Shattered Essence

by NK Morales

I turned to face him in the hallway. “What can you tell me, doctor?”

  He stood across from me, his feet shoulder length apart and his arms crossed over his chest.

  “Jake has a Glioblastoma tumor. It is considered one of the most invasive types, grows rapidly, and spreads into nearby tissue. During surgery we discovered the tumor was the size of a golf ball and had spread into nearby tissue like a web. Making it impossible for us to remove it all.

  “Is it cancer?” I asked.

  “Yes, I’m afraid so.”

  “Can another operation be possible in the future?” I asked.

  “Since the tumor has already started to weave around tissue, nerves, and blood vessels it will only continue to grow. We can’t remove it surgically without causing complete brain damage and he very well may end up in a vegetative state if we tried. We have two options, chemo and radiation treatment or nothing. His cancer is currently in stage four. We estimate he has three months to live. If you decide to go with chemo and radiation it might help to extend his life a few more months. However, he’ll be sick from treatment. He’ll probably feel like he has a really bad case of the flu. If you opt to do nothing, he’ll be able to enjoy the last bit of time he has left. As the cancer spreads, however, he will become weaker.”

  He was saying words I did not want to hear. I felt hollow. I needed time to comprehend all he had said.

  “Thank you doctor, I need some time to digest what you’ve said. How can I reach you if I have additional questions?”

  “Just get one of the nurses to page me,” he replied before turning and walking away.

  I’m not sure how long I stood in the hallway before a nurse came and walked me to the waiting room. Concern and worry was all I could see on everyone’s faces.

  “James, Josh, do me a favor, run to the cafeteria and bring back some coffee and muffins or something. I want to talk to your grandparents for a minute. When you get back we’ll chat. Okay?”

  Because Jake was in the recovery room, we weren’t allowed to sit with him. Once every hour one of us was allowed to visit Jake for a ten-minute stretch. Josh, James, his mom, his dad, his sister and I all took turns. Hour after hour we were informed all the beds in the ICU were occupied. As soon as one was available Jake would be moved. By eight o’clock in the evening Jake was still in recovery. It was so frustrating not being allowed to see him, to spend time with him because of the other patients sharing the recovery room with Jake. I protested several times. I wanted someone with him. What if he woke up and no one was around?

  At ten o’clock at night they advised us they were going to take Jake for a CAT scan and finally move him to the ICU. What a relief I thought, finally he will be surrounded by loved ones.

  I was standing next to the nurse’s station when I saw Jake’s bed being wheeled down the hall. Dr. Moore was not far behind. I waited for him. I wanted to know the results of the CAT scan.

  “Dr. Moore, do you have results from the scan?”

  “Unfortunately, Jake has not been responding the way we’d hoped he would.” He opened a large yellow envelope and pulled out an X-ray of Jake’s brain. “The results indicate Jake is brain dead; he can longer breathe on his own.”

  He held the X-ray to the light and all I saw was black. I could make out Jake’s skull, but where his brain should be was only a black void.

  Confused, I needed answers. “I’m sorry Doctor, I don’t understand. Jake was moving, trying to talk less than twelve hours ago. What could possibly have gone wrong?”

  “The swelling in his brain didn’t go down as we would have wanted. The swelling increases pressure inside the skull. The pressure buildup makes it difficult for blood to flow to the brain. This deprives the brain of oxygen as well as blocking fluids from leaving the brain, making the swelling worse. Regrettably, the skull’s thick bone protecting the brain offers very little room for the brain to swell.” He looked uncomfortable and his demeanor was one filled with anguish. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Anderson.”

  Could this day get any worse?

  I was going to lose my freaking mind. I squeezed the bridge of my nose in the hopes of gaining my wits back. “What’s next?”

  “You can let the machine continue to breathe for him or you could take some time to say goodbye.”

  “What in the hell am I supposed to do?” This was too much for me to handle. I wanted to shoot the doctor, scream from the top of my lungs, and beat the shit out of Jake for putting me in this situation. I had to walk away.

  “I need some fresh air,” I said as I turned to walk out of the building.

  As I headed to the elevator Josh and James each took a hand and walked with me in silence. It was as if they knew I was falling apart.

  I was sitting on a bench with my boys in front of the hospital, thinking. If Jake’s brain was dead, was his soul gone? Or did it need to be set free? I became aware of the calm feeling I had experienced at home. Surprisingly, I understood. It was time for Jake to return the life he’d been lent.

  An hour passed before the three of us walked into Jake’s room.

  I held Jake’s hand and leaned into him, caressing his face with my other hand. “I know it’s not enough for me to say I’m sorry. I should have paid attention. Maybe I’m to blame. I should have been here. I will never forgive myself.” Tears were streaming down my face. “It is such a shame it has to end this way. I promise I will be what you need me to be.”

  I kissed his lips lightly, “It’s time to say goodbye. I hope you find peace. Love you.”

  This by far was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. I gave everyone a chance to say their goodbyes. Everyone in the room was desperately trying to be strong when we called for the nurse.

  When the nurse came in and removed the tube from Jake’s mouth it took no less than eight seconds for the last bit of air to leave his lungs and fifty-three seconds before he was pronounced legally dead.

  The boys crumpled to the ground along with Anna. Betty surprised me by wrapping her arms around me. I was completely numb. All I wanted to do was break down but I couldn’t, not yet anyway. I had to stop the flow of tears. The boys would be looking to me for support and comfort. I couldn’t be there for them if I was a blubbering idiot.

  I needed to start thinking about funeral arrangements. Moving his body back to Colorado Springs, should I cremate or bury? Who do I need to call? The boys came to my side and buried their heads into my shoulders. I let them cry as I rubbed their backs.

  I honestly didn’t know what to think, what to do. I couldn’t feel. I stood in Jake’s ICU room, frozen to the floor. I couldn’t fathom Jake was dead. Jake was gone. Jake would never be coming back. Jake would never make me laugh again. Jake was dead, as in never taking another breath. I had mixed feelings. I was glad he wasn’t going to suffer through months of chemo and radiation therapy. I was glad he would never have to feel pain again. I was bitter that his boys would continue to grow up without him. Jake would never see them graduate from high school. He would never see them get married. He would never get to see them turn into men.

  Oh God, I can’t believe I will never hear his voice again.

  I was devastated. I would never see him smile again. I would never hear him laugh again.

  I hated myself for all the times he complained of a headache and I blew him off telling him to go take some Advil.

  All the times I hated him for letting me down. All the times I wanted him to be someone else. All the times he was an ass and I wished him dead. I especially loathed myself for those thoughts.

  Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it, I thought.

  Why did every man I ever loved leave me?

  Chapter 37

  Drew

  I had an icy chill all the way to my bones. It was raining something wicked out. The ceiling creaked and a window someplace in the house was whistling. The wind was blowing so hard I was convinced the roof would blow off.

  I was brushing my teeth in front of the
fireplace trying to warm up. I was brushing along, up down up down left right up down, when I suddenly felt despondent. Out of nowhere an empty pit formed in my stomach. I was nervous even though I had no reason to be. I had an overwhelming urge to cry. I was all choked up. My mouth was full of toothpaste, preventing me from swallowing. I blinked several times to keep my eyes from shedding tears. I was struggling to fight my emotions. I could feel my stomach forming into a ball. I was breathless. I placed my hand over my chest as I tried to breath through my nose. My heart felt like it was made of lead. I didn’t understand what I was experiencing. It was a strange sensation.

  There was no reason for this outburst of emotion. There wasn’t anything going on in my life that would result in the feelings I was having. I stood with tears in my eyes and toothbrush in hand, contemplating what in the hell was going on. My thoughts and my brain agreed there was no reason for me to be in despair.

  I started examining the impressions overwhelming me. In my mind I wasn’t sad. I had no emotion, I was simply thinking about the experience I was having. Except, ultimately, I felt my heart troubled. Every part of me wanted to break down and I didn’t understand why. The last time I was this miserable was the day I left the dude ranch and Esperanza.

  When I was eighteen!

  Chapter 38

  Present Day

  Espe

  All my life I have been drawn to the mountains and the ocean. When I was a kid I used to love visiting my Aunt Sally. She would always bring me to the beach. I would sit for hours playing in the sand listening to the waves crash on the shore. The sound soothed me. It was peaceful and I felt like the ocean was talking to me. It would tell me anything was possible. I could be and do anything I wanted.

  I was excited when I was promoted to a senior partner and asked to relocate to San Diego. I had lived half my life in the mountains. Now I could spend the other half of my life near the ocean. As an added bonus I was living closer to my Aunt Sally. She was getting up there in years and my parents were glad I would be around to check in on her every now and then.

  I had only been in San Diego for four months and there was no doubt I missed the mountains. Sure, there were mountains east of San Diego but it wasn’t the same as living on a mountain or driving through them every day. One thing was certain; I was fired up about no more harsh winters. No more snow. I wasn’t going to miss warming up the car before going to work. I would never have to shovel the driveway again. No longer would I be hibernating from November to March.

  I was optimistic about leaving Colorado. I was given an opportunity to close one chapter in my life and begin a new one. One filled with promise, sunshine, beaches, and warm weather. I was content with my life for the first time in years.

  My boys Josh and James were playing college football in Nebraska and living on campus. Both of them received scholarships. James for athletics and Josh for academics. I was proud of my boys and I knew their dad would’ve been too. I worried about them constantly. I was grateful Jake’s parents lived less than an hour away. For all the crap Jake’s mother, Betty, put me through over the years she was crazy about the twins. As soon as they were born her whole attitude changed toward me. I’m not sure what changed but I was glad it did. She had always spoiled the twins but since Jake’s death she has worshiped and babied them. There was no wrong either one of them could do in her eyes. She would drive to Lincoln once a week to do their laundry and their shopping. I couldn’t thank Betty and Bill enough for keeping an eye on my boys. Even with their grandparents nearby I knew I’d never completely stop worrying about them. They were mine and the only thing that mattered to me in my life.

  As I was leaving Pacific Beach, after an hour of walking barefoot on the sand, my cell phone started buzzing, interrupting my thoughts.

  “Hey, Josh, how are you?”

  “I’m tired. We just finished practice and I thought I’d call to see how you were doing before I jumped in the shower.” He sounded so much like his father.

  “I was headed to the grocery store for milk, eggs, and some tortillas.” I was glad to hear his voice. “Everything is great, mijo. I really do love it here. How are you and James getting along?”

  “We’re doing fine Mom, there’s no need for you to worry about us.” I could almost see him rolling his eyes.

  “I know, I know. I just miss you guys.”

  “I miss you too Mom. Are you still planning on going to our game next week?”

  “UCLA, next Saturday? Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  “Can’t wait to see—”

  Cutting Josh off I yelled. “Oh, shit!”

  I heard fear in his voice when he asked, “Mom, what happened?”

  “Oh shit, Josh. This guy is so totally going to kick my ass. I am going to have to call you back.”

  Josh was yelling back. “Mom? Mom? What the hell is going on?”

  “My flip-flop slid off the brake pedal and I just ran into an SUV with government tags. I am so dead. Love you, call you in a few, bye.” I ended the call not giving Josh an opportunity to question me further. I couldn’t recall the number of times I scolded my boys on using their cell phones and driving.

  Look at me calling the kettle black.

  I thought about hiding my phone and pretending I wasn’t talking on it. But this was a government vehicle I hit. I shouldn’t press my luck. Reaching inside my glove box for my insurance papers I could see the guy getting out of the SUV through my peripheral vision. This guy was tall, built like a brick house and sexy as hell.

  Definitely law enforcement.

  I could tell he was pissed by the way his eyebrows were furrowed. I had a feeling he was throwing darts at me from behind his dark black shades.

  I am so screwed.

  I had butterflies in my stomach and wasn’t sure if I was nervous or freaked out. I was eager, edgy, impatient, fidgety, and excited all at the same time. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cry. Sure he was attractive but he wasn’t the only attractive man I had seen since living in San Diego. I was bewildered by my body’s response to Mr. Government man. My body had a mind of its own.

  Yummy, me likey. My nether region was pulsing. I was erotically attracted to this man.

  Aye Dios mio! What in the hell am I thinking.?.

  Not thinking was more like it. He looked good enough to eat and I wanted a taste. More importantly I wanted to kick my own ass for thinking such things. I couldn’t believe my mind and body were in cahoots conspiring against me. The mini-porno playing in my head was wrong on so many levels.

  Stupid hormones. Stupid body. Stupid sexy G-Man.

  By the way Mr. G-Man was looking at me I was pretty sure he was thinking about hauling my ass to the slammer and throwing away the key.

  He just stood there staring at me. I thought maybe I had a booger hanging out of my nose. I bent down to look at myself in the door mirror.

  No boogers.

  Why is he staring at me?

  Oh shit, what if he wasn’t really law enforcement and was one of those serial killers pretending to be a cop to capture their victims?

  Skunk balls!

  I was becoming fearful and I had to remind myself to show no fear.

  Smiling, I stepped away from my car. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you. I know it’s my fault. I had a minor shoe malfunction. Here’s the number to my insurance company.” I was a blabbering idiot.

  The crooked smile he was giving me looked familiar and had the hairs on my arms standing straight up. At this point I didn’t give a crap how delicious he looked or about the warm fuzzies in my belly. I needed to get the hell away.

  He moved slightly, taking baby steps toward me.

  I had to remind myself. Show no fear. Show no fear. But be prepared to run your ass off.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” I said emotionlessly, hoping to hide my fear while taking a few steps backward.

  Jeez, by the concentration on his face one might have thought I killed h
is dog or something. Eeew, what if I did kill his dog? What if his dog hit the windshield? What if the air bag deployed, hitting his dog and stopping his heart? What if I did hit his vehicle harder than I thought? Did he have a dog?

  Hell if I knew. If I’d been paying attention to the road and not talking on the phone, I might have known.

  No response from the G-Man, only half a smile.

  I was getting angry because he was staring at me like I was a side of beef. “Look here, you big ape, I don’t know why you keep looking at me like I’m from outer space, but I’d appreciate it if you would stop. It is making me uncomfortable. Also I hope I didn’t kill your dog, but if I did, I can’t even begin to apologize.”

  He gave me an even bigger smile, then started chuckling.

  I’m a dead woman. Yup! My body won’t be found for years.

  “Esperanza Alejandra Reyes.”

  My mouth dropped. Oh shit! He knows my name. I turned left then right looking for an escape route. My mind was running in five different directions and my body continued to wreak havoc on my senses. The closer he got the harder my heart pounded. My knees were becoming weak. My stomach was doing summersaults. I felt my eyeballs attempt to jump out of their sockets.

  “Oh my god!” I covered my mouth; this couldn’t be happening. I must be unconscious right now. It took a few seconds before I understood what was happening.

  The floodgates were opening. I knew that voice. I had dreamt of that voice for years. I started recalling his touch, his eyes, the way he smelled, his body. I could feel tingles rising from my feet moving upward until my entire body was burning from a pins-and-needles sensation. I had to be dead.

  “Espe?”

  “Drew?”

  He smiled, removing his sunglasses.

  “Andrew Robert Malone!” I screeched as I ran and jumped on him. I wrapped my legs around his waist, anchoring myself to his body. I gave him a bear hug while discreetly sniffing the crook of his neck. The second my skin came in contact with his I felt an electric vibe run down my spine.