by Jill Maguire
“Where is he?” Patience had vaguely asked of Warren at one point. Then more fiercely, “Where is he?! What did you do with him?” Patience wasn’t aware of the hurt she inflicted with her accusatory tone. Sudden anger arose inside her. How could her husband be dead when his own brother was right here in front of her? Warren was a no-good man who contributed nothing to the family and now he held the burden of the future for both women. Fury caused Patience to shake violently as she stared menacingly at Warren.
“I brought him back. The minister’s assistant found a…..a coffin. His body is at the church. But Patience,” Warren shuddered. “I cannot let you see him. Not like that.”
Fresh tears fell as another crushing wave of grief came upon Patience. The realization that she would never again look into the handsome face of her husband and couldn’t properly say goodbye, felt like the hand of God had struck her down. Patience felt her body weaken and the room began to spin. She tried to brace herself against the sturdy table leg, but before she could grasp it, the room went black and Patience fell against the floor.
The next day Clayton’s body was buried in the small cemetery beside the church. Ruth was not strong enough to attend, her whole body was wracked with grief and she stayed in bed for several days. Patience wished to closet herself away too, but not in bed. No, not the bed she had shared with Clayton. She could not lie in that bed again. Ever again. She had lain wide awake through the night before on the couch at Warren’s house, unable to return home.
Clayton had been well-liked in the community and now, at the service, many had come to pay their respects to a man who had been so kind. Everyone looked with deep sorrow and pity at Patience, a young widow with child. What was she to do now?
Patience herself had not yet considered her own circumstances; her thoughts too engulfed in agony. She could only wonder at how she would ever manage to continue on without Clayton by her side. And whether or not she even wanted to? If not for the life inside her, the only remaining existence of Clayton, Patience thought she would rather just give up.
But she had to go on. She had to ensure their baby was born strong and healthy, and raise him to be kind and loving, just like Clayton.
Chapter 4
Patience was listless and morose over the following weeks. She ignored everyone who came to her house with condolences. She hardly spoke, though friends tried to coax her to, and she could only be persuaded to eat on account of the baby. Clayton’s baby. Sleep was far from her as well, even though she had returned home from Warren & Ruth’s. Patience continued to sleep in the living room on the couch and as time stretched on, Patience grew weaker and more despondent.
The attempts Patience made to return to her teaching were disastrous. She couldn’t help but give way to tears or stare out the window lost in her own grief and when parents voiced their concern, the superintendent of the schoolhouse had no choice but to release Patience from her position as teacher.
As the weeks wore on Patience knew she had to begin eating more or the baby would never grow. She roused herself to the simple task of preparing meals, though she could barely lift the pots and platters. She fell onto the couch exhausted every evening and often took naps throughout the day. Depression settled in as the cold and dark winter months cast an added pall to her grief.
One day Patience awoke to the knowledge that she couldn’t continue living in this house alone forever. Everywhere she turned memories of Clayton and their life together flooded her heart with fresh sorrow. She could hardly stand to be there, and yet she couldn’t imagine leaving the house for good. Patience wanted to cling to those memories and not let them go, but she also felt the emptiness without Clayton’s presence infusing life into them.
Ruth’s health continued to worsen. This Patience knew through Warren who came by the house from time to time for reasons unknown to her. She wished Warren would leave her alone and the disdain she felt toward her brother-in-law deepened. It angered her still that she now depended upon his protection and provision; as her late husband’s brother he was now the family’s provider. This was little comfort to Patience. Warren had never been able to hold a job, he was lazy and thankless and, though he was very handsome, he had never been married. The times Warren stopped by the house, Patience tried her best to remain aloof and ignore him as well as she could.
On one such day, in late spring, Warren came over and immediately entered the house, not bothering to fidget around outside as he normally did. He found Patience sitting in the kitchen staring into the fire she had built that morning.
“Hello Patience,” Warren removed his hat and stood quietly until Patience looked over as if she had been pulled out of a trance. After glancing at him, she looked back into the fire. Warren continued, “I came over to tell you that I answered an ad in the Matrimonial News on your behalf. I found a husband for you. He is a wealthy rancher in Wyoming and he will be able to take care of you.”
As Warren made his astonishing announcement, Patience’s breath came harder and faster and before she could think twice about her reaction, she exploded in a fit of rage.
“How could you?” Patience jumped from her chair and faced Warren squarely. Renewed disgust for him seethed through her every word. “You had no right to arrange a marriage for me! This is outrageous! I will not enter into such a situation!” Patience paced back and forth glaring at Warren all the while. He noticed that she had become shockingly thin though her belly was distended to show the life growing inside of her. Large dark circles rimmed her eyes from lack of sleep.
“Patience, what option do you have? You can’t live alone and raise the baby by yourself. We have to sell this place to make ends meet anyway, you and the baby have no place else to go.”
“If you could only hold down a job we wouldn’t have to sell this place!” Patience interrupted him. Warren stood still for a moment in silence. He looked mildly shocked but recovered quickly.
“This is your only choice. Everything is arranged already.”
“Good, leave it to you, Warren, ship me off to someone else. I will no longer be a burden to you. You must be very happy to be rid of me!” Warren didn’t acknowledge her words but seemed to be waiting. His silence irritated Patience further. She began to feel dizzy and lightheaded from her exertions. Patience sat down and breathed deeply. Her thoughts beginning to calm. She knew Warren was right, there was no other alternative. The thought of marrying a stranger frightened her no small amount, but she could not keep on by herself.
After what seemed like an eternity of silence, Patience finally whispered, “How will I get to Wyoming?” Her tone was calm but still thick with bitterness.
“There is a team of wagons leaving for Wyoming next week. I will escort you there.” Warren replied. “We leave on Wednesday.” With that, Warren left and Patience laid upon the couch, bitter tears spilling down around her.
Chapter 5
Over the next few days, Patience was forced to face her life, the life she was now leaving behind. Room by room she walked through the house and let the memories flood her in waves. She would mourn the loss of this house she had shared with Clayton, but also felt a small relief in leaving. She hoped it would be less exhausting to not be reminded of him at every turn.
In the end, Patience decided to take very little with her. Some clothing, a few tokens from her family, and the baby things Ruth had already prepared, all fit into one small trunk. Patience never removed the locket Clayton had given her with a picture of himself in it, nor the simple wedding band he gave her when they were married. She wondered vaguely if her new husband would ask her to take it off. Every thought of an arrangement with a new husband made Patience shudder with queasiness.
Patience spent as much time as she could with Ruth before she left. She felt comfort in knowing that the elderly matron would be attended by the minister’s wife in Warren’s absence. Ruth was slowly regaining her strength, but a profound sorrow lurked in the depths of her eyes which had not been there befor
e.
On Tuesday evening, Patience sat with Ruth after they finished supper and reminded her that the wagon train would leave early the next morning.
“My dear, I have been wanting to tell you, but I can’t seem to,” Ruth broke off as fresh tears assailed her. Patience took her mother-in-law’s hand in both of hers and squeezed them gently. Ruth composed herself and continued. “I want to say thank you. Thank you for being a good wife to my son. He loved you so much and you made him very, very happy. It brought me great joy to see him so. And you are still having his child. A piece of him will live on,” Ruth sighed deeply and squeezed Patience’s hands in return.
“Well Mama, you raised a wonderful man,” Patience replied, tears welling in her eyes.
“Yes, well, I raised two wonderful men, my dear,” Ruth smiled faintly. “I know Warren will look after you on this journey.” Patience stifled a sigh and forced a smile.
“I should sleep now, Mama. I want plenty of rest before we have to leave.”
“Yes, dear, you need your rest. I just –“ Ruth looked troubled and shook her head.
“What is it Mama?” Patience prompted gently.
“I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but I see that it is the only choice you have. You are taking my grandchild far from me and I will miss you both dearly. I have come to love you as a daughter,” Ruth inhaled sharply but smiled at Patience, putting a hand on the younger woman’s cheek. “The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face shine upon you and bring you peace.”
Patience looked into the loving eyes of her mother-in-law as silent tears traced their way down her cheeks.
In the morning Patience woke at dawn. She had stayed at Warren’s house in order to leave more quickly and she found Warren in the kitchen sipping coffee that was simmering on the wood stove.
“Help yourself to some,” Warren offered using his half-empty mug to gesture to the bubbling pot.
“Thank you, but I’m fine,” Patience replied stiffly. She had resigned herself to the journey ahead and prayed that God would prepare her for her new life waiting in Wyoming, but she was determined to speak with Warren as little as possible along the way.
Warren had purchased a small wagon with some of Clayton’s money and it sat waiting in the lane in front of the house. He hoisted his and Patience’s trunks into the wagon and hitched two horses to the front. Patience began to climb onto the front bench, ignoring Warren’s extended hand of assistance. The extra weight of the baby threw her off only slightly and she settled onto the bench leaving as much space between her and Warren as she could safely allow.
Warren drove the wagon into town to meet the rest of the wagon train. A rough-looking man on a horse took charge and gathered everyone together, calling for silence. It was a small group heading out to Wyoming, mostly men, and Patience couldn’t decide if she would feel safer or more alone and vulnerable in this group.
“Howdy, my name is Clive, I will be leading this train,” the man on the horse introduced himself. He spoke of what the trail would be like to Wyoming and what he expected of everyone in order to maintain safety from Indians and wild animals. Patience realized that his rough appearance, his lined and tanned skin and weathered hands, were evidence of a life lived on the wagon trails.
As Clive finished his speech, looking around at everyone gathered, his eyes rested on Patience for a moment and he looked grim. Patience suddenly felt self-conscious and averted her eyes. She wished there were some way to tell Clive that this was the last thing she ever thought she would do and the last place she ever wished to be. Patience fought back tears at the reminder of what her life was now, and of what was taken from her. She took a deep breath and looked up again. Clive pointed his horse west and the train started off.
The first few days passed in absolute silence between Patience and Warren. He drove the wagon and tended to the horses well and often spoke with the men around the fire in the evenings. Some of the men spoke with Patience as well, but she replied to their questions curtly and kept conversations short. There was one other woman in the small party heading west, but she kept to herself and usually stayed in her wagon in the evenings.
Patience rode on the bench with Warren most of the time, though she walked when she began to feel stiff, or lay down among blankets in the back when her condition made her too tired. From time to time Warren would hand the reins to Patience so that he could walk for a while, or assist if someone was having trouble.
Patience continued to ignore Warren as much as she could under the circumstances, but she became aware that his gaze was often on her, and this grated on her raw emotions. He was very handsome, as Clayton had been, though his coloring was very different. Where Clayton had been fair with blond hair and eyes as blue as the sky in early spring, Warren was dark with brown hair and brown eyes. But the fact that he had never married was no wonder to Patience. Who would want to live with such a man?
It wasn’t until the fourth day of travelling that Warren began to speak of his brother.
Chapter 6
“Clayton would have loved a trip like this. He would have called it an adventure,” Warren spoke softly and kept his gaze on the wagon ahead. Patience tensed and tried to appear as if she hadn’t heard him. She doubted very much that Clayton would have approved of his brother whisking her away only to marry her off to a stranger. No, Clayton would not like a trip like this. He would abhor the idea.
Patience fought back tears at the thought of Clayton and what he would think if he knew what she was headed into. Maybe he did know. That thought saddened her even more. Patience believed Clayton was in heaven, with God, but she secretly hoped that he wasn’t watching over her at this moment. If he was, perhaps he’d be angry that she hadn’t tried harder to stop Warren’s plan.
Warren continued even though Patience hadn’t uttered a single word after his comment about his brother.
“I tried to be a good brother and I try to be a good son to Ma. He was such a better person than me,” Warren’s cheek twitched with emotion. “He loved you, Patience. I never saw him so happy as he was with you.”
“Stop,” Patience suddenly pleaded.
“Come now Patience, you have hardly spoken to anyone since it happened. Neither have I. Sometimes I wish -” Warren stopped and Patience glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. Warren was softly shaking his head.
Anger roiled up inside her. How dare he imply that she needed to speak about her deceased husband. How dare he speak to her at all! He had taken her from her home to marry her off to a stranger without ever consulting her. And now he wanted to talk about Clayton – about how much he would have enjoyed this trip! Patience couldn’t believe his audacity. She cut off all his attempts at conversation with her silence and tried to focus on her own thoughts now crowded with memories of Clayton. A deep despair filled her soul.
After a few more attempts at conversation, Warren took Patience’s cold hints and resumed his stoic silence. Warren battled deep feelings of despair himself and only sought to find comfort in Patience whose grief must be even greater than his own. Warren found himself wanting to be more attentive and helpful to Patience even though she resisted. Perhaps, he thought to himself, he was driven by guilt over forcing her into this marriage. But he had made a promise to Clayton and he intended to keep that promise. To him this seemed like the best option to care for Patience, ensuring her a rightful marriage and caretaker for her unborn baby. This rancher would take care of her, she would have everything she could ever want with him. Yes, this was the right thing to do. Patience just didn’t see it yet. In time she would see how Warren was providing for her. Besides, all that mattered to Warren was that he keep his word to his brother. He only had to get Patience to Wyoming safely to fulfill his end of the bargain.
Warren tucked his grief aside and tried to quietly anticipate Patience’s needs in order to care well for her on this straining journey. He wanted to be above reproach in Patience’s eyes at the end of the road.
Warren made sure she had plenty to eat, and the other men in the wagon train tried to be obliging in this way as well, considering her condition. Warren was quick to offer her a blanket or a shawl whenever she seemed the least bit chilly and he made sure she always drank plenty of water.
Soon Patience couldn’t help but notice Warren’s attentiveness. She thought he was probably acting out of some feeling of obligation to take care of her, as she was his brother’s wife, but Patience didn’t resist his kindness. It had been a rough trip so far, the spring rains were making everything miserable and Patience always seemed tired and unusually cold. As time dragged on, Patience began to welcome and even expect Warren’s attentions.
She had never seen him act so thoughtful or caring towards another person before. Patience started to remember her manners, thanking Warren when he offered her extra food or a warm blanket. They had three blankets between the two of them, besides a few special ones that Patience kept safely in her trunk, and Warren hung them to dry inside the wagon in a rotation so that she always had a dry, warm blanket. Patience found herself watching Warren work with the other men and a wish grew within her to provide for his needs as well. It was a curious, yet comfortable feeling.
Chapter 7
Falling into a rhythm with Warren was refreshing for Patience. It broke up the depressing monotony of constantly grieving over Clayton and wondering what her future would be like. She focused instead on the daily tasks, offering her help to the others in the wagon train whenever she was able. Patience took on a lot of the cooking as she began to feel better and stronger. Warren insisted that she allow others to carry in water when there was a source nearby. One day he caught her trying to lift a large pot of water over the fire.