by Sue Townsend
This made me, Hopkins and Mr Carlton-Hayes laugh quite a lot.
The youth is doing a humanities project on the subject of fathers and sons. He has chosen God and Jesus.
I asked the youth why he had not availed himself of the school library. He said he had been banned from the library for eating a satsuma in there and spitting a pip and ‘accidentally’ hitting a boff girl called Louise Moore.
Warming to his theme of why he had been forced into a bookshop, he told us that his mum refused to get connected to the Internet, so he couldn’t download from websites and copy stuff for his project like other kids. He made it sound as though his mother made him walk barefoot to school.
Bernard Hopkins took over the sale and sold the youth an Illustrated Children’s Bible for seventy-five pence, wherein Jesus had blond hair and blue eyes and looked a bit like a long-haired David Beckham. It was only slightly mildewed.
Sunday May 25th
Brain-box Henderson rang me this morning and asked if he and Marigold could visit this afternoon. I made throat-cutting gestures down the phone, but agreed to see them.
Brain-box’s tan has faded a little and some of his geekiness has come back, but I have never seen him so happy. Marigold is transformed; pregnancy seems to suit her. They can hardly keep their hands off each other. It was sickening, diary.
They want to get married and had come to ask me for my blessing, and to talk about the unborn child.
Brain-box said, ‘I’m keen to adopt the baby, Adrian. Shall I get my solicitor to draw up some papers?’
I said, ‘I’m too poor for the law. Can’t we discuss this after the baby is born?’
Marigold said, ‘I knew he’d be difficult, Bruce.’
Brain-box said to Marigold in a surprisingly authoritative manner, ‘Don’t start, Marigold.’ He then covered her face in tiny kisses.
I had to turn away.
He then said to me, ‘I’m quite prepared to help you out financially, Adrian. I know you are strapped for cash.’
I thought about ‘Grace’ in her tutu and said, ‘I don’t want to sell my parental rights.’
A child began to scream outside, then there was the sound of a man’s voice, loud and angry. We all went out on to the balcony. A middle-aged man and a young boy were in a canoe being attacked by Gielgud. He was flapping his wings and pecking at the man’s paddle.
Brain-box said, ‘He’s a vicious creature.’
I said to Brain-box, ‘He’s only protecting his eggs.’
The man and the child paddled off and Gielgud returned to the nest.
Marigold said she felt unwell and Brain-box put his arm protectively round her and took her home.
As they were leaving, I casually asked Marigold how Poppy and Daisy were.
She said, ‘Poppy’s on holiday in Albania, but Daisy’s had to move back to Beeby on the Wold.’ She laughed and then said with some satisfaction, ‘She got thrown out of her flat for trashing the place when she was drunk.’
I asked if Daisy had lost her job.
Marigold said, ‘Not yet, she’s commuting.’
I have to see her, diary.
Monday May 26th
Spring Bank Holiday
I tried ringing Daisy’s mobile, but the line has been disconnected. I drove to Beeby on the Wold and parked my car in the pub car park, and walked across the fields to where I could see the back of the house.
There was nobody in sight, but it calmed me to know that Daisy could be somewhere near. I sat with my back against a tree for over an hour. I had nothing to read and nothing to do except watch the clouds move across the sky, listen to the birds singing and follow various insects as they stumbled through the grass. As I walked back to the car I made a vow to myself that I would win Daisy back, marry her, and have children with her.
Tuesday May 27th
A letter from Trixie Meadows.
Neighbourhood Conflict Co-ordinator
Leicester City Council
New Walk
Leicester LE1
May 27th 2003
Dear Mr Mole
I found the tone of your letter most offensive. Mr Swan is obviously in need of help, not condemnation.
You say he is mute. Is he in touch with the Speech Therapy Department at the Leicester Royal Hospital, and is he aware that Social Services can help with his incontinence?
Perhaps Mr Swan’s problems are the cause of his antisocial behaviour. I still feel that reconciliation and negotiation is the path we should take towards a satisfactory outcome.
Calling Mr Swan ‘a creature, a wild animal’ and threatening violence can only be counterproductive.
Yours sincerely
Trixie Meadows
Neighbourhood Conflict Co-ordinator
11.35 p.m.
Daisy, Daisy, Daisy.
Wednesday May 28th
Bernard Hopkins opened the discussion on Zadie Smith’s White Teeth by drawling, ‘It wasn’t bad for a bint, but Salman does it better.’
I said to Hopkins, ‘You use Mr Rushdie’s first name with familiarity. Do you know him?’
Hopkins tapped the side of his nose and said, ‘I had him as a houseguest when he was on the run from al-Qa’eda.’
Mohammed said heatedly, ‘You are confusing the fundamentalists with a terrorist organization.’
Hopkins said, ‘They’re all the same to me, cocker.’
Mohammed snapped, ‘But they are not all the same. They are as far apart as the Reverend Ian Paisley and the gay Bishop of Boston. Both men would call themselves Christians.’
Lorraine Harris said, ‘This is a wicked book. I know people like the people in the book. I was laughing so much I made the bed shake.’
Darren confessed he hadn’t read it. He was still immersed in Jude the Obscure. He then went on to confide to the group that his constant reading was ‘causing a few problems with the wife’. He said he had bought a bookcase for the living room, which had meant moving the furniture around, and his wife had ‘gone mardy’ because the television set was now too far away from the socket.
Mr Carlton-Hayes nodded sympathetically though it was inconceivable to me that he could have experienced such domestic dramas.
I suggested that Darren take a present home to his non-reader wife: Not a Penny More, Not a Penny Less by Lord Archer.
I was asked to name the next book. I suggested Stupid White Men by Michael Moore. Bernard Hopkins blustered and swore and said, ‘If I’d written a book called Stupid Black Men, I’d have been had up by the race relations industry.’
Mohammed said quietly, ‘May I suggest it would be helpful to all of us if we read the Koran?’
Mr Carlton-Hayes said, ‘An excellent suggestion.’
On my way home I called in at all the fashionable pubs and wine bars, but Daisy was not in any of them.
I read the first few pages of the Koran in bed tonight. It brought me closer to Glenn somehow.
Friday May 30th
The manager of Habitat rang to say that Bernard Hopkins was asleep on ‘an item of garden furniture’. I went round to collect him. Before I woke him up I bought myself a new Anglepoise lamp. It’s time I got down to it and did some serious writing. If I can’t have Daisy, I can at least write a book about her.
Saturday May 31st
Daisy! At my front door! No make-up, hair a mess, but still beautiful, in combats and a top that showed her midriff. She said, ‘You have to read this.’
She came inside and handed me a pink silk-covered diary with a lock. On the front it said ‘The Secret Journal of Marigold Flowers’.
Daisy said, ‘Turn to May 25th.’
I did as she asked and read in Marigold’s backward-sloping hand:
Bruce and I went to see Adrian today to talk about the wedding and what will happen when the baby is born. I wanted to tell Bruce in the car on the way to Rat Wharf that I’m not having a baby. That I’ve been telling lies to everybody, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I am fright
ened of losing Bruce.
I said to Daisy, ‘Did she confess to you, Daisy?’
Daisy said, ‘No, I was up in her bedroom and I picked the lock. I saw her in the bathroom last night. Her belly is completely flat. I thought you ought to know, seeing as you are the father of the phantom kid.’
I said, ‘Is nothing true any more? Is there honey still for tea? Are there Weapons of Mass Destruction? Am I actually standing here and are you flesh and blood, or are we holograms, Daisy?’
She said, ‘We’re flesh and blood. And after you’ve made me a cup of coffee, we’ll prove it.’
Sunday June 1st
I got no sleep last night; I stayed up talking to Daisy. We drank three bottles of wine and ate two bags of Doritos and a large bowl of salsa. Pudding was a ripe mango which we devoured in the bath naked.
Daisy managed to get the CD-player going and we danced to Motown’s Greatest Hits. I have never danced naked before. It was OK once I got used to my genitalia swinging about. Mia Fox thumped on my door with her fists, but Daisy shouted, ‘Get a life, you poor sad cow!’
Later, as Daisy slept beside me, I thought about the many times I had forgone pleasure for the convenience of other people. Whereas Daisy took her fair share of whatever was going.
Tuesday June 3rd
Daisy returned to Beeby this morning to replace Marigold’s book of revelations and collect her suitcase. She met me at the shop after work and I took her to catch the London train; she is going on a book tour to promote Edwina Currie’s diary.
As her carriage disappeared into the tunnel beyond the station, I felt the possibility of a new assertiveness fall away and resolved to buy Mia Fox a bunch of flowers by way of apology.
I need Daisy to light my life. Without her I will never metamorphose from caterpillar to moth.
I noticed that Donald Rumsfeld was now saying that the Weapons of Mass Destruction may never be found. This came as a considerable shock.
However, Mr Blair said he has ‘no doubt at all’.
Wednesday June 4th
Met a postman in the car park this morning, I told him that I was surprised to see him so early. He asked me in broken English for my name and address, then handed me my post.
There was a letter from the Automobile Association, informing me that they now provided gas and would I like to switch from my present provider. There were also two credit card bills demanding payment and threatening that unless I paid the overdue amounts immediately, I would have to pay the balance in full. There were veiled threats that if I failed to make immediate payments my credit rating would be affected.
Diary, I had no choice but to withdraw the last £3,000 from my building society deposit account. I live in a capitalist system, but I have no capital.
Where has all the money gone? I’ve nothing to show for it apart from the futon and a few pots and pans.
Thursday June 5th
An appalling statistic – 63 per cent of Britons believe that Mr Blair misled them about Iraq’s Weapons of Mass Destruction; 27 per cent believe he deliberately lied.
I don’t know what I think any more.
Friday June 6th
I worked late at the shop tonight. When I left at 10 p.m. the High Street was full of young drunks of both sexes carousing from one bar to another. I walked in the middle of the road to avoid them and was almost knocked over by a taxi full of teenage slappers. One of them screamed out of the window ‘Gerrout the road, Granddad.’
It is no wonder that middle-aged people lock themselves into their houses at night.
Saturday June 7th
I went to see Nigel after work to read to him as promised. He has chosen Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. The Russian names are impossible to pronounce and each time I stumble over one, Nigel sighs and mutters something to Graham.
I told him that it is now possible to train Shetland ponies as guide horses for the blind. Apparently, they have better memories than Labradors.
Graham got to his feet, looked at me, and growled.
Nigel said, ‘Good dog, Graham. Good dog.’
I told Nigel about Marigold’s phantom pregnancy and that I was now having a secret affair with Daisy, Marigold’s sister.
Nigel said, ‘Dostoevsky would have a job keeping up with you, Moley. Your life is stranger than fiction.’
I made Nigel promise that he wouldn’t tell anybody about Marigold’s phantom baby. I said, ‘I haven’t had a chance to confront her about it yet. Marigold’s away with Brain-box at an IT fair.’
Nigel rang a number on his mobile and said, ‘Pandora, have you heard the latest in Moley’s psycho-drama...’
I left in disgust.
Sunday June 8th
Went round to Sharon’s after ascertaining that Ryan would be out. When I asked where he was, Sharon said, ‘He goes to a pole-dancing club called Honeyz every Sunday dinner.’
I said, ‘Don’t you mind, Sharon?’
She replied, ‘No, it saves me cooking.’
Karan was there, crawling on the sticky carpet. I asked her where the other children were.
She said, ‘They’re out with their dads. It’s access day.’
We talked about our boy, Glenn.
Sharon said, ‘I can’t bear to think of ’im out there, Aidy. ’E ’ates loud explosions. Remember ’im on Guy Fawkes night? ’E used to cover ’is ears up when the bangers went off.’
I said, ‘We did have some good times. Not many, but a few.’
She said, ‘I often think about that time we were going out with each other, I’ve never had a better bloke than you. You never shouted at me, or slapped me about.’
I asked her if Ryan slapped her about.
She said, avoiding my eyes, ‘’E’s a bit heavy-handed with me sometimes, but ’e never touches the kids.’
Later, she cheered up a little and told me that she has been offered a job by the New Deal as an Obesity Co-ordinator. However, it is conditional – she has to lose three and half stone first.
I encouraged her to go on a diet, and said, ‘Glenn will be back in five months. Make him proud of you, Sharon. Lose weight, get a job and kick Ryan out.’
11.30 p.m.
Daisy back, with mangoes.
Monday June 9th
I had forgotten completely about the writers’ group. Ken Blunt turned up at seven-thirty. I introduced him to Daisy, who was wearing only a bath towel. The futon showed the evidence of our recent lovemaking, and Daisy’s Vivienne Westwood bra and knickers were lying in the middle of the floor. Given these circumstances, I had no option but to confess to Ken that Daisy and I were having an affair.
Ken said, ‘I’ve got a woman in Nottingham I see now and then.’
I said, ‘I’m surprised, Ken, I thought you were happily married.’
‘That’s why I’m happily married,’ Ken said. ‘What Glenda don’t know won’t hurt her.’
The three of us sat out on the balcony. Daisy asked, ‘Do swans stick to the same partner?’
Due to my extensive knowledge of swans, I was able to tell her that swans stay together until one of them dies.
We drank two bottles of wine between us and talked about love. Ken grew a little maudlin and said that he had often thought about telling his wife about the woman in Nottingham. ‘I’m sure Glenda would understand.’ He was slurring his words slightly.
Daisy advised him to keep his mouth shut. When I asked her what she would do if she found out that I was cheating on her, she said, with a flash of her mother’s Mexican eyes, ‘I would cut your balls off.’
Ken and I shifted uncomfortably in our chairs.
All in all it was a very pleasant evening.
When Ken had gone, Daisy said, ‘It was lovely to have somebody here who knows about us. It makes it more real somehow.’
I asked her what she loved about me, and she said, ‘Your kind face, your gentle voice and the way your hair curls on the back of your neck.’
I was slightly disappointed; I had exp
ected her to mention my intelligence, general knowledge and wit.
Tuesday June 10th
I’m not sure if Daisy is living with me or not. She seems to be living out of a flight attendant’s suitcase. She is in Newcastle today, promoting a new uplift bra against a background of the Millennium Bridge in full tilt.
Mr A. Mole
I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue
Unit 4
The BBC
The Old Battery Factory
Broadcasting House
Rat Wharf
London W1A
Grand Union Canal
Leicester LE1
June 7th 2003
Dear Mr Mole
Thank you for your kind comments about I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue. The rules of Mornington Crescent were formulated long before I came to work on the programme as a Production Assistant. I have been too embarrassed, and rather afraid to ask the chairman of the show, Mr Humphrey Lyttleton, who can be rather abrasive at times.
I do hope you understand my dilemma.
Yours sincerely
Jessica Victoria Stafford
Wednesday June 11th
I was late getting to work. Bernard Hopkins said loudly within Mr Carlton-Hayes’s hearing, ‘Late again, cocker? No probs. I don’t mind in the least doing your work for you.’
I seethed all morning. I now strongly suspect that Bernard Hopkins is after my job.
Thursday June 12th
The computerized Smeg fridge I ordered months ago has finally arrived from Italy. It is truly state of the art. It indicates when food needs replacing and is past its use-by date.