Feeling a little better, she put a smile on her face and opened the door.
Chapter Eighteen
For the past hour, Leo wrestled with the question of whether to see Kaydee or not when he came up here to his grandmother’s. And once he arrived he fought against his urge to flee. The damn reflex was ingrained in him, deeper, stronger than he’d realized. He thought he’d buried it, along with his drinking and his demons, but the second shit started to fall apart at work today, it resurfaced.
But his feelings for Kaydee were stronger and won out.
For how long?
Before he could form an answer, her door opened, and she was standing in front of him, looking happy and beautiful…and anxious.
God, he hated that he was the dark to her light.
It was her light that reached him, and he felt as if everything inside him took a breath. A deep one.
“Hi.” Color rose into her face, and damn, he didn’t think he’d ever get tired of watching it happen.
“Hey,” he said, then, because he needed to touch her—needed their connection more than air—he stepped right up to her and pulled her in for kiss.
With a sigh, she opened up for him and pressed close. There she went with her unequivocal, unquestioning acceptance again. She didn’t stop him. Didn’t ask questions. Just gave and gave.
And God, he needed that right now. Needed to feel wanted. Needed her.
But was it really fair to Kaydee?
That damn question again. All day it’d reverberated in his head like a broken record. From the start, he knew she was too good for him. It was the reason he hadn’t acted on his attraction to her for so long. She deserved the best in life.
Dammit. He wanted to be that for her. He just wasn’t sure if he was.
With another sigh, she broke the kiss to press small ones along his jaw, half on, half off his lips. God, she was sweet. So damn sweet. He ran his hands up and down her back, closing his eyes as he let that sweetness wash over him, almost making him whole.
Almost.
He was in his own way.
How could he possibly tell her he loved her and mean it if he chose to be selfish and put himself first instead of thinking about what was best for her? Was he really the best choice for her? Someone tainted and damaged? Someone who attracted trouble without effort?
Did he really want to wait around until he soured her carefree ways?
No. He didn’t want that to happen, and yet he didn’t want to leave her, either. Christ. Wasn’t there an option that kept her unhurt and in his life? That was the option he wanted.
God…he wanted it bad.
“You okay?” she asked, her hand warm on his face.
He blinked his eyes open and frowned. He hadn’t realized she’d been watching him. Damn. Exactly what had she seen? And it didn’t matter that he’d had his eyes closed. The woman saw through every last one of his barriers, past each of his layers, right into what was left of his heart and soul.
“Yeah.” He blew out a breath. “Just a long day at work.”
She stepped back but held on to his arm. “Do you want to come in?”
Hell yeah. So bad.
“No.” He shook his head, trying to keep her welfare first. “Can’t. Gram’s expecting me for dinner, then I have to get back to the ranch.”
Not really. There wasn’t anything pressing going on there. No. The problem was here. He needed to keep his distance from her. At least until he figured his shit out.
Concern darkened her eyes. “Is everything okay there?”
“Yeah,” he lied through his teeth, although technically, the ranch was fine. Work was the problem.
“You sure?” She stepped back out onto the porch, right in front of him again, and cupped his face. “What aren’t you telling me? Maybe I can help?”
Blame it on exhaustion, or his need to bask in the warmth of her gaze, or maybe it was because she had superpowers and sucked the smart from his brain. Because before he knew it, he opened up and gave her a brief overview about the countertop, only telling her the wrong one was delivered. Of course, he left out the part about him being bad luck, and that he was considering resigning his supervisory position after the job was done.
“That’s terrible, Leo.” A deep frown marred her brow. “I’m sorry.”
He stiffened. Not as sorry as him. But he was going to clean up his own mess. Stone did enough of that shit for him in the past. No more.
The exhaustion he felt suddenly appeared in her eyes, and she yawned. Twice.
“Sorry,” she mumbled through the smile she covered with her hand.
He smiled, too. “It’s okay,” he said, lightly grasping her upper arms as he pressed his lips to her forehead. “Go back inside. I have to get going, anyway.”
Regret and something he couldn’t quite read flashed through her eyes until she blinked, then only warmth remained. “Okay. I guess I’ll see you on Friday.”
This time regret flickered through him. He shook his head and told her about Tucker and the group therapy session.
“Hey, don’t apologize for helping someone.” She set a palm on his chest. “I think that’s great. And that you’re amazing.”
Christ. He didn’t feel amazing…except where her palm covered his heart…the one she owned. And because it felt so damn good, he grasped that hand, brought her palm to his lips, then kissed it before releasing her. “No. That’d be you. You’re the amazing one.”
She chuckled. “Then let’s agree to disagree.”
“Okay.” Without much thought, he laughed, too.
“Don’t worry about your grandmother on Friday,” she said. “I’ll take her to bingo with my grandfather. You know they like to ride together anyway.”
He blew out a breath. “Thanks.” Then gave her another quick kiss on the forehead, because if he went anywhere near her mouth again, not only was he going inside, he’d never leave. “Good night, Kaydee,” he said, before turning her around and gently pushing her into the house.
“Good night,” she mumbled through another yawn.
He waited until she shut the door, then headed across the street. Seeing her was probably a mistake, but right now, he didn’t care. He needed it. Needed to see her. Needed to not hurt her today. He still wasn’t sure about the future.
Even though he’d had a shit day, he entered his grandmother’s house with a pleasant expression on his face. Even managed to eat and hold a normal conversation with her, too.
Of course, she was way too sharp for his own good, and called him out on. “Don’t do it.”
“Do what?”
“Walk away from that sweet girl.”
Jesus. How the hell had she figured that out? His Ranger face must be slipping. No sense in denying it. “I’m toxic.” He exhaled. “I don’t want to bring her down.”
“You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
She slapped the table. “Bullshit.”
His lips twitched. She had spunk.
“It matters the most,” she said in a calm, firm voice. “So answer me.”
He blew out a breath and sat back. “Yes, I love her. That’s why I should probably walk away. To give her a chance at a good life.”
“Leo.” She cocked her head, and her incredulous gaze bored deep. “What makes you think she wouldn’t have a good life with you?”
His guilt made him feel unclean. Unworthy, and although he knew Kaydee would never agree with that, he wasn’t going to give her a chance to. “She deserves someone without my kind of past. Someone strong, not weak. Someone like her who’s righteous and helps others.”
“But Leo, don’t you see? You are all those things.”
He laughed without amusement and shot to his feet. “Come on, Gram. A guy who takes a handful of pills and washes them down with a bottle of whiskey is not righteous or helping others.”
Guilt flooded his stomach in a nauseous swirl. Unable to face her, he turned
around and strode to the sink, trying to focus on something…anything outside. But all he saw were the faces of his family and friends when he’d come to in the hospital after he’d been unconscious for several days.
Worry. Exhaustion. Anger. Guilt. You name it, he saw it darkening their eyes. Aging their faces. He’d put everyone through hell. And it was his fault. His fucking selfish fault.
But he wasn’t that guy anymore, his mind interjected. He’d moved past all that. He’d learned from it. Grew from it. He was out of those woods.
But barely. What if something bad happened? He knew how far he could fall. Christ, the last thing he wanted was to drag Kaydee down with him.
“We all have things in our past we’re not proud of, Leo,” she said from behind him. “No one is exempt from that. But if you learn from it and grow, then you need to cut yourself a break and move on.” He felt her palm on his back. “I’m damn proud of you and all you’ve accomplished. We all are.” She moved her hand to his shoulder and squeezed. “Maybe you’re looking at your past all wrong.”
He grunted. “Only one way to look at it. I brought others down. Without trying.”
He’d been a burden. Not before Drew’s death, but since? Hell yeah. He’d been a piece of shit burden and fucking hated the fact. Hated that he lived in a house his buddies co-owned, but he didn’t. Worked for a company his buddies co-owned, but he didn’t, although he was changing all that now. It made him feel like he was less trouble…less of a mooch.
But what really bothered him—what he could never fix—was the fact that he’d let the images in his head eat at him until only turning to booze had made sense.
He’d been an idiot and a burden. No way would he let that happen again.
But it didn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t hurt Kaydee.
“You’re definitely looking at this wrong, Leo,” she said with another squeeze to his shoulder. “You’re a gift.”
He snorted and turned to face her. “Now who’s slinging bullshit?”
She lifted her hand to pat his face. “Sometimes someone needs to fall in order to lift others up.”
He stiffened as her words sank in. That would mean he inspired. Now that was bullshit. The last thing he felt was inspiring.
Since he had nothing to say to that, he shook his head and left.
…
Friday came and went with not much communication with Leo. He sent Kaydee a few texts…mainly in response to hers. It did little to alleviate that bad vibe that had poured off him on Wednesday.
A call from Jovy yesterday had sent her heart into her throat. She’d wanted desperately to ask about Leo but didn’t. The woman had asked if she and Fiona were free tomorrow to come to At-Ease to do a hair-cutting clinic for the veterans. She’d kept the conversation about what she and Fiona would need.
What Kaydee needed was Leo.
A tiny flicker of hope fluttered through her chest. If she didn’t see him today, maybe she’d at least run into him at his ranch tomorrow. It was already Saturday afternoon now, and she still hadn’t heard from him. Not a word or a text. Nothing. The sick feeling in her stomach increased. And it had nothing to do with the baby.
Their baby…
She’d made an appointment with the doctor next week. No one else knew about the baby except Fiona. But she wanted to tell Leo. Needed to tell him.
God. What if he didn’t want the baby? Didn’t want her?
Kaydee’s stomach lurched. She rushed into her bathroom to throw up. When finished, she rose to her feet and placed a hand on her belly. “I know, sweetheart. Life without Daddy in it is a sickening thought.”
Whatever was wrong, she’d fix it. She had to. Over the past few days, she’d come to terms with several things, and not just the “having a baby” part. The “I love Leo” part, too. She did love him. It was clear now, and never more so than at the thought of not having him in her life. That put it all into perspective.
So, yeah, she needed to see him. To talk to him. Just be with him. Things were better when they were together. Like Wednesday. Something was wrong, and he hadn’t stayed long, but he’d wanted to. She could see it in his eyes. Feel it in his touch.
Need. Longing…love. Yes, she’d seen that, too.
All those emotions had deepened his gaze. They were all there, along with one she hated to see.
Torment.
But why? And what caused it?
She hadn’t even mentioned the baby, so it couldn’t have been that. And just a simple mix-up with the wrong countertop wouldn’t do it. There had to be more. But she couldn’t get him to tell her, especially if they weren’t talking.
Sighing, she headed downstairs, debating what to do about her cellar steps. They’d never finished repairing them. The final three were already cut, but still needed to be screwed into place on the new risers Leo had built. Something she could handle…if she had a drill.
Maybe she should buy one.
Risers weren’t the only thing Leo had created down there. The talented man had built up a deep, fierce, blazing tide inside her that’d crashed onto an erotic shore she longed to revisit. Yeah, they kind of got sidetracked with sexytimes.
Totally his fault.
Looking all badass and hot with his tool belt slung low on his hips, biceps flexing under his T-shirt, back muscles rippling, giving her naughty, needy thoughts… The sight of him made her crazy and hungry and wanton, and she sort of attacked him. In a good way. He didn’t complain. No. He embraced it and her, whispering sexy, dirty, delicious promises in her ear as he made good on each and every one of them.
Great. Now she was hot and bothered. And alone. She’d never felt so alone.
The doorbell rang, and the sudden sound jarred her. She jumped and placed a hand over her racing heart as hope flickered through her chest.
Leo?
On the way to the door, she dug out her phone, noting no missed calls or text. She sighed. She doubted he’d just show up. A look out the peephole had her sucking in a breath. Wrong.
Reining in her pulse, she shoved her phone in her pocket and opened the door.
Shoulder against the frame, one hand gripping his toolbox, the other shoved deep in his pocket, Leo didn’t say anything, or move, except to lift his head and meet her gaze. Her indrawn breath echoed between them. His eyes were dull, clouded, and his mouth was tight…grim.
“Are you… okay?” she asked. A feeling of déjà vu from the other night rippled through her. “What’s wrong?”
He gave one slow shake of his head. “I’ve come to finish your stairs. Is that okay?”
She frowned. “Yes. Of course.” Then moved aside to let him in, wanting desperately to lean close and kiss him, but he was so rigid.
He stepped inside, his mouth twitching slightly, no doubt at her appearance. She was wearing cutoffs and her Captain America T-shirt. The irony of the fact that that character was best friends with the character he resembled wasn’t lost on her.
She smiled. It was the reason she’d bought it.
“Fitting,” he said, but there was something off in his voice. His gaze was still dull, too. Then he muttered under his breath about light and dark. “I’m gonna finish those steps.”
“Okay,” she said again. “Need help?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I can handle it. Won’t take long,” he said, and without meeting her gaze, he disappeared downstairs.
While he worked, she paced in her kitchen, right near the cellar door, stressed and worried over the reason for his bleak look. He was trying to shut her out. It was painfully obvious. She needed to reach him. Get rid of the clouds. Tell him how she felt. Tell him about the baby.
The sound of his footsteps on the stairs ten minutes later halted her pacing. But not her worry. Or her determination. They needed to talk.
“Done,” he announced, still not meeting her gaze.
Dammit.
Careful of the toolbox he gripped tight, she stepped close and curved her palm around his
rough jaw, forcing him to look at her. “What is going on?”
His expression was…not there. Lacking. Blank. Like he refused to feel. Refused to let anyone in. Even her. Or maybe especially her.
Like maybe she’d gotten to him and he didn’t want her to…
Kaydee swallowed past the lump in her throat and tried again. “Leo, talk to me. What’s wrong?”
Her heart ached, not for herself, but for him. A man who’d broken through her walls, stripped away her shield, and made her want a long-term relationship, made her open up and feel. Deeply. For him. And she did. So very much.
“Let me help,” she said. “Let me in.” The muscles in his jaw rippled under her hand as if he was clenching his teeth. She lifted her free hand and placed it over his heart. “Whatever this is, we’re in it together. Learning to open up, commit, give, take.” She almost said “love” but didn’t want to overload him with too much, too soon. “And I happen to like what this is, and I know you do, too.”
Instead of denying it or pushing her away, he kicked one of her kitchen chairs out and put his toolbox down, then put his hands on her hips and backed her up until she hit the counter behind her.
“Leo,” she said breathlessly.
He shook his head, planted his hands on the counter on either side of her, caging her in, then leaned close and covered her mouth with his, as if he couldn’t help himself. She sighed. It felt so damn good to touch him, embrace him…and she did, sliding her hands up around his neck to hold the back of his head while he plundered.
The kiss was different than his other ones. He left out the teasing, tasting, and warm-up. This was all raw need and desperation. It felt more real than any kiss she’d ever experienced in her life.
But something was wrong. His whole body was tension-filled. Not all of it in a good way. The muscles in his neck were rock hard, knotted, and he was warm, almost too hot. And when he broke the kiss, he closed his eyes. “I shouldn’t be here. And I sure as hell shouldn’t have done that.”
The Army Ranger's Surprise (the Men of At-Ease Ranch) Page 14