hurt her deeply knowing her mother didn’t fight for her. It was hard for Megan to be civil when she knew her mother was more interested in money than her.
Megan admitted she thought the divorce should have happened years before. Once Paige and I split up Megan became a different person. She was no longer begging for attention by getting into trouble. Her hair was no longer dyed black but her natural strawberry blonde color. She still skipped school on occasion—which I didn’t approve of—but I didn’t give her too hard a time because her GPA was a 3.85.
I put all of my energy and frustrations into my work. If I wasn’t working on seizing the assets of drug dealers I was trying to stop the growing drug problem in this country. I did whatever I could. If it meant educating kids on the dangers of illegal drugs I could be found at the schools throughout the community. When I was at the office I was working on strategies to stop drug trafficking. When out in the field if I wasn’t conducting surveillance, and busting criminals I was focused on following the drug money. I was recently promoted to Special Agent in Charge. I loved my job and I spent most of my time at work.
If I wasn’t at work I was taxiing Megan around. Sometimes I’d leave work to drive Megan to practice, go back to work, then drive back to pick her up. I was a built-in taxi driver, and if I wasn’t taking her to school, it was volleyball practice, track practice, Kenpo practice, the mall, the movies, a friend’s house. It was a pain in the ass sometimes. I felt as if I was always driving. If I wasn’t driving Megan around I was driving around for work. At times I thought I could drive the streets of San Diego with my eyes closed.