by Sarah Havan
“I was shocked. I phrased things poorly.”
“Fuck you.”
Parker rubbed my back.
“I was, well, I was pissed. I look at you, Parker, like a part of the family, and I didn’t want anything to ruin that. And Will, I know anybody is lucky to have you, but I was thinking of our family dynamic. Well, fuck it, I was just shocked and reacted and didn’t think any of it through. I’m sorry.” He scrubbed his hands over his face and looked at me.
“That’s not the part that hurt the most. I disgust you. My whole life, I felt like I couldn’t be me. You always made me feel like I wasn’t enough. You invalidated everything about me, and know I know it’s true.”
“Will, I am so so sorry. I’ve suspected you were gay for years, and that moment confirmed it, and I blurted it out in anger.” He wrung his hands and took a few steps toward me.
“Is that why you always put me down, what I do? Because it’s all too gay for you?”
“What? No. Oh my God, Will,” he said, tears pouring out of his eyes. “Anger only because you were with my best friend, but you’re both adults and can do what you want, so I probably shouldn’t be angry over it.”
“No, you shouldn’t,” Parker said. “Like we thought you’d show up at six in the morning. We planned on telling you. At a time when he needed the most support, you gave him nothing. You made him feel like nothing, and tried to twist it into some sick tale.”
Derek strode across the room and threw his arms around me. “I’m really sorry, man.”
“I can’t forgive you just yet. I can’t,” I said.
Derek hugged me tighter and slapped my back. “I understand. I love you, Will. I’m sorry if today has put a riff through us. I’m sorry for ever putting down your gymnastics or your major or your height.”
I almost let out a laugh at the mention of my height. At least, I was a good size for gymnastics. “You used to tell me to go bake cookies in a tree.”
“Hey, that was only before your voice changed. I guess I was trying to stand in for the dad we didn’t have and guide you on the path to being a great man. I couldn’t see that you were already on that path because it differed so much from mine, and I’m sorry. And Parker, I apologize for the things I said to you.”
“You said some really shitty stuff.”
“I know. I know. And I don’t ask for you guys to forgive me, but I would like for you guys to come back to the cabin with me. Be with family. Sam and Marla want you there, so does Sadie. You haven’t even met Kassie yet. And when everyone comes for the New Years’ Eve party, they’ll miss you guys. We’ll miss you.”
Parker squeezed my hand. Whatever decision I made, I knew he’d be there with me. “Okay, we’ll go back, but only because of everyone else and not you.”
“Fair enough,” Derek said, pulling back on his hood, ready to venture out into the snow again.
Chapter Fourteen: Parker
The snow became a light sprinkle from the sky, and the three of us headed back to the cabin. We left Will’s car in the ditch. We drove behind Derek, and all made it back in one piece.
“Are you okay?” Sam asked, rushing to Will’s side as we walked back into the cabin. “Derek texted us. Sit down and let me take a look. You might have a concussion.”
“It’s fine, Sam.” Will waved his brother away.
“Sit, now,” Sam demanded, pointing to a chair.
“Can I get my coat off first?” Will asked.
“You could’ve gotten yourself killed.” Sam looked at both of us and shook his head.
“I’m aware of that.” He peeled off his coat and hat and followed Sam into the kitchen where he made him sit on a chair at the table. I shook off my coat, too, and shivered for a moment. Glancing out the window, I saw the snow coming down pretty hard again. It let up only enough to grant us safe passage. I went and sat in the kitchen, watching Sam fuss over Will.
“Turn toward me,” he said, grabbing Will’s chin in his hand. “Your pupils don’t look dilated, which is good. Any headaches? Any dizziness?” Sam was a paramedic, so his EMT mode kicked in when needed.
“Not anymore, but my airbag did go off in my face.”
He touched around Will’s nose. “I think it’s broken.”
“I don’t think so.”
“You have bruises around your eyes which is a clear indication of nasal trauma,” Sam said. “But nothing can be done about it until the swelling goes down, which can take a number of days. So for now, you better ice it.”
Derek came over and placed a plate of cookies in front of me. Will turned the chair he sat in toward the table, and Sam sat across from him. Will’s beautiful face did take a beating, though. His nose had swelled more and started to look a bit crooked. Sam handed him a bag of ice wrapped in a towel. Will reluctantly took it from him and pressed it to his face
“So, you and Will?” Sam said.
“Yeah.”
“How did it start?” he asked, waving over his girlfriend. She sat down next him. “Will, Parker, this is Kassie.”
“Hi,” Will and I said.
“Nice to meet you guys,” she said with a smile.
“You too.” I returned the smile. “But yeah, me and Will began messaging each other and just kept talking. And when we went out a couple of times, being with him in person, I knew.”
“Wow. Good for you two. It’s going to take some time for me to get used to it. Not Will being gay, but the two of you together, but you two make a nice couple,” Sam said.
“Thanks.” I glanced over at Will. He had slunk down in his chair, holding the ice to his nose.
“I had a suspicion,” Sam said, shaking a finger at me.
“You did not.”
“I was just thinking how last Christmas you two spent the whole time together, and remember when we met Derek up at that one bar a few weeks ago? I was wondering why you kept bringing up Will.”
“Thinking about it, Will started talking about you a lot lately, too,” Derek said. He stood near the table with his arms crossed over his chest. “I will admit, it’s still weird, my best friend and brother, but if you guys are happy.”
“We are,” I said.
I reached out and took Will’s hand. Derek looked at us with our fingers entwined and smiled. Will took the ice off of his face and scowled at him.
Derek sat down at the table. Ignoring his brother’s scowl. “Compete.”
“What?” Will asked.
“With the gymnastics team. You need to compete.”
“One, I’m not going to simply because you’ve granted me your wishes. It will be because I’m finally ready, and two, it’s probably too late for that anyway, me competing.” Will bit his lip and shrugged.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you before, but I want to make it up to you. Be with you every step of the way.”
“I think you should,” I said. “I know what you can do. You have talent.” He really did. He was a champion at undermining himself, but if he trained hard, he could go far.
“I’m too old to do anything with it.”
“I think you should, at least, try,” I said, squeezing his forearm.
“Maybe,” he said softly.
“Has Parker seen you practice?” Sam asked, snagging a cookie and then offering the plate of them around the table. I took one because frankly, I was starving. We hadn’t eaten much of anything all morning.
“No. I showed him a video,” Will said.
I watched every single video he had and watched a live-stream of the team practicing. It was something I could watch all day. He amazed me.
“Let us see it. Let’s go. We can all watch it on the TV in the living room,” Derek said, pushing back his chair.
“You guys don’t have to be nice. You never had an interest before, Derek.” Will bore his eyes into his brother.
“I’m trying. Please, Will.”
Will nodded and pressed his lips together, a small smile escaped regardless. He was so adorable. “Okay.”
/> We all went to the living room. Will and I sat next to each other, and he cuddled up against my side, and for the first time that weekend, everyone looked happy to be together. And Will was beyond happy when Sadie woke from her nap, and he got to hold her. She smiled at her uncle, his finger in her grip.
“Look, baby girl,” Derek said, pointing to the TV screen. “That’s your uncle. See what a great athlete he is.”
Will hugged her close and sucked on his bottom lip. I squeezed his shoulder and Will glanced over at me, the brim of his eyes turning pink. I nodded at him, and he sniffled. He’d probably waited his whole life to hear that.
Chapter Fifteen: Will
On New Year’s Eve, some of my brothers’ friends came up to the cabin. Parker and I stood in the corner together, lost in a world of our own.
“I’m sorry I never defended you. I know I’ve heard your brothers say things,” Parker said as music played in the background, people drank and laughed, enjoying themselves.
“You have, lots of times.”
“Really?”
“I remember once when I told Derek I wanted to teach elementary school, and he said something about, I don’t remember exactly, but it was along the lines of me turning into a girl, and you said that you were a teacher. Derek said it was different because you taught high school and it was PE, and then you said that it made no difference. A teacher was a teacher.”
“Yeah, I remember now,” Parker said, running his hand through my hair.
“And you said that we needed more male teachers, and Derek kind of shut up after that.”
Parker’s face fell. “Maybe you were too easy on him.”
“I’m still mad, but he’s my brother. It’s the holidays. And there’s a saying, something about living your best life is the best revenge or something like that.”
“Live that wonderful life of yours.” Parker pinched my cheek.
“I’m going to try. Same goes for you,” I said, poking him in the chest.
“Yeah. It’ll be real interesting when everyone finds out that Coach Sanderson has a boyfriend.”
I smiled. “I’m Coach Sanderson’s boyfriend.”
Parker kissed my forehead. “I like the sound of that.”
“So do I.” The gymnast and the football coach. The perfect man for me to be with there on New Year’s Eve.
“It’s almost midnight.”
“It’s going to be a great year.”
“As long as I’m with you, I know it’ll be wonderful,” Parker said, cupping my jaw with his hand.
Everyone started counting down, but Parker and I were already kissing. Ready to begin the new year with each other and no one else. At that moment, I felt like the most complete version of myself ever. Someone who was happy, content, and in love.
Want to read more by Sarah Havan?
Check a sample of Falling Into Trust.
Chapter One
I didn’t know how much more I could take. My eyes scanned the bridal shop to find a window because, before long, I knew I’d need to escape. It felt like we had looked at shoes for well over twelve hours. My sister was the most indecisive person ever.
“So which ones do you like the best?” she asked. She stood in front of the three-way mirror looking down at her feet.
I sank back into the armchair I sat in and blew raspberries with my lips. “Can I ask you again why you insisted I come with? And didn’t you buy shoes already?”
“Because you’re my brother, and I love you, and yes, I bought shoes, but I don’t like them anymore.” She put her hands on her hips and waited for my reply.
“Maggie, as I said before, the peep toes are really cute.” Earlier, she mentioned the style of the shoes, and I actually remembered.
“But do I really want cute? It’s my wedding day; I should be going for sexy, right? Make Bishop want to jump my bones.” She raised an eyebrow at me and smiled.
“Are you trying to scar me?”
“Spence, you’re nineteen years old, stop acting like you’re twelve.” She threw her long hair over her shoulder and continued turning in all directions, checking the shoes out.
“I don’t think there’s anybody out there with a sister that wants to hear about her having sex. Can we go now?” I asked. She was leaving for the resort that night, and yet, there she stood, fussing over shoes.
“I made you come with so we can squeeze in some quality time together. I haven’t gotten to spend much time with you because of all the wedding planning, and then I’ll be gone on my honeymoon, and then you start school and forgive me for wanting to be with you for a little while. And I have the girls all off doing other things for me, so you were the only person left sitting around.”
“That was almost a sweet sentiment.”
“Oh, shut it. You have your tuxedo ready, right?” she asked.
“Yes, it’s been fitted and all that good stuff. I’m going to pick it up tomorrow before I leave.” I stretched my arms over my head, sliding further down into the chair.
“Spencer, I miss you.”
“Funny, when we were both under the same roof you never wanted to be around me.”
“I’ve grown older and that whole self-reflection thing, and besides, you’re so much younger than me.” Ten years younger to be exact. Even though there was quite the age gap between us, people assumed it was only a year or two. She got our mom’s non-aging genes, whereas I looked perfectly nineteen. We did look quite alike, too. We both had mousy brown hair. Okay, so it was never mousy on her, but on me, totally mousy. The same small ski slope noses (her phrasing, not mine) and light brown eyes.
“Yep, you always loved to remind me that I was the oops baby.”
“Mom and Dad love you no less.”
“Or so they say. So can you pick a pair of shoes? Tomorrow is the official start of your fun-filled wedding week in the wilderness.” I pulled myself free of the chair and stood. Maggie swiped up a shoebox, and we walked toward the register.
“It’s not the wilderness. It’s a resort near a lake.” I loved teasing her about it. Her cheeks always turned bright pink when she got annoyed.
“A lake in the middle of nowhere,” I said. “But I think I’m actually looking forward to it.”
“It’s going to be beautiful.”
“And so are you, so it doesn’t matter what shoes you wear.”
She stopped in her tracks. “Thanks, but oh, it’s going to drive me crazy. What if I get out there and realize I picked the wrong ones?”
I covered my face with my hands and screamed into them. “Maggie, I have to finish packing.”
“Okay, fine, the peep toes it is.” She shook the box she held. “Okay, maybe not.” She went back and switched them out for the other pair. “These ones.”
“Oh Jesus.”
“I’m leaving you at home next time I go shopping,” she said, pointing at me with the box, getting into line.
“Thank you. Please, please do.”
As Maggie went up to the counter, she asked, “So are you driving up by yourself?”
“Yeah, you know that.”
“I know, thought maybe you changed your mind and were going to bring someone with.”
“Has there ever been someone?” I asked because if there was, it was all news to me.
“You’re a catch. I don’t understand why not. Any college boy would be lucky to snatch you up.”
“Still nope.” During the past school year, I adhered to a strict stay in my room as much as possible policy.
“Okay, so don’t get mad when we get there, and you get paired up with somebody.” She took the bag from the cashier and waved.
“What do you mean?” We stopped next to a rack of garters. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.
“Well, I’ve mentioned how each day there’s going to be activities and games for the wedding party and guests, right?” She wrung her hands together.
“Yeah. I don’t even understand why we have to play these games you gu
ys set up.”
“It’s fun and will form a bond between everyone.” She went from hand-wringing to hands on her hips, the bag hanging from the crook of her arm.
“So like a bridesmaid or something?” I didn’t know much about weddings, but I knew during the ceremony and reception that’s how it tended to get done.
“More like an old family acquaintance.” She pushed open the door, and we walked out into the summer air.
“Can I rescind my yes to your soon to be husband’s invitation to be a groomsman and pretend I don’t know you’re getting married?”
“Why are you being so difficult?” She frowned and poked me in the shoulder.
“You know how I feel about people and being social.”
We walked to the car, and she talked over the roof at me. “And having fun.”
“I prefer to have fun in my own ways,” I said, getting in the passenger side.
“Like hiding in your room.”
“I don’t hide. It’s just a nice place to be.” A large portion of where I had spent my summer break, too—my room at my parents’ house. And when I went back to school for the start of the fall semester, it’d be my dorm room I’d spend my time in.
“You need to get out of there more often, live your life.” She waved her hand toward the windshield, like happiness frolicked outside awaiting me.
“Every time I try, things don’t go so well for me.” And that was not a lie. Granted, the past year hadn’t gone too horribly, but the year before that was pure shit.
“Spence, I know you had a rough time in high school, and you still harbor all of that.” Maggie turned in her seat toward me, frowning.
“All right, but?”
She gripped the steering wheel. “Just, gah, please.”
“Very articulate, so who is this person I’m to do these activities with?”
Maggie itched above her lip and mumbled something into her hand.
“You have me worried.”
She forced a smile. “Um, James.”
“James who?” I asked, quirking up an eyebrow at her.
“James Vander,” she said.
My stomach rolled at the name. “What? Maggie, do you mean Jimmy Vander?”